Weddings

As you may have heard, and probably didn't give a shit about, the attention whoring human publicity stunt that is Kim Kardashian is planning on jumping the broom with her bassehball jones man Kris Humphries. Well I hope you're sitting down (yes, asleep counts) because according to Pop Eater, they have set the date for their big fat ass Armenian wedding!!!1one!

Apparently they're going to have like a two hour special on E! for all of you who just can't get enough of Kris's speshul face or Kim's primadonna preening and want to see her as full blown bridezilla. And mama Kris will be there to fawn all over her cash cow. Of course! what is the point of having an intimate and sacred moment if you can't whore it out?

They won't let anyone tell the date or the location, so there are no details, so that makes this no-news even no-newsier. You're welcome and no, you can't have your 30 seconds back. ALL SALES ARE FINAL.

This time last year, Rachel Weisz was married to the dude that made Jennifer Connelly do ass-to-ass in a movie, and Daniel Craig was with his girlfriend of five years and now they're married to each other. What a difference a year and good ass makes. Rachel's rep tells People that she married James Bond IN SECRET this past Wednesday in NYC. The only people at the wedding were Daniel's 18-year-old daughter Ella, Rachel's 4-year-old son Henry and two friends. If you were thinking that it's been a couple of seconds since Rachel started shaking her coochtini on James Bond's crotch, you're sort of right. They started getting on each other last fall.

There's really zero details about this wedding. We only know that they're married and that shit was small. The worst part about this secret wedding is that there aren't any pictures. And by pictures I mean one of a completely nekkid ass nekkid Daniel Craig with a top hat on his peen standing next to another nekkid ass nekkid Daniel Craig with a veil on his peen. Yes, I'd like Daniel Craig to completely reenact his secret wedding to Rachel with his peen. Rachel gets the day off. Daniel owes this to us!

As I blog from the front of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's firehouse, waiting for him to prance out in a cloud of platinum glitter to propose to me using a ring he made with the locks of his diamond dust-covered pubes, let's all celebrate the engagement of Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka. You know EVERYBODY and their body waxer got engaged last night and now you can add NPH and DB to that list. They announced it on Twatter last night.

@Davidburtka David Burtka
@Team_Klaine4ver I've already purposed, he said yes! Thank god!

Davidburtka David Burtka
@Team_Klaine4ver he proposed to me as well. I said yes! Thank god!

@Davidburtka David Burtka
Neil and I have been wearing rings for years. We have been engaged for a while. It did not just happen.

I wish somebody would purposed to me. No, I don't know what that means, but I've got a $10 off coupon for the free clinic, zero standards and a no-no that's been through it all so I'm up for everything!

But seriously, this is not only good news for NPH and DB, but it's also good news for me. I can now follow in the footsteps of my gold digging heroes by marrying a senile old man for his money. I really feel like I haven't lived up to my full potential until I've looked a billionaire pruneface in his cataract lenses and said, "Your billions of dollars don't mean ANYTHING to me, but I'm allergic to ink and legal papers so I cannot sign that prenup." Now I just have to find a billionaire pruneface who will make my dreams come true. So if you know of a wealthy old bat who has shit eyesight (so he won't cringe when I pick and smell my eye boogers in the morning) and prefers the touch of a supple mound of bloat instead of a six-pack, send him my way! You get 10% of my divorce settlement as a finders fee!

And I really can't wait for NPH's wedding. My barren tear ducts may get moist when Vinnie Delpino walks him down the aisle to the Doogie Howser theme song.

via HuffPo

The New York Senate voted 33-29 to become the 6th state in the country to legalize same-sex marriage and now I don't have much time to get a part-time job as a catering waiter so I can serve saw dust canapes and Red Hots margaritas at Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon's wedding!

It will now go to Governor Cuomo's desk and he will sign it using a ginger pen (in honor Rojo, of course) as the First Lady of New York Sandra Lee pours him a Gay Pride cocktail made of melted rainbow sherbet and Strawberry Hill. Rojo can become an exquisite summer bride in 30 days. It truly is cocktail time! From CNN:

New York legislators cleared the last major hurdle to legalize same-sex marriage Friday when the state Senate followed the Assembly's lead in approving legislation to do so.

Earlier in the day, the Assembly passed a version of the bill that included an amendment about religious institutions. The Friday night vote in the Senate means the legislation's fate is now in the hands of Gov. Andrew Cuomo, who proposed it.

The Senate vote came after lawmakers agreed on an amendment that would help protect religious institutions from potential lawsuits, Senate Majority Leader Dean Skelos said.

And I PRAY that some Prop 8 shit doesn't happen to New York. My eyes just can't swallow the sight of more topless famewhores with tape on their mouths and Sharpie marks on their faces. THINK OF THE DUCT TAPE!

Wearing an adult-sized christening dress and the veil everybody's great grandma wore in her wedding picture, Lily Allen married her serious business man boyfriend Sam Cooper at St. James Church in Gloucestershire, England today. The Daily Mail says that Sam also told their wedding guests that they can quit throwing ultrasonic side-eyes at her outer womb area, because Lily is pregnant. So now you know why she's wearing a gunny sacks maternity gown.

One of Lily and Sam's fat mouthed friends told the Daily Mail afterward, "There were tears all around. This is the happiest day of Lily and Sam's lives and they are so in love. This is the icing on the wedding cake!"

Lily's rep only confirmed that she's now a married woman, but zipped their shit shut on the rumor that she's got a case of the babies. The reason for that is obviously because Lily barely had a miscarriage back in November. So it feels a little weird discussing her current uterus situation, but I'm just the messenger! Don't shoot me! Actually, if you insist on shooting me use a paint ball gun and aim for the nipple. That's happened to me before and it oddly did things to me I wasn't expecting.

