Weddings

Josh Duhamel and Fuggie Fug are officially man and methface! Everyone, piss your pants in honor of this glorious marriage! Go ahead, let is flow! That's what Fuggie would want.

People says that the two made it legal at some grapeyard in Malibu. By People's description, the wedding sounds like some tacky shit. Fuggie wore Dolce & Gabbana and carried a bouquet of white flowers, crystals meth rocks. She had 10 bridesmaids all dressed in black. The reception tent was filled with forest trees and lights.

The guests included Becky Romjin Lettuce, Jerry O'Connell, AC Slater, Kid Pebble, Slash, Kate Hudson, Vanessa Marcil and some other stupid whores. That guest list is probably going to be the cast of Dancing with the Has-Beens in like 5 years. Real talk.

If Fuggie didn't invite her bitches from Wild Orchid and Kids Inc., she has a heart of caca (and meth). Actually, they probably were there. They served canapes during cocktail hour.

I'm sure Josh and Fuggie's marital union will last foreeeeever. Or until Josh meets and falls in love with this hot methface.

Terrible news for those of you whores who coochie cream over Michael C. Hall. He went off and got himself married to the chick who plays his sister on Dexter. Ew! You're boning your sister! Seriously now, his spokesbitch told E! that they did the deed on New Year's Eve in Big Sur, CA.

Michael, 37, and Jennifer Carpenter, 29, have been dating on the down low for about a year and a half. They are expected to walk the red carpet as man and wifey this Sunday at the Golden Globes.

Dexter is not a member of my Tivo queue family, but I was all about Six Feet Under. David Fisher is married to Keith Charles! Not this stick bug lady!

P.S. - Let's all clap for that hot Asian girl in the picture above. She's giving us face.

That's because he just got married for the fourth time in Santa Barbara last week. Don't stick your head in the oven just yet, because this bitch's marriages never last longer than a quick minute. Go tap your crotch to your personal favorite Oldman movie (mine is Prick Up Your Ears) and by the time you're finished, the ink on his divorce papers will be dry. That's how he does it.

50-year-old Gary married 31-year-old jazz singer Alexandra Edenborough in a teeny tiny ceremony last week. His agent confirmed this shit, because he was Gary's best man. This is the fourth time Gary has locked a ball and chain to his ankle. His longest marriage lasted four years. His marriage to Uma Thurman was canceled before their 2-year anniversary.

So, yeah, Alexandra better get to fucking work! She doesn't have much time before Gary quits her ass, so she better start massaging those tired spermies out of his pepaw peen. Put a little speed in his dick hole, so his jizz fishies swim faster! Get that money before it shuffles off!

And with his whiskers and her eyes, they will have purdy kids. Gary really does have amazing whiskers. That's how he gets all the ladies. It adds an extra tickle.

When you woke up this morning, you probably glanced at your bong and quickly considered making sweet love to it, but then decided you wanted to try and be a responsible person instead, because it's Tuesday. Well, fuck that shit! Grab your bong and make sweet, sweet, sweeeet love to it. There's reason to celebrate! Royal stoner Woody Harrelson married his girlfriend of like ten millions years, Laura Louie, on Sunday in Maui. Maui Wowie! Okay, they've really been together for 20 years, but that's like ten million in stoner time.

On Sunday, if you were craving a fat joint, Woody's wedding was the place to find it. I mean, Willie Nelson, Sean Penn and Owen Wilson were all guests. Instead of toasting with champagne, they held up their bongs. You know they only served Funions, chili cheese fries and refried beans. The wedding cake was probably made out of pot brownies.

UsWeekly says that Alanis Morissette sang. Okay, that would've killed my high.

Congrats to these two crazy stoners. May they have many more years of bonging and boinking (sorry for the visual) together!

The picture above is what my wet dreams basically looked like when Sam Talbot's season of Top Chef was airing. French fries and Sam! The only thing missing is a hot tub full of mayo.

One of the biggest manwhores of NYC, Sam Talbot, is now wearing a wedding ring. A source close to Sam told People that he got married to some trollop in NYC on November 17th at City Hall. Marrying at City Hall usually means you need a green card or baby is coming.

The source went on to say, "They are madly in love, and he is the happiest man alive to call her his wife."

This doesn't hurt that much, because I pretty much got over Sam after learning that he betrayed me last July. All the pictures I Photoshopped of Sam and me running hand in hand on the beach, canoodling in a French bistro and playing naked Twister have been erased from my computer.

Besides, this is my new Top Chef crush:

Manuel Uribe gained another 100+ pounds in Mexico yesterday after marrying his 38-year-old girlfriend Claudia Solis!!

Manuel, who hasn't left his bed in 6 years, was carried to his wedding on a flatbed truck. His custom-made bed was decorated with a canopy, flowers and gold-trimmed bows. Patrol cars escorted him and the flatbed truck to the banquet hall. I'm jealous. I want to be carried everywhere on my bed. He's like Cleofatra being carried through the streets of Mexico, waving to his subjects (aka the taco stand and McDonalds).

After they were declared husband and wife, Manuel broke into tears and all the 400 guests almost drowned. When the hall was dried out, Manuel and Claudia shared the traditional first dance by holding hands and swaying to the music.

The reception featured a spread of meat, buttered vegetables and a five-tier wedding cake. That was just for Manuel, the other guests ate burritos and rice. No! Manuel's doctors were on hand to make sure he didn't devour everything in sight. Manuel had to save his appetite so that he could eat his new wife later. You know he pours hot sauce on her chocha, sprinkles cheese on the top and wraps it in a burrito.

