Weddings

71-year-old Robert Redford married 51-year-old Sibylle Szaggars in Hamburg, Germany over the weekend. Robert decided it was time to get handcuffed to misery once again, so he pulled Sibylle's name out of a hat and the rest is history. No, Robert and Sibyelle have been dating for a while. She's an artist type who lives in Sundance, Utah with her boo.

This is Robert's second time at the marriage rodeo. He was married to his first wife, Lola Redford, for almost 30 years. They had four kids together.

The Associated Press says that Robert and Sibylle are also planning a second wedding in Mexico. ATTENTION WHORES!

Congratulations to Robert and his new bride. However, condolences to the millions of middle-aged ladies who are punching their nipples this morning while screaming "IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME!!"

Last year, former pussy panderer Heidi Fleiss was living in a trailer with a bunch of parrots. It looks like Madame Heidi's luck is turning around! Heidi has finally wrapped her salty slug lips on the right wang! Heidi has announced that she will make it legal with fellow whore dealer Dennis Hof, owner of Nevada's Moonlite Bunny Ranch. Double the pimp! Together, there's not a chocha they won't be able to sell.

Heidi said, "I'm proud to say that I'm clean and sober, and I'm finally ready to make a commitment to one man - and that's Dennis. It's going to be my first and only wedding, so it's going to be fabulous." After she said that, her face fell off, because saying that many words at one time was too much pressure. It's all good though. They used some Gorilla Glue to paste her face back on. She'll be ready her fabulous wedding. And fabulous is right!

Heidi calls it a "wedding," but let's call it what it's really going to be: a straight-up orgy. Instead of the wedding officiant (who I'm hoping will be Airforce Amy) announcing "You may now kiss the bridge," she's going to announce "You may now kiss the bride's vagina." Instead of throwing rice, the groomsmen and bridesmaids will form a circle jerk around the newlyweds and shoot loads all over them. Heidi's something blue will be something she blew. This is going to be a wedding for the whore ages!

Source VIA The Frisky

39-year-old Rachel Hunter, star of The Real Gilligan's Island, Dancing with the Has-Beens, Style Me, Celebrity Paranormal Project, Make Me A Supermodel, Celebrity Circus and any other reality show you can think of, has been straight-up dumped by her fiance just a couple of months before they were supposed to get married.

Bitch, I hope the caterers refund your deposit. Everything I know about weddings I learned from Bridezilla.

The Daily Mail says that Rachel's 27-year-old fiance, L.A. Kings hockey player Jarret Stoll, e-mailed every guest telling them that the August 14th wedding wasn't going to happen. Jarret didn't give Rachel a reason for why he wanted to quit her ass. Rachel apparently has the sads in a bad way. A friend said, "She has absolutely no idea why Jarret has done this. It sounds like it could be a classic case of cold feet. He is a fair bit younger than her."

I hope Rachel's not hibernating in her bedroom devouring a giant tub of Breyers while listening to "This Old Heart of Mine" on repeat (that would be ironic).

Rachel should dry her tears, pick up her vagina, spray some perfume on it and fuck every one of Jarret's friends. Don't stop there. Fuck his father, his uncles, his cousins, his second cousins, his brothers, his gardener, his dry cleaner, etc... etc... Fuck him over by fucking everyone in his life! When he's sitting at Christmas dinner with his entire family, he'll look into each of their faces and die a little inside when he realizes that your pussay has been on every single one of them. Git it, Rachel!

42-year-old Mike Tyson made 32-year-old Lakiha Spicer his third wife in Las Vegas over the weekend. Mike and Lakiha got married late Saturday night at a chapel at the LV Hilton. The chapel owner said Mike wanted to keep the wedding low-key and simple.

As anyone who watches TV, listens to the radio, gets their hair done at a salon or goes on the internet knows, Mike's 4-year-old daughter Exodus passed away two weeks ago. Exodus is Mike's daughter with Sol Xochitl.

I know some people are screaming "WHY SO SOON?!", but maybe this is how Mike is dealing with his grief. I don't know. I had a friend whose father unexpectedly died and the day after she found out, she wanted to go dancing. I found it a little strange, but figured she just wanted to completely escape from the situation for a day or two before completely breaking down. People deal in different ways. And getting semi-deep totally hurts my head. I feel like Mike just bit my ear off.

But what I want to know is why would anyone marry Mike Tyson? I know Lakiha's eyes are really far a part, but can't she still see that she just married Mike Tyson?! She needs to have a little chat with Robin Givens.

Source

The Governor of New Hampshire signed a bill tonight making it legal for same-sex couples to handcuff themselves to each other. Just like everyone else! New Hampshire is now the 6th state in the country that allows gays and gayelles to get married!!! And on Anderson Cooper's birthday nonetheless! I just thought I'd add that since every time a state legalizes gay marriage, I automatically think of Mah Boo whisking me off to that state to make an honest homo out of me. We'll have a Lolita-themed wedding in New Hampshire. Those heart-shaped sunglasses will look extra precious on him.

And now my eyes are on you, New York. Once you snap your fingers and make it happen, the most beautiful wedding the world has ever seen can finally take place. I've already got my flower girl outfit ready. It's made out of flannel, Bugle Boy khakis, faux red fern leaves and ginger weave hair.