UPDATE: Lily's spokeswhore confirms that she's officially been diagnosed with a case of the babies.

Here's a few more of Lily looking pretty in her lace ear muffs.

Yesterday in Edinburgh, former Hot Slut and the woman who makes Staysha Randall look like a piercing gun newbie married a completely vanilla man whose idea of a wild time is probably not folding his white boxer shorts before he does missionary sex under the covers with the lights on. Actually, I shouldn't judge a bald bland man by his cover, because he could be wearing a nipple to penis chain underneath that sensible suit.

The Telegraph is happy to report that 46-year-old Brazilian piercing goddess Elaine Davidson married civil servant worker Douglas Watson in an intimate ceremony in Edinburgh where they live together. Douglas told reporters outside of the Register's Office that he didn't fall in love with Elaine because she looks like the love child of Princess Fiona Shrek and a magnet, he loves her for the beauty she is inside. Douglas said, "We met in a coffee shop in Glasgow 15 years ago and got chatting. We connected straight away and have been together ever since. I am always amazed by the effect her piercings have on people. She's an incredible woman. People think its unconventional but that is the woman she is and people love her for it."

Elaine, who owns an aromatherapy shop in town, has nearly 7,000 piercings including with 192 in her face alone and 1,500 that are "internal." Elaine painted herself green for the occasion.

Douglas' family said that as a child they always caught him sticking his dick in a jar of bolts so they aren't surprised by this pairing (they didn't say that). You know, nothing makes the dead veins in my heart twitch like the love between an odd couple. Here's hoping that they will be very happy together and here's hoping that they got gallons of rust stop lube as wedding presents or poor Doug is going to need a tetanus shot in his dick every week.

29 years after Marie Osmond and Stephen Craig summoned a mob of Mormon side-eyes by getting divorced, they have decided to give that shit another go. Marie and Stephen starred in an reboot of their first wedding by getting married for the second time at the Las Vegas Mormon Temple (please tell me it has video poker in the lobby) this morning. Since Marie's face today looks nothing like it did 40 years ago thanks to porcelain facials, she wanted Stephen to recognize her so she wore the same hot dress she wore to their original wedding in 1982.

Marie and Stephen chose to do Marriage: The Sequel today, because it's the born day of her late mother and late son Michael. Marie released this statement after getting married FOR REAL this time.

"I am so happy and look forward to sharing my life with Stephen, who is an amazing man as well as a great father to my children."

I will only approve of this Mormon union if the maid of honor at the wedding was Baby Mary Hart:

Porcelain fumes are a helluva drug.

via People

Prince William and Duchess "Don't Call Me Kate!" Catherine weren't the only royals who got married this weekend. The former Emperor of Lucite, Lorenzo Lamas, continued his streak as the ultimate vow repeater by getting married for the 5th time in his 52 years on earth. Lorenzo married his 24-year-old fiancée of over a year Shawna Craig at a resort in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico yesterday evening. Lorenzo's new child bride wasn't even born yet when he married his first wife in 1981. This is one of those times where a guest exercises their right to send a gift up to a year later, because who knows if this mess is going to last that long (SPOILER ALERT: It won't!). The details from E! News:

While the bride wore a traditional white gown with a long train, Lorenzo wore white pants, a black long-sleeved shirt and flip-flops for the beach wedding overlooking the Pacific.

Although his new bride is younger than his oldest daughter, Shayne Lamas, she approves. "They are both really excited and seem very much in love, so they of course have my blessing," Shayne tells E! News.

Shayne, her new baby bump and husband Nik Richie were among those in attendance at the ceremony, which took place at the five-star Casa Dorado Hotel.

Unfortunately, Shauna Sand couldn't make it since she was too busy feeding beauty-deprived orphans with drops of her elegance and gorgeousness. But she was there in spirit. Actually, Shauna Sand is always with Lorenzo in spirit since his face looks like it's been injected with lucite and attacked by a sander.

With everyone's idol Flower Girl Grace trying to stop the madness with her hands and this picture of Prince Hot Ginge checking up on his royal scepter, I can say with complete confidence that there's nothing more to see here. Our work here is done! If you don't believe me, stick a thermometer in my no-no to be sure. Yeah, you probably won't ever see it again, but by the off chance you do, you'll see that whatever Royal Wedding fever shit I was suffering from is now gone! I must now focus my energy on trying to find a coffin whose interior goes perfectly with the picture above. Don't act like you didn't know I was going to bond this picture to the inside of my coffin door so that I can ride it to the underworld. I like to plan ahead.

So with that, the party is over! Grab a centerpiece and fill your purse with plastic swans and Jordan Almonds before that sneaky shifty ginger Fergie crawls in to snatch 'em all for her eBay business. And since we're on the subject of that mess Fergie, I also threw in some pictures of her daughters Princess Eugenie and Beatrice looking like they just fell out of the Big Business costume closet. The good thing is that Princess Beatrice's hat will be donated to a middle school science class so that they can see what real life intestines look like.

While Becks high-pitched perky demeanor matched his "young Shirley Temple on fast forward" voice, Posh was pretty much the opposite at that one wedding this morning. Who farted lard into the bowl of nothing Posh eats every morning? Posh was probably hating life more than usual because she couldn't show off her size negative ten praying mantis body due to the bountiful mound of baby stuck to the front of her body. But Posh tried to make it work by gluing a giant blue Tic Tac to her head and covering her body with one of the navy tablecloths from my 9th grade winter formal (the theme was "Paris at Midnight" - GAG).

But if Posh did make the sliver of a tiny smile with her mouth, they would've shut that wedding down and the country would've declared a national emergency. When Posh's permacunt ass smiles, we all pile into the safe houses.