Weddings

62-year-old Loni Anderson married Bob Flick, a member of the folk group The Brothers Four, on Saturday night. Fuck Ashlee and Pete. This was the celebrity wedding of the weekend!

The two first met in the 60s at a film premiere in Minneapolis. They dated for six months, split up right before her amazing actor career took off.

This is Loni's fourth marriage. She was previously married to Burt Reynolds, Ross Bickell and Bruce Hasselbeck. Wait, Hasselbeck? No relation to Elisabeth, I hope.

Loni is such a hot bitch. Have you ever seen the TV movie where she played Jayne Mansfield? That shit is so awful that it is nothing short of amazing. Below is a scene between Loni and Arnold Schwarzenegger. A wreck.

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Ashlee Simpson married Pete Wentz last night at her parent's douche palace in Los Angeles. I know the ban on gay marriage was lifted in California, but I didn't know we could get married already. That was fast. Congrats to these two homo tampons.

A spokesbitch told People, "We're delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends."

Asshole wore a dress made out of toilet paper and Pete wore a tux made from guyliner. Papa Joe wore his lucky cock ring. Tony Romo wore a ball and chain aka Jessica Simpson.

Papa Joe also performed the ceremony (for real), Jessica was the maid of honor and Pete's bulldog, Hemingway, was the ring-bearer. Guests included Tony Romo (he had no choice), Nicole Richie and Joel Madden.

Expect a pregnancy announcement in 3....2......

UPDATE: OK! reports that Asshole confirmed her pregnancy to everyone at the reception. Gross.

I was hoping for a Cynthia Nixon and Rojo Caliente wedding, but I'll take this. TMZ reports that Ellen Degeneres told her studio audience today that she will get married to Portia de Rossi now that the California Supreme Court overturned the ban on gay marriage. Portia was in the audience during the announcement and everyone went wild for the two hot lesbians.
Ellen told the Advocate today:

I’m thrilled that the California supreme court overturned the ban on gay marriage. I can’t wait to get married. We all deserve the same rights, and I believe that someday we’ll look back on this and not allowing gays to marry will seem as absurd as not allowing women to vote.

P.S. I’m registered at Crate & Barrel.

Crate & Barrel?! Everyone knows lesbians only register at Home Depot.

Congrats to Ellen and Portia! Cynthia and Rojo better be next or I just don't know!

Remy Ma was sentenced to 8 years in the chokey today for shooting a friend outside a NYC nightclub last summer. Remy said it was an accident. Yeah, just like I accidentally went pee pee in my bed last night, because I was too lazy to go to the toilet. I'm joking! I swear. Ok, I'm not.

26-year-old Remy cried when the judge handed down the sentence. It could have been worse. She faced up to 25-years in prison.

To make Remy's life even more depressing, her weekend wedding was called off by officials.. She was supposed to marry her rapper boyfriend Papoose, but he was caught with a handcuff key during a visit. The dumb fuck tried to smuggle it in. He was immediately kicked off Rikers and told he can't come back for 6-months.

Papoose tried to hide that key in his poop shoot, didn't he? He farted and it fell out of his ass.

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Asshole and her vagina boyfriend will get married this Saturday in a top secret location. UsWeekly reports that the two tampons are trying to keep the whole thing under wraps. A source told them, "Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice."

Guests will be transported to the "secret" wedding location by shuttles. Asshole's rep wouldn't confirm or deny. It's also rumored that Ass is with child.

Don't these two realize that nobody gives a piss about their nauseating day? Even if I received an invitation, I wouldn't go. Ok, I would. Only if it was catered by Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles and Ken Paves was confirmed as a guest. The Paves plus fried chicken and waffles equals heaven.

There's no way Papa Joe will keep this nastiness secret. He's probably trying to negotiate how he can make this blessed event available through pay-per-view.

If you're looking to get Mimi a late wedding pressie, I might have a good suggestion. How about a gift card for the American Laser Center! You see, Mimi got Nick Cannon's name tattooed on her neck. She had it done a month ago.

Mimi told People "One thing (few people) knew was we got tattoos a few weeks earlier. So anyone who saw my ("Mrs. Cannon") tattoo wasn't surprised." Nick got Mariah's named tattooed on his back. It goes from shoulder to shoulder. It's the least he can do for her. Mimi should have gotten his name tattooed on her vagina lips instead, because that's where he's got her by.

She went on to say that she hopes they will have children soon, "I'd just want our children to have the best childhood and upbringing they possibly could." So does this mean she's going to give her kids away when she has them? I kid! I kid!

Mimi would make a wonderful mother! She would put White Oprah's skills to shame.

VIA Mariah Daily

Mimi and Nick Cannon's wedding pictures are in the new issue of People Magazine. Mimi looks like she's eyeing the buffet and Nick is smiling, because he just won the lottery. Sigh. Hopefully, Mimi will give People exclusive rights to her divorce pictures in a couple of months.

Mimi told the mag that she feels Nick is her "soulmate." Nick said, "I never felt a love like this was in the cards for me. She is beautiful on the outside and 10 times as beautiful on the inside." She's very beautiful on the inside because she's filled with donuts, cupcakes and candy! Those are all beautiful and delicious things.

The cover should have said, "Mimi is DICKMATIZED." I hope that dick is making her slap somebody, because this mess is not going to end well.

People Magazine will unveil exclusive pictures from Mimi's wedding at 10am EST today. Don't you love this world? NEXT! Mimi will unveil a new dookie at 11am! No, I'm not talking about a new Mimi song. I'm talking about poop.

If you give a fuck, check People at 10am to see pictures of Mimi making the biggest mistake of her life. I really hope she's wearing a white bikini.

This shit needs to slooooow down. Latina.com is reporting that Mimi and Nick Cannon were married yesterday on some island. The source told them the wedding was intimate and "very impulsive." The wedding was attended by close friends including Da Brat.

Maybe she married Da Brat and not Nick Cannon. Da Brat is her real true love.

I'm going to pissed to hell if this is true. Mimi was supposed to give us a Barbie fairytale dream wedding and not some "intimate" affair on the beach. Eff that! She's not Jennifer Garner. She's fucking Mimi. There's nothing intimate or low-key about her.

She better have pulled out her pink feather pen and made Nick sign an ironclad prenup or she's more delusional than I thought.

I need proof and by "proof" I mean a picture of Mimi in a wedding dress made from pink cotton candy.

Image: Wireimage

Carmen Electra will make Rob Patterson her third husband. Carmen has dated Rob, the former touring guitarist of Korn, for not even a year.

37-year-old Rob popped the question while they were celebrating her 36th Birthday in Las Vegas this past weekend. Her spokeswhore confirms it. Carmen also recently got an "R" tattoo behind her ear and it doesn't stand for retarded.

A source told People that the ring "is a black diamond set in white diamonds." When I hear the words "white diamonds," I automatically think of Elizabeth Taylor's commercial. "Not so fast Tom Ryan!"

Carmen was married to Dennis Rodman for less than a year and Dave Navarro for a little over 3 years.

Carmen is marrying the wrong snatch. We all know she belongs with Joan Jett.