Source: The New York Times

The Supreme Court in California voted 6-1 to NOT throw Prop 8 it in a casket and then bury it. Prop 8 lives on. Cut to trillions of gays (including this one) and gayelles making sad faces. Why do you want to make us weepy in the face, California? When a lesbian sheds a tear, a Home Depot closes its doors forever. Nobody wants that.

The only good news it that the 18,000 same-sex marriages that were performed before Prop 8 passed will remain valid.

My favorite gayelle memaw, Phyllis Lyon, quickly issued a response and said everything will be OK one day. If Phyllis says it will, then it will! A gayelle memaw doesn't lie!

Visit Towleroad if you're interested in demonstration information.

Baby Jesus' father, God, has told Brazil's Who Magazine (via Gatecrasher) that the rumors about his son marrying Madonna are true. I'm not even a practicing Catholic anymore, but I feel like I need to pray for the fuckery I read in that last sentence. SANTO DIOS! Hand me a rosary and light a candle! Get my veil too! The lace one!

God said that they will "marry" in a Kabbalah ceremony in New York. Since it's not going to be a real marriage, he's not sure if it's legally binding or not. The magazine also asked God about the rumors that Madonna was making Baby Jesus take ESL lessons, but he says that's all just lies. God chirped, "Jesus already spoke English very well before he knew Madonna! I've spoken by phone with Madonna - in French, because my English is not fluent - and she appears to me to be a normal and polite person. She is feminine. I don't feel she is a harsh person."

If you swallowed your tongue after reading the "feminine" part, you're not alone. I've been trying to pull my tongue out of my throat ever since I read that. Madonna is about as feminine as a T-Rex's dick.

You know, something in the milk ain't clean about this Kabbalah ceremony thing. Methinks Vadge is up to something. This isn't a commitment ceremony, this is a de-nutsack ceremony! And while she's in there, she's going to take his peen's hoody too! Because if you're going to be knocking it with Madonna long-term, you gotta leave your ballies at the door.

Droopy-faced Maggie Gyllenhaal married beardy-faced Peter Sarsgaard in Italy over the weekend which means that if she took his last name she is now Maggie Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaard. That also means Maggie has taken all the As. There's no more As to give. If you wanted to name your kid Areola or Asshat, don't be surprised when you're told that it's not available because Maggie took all the As.

Anyway, the lumpy bed bug-ridden mattresses made it legal in Brindisi, Italy on Saturday in a small ceremony. They have been together since 2002 and have a 2-year-old daughter.

Of course, Jakey Poo was there. He loves to squeal at wedding! I'm sure he made the purdiest little flower girl ever. Throwing flowers is really his true calling. Reese also tagged along, because someone had to be there to zip up Jakey's leotard and fluff his tutu before he skipped down the aisle.

Source: People

Salma Hayek, her miracle chichis and François-Henri Pinault all got married for a second time over the weekend in Venice. The first time Salma married money bags it was one of those fast weddings at city hall in Paris, so Francois didn't really get a chance to show everyone how really fucking rich he is. That's what the second wedding was for.

This shit looks like it was too fancy for my ass. I would've been asking for mini-bagel-pizzas and sparking Andre. Damn. I mean, they were even wearing masks. Rich people are so weird. I bet they had butt wipers wearing tuxedos in every bathroom stall and drank champagne out of crystal flutes filled with diamonds. I can't hate, because Salma that money, so she can buy the Isle of Lesbos and freely frolic on the beaches with her down-low partner in pussy Penny Cruz. Speaking of, you know Penny had to bite on a dildo when the preacher asked if anybody objected to this shit!

Here's all the fancies leaving or arriving at the Queen Chichis wedding. Guests included Anna Wintour, Penny Cruz, Javier Bardem, Gael Garcia Bernal, Lily Cole, Ashley Judd, Charlize Theron, Zhang Ziyi and Bono. When Salma's chichis fully cover from this party, she better do something about the swine flu. The cure is in her miracle chichis.

The biggest famesluts who ever roamed this earth are getting married this weekend WITHOUT securing the exclusive picture rights with a celebrity weekly. If Twit and Twat do ANYTHING and a tabloid isn't there to capture the queef-inducing moment, did it really happen? Shallow thoughts.

MSNBC's The Scoop says that UsWeekly, People, InTouch, Life & Style, the Summer's Eve marketing department and Horse & Hound all refused to pay the amount these two fart bubbles wanted. The only magazine that offered up anything was OK!, but Heidi and Spencer turned that deal down. Instead, they are going to get a photo agency to take all the pictures which they will sell to all the weeklies. A source said, “They’d rather be on page 50 of Us, People, In Touch or Life & Style than be on the cover of a magazine like OK! that isn’t going to sell. They need to make money, and so does the magazine. The formula is changing."

If anybody pays more than a crotch nugget for this puketorial, then they paid too much! Besides, this wedding is going to be as real as the first one. The last time I checked, a peroxide-eating dildo and a special needs dwarf pony couldn't legally get married in California.

And if anybody has Mother Nature's weekend phone number, please call her up and let that bitch know we're going to need an F5 tornado to crash that party.