Weddings

71-year-old George Takei married his 54-year-old partner Brad Altman in Los Angeles yesterday evening. The two oldies have been together for 21 years. If you still want to look at the same pair of saggy prune sacks after 21 years, then it must be true love.

200 of George and Brad's (like Clooney & Pitt) friends and family helped celebrate their new union. George's "Star Trek" co-stars, Nichelle Nichols and Walter Koenig, served as maid of sexy and best man. Nichelle told People, "I was fighting back the tears. But they came oozing out anyway. I'm so happy that they're both able to legally proclaim their commitment to one another after spending the past 21 years together." I want a gay wedding just so Nichelle Nichols can show up and "ooze" tears.

Before making it legal, George said to reporters in his cashmere-on-velvet voice, "Live long and prosper!"

He never gets sick of saying that, does he? Maybe he can't even help it. He's said it so many times in his lifetime that it's etched in his brain and won't wash away. He probably says it like 300 times a day. It's the first thing he says in the morning and the last thing he says at night. His new husband has learned to drown that shit out.

I shouldn't joke. That's going to be me in a few years. My stupid lingo is going to stick with me until my dying days and I won't be able to help it. In 50 years, when I'm sitting in the retirement home with a hot cup of Ensure next to me, I'm going randomly blab about "memaws, chicken cutlets, lucite and no-no holes." If this happens, just pass me the bowl of Werther's Originals and ignore me for the rest of the day.

Anyoldgay, congrats to these two pepaws! May the rest of their days be filled with love, Metamucil, Icy Hot and caramel squares! Wait, do you think that pepaw gays use Icy Hot instead of lube? I mean, it kills two birds with one stone....so to speak.

Is that a bull between SamRo's legs or is she just happy to see us?

The Sun reports that SamRo used her labia lickin' lips to tell a bunch of strangers that she will marry HoHan by the end of the year. While DJing at the Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles, SamRo apparently announced: “By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs Ronson. Tonight shows the power of a woman – to underestimate that is to underestimate the world.” Pussy power!

HoHan also feels the same way about her punane pal. She talked about their matching tattoos to Marie Claire magazine: "Samantha has a bunch of stars, so I got that. I'm really happy. She's a great person. And she's a great influence on people around her."

HoHan has been doing so well lately. Why eff it all up by getting married? The only acceptable reason for a HoHan/SamRo wedding is so that White Oprah can give a drunken "mother of the bride" speech during the reception.

And if HoHan becomes Lindsay Ronson, what will I fucking call her? HoRon? It's just not the same.

Deborah Lin is my favorite ho of the day! The 40-year-old "former model" married 46-year-old James Gandolfini in her hometown of Honolulu, Hawaii yesterday. The gold diggers are taking over the world. Watch out BABIES!!!

Okay, Deborah might not be a gold digger, but would you marry Tony Soprano if he didn't have money coming out of his chunky ass? Answer me that!

The two became engaged late 2007 after going public with their relationship earlier in the year.

The wedding was attended by a bunch of hos. Deborah was a dress. James wore a tuxedo. They ate cake and they danced. Typical wedding shit. A witness told People, "It was amazing. James ate the whole fucking cake in one gulp! I've never seen anything like that before." No, the witness said, "There was a nice big kiss at the end with both hands on the cheeks. They looked great."

Well done, Deborah! Although, she's working hard for that money! Her arms must be sore as fuck from having to hold up James' FOPA while riding his willy all the time.

I have terrible news. Jemaine Clement from "Flight of the Concords" got married. And it wasn't to you. Or me. He married some raggedy skank who goes by the name of Miranda Manasiadis. I'm sure she's a lovely lady with a vagina like a spring tulip, but she'll always be a homewrecking cunt to me.

Jemaine has taken a break from writing the series to marry the tramp in a small registry office in Los Angeles. 34-year-old Jemaine has been called one of Wellington's most eligible bachelors. Not anymore!

Even though she's now on my shit list, I have a little advice for Miranda Manasiadis. Keep your new husband away from Sienna Miller! Her vagina alarm just went off, letting her know that there's a married man in her midst. If Sienna comes around, throw holy water on her!

Here's a clip featuring Jemaine's "rudest" moments. Before I die, I want Jemaine to say to me just once, "Shut up, Michael." Just once.

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi became wifey and wifey on Saturday at their home in Los Angeles, and here's a few stalker-like pictures from the blessed event. I can see you two little 'gina bumpers, but you can't see me. Ehehehe!

Okay, what in lezzie flannel hell is Ellen wearing? I swear she stole my first communion outfit out of my mother's guest room closet. That's practically the same shit I wore except I had fancy silver shoes with bells on them. No joke. What's gayer than gay? Fancy silver shoes with bell on them.

Portia looks loverly as usual. And so happy! I would be fucking happy too if I just married a dykey pot o' gold! Portia better not have signed a prenup! Prenups are my worst nightmare. They ruin everything!

Below are a few more pictures including one of Ellen holding a dog who isn't Iggy. It's like that, Ellen? I see how it is. Poor Iggy. And for a gayelle wedding, they sure had a lot of floating balls around the joint.

