Weddings

Those of you who get the tingles for NIN's Trent Reznor, will have to nurse your fuck part with some Chamomile tea and a showing of Milo & Otis, because he got married last night. Trent married an alien from Mars' Bai Ling Tribe who goes by the name of Mariqueen Maandig. Mariqueen used to be in the band West Indian Girl, but now that she's fucking on Trent's nine inch (I hope) nail, she doesn't need to sing for her supper anymore.

The marriage hasn't been confirmed by Trent's spokeswhore, but his good friend Danny Lohner Tweeted this eloquent message last night:

"goths the world over will mourn this day- off to a wedding....CONGRATS my nagguh!"

Methinks "nagguah" is douchanese for "my fellow dicktard." I think. We'll get Jon Grosselin to translate later.

Mariqueen's extra terrestrial brows are hypnotizing me to say that Trent absolutely picked the right alien to make his wife. When Trent's peen no longer sings sweet nothings for Mariqueen, he should ask for her eyebrows in the divorce.

Radar Online is hearing that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden handcuffed themselves to each other by getting married......IN SECRET! Although, if you whisper something that nobody cares about, it's not really a secret. But I won't piss on their love parade.

Apparently, Sparrow and Harlow's parents picked up a marriage license last week, and made it legal on Wednesday. The two have been bumping peroxide bushes for...oh who cares. In Hollywood time, they've been together forever.

Spokeswhores for Nicole and Joel were unavailable for comment. Probably because they fell asleep at the wedding and still haven't woken up.

And I'm guessing that when Joel got back from the court with the license, Sparrow jumped down from his bird bath and asked his daddy if he brought him a "CHANGE MY FUCKING STUPID NAME" form.

Lift up your shirt, and raise your tittays up in the air for Christina Hendricks (aka Joan from Mad Men)! Christina married fellow actor Geoffrey Arend at Il Buco restaurant in NYC yesterday. The two got engaged earlier this year.

When the officiant asked Geoffrey to give his vows, he probably started slobbering at the mouth and mumbled something about mammaries. The same thing happens to me too. Shit, I've had to re-write this post a dozen times, because all I want to write is: CHICHICHICHICHICHICHICHIIIIIS.

In all seriousness, congrats to Christina and the hobo she married. While the back of Christina's dress looks like origami gone wrong, her breasts of wonder look absolutely amazing as always.

Why does Lamar Odom look like he's breaking into his own wedding shot? Notice how he's creeping on in like "Remember me?!" No, we don't. And Khloe Kardashian won't remember his ass either in a couple of months when this bootleg marriage calls it a day.

So, this is what $300,000 bought OK! Magazine. I hope they kept the receipt, because this wasn't even worth two food stamps and a punch card from Arby's. Let's be real, it farts volumes that dim, dude and dumb are sitting in the front while Lamar has been shoved to the back like a prop. And I don't know why Khloe let this happen, because she should be pissed that she's the bride, yet she's the fugliest thing in that shot. Shit, they should've thrown the veil on Lamar. Dude would've made a better bride. I mean, they couldn't use the "de-beast" tool on Khloe to keep her from looking like a fat skunk (no offense to Mr. Bumble) who is staring at us like we're a bacon and butter sandwich?

If OK! Magazine wanted to put a man-on-man wedding on their cover, they should've went with Michael K. Cole and Jamil Smith's luxurious affair. Because this shit right here.....is....well...it's just shit. Poop and simple.

Life & Style says that 30-year-old Claire Danes (Yeah, I know she looks like a 50-something politician's wife here) married 34-year-old Hugh Dancy earlier this month in France. Yes, they managed to keep this shit on the down low. Even Rickie kept his mouth shut. Or maybe nobody cared. Yeah, that was probably it.

Claire and Hugh announced their engagement earlier this year. The two met on a movie set two years ago while Claire was bumping wetties with Billy Crudup. And in case you forgot, Billy left a knocked-up Mary-Louise Parker for Claire. So you know what has to happen now? Mary-Louise Parker has to fuck on Hugh Dancy so that circle can be completed! It's the circle of homewrecky fuckery!

A few months ago, hos were saying that Madonna was going to marry Baby Jesus in an intimate Kabbalah ceremony. God queefed. Now, one of Vadge's biographers claims she will make Baby Jesus her third husband by the end of the year. Randy Taraborrelli told Hello! Magazine (via DM) that Vadge is planning a "lavish ceremony."

A lavish ceremony which will probably involve a dozen goats, a crucifix, a manger, flying angels and Rocco, David and Lourdes dressed as the three kings. Okay, if Madonna's wedding rivals the Crystal Cathedral's "Glory of Easter" show, then I approve. I don't mean that.

According to Randy, Vadge has been telling friends, "He's so sweet. He checks in with me all the time. I probably should do the same, but you know me. I think he gets it now that I'm a little - shall we say --self-involved." So basically, Vadge is adopting another baby. Makes sense. And she also probably likes that he's potty-trained and doesn't talk back because his nuts haven't dropped yet.

