Weddings

Remember Ethan Hawke? Yeah, me neither. Well, he got married to his knocked up girlfriend, Ryan Shawhughes, three weeks ago. People reports that the two twats are expecting a baby girl soon. This Ethan's second marriage.

Ryan and Ethan met while he was still married to Uma Thurman. She worked as their nanny. They claim they started dating after he divorced Uma. Uh...huh...and I don't slather apple butter on myself hoping my dog licks it off. I'M JOKING! Don't call Peta!

Hopefully, dumb bitch Ryan is smart enough not to hire a nanny for their new baby. And if her lazy ass insists on getting one, she better hire a 300lb toofless beast.

Homos everywhere are flocking to California to get married, but Cynthia Nixon isn't one of those homos. Cynthia told the NYDN that she's not planning to make an honest ginge out of Rojo Caliente until gay marriage is legal in New York. She said, "In an ideal world, we'd like to do it in New York, when it becomes legalized. Hopefully, it won't take 20 years."

Somebody slap this bitch with a wet strap-on! Rojo Caliente isn't going to wait forever! I'm sure she has thousands of suitors knocking at her tool shed door, hoping she will put on a Men's Warehouse tuxedo and marry them in California! Cynthia better get on it! Rojo's fire bush won't always be there!

In other Rojo news, last week I posted a story about Cynthia reportedly getting her chichis done. Well, Cynthia has denied the story and fired back! She said, "I was at St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital for my 'three-monthly' checkup. I was in the Oncology Department. I guess they think that means 'plastic surgery. Yes, I had breast cancer, but I had a lumpectomy. Some women have reconstructive surgery, but mine did not merit that.

"The story was totally false. It would be annoying and disheartening in any case, but particularly because I've been so open about my breast cancer."

I knew that shit wasn't true. Rojo likes her women all-natural.

71-year-old George Takei and his 54-year-old man of 21 years signed their lives away today in West Hollywood, CA. George and his honey bunny, Brad Altman, will marry on September 14th. They were among the first gays to pay $70 for a marriage license which is good for 90 days.

George told reporters outside, "It's going to be the only day like this in our lives and it is the only day like this in the history of America. May equality live long and prosper."

All this homo wedding shit is almost putting me in the mood, but I'm too much of a dumb slut to be legally promised to someone. I believe the only reason to marry a bitch is if they have more money than you. If they don't, what's the point?! I know, call me old-fashioned.

And "DAMN" at George being 71. Pepaw looks hot. There must be some anti-aging supplements in George's sperm, because his man's skin is almost perfect. George should bottle that shit. SuluJizz Cream!

Joel Madden posted a blog on his website with the title: WE DID IT!! NICOLE AND I FINALLY GOT MARRIED!! click here for the pictures!!

When you clicked on the post, you got this gorgeous picture above. I instantly knew it was fake because Nicole Richie and Joel are nowhere near as stunning or glamorous as these two bitches above.

Joel wrote the post in response to Star Magazine's claim that the two were throwing a $2 million wedding. Joel said he's been getting messages and texts from friends and family about this so-called affair. He went on to say, "Sooooo if you were pissed at me for not inviting you or even telling you, dont blame me, theres nothing to worry about. Its just star magazine. How long do you think it will be before they write we called it off, or we broke up? i give them a week or two......"

When these two lovetwats finally decide to attach the ball and chain to each other, they should wear gorilla suits like in the picture. It would make for much more attractive wedding pictures.

Shit, now I have to return the 5-foot tall lucite butterfly statute I bought for Mimi and Nick. The two have called off their second wedding which was supposed to take place in NYC sometime this month. Their first wedding in the Bahamas just wasn't enough for Mimi. The second wedding was going to be a multi-million-dollar crystal unicorn extravaganza fit for an 8-year-old!

Mimi reportedly couldn't find a magazine that was interested in spending millions for the exclusive photos of her cotton candy bukkake fiesta. A told MSNBC's The Scoop, “Mariah was willing to pay for the wedding, but the way she hoped to pay for the wedding was through the sale of photos. No one was interested."

Did the bitch try Hello Kitty Magazine?! They would have paid for the entire affair and also given her a custom-made wedding dress made of out of hundreds of stuffed Hello Kitties. Hello Kitty herself could have officiated the ceremony! Ugh. She can hit them up for her next marriage.

