Weddings

Unfortunately, Jane Lynch didn't exchange vows with Charo. Maybe next time. But I'm using this picture, because Charo is the cherry on everyone's top. And seriously, she should be in every picture. So....

Star Magazine is saying that Glee's Sue Sylvester married her girlfriend psychologist Lara Embry at the Blue Heron Restaurant in Sunderland, Massachusetts over the weekend. One of the restaurant's employees says that Jane and Lara have been planning their big gayelle wedding for months. The employee also just had to say that Jane and Lara's guests ate grilled sea bass, duck and chocolate mousse layer cake for dessert. Suddenly the Juan Pollo and sheet cake from Costco I ate at my cousin's wedding a few months ago doesn't seem that impressive.

Congrats to Sue and Lara. Here's hoping that they move to Pennsylvania where they will breed pure bred poodles and start a magazine called American Bitch.

Kiss a baby wipe and kick a roll of toilet paper, because Terrence Howard got married! Yes, there is a real woman out there whose vagina is squeaky clean enough for Terrence to marry! Trust me, I'm sure Terrence thoroughly tested the woman to make sure she doesn't have an untidy vagina that will keep his fragile nostrils twitching in the middle of the night. If her pussy doesn't whistle and squeak when she queefs, Terrence would never put a ring on it.

UsWeekly brings the news that Terrence made Michelle Ghent-Howard his second wife. Terry and Michelle quietly got married a few months ago. While promoting the Winnie Mandela biopic in Cannes (Terry plays Nelson), Terry said to Anderson Cooper during an interview, "To come here and be with my wife, it's the best feeling in the world."

Let's hope Terrence is generous enough to share the pictures of his beautiful wedding with us. I'm sure the bride wore a gown made of baby wipes and carried a bouquet of hypoallergenic tampons. Terrence was going to wear a bow tie and cummerbund made out of douche bottles, but he thought that was a bit redundant seeing as though he's already a douchebag. And instead of declaring "You may now kiss the bride," the preacher said, "You may now sniff the bride's cooch to make sure she smells as fresh as a newborn baby's asshole." Just beautiful.

David Walliams of Little Britain married Dutch supermodel Lara Stone in London yesterday, and everybody in Harvey Price's address book (aka every single celebrity on that side of the Atlantic) showed up. Well, everybody except for a bride's most important guests: EYEBROWS!!!!! Here comes the bride, and there goes me to the local Walgreens to buy that bitch a pencil! Why wasn't her "something borrowed" brows?!

Seriously, did Lara Stone's eyebrows star in a real-life remake of Runaway Bride and bust out of that bitch? Bitch didn't get cold feet, she got cold brows! I don't know how David repeated the words "I David, take you Lara" when she looks like she just crawled out from under the rubble of a meth lab explosion.

How can you trust someone with your full heart when they seem to be in love with the fact that they look like something out of The Hills Have Eyes. The Stone Needs Brows is more like it. It's one of the most important days of your life and you're doing it without brows? Something's wrong with that ho. Hopefully, they honeymoon at the Sharpie factory so she can work that shit out. If she doesn't use a Sharpie now, she'll be using one to sign divorce papers in the near future. Truthery.

Here's some pictures of David and his brow-less bride. When Lara threw the bouquet, I bet you the ladies in the crowd threw their brow pencils back at her.

Isla Fisher and Sacha Baron Cohen have been together 8 years, engaged for 6 and are raising a 2-year-old baby friend together. Early last week, Isla and Sacha decided they have spent enough time liking each other, so why not fuck it all up by getting married! Oh, I'm joking. Their new marriage will last as long as a plate of Vegemite! That shit doesn't decompose, right?

Woman's Day reports that Isla and Sacha got married in a small Jewish wedding in Paris last Monday. Isla and Sacha didn't feel like making it a giant extravaganza worthy of Platinum Weddings, so they only invited their close friends and family. Shortly after Isla handcuffed herself to Sacha, she wrote an e-mail to all her friends that read: “We did it – we’re married! It was the absolute best day of my life and in so many beautiful moments I missed you all so much. I thought of you as everything was happening, but Sacha and I wanted no fuss – just us!”

Unfortunately, I doubt Sacha wore any of these outfits to his wedding. What a waste. The perfect ceremony, reception and honeymoon ensembles.

Oh well. Hopefully, the guests got a plastic swan with Sacha's turd in it as a wedding memento. Congrats!

Everybody, gently place the words "fuck off" on the tip of your tongue, because it will launch out of your mouth as soon as you read the next sentence. Get it ready. Katie Price married her cross-dressing, cage-fighter boyfriend Alex Reid in Las Vegas this afternoon. AND RELEASE!

The Princess Diana and Prince Charles of this generation kicked the dead horse that is marriage at a chapel at the Wynn Resort. Katie's publicist and a handful of TV cameras witnessed the blessed event. Katie's spokesbitch immediately issued this statement after the ten-second wedding.

"Katie and Alex are delighted to announce they got married in a private, simple ceremony. Their decision to marry has not been made with any media deal in place. It is purely down to their love for each other."

HA! I love how her publicist has to point out that this is not a publicity stunt in anyway shape or form. Uh huh. I'm sure Katie wore a dress made out of Balloon Boy's runaway balloon, and Alex wore a tuxedo made out of Tila Tequila's fixed pregnancy tests. They toasted to their new union with flutes filled with OctoMom's amniotic fluid. The twinkle in Katie's eye was actually a shiny, gold dollar sign.