Manuel, who weighed 1,230 at his heaviest in 2006, told the reporters while leaving the hall, "I have a wife and will form a new family and live a happy life!"

Congratulations to Manuel and his ultimate chubby chaser wife, Claudia! I just hope Manuel has a prenup, because you know that bitch Claudia is after his Gansitos collection. Food digger!

David Banda's bio-daddy thinks that his son is living a life without love and tells The Sun that maybe he should be back with him in Africa instead of living in Vadge's House of Pain.

David might not be living in a house filled with hugs and kisses, but he can eat all the soybeans he wants. Oh and there's plenty of Kabbalah water too!

Yohane Banda said he's disappointed that Vadge's marriage tanked and doesn't think his son is happy. Yohane got on his soap box and said, "I am still a poor farmer with nothing to offer, but maybe he would be better off back with us. This woman Madonna told me herself that David was beautiful and made her happy and she promised to take good care of him."

Yohane lives with his wife, her 3-year-old daughter and their 7-month-old son. The Sun showed him a paparazzi picture of David and Vadge and Yohane responded, "He doesn't look happy in this picture. He looks bewildered. If there is no love in the family, is there any love for him? This is a new and terrible thing to happen to him. I am too upset to think clearly. He is only three years old and he has been through so much."

Translation: I am too upset to think about this.....but if she accidentally sent me a bag of money, I might feel a little less weepy.

He also claims Vadge promised to keep him updated about his son's well-being and all that, but she hasn't. Yohane said, "I thought she would take him away from the danger of malaria and other diseases that kill children here, and that she would let me know that he was happy. I have never heard from her since the day I agreed to let her adopt David. She has sent no photographs or news. I suppose she just wants him for herself."

What the fuck did he expect? She's Vadge! Not fucking Sally Struthers. I don't know what to tell Yohane. He should know to never trust a muscle lady with a bad British accent!

And since we're on the subject of muscle lady Vadge, the Mail on Sunday published some never-before-seen pictures of Vadge and Guy's white (HA!) wedding. I'm surprised the crown isn't bigger and Guy isn't in handcuffs. I love the picture of him kissing her with his eyes open. He's thinking, "What the fuck did I just do? And why do I no longer have any sensation in my nutsack area?"

"HOW SICK" is right.

Howard Stern, 54, married Beth Ostrosky, 36, at Le Cirque in NYC last night. Seriously, they got married at Le Cirque! A fucking restaurant. That's like me getting married at Red Lobster. Actually, that's not a bad idea. A cheese biscuit wedding cake! Delicious.

A bunch of stupid ass celebrities showed up to the wedding for some free booze and cake. The guest list included Joan Rivers, Barbara Walters, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Robin Quivers, Kelly Ripa and Chevy Chase. Kelly Ripa's husband Mark Consuelos officiated the ceremony. Billy Joel sang at the reception.

Do you think the guests took turns throwing lunch meat at Beth's bare ass during the reception? You probably weren't allowed to take the table centerpieces, but I'm sure Howard gave a free pair of fake titties to a lucky guest. Hopefully, it was Chevy Chase.

This is Beth's first marriage and Howard's second.

I don't know what to think of Beth. Should I be celebrating another victory for The Gold Diggers' Club? For some reason I get the feeling that Beth actually lo-lov-loves Howard. Gross, right? If that's the case then she should really tell her therapist about this. That's not natural. If that's not the case then I wish her all the best in getting that CASH!

Here's Beth, Howard and their grouchy dog leaving for their honeymoon this morning.

The granola version of Ellen and Portia will get married in California sometime soon. Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels have been together for a long ass time and they have four kids together so it's time.

Melissa , 47, and Tammy, 33, got married in a ceremony in Malibu in 2003, but that shit isn't considered legal. Now that gay marriage is legal in California, they are ready to make it official. Melissa said, "We are so grateful for the blessings from our friends and family as we commence our vows, and begin the rest of our lives together."

She's not joking about the "rest of our lives" part. She should have said the "rest of our lives and even our after-lives." If there's an after-after-life, they will be together then too. Marriage is definitely for gayelles. The lesbian bitches I know have been with their pussy partners for like a zillion years or more. For some reason they never get stick of seeing the same snatch day in and day out! There must be some kind of chemical in strap-ons that makes you all monogamous forever and shit.

Tammy deserves massive amounts of happiness with whipped cream on top. She was in one of my favorite show of the late 90s "Popular" and anyone in that show has a million rays of sunshine on them at all times.

Source

These two bitches didn't waste any time. Ryan Reynolds, 31, and ScarJo, 23, got married in some remote wilderness resort (WTF) outside of Vancouver last night. Remote wilderness resort?! Did the bitch wear berries in her hair and the bunny rabbits were her bridesmaids? Actually, I like that. I want a remote wilderness resort wedding.

Anyshotgunwedding, ScarJo's rep confirmed the wedding to UsWeekly. In addition to several dozen woodland creatures, guests included her mommy and brother.

The two became engaged last May after dating for about a year.

I bet that Ryan couldn't stop staring at ScarJo's magnificent chichis during the ceremony. He probably even said, "I Ryan, take you ScarJo's chichis to be...." Can you blame him? And ScarJo said, "I ScarJo, take you Ryan's six pack..."

What's with the rush wedding? She's knocked up, right? I'm getting excited just thinking about how big those titty balls are going to get if she's with child. She's going to knock out Salma Hayek's record!

And I just want to let ScarJo know that Ryan is thinking of Alanis Morissette when he fucks her. Okay, not really, but I thought I would throw Alanis a sugar cube or something.

P.S. - I give these whores 6-months tops. Sorry, but Ryan will never be ScarJo's true love...Obama.

Image: Fame