I'm totally being generous by giving them 6 months, but by the looks of Brooke Mueller it could take her a few to figure out what's really going on. As expected, Charlie Sheen and his prostitute tranny infested sperm married real estate investor Brooke Mueller last night in Los Angeles. Real estate investor? Jeff Lewis from "Flipping Out" she's not! By the by, I'm so fucking excited about Flipping Out coming back. My soul has been empty without Zoila.

Charlie, 42, and Brooke, 30, exchanged lies in front of like 60 dumb bitches who probably laughed the entire time. Well, Charlie saying "I promise to be loyal" is like hearing a hilarious punchline. It is a punchline!

The two became engaged last June in Costa Rica. Probably minutes after Charlie's sperm was infested by another prostitute tranny. Speaking of, it's rumored that Brooke is knocked up with their prostitute tranny baby. I can't what to hear what Denise Richards has to say about this.

Unfortunately, robot call girl did not crash the wedding with her shitty pigs in tow.

Charlie Sheen will marry Brooke Mueller tonight and.....they might be expecting a baby. Hell yes! Call girl robot aka Denise Richards better be putting on a hot leather catsuit, ready to pounce on that wedding and destroy all in her path.

A source told Rush & Molly that Denise knows the wedding is tonight, because her girls are in. She hasn't been told the exact location, "Who knows? She may even crash the event with a camera crew." A bitch can dream! Denise better crash this shit if she knows what's good for her and her boring ass reality show. She needs a major season finale cliffhanger!

If Brooke is pregnant, does this mean she's going to give birth to a prostitute tranny? I mean, Denise Richards did say that Charlie had "prostitute tranny infested sperm" and I sort of believe her. The world could use a few more prostitute trannies, so I'm ok with this.

I read this story about Harry Ford and Calista Flockhart getting engaged and it said he was 65. That old ass pepaw is only 65?! I'm not joking. I seriously thought the pepaw was at least 85. At least. Wasn't he like 40 when he did the Star Wars movie?s And Calista is only 43! Damn, these two whores are sucking out each other's youth. Let's hope they never have babies because Calista will give birth to a 30-year-old. You know Harry has some aged sperm.

Anyway, Harry and Calista are reportedly engaged. Sources say he popped the question on April Fool's Day. Never trust a bitch that will ask you to marry him on April Fool's Day. She should have that ring checked out STAT. It's probably made from recycled coke bottles.

The source said the couple of 5-years plan to get married this summer. This will be Harry's third marriage and Calista's first. I hope they dress up his walker with pretty flowers and shit. There's no way he's going to be able to stand at the alter without some help.

Source

New York Governor David Paterson has instructed all state agencies to start revising their policies and shit to recognize gay marriages performed in other places like California, Canada and Massachusetts. This bring New York one step closer to actually legalizing homo marriage.

The New York Times reports:

The revisions are most likely to involve as many as 1,300 statutes and regulations in New York governing everything from joint filing of income tax returns to transferring fishing licenses between spouses.

In a videotaped message given to gay community leaders at a dinner on May 17, Mr. Paterson described the move as “a strong step toward marriage equality.” And people on both sides of the issue said it moved the state closer to fully legalizing same-sex unions in this state.

“Very shortly, there will be hundreds and hundreds and hundreds, and probably thousands and thousands and thousands of gay people who have their marriages recognized by the state,” said Assemblyman Daniel O’Donnell, a Democrat who represents the Upper West Side and has pushed for legalization of gay unions.

Hell yes! I'm totally going to marry George Clooney now. He doesn't know it yet. I need to show that dumb bitch Sarah Larson how the real gold digging whores do it! I'm going to get married in CA, come back to NY, play house for a couple of days, transfer funds, break his heart, get that shit annulled and then retire to Bali!

Damn Cash Warren! He got MiserAlba on one of her off days when she was actually in a good mood. Cash somehow got MiserAlba to marry his sorry ass yesterday. MiserAlba's spokesbitch confirms the wedding to People.

MiserAlba, 27, is currently expecting a baby girl with Cash, 31, this summer. The two met while filming "Fantastic Four." They broke up for a short time and it was rumored that he cheated on her. Shortly after they got back together, she got knocked up.

I can't wait till to see the wedding pictures! MiserAlba better have a frown on her face in at least one of the pictures! Cash will be smiling in every single shot, because he's just won the lottery.....TWICE!