Portia de Rossi, 35, and Ellen Degeneres, 50, completely ruined their relationship by getting married in California yesterday. It's a known fact that marriage ruins people's lives!!! Although, Portia and Ellen will beat the odds. Gayelles do it better.

Ellen's spokesbitch confirmed to People that they made it legal at their home in Los Angeles. They both wore Zac Posen, because details like that are very important. When you lay awake tonight, thinking about what in muffin hell Ellen and Portia wore to their wedding, you'll have the answer. Oh! And the flowers were by Mark's Garden. Another very fucking important fact.

Only 19 people were invited to the ceremony. Iggy the Dog better have been their ring bearer or I will slap Ellen with a veiny dick and she won't like that very much. In fact, it might make her vomit uncontrollably.

Congratulations to these two lezzies in love. Do you think whoever officiated the ceremony said, "You may now scissor the bride"?

Ellen Degeneres and Mandy Rogers aka Portia de Rossi are going to tie the vagina this weekend in California. UsWeekly reports that the two blonde gayelles will have a small ceremony now that it's legal for gay hos to ruin their lives by getting married.

Last May, Ellen announced on her show that she would make Portia an honest woman.

This is the only thing I want to know. Are Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon going to be there? If so, I will jump my sick ass on a plane and crash that shit! Dancing cheek-to-cheek with Rojo Caliente to a Melissa Etheridge song would make my life. And I'm not talking about the cheeks on our faces.

Hopefully, Portia didn't sign any pre-nup. She can't really get knocked up by Ellen, so that's her only best bet! Sorry, business first, pleasure second.

And does anyone know an address where I can send them a gift certificate to Homo Depot as a congratulations? Actually, Ellen and Portia are fancy gayelles. I would have to send them a gift certificate to Homo Depot EXPO instead.

Sir Bob Geldof's daughter and one of the biggest messes of the UK, Peaches Geldof, married some dude in Las Vegas. The Sun reports that 19-year-old Peaches and 23-year-old Max Drummey of the American band Chester French got hitched on either Wednesday or Thursday of last week.

None of their family or friends were around to witness this blessed union. Her spokesbitch issued this statement:

"The couple tied the knot in a simple low-key ceremony in Las Vegas last week, while holidaying in America. Peaches first met Max, 23, a Harvard graduate in anthropology, two years ago. Max's band, Chester French, played at the ITV iTunes festival, where Peaches was a co-presenter of the show. The acclaimed new Boston band were signed by Pharrell Williams to his label Star Track, a subsidiary of the giant Interscope Label."

Peaches was reportedly dating Farris Rotter of the band The Horrors. They recently broke up and I guess she celebrated by getting married! And it's a good thing her spokesperson issued a statement. Peaches probably didn't even know her new husband went to Harvard! The things you learn about your spouse from a press release!

Peaches recently made news when she apparently overdosed. She later brushed it off and said it was just a "bad experience." Hmmm....something tells me she'll say the same thing in a couple of days when she files for annulment.

Wenn

Jewel and her man of 10 years, Ty Murray, eloped to the Bahamas yesterday, so says People. She should have headed to the damn dentist instead and got that snagtooth situation worked out. I kid. I actually like homegirl's bottle opener teefs.

Jewel's spokesbitch said, "She wore a traditional wedding gown, while Ty wore his favorite blue jeans, white shirt and cowboy hat. The couple is very happy and look forward to enjoying their honeymoon." He went on to say that when they kissed, Ty got stuck on Jewel's snagtooth, so they had to go to the hospital.

These two are kind of a better looking Squinty Zellweger and Kenny Chesgay. And Squinty and Kenny eloped to the Caribbean too. Jewel and Ty are copy catters!

Since they eloped, does this mean she's carrying a baby jewel in her belly? If she's having a baby, she better name that kid after a gemstone! I like Tiger's Eye the best.

If I ever lose my fucking mind and decide to get married, this is exactly the way I want my wedding to look like. Seriously, I will take this video to the wedding planner and tell them to recreate this classy affair down to the plastic crates and knocked up bridesmaids.

On the Fourth of July, Bubba married Pam in the parking lot of a Waffle House in Dacula, GA off of Highway 316/U.S. Highway 29 interchange. Bubba and Pam both work at the Waffle House. She was able to get the day off, but he had to work the morning shift.

They were surrounded by 30 of their closest friends and family who chain-smoked and drank soda throughout the ceremony. The elegant ambiance was completed by a Hank Williams Jr. song playing from the radio of a nearby SUV.

Pam's daddy told The Gwinnet Daily Post, "I think it's pretty redneck myself. But I'm a redneck anyway, so." Shit, then I must be a redneck too, because this wedding is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

There's seriously too much glamour to comment on, but you HAVE to watch the beautiful picture gallery above set to 98 Degrees' "Sunshine After The Rain." This is the kind of shit I dream about at night.

If you can't see the video above, click here to see the pictures.

Thanks L