A friend of Vadge's also added, "He respects her, that's number one. He has learned so much from her. He's amazed at how well-rounded she is, the way she juggles her career with her life as a mother, for instance. He understands that she's self-involved, too. Of course, the sex between them is scorching hot. To be candid, it's what's driving things."

This is obviously a case of dickmatization gone too far! I realize that Baby Jesus' toddler dick makes Vadge's octogenarian cooch feel young again, but there's no reason to put a ring on it. A cock ring, yes. A wedding ring, no. Vadge might love money more than she loves herself, so why would she want to put her checking account in danger by marrying Baby Jesus? Fuck with the dick, but don't fuck with your money!

The wart hogs of the world can breathe a sigh of relief tonight, because Khloe Kardashian will not be out hunting them at midnight like usual. That's because she'll be too busy barfing up the essence of holy matrimony! Khloe Kardashian is officially someone's wife! Actually, the wedding might have been just for show since they haven't worked out the prenup yet. Anychynasclitistinglingoverthis...

People confirms that Khloe Kardashian married Lamar Odom in Beverly Hills tonight after dating for about three and a half minutes. The two became husband and beast in front of 250 guests including Ryan Gaycrest, Kelly Osbourne, Kobe Bryant, Lara Spencer, Chelsea Handler, Lala Vasquez and a dozen cameras from E!. Yes, it was as intimate as Katie Couric's colon exam.

Khloe was walked down the aisle by Bruce Jenner, his old face, Kim Kardashian, Kim's fat ass and Kourtney. She wore a gown made by Vera Wang and the guests gave her an A+++ for her tuck game. Khloe's bridesmaids included her two half-sisters Kendall and Kylie who entertained the weddings guests with their pole dancing skills.

The wedding went off without a hitch. Well, there only one awkward moment. When white doves were released during the ceremony, Khloe jumped up into the air, caught one with her mouth and bit its head off. It's instinct!

Let's all stick our asses up in the air and fart one out for the newest spokescouple for marriage and true love! I'm sure they'll prove us hating bitches wrong (no they won't).

Not only does Khloe Kardashian have to worry about how she's going to contain her thirst for the fresh blood of a baby cow during the wedding ceremony, but now she has to fret about prenup issues! Prenup for the pre-op!

TMZ says that lawyers for both Khloe and Lamar Odom (who just signed a $30 million deal with the Lakers) don't have enough time to finish a prenup before their wedding tomorrow. Khloe and Lamar won't move their wedding date, because E! is apparently paying the bill for the $1 million affair. The blessed event is being filmed for one of Khloe's reality shows and Sunday is the only day they can do this. You know, because it's the lord's day. There's no better day to completely shit on the holy union that is marriage. REJOICE!

Apparently, Lamar's lawyers are now working on a postnup, which means they will handle the agreement after the wedding. Also, Sunday's wedding might just be for show (like it already isn't) and the two will legally get married later when the prenup is signed.

I don't even know why the lawyers are sweating over this. Once it's signed, Khloe is just going to break into their offices in the dead of night and swallow the prenup whole so there will no trace of it.

This bunk ass marriage won't even last as long as the time it takes for the lawyers to work out the stupid prenup.

The brand new poster children for the sanctity of marriage, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, will make it legal this Sunday after only doing ass-to-mouth (you decide who does what) with each other for about a month. According to the NYDN, there was a small bidding war between People, UsWeekly and OK! Magazine for the exclusive pictures of the wedding.

Apparently, OK! Magazine won out and will hand over $300,000 to Khloe. Yes, 300 hundred thousand AMERICAN dollars. More like Not OK! Magazine!

If OK! paid Khloe in generic female hormone pills bought on the internet and a 3-month supply of NADS, then I'd say it was worth it. Maybe. But $300k?! Do they also get the rights to the divorce party that will be held in about six months?

OK! could have saved their dollars and published this picture of the Shrek wedding with the headline: "KHLOE and LAMAR'S FAIRYTALE WEDDING!"

Nobody would've been the wiser.....

The privilege has been revoked! Send your hate mail (written in anal gland ink) to Khloe Kardashian. Khloe has confirmed that she is butt fucking the sanctity of marriage (without lube) by marrying a giant bigger than her after dating him for only one month. Doomsday is this Sunday.

Khloe is on the cover of this week's Life & Style looking like the epitome of a Bridezilla. For real, she looks like Godzilla in a factory-direct wedding dress that has been sitting on the back shelf of David's Bridal for years. Terrifying. That poor flower is crying hardcore tears, because it knows it's about to spend the rest of its life in the belly of a BEAST!

And just for the record, Khloe's mother/pimp swears on a stack of Star Magazines that her daughter is not knocked up. Well, she's not pregnant with an actual baby, but she's definitely pregnant with a giant sack of desperation.

(Image VIA Cover Awards)