You'll see it for yourself when these two fermented blood oranges are on the cover of OK! Magazine next week. But the cover won't be the same without Harvey Price on it, flipping us the bird. Sigh. Katie kept us from seeing Harvey in a white tuxedo. THAT (selfish) BITCH!

Here they are shopping for rings before their wedding. The look on the woman's face in the first thumbnail says it all. I too puckered tighter than Roxanne's tuck when I first read this mess.

Josh Duhamel surprised his wife of one year Fuggie Fug with a vow renewal ceremony in Santa Barbra, CA last week. UsWeekly claims that Josh set up a ceremony on a cliff overlooking the ocean. That was very conscientious of Josh. That way either of them could've jumped off the cliff if they decided not to pinky swear to faithfulness. Unfortunately, neither of them jumped to freedom.

As you might remember (but you probably don't, because the good shit kills memory cells), Josh was accused of passing his peen to an Atlanta stripper last year. The stripper claimed she got down on the down low with Josh. Josh denied away.

This could be the reason why Josh decided they should renew their vows. Maybe he thinks if he wipes the stripper's panty pudding off his vows, it'll stick this time. But I don't know why bitches bother with that vows shit. You are just setting yourself up! Be real about it. Just say some shit like, "I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner.......unless I get really fucking drunk and some hot piece gives me the eye."

Marc Jacobs and his boyfriend Lorenzo Martone weren't only in St. Barts to take topless pictures for their Facebook pages, they were also there to get married! Guest of a Guest reports that after being engaged since March of last year, Marc and Lorenzo became husband and husband in a private ceremony. There's no picture of the actual ceremony, but I'll be disappointed if they didn't wear matching dick huggers. Let's just say they did...

After the ceremony, Marc and Lorenzo celebrated their new marriage at a reception hosted by fancy art person Larry Gagosian. And of course, even Marc's wedding topper had his nipples out.

You better believe that after the premium Andre started flowing, ho after ho took pictures of themselves doing nasty raunchy shit with Marc's topper. They turned that topper into a versatiler. The places that topper has been! But I would've done the same thing, which is exactly why I never get invited to weddings anymore.

UPDATE: Marc Jacob's spokeswhore said they aren't husband husband just yet. This picture wasn't from their wedding, it was from their engagement party. There's still hope that they will wear matching speedo tuxedos at their real wedding.

Vince Vaughn is now a husband after marrying real estate agent Kyla Weber on Saturday. (Insert your own Wedding Crashers joke here).

People reports that the two had a smell (typo and it stays) ceremony outside of Vince's hometown of Chicago. Vince and Kyla got engaged last year.

If you're a proud gold digger, raise a glass of Strawberry Hill to Kyla for completing her mission! Don't give me that look. Of course Kyla is hitting that shit for profit! I mean, IN THIS ECONOMY, it's a genius business move. And I'm really sure Kyla's heart orgasms every time Vince's nose hairs tickle her upper lip when she has to kiss him. Not to mention him farting on her forehead when they 69.

On that note, congrats to Vince and Kyla!

And don't worry, your grocer's ice cream section won't be ransacked by Jennifer Aniston tonight since I'm sure she threw away her Vince Vaughn real doll with accompanying dream wedding book a long time ago.

22-year-old Kevin Jonas became a husband today after marrying 23-year-old Danielle Deleasa, a native of Planet Haylie Duff. Kevin and Danielle's wedding (aka their pre devirginizing ceremony) took place at Oheka Castle on Long Island. Danielle wore a gown by Vera Wang and Kevin wore a nervous smile on his face because he knew he would have to try to get his dick to stand up and deliver tonight.

Kevin's brothers, Nick and Joe, served as his best men. The reception tent was decorated to look like some kind of winter wonderland. And Noah Cyrus was kind enough to entertain guests during cocktail hour with her pole dance to "Smack That."

Right after his wedding, Kevin told People, "We're so happy that we're finally married and we were able to share the special moment with family, friends and loved ones." And then he started bawling into his own hands, because he realized that he would have to look at a vagina in just a few hours.

Although, it's a good thing that outside looks like the top of Lindsay Lohan's coffee table. If Kevin pulls a Tommy Girl by going limp after touching real-life boobies, he could just blame it on the weather. Then they can watch Mean Girls on cable and Danielle, who is a former hairstylist, can tame those beasts over Kevin's eyes. Hopefully, Kevin gets plucked one way or another tonight.

Meanwhile in New Jersey......

27 -year-old Ivanka Trump married fellow rich bitch Jared Kushner (owner of The New York Observer) yesterday at her daddy's golf club.

Unfortunately, Ivanka didn't wear a dress made from her daddy's bankruptcy documents and cartilage from her original nose. Instead she wore a Vera Wang gown inspired by Grace Kelly. People reports that among the 500-guests was Regis Philbin who sang for the new couple. I'm sure Regis was supposed to duet with Kathie Lee but she otherwise engaged (aka laying head first in the wine fountain).

Ivanka is also a new jew, because she converted in order to marry Jared who is Orthodox Jewish. Ivanka fast-tracked her conversion since it only took a few months instead of a year or two. And I guess this means that Donald Trump was forced to cover his "Where The Wild Things Are" mop with a yarmulke. That poor yarmulke won't ever be heard from again since I'm sure Donald Trump's comb-over of tragicness ate it whole.