Weddings

While surrounded by a pack of slobbering pussies aching to get a giant piece of juicy meat into their mouth holes, Katy Perry and Russell Brand became husband and wife in a traditional Indian ceremony at the Ranthambhore tiger sanctuary in Rajasthan today. It was very traditional except for the little fact that they both aren't fucking Hindu! I'm joking. I'm sure they watched Eat Pray Love all the way through at least once and that counts. No, I think I read somewhere that Russell thanks the Hare Krishna movement for getting the bad shit off his crave list. Or something.

A rep for Katy or Russell haven't confirmed the wedding yet, but the Associated Press has it on good authority that the two slipped a ball and chain on each other's ankles in front of 80 guests including RiRi, David Walliams, David Baddiel and Jonathan Ross. AP says that both Katy and Russell wore traditional Indian wedding clothes as did several of their guests. Apparently, Russell Brand's wedding procession featured 21 camels, elephants and horses.

Congratulations to Katy and Russell! And condolences to the free clinic and the makers of the morning-after pill, because they are really going to lose business now that one of the world's biggest self-proclaimed man whores is off the stroll for good.

And here's a few amazingly interesting pictures of Russell and a tiger getting ready for his wedding day.

UPDATE: Confirmed. Russell and Katy sealed it with a statement: "Russell Brand and Katy Perry were pronounced Mr. and Mrs. Brand on Saturday, October 23. The very private and spiritual ceremony, attended by the couples' closest family and friends was performed by a Christian minister and longtime friend of the Hudson Family. The backdrop was the inspirational and majestic countryside of Northern India."

The details from The Mirror on Kate Moss' secret August 7th wedding to her longtime line cutter Count Von Count are kind of hilarious. My guess is that Kate Moss is their "source" and she got so high on pink champagne bubbles that she passed out onto the cheese fondue fountain and woke up in an empty bath tub the next morning not remembering a damn thing. So she watched A Midsummer Night's Dream, cut her shit with Pixy Stix and then called up The Mirror and used a foreign accent to give them all the details of "Kate Moss' summer wedding to Jamie Hince." And here they are:

The couple, who met in September 2007, chose to wed in a small, picturesque church on the Mediterranean island of Sicily, away from all prying eyes.

With only their closest friends in attendance, and Mossy’s daughter Lila Grace acting as one of three ring bearers, the whole day was relaxed, simple and, for Kate and Jamie, perfect.

“They planned the day for weeks and were so excited. Kate didn’t want a stuffy, formal do, but something spiritual.

“Minutes after tying the knot, the giggling newlyweds were outside the church, dancing under trees.”

Adds the source: “Afterwards locals from the village were milling about, joining in the festivities. It was an incredibly happy day.”

See what I mean. Dancing under the trees?! Who do they think they are? Sookeh in the fairy land? Gay hippies on the right kind of shrooms? Me if the tree's branches were covered with sparkly dildos? There were definitely ecstasy pills in their canapes, or the "source" was eating ecstasy canapes before calling up The Mirror.

With all that being said, YAY for Kate and the man who has promised to hold her hair while she barfs last night's party in the toilet for the rest of his life. And condolences to Dreamboat Doherty who is doing the crackie cry somewhere:

Should've been you, Dreamy! Should've been you!

UPDATE: Will somebody throw an empty bottle at Dreamy's head, because he can stop bawling now. Kate Moss' agent has taken this story, chopped it up, sprinkled it onto a metal spoon and smoked it up! Apparently, the wedding never happened and Kate Moss is not Mrs. Count Von Count.

Oh, I see how you're going to play this, Ross! I see how you're going to bop your TV sister's busted marriage on the head in the life game of Whac-A-Mole. So yeah, 43-year-old David Schwimmer exchanged vows and shit with 25-year-old British photographer Zoe Buckman all the way back in June, but his rep is just getting around to confirming it to Entertainment Weekly.

My guess is that David's rep sent out the "Yay, They're Married, Blah Blah Blah" press release back in June, but the cyber pigeon took a wrong turn, got lost and was forced to nibble on some cyber rice for nourishment. As soon as its claw touched Entertainment Weekly's inbox, it exploded into a million pieces. EW's team of interns spent weeks piecing together the message and they just finished today. The same day that Courtney Cox announced that her marriage is lying on the table with an IV in its ass. TOTAL COINCIDENCE!

David Schwimmer isn't driving in his happy marriage wagon with his child bride at his side and laughing as they cross the bridge over the marsh where Courtney Cox's marriage is about to be devoured a pack of alligators. No, not at all!

But Courtney will be the one laughing in a few months when the divorce force strikes David! Well, they don't call him Ross, The Divorce Force for nothing.

Before we get started, let me just say that we should all want to look like the beauty all the way to left when we enter the Matlock age of our lives.

So, while Tommy Girl's Scientohole was uniting with a Marvin the Martian butt plug down in his dungeon, his Top Gun co-star was engaging in a much more touching and important ceremony. Kelly McGillis and her partner of 10 years Melanie Leis were joined in a civil union in Collingswood, NJ on Wednesday afternoon.

Kelly and Melanie first met over 10 years ago at a restaurant Kelly co-owned with her second husband at the time. Melanie was an employee there. Kelly and Melanie instantly knew they were meant for each other when "Take My Breath Away" played on the restaurant's boombox, the white sheer curtains gently blew in the breeze and everything suddenly turned to blue. Or something like that.

Since it's a special time for these two, I will refrain from giving a sermon about the second coming of Bert currently playing above Melanie's eyes. I will put my tweezers away and save it for another day.

via People

Pop the sparkling True Blood (or just add a drop of soda water to your Sunday Bloody Mary), because Sooookeh and Beeeeeeehl Compton went and got married! To each other! That means your religious grandma doesn't have to hide her eyes with a bible when Sookeh and Beehl hump the crotch patches off each other in True Blood, because they married now. Yay! We can all enjoy Sookeh and Beehl's bloody fuck scenes together now!

UsWeekly says that Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer became husband and wife last night at a private house in Malibu in front of friends and family including Elijah Wood, Denis O'Hare, Alan Ball, Carrie Preston and her husband Ben Linus from Lost. Yes, this confirms that Ben Linus is EVERYWHERE. You're not just seeing things.

This is the first marriage (I think) for both Anna and Stephen. Stephen has two chirruns from two previous relationships.

There aren't many details on Sookeh and Beehl's wedding, but the only thing I want to know is if Lafayette was the flower gay and gave shade down the aisle while throwing deep fried onion blossoms from Merlotte's as Tara's mom and Randi Sue hummed the wedding song.

Oh and somebody should let People Magazine know that when they buy the TOTALLY EXCLUSIVE pictures from Sookeh and Beehl's wedding, they should just use a half-naked picture of ASkars as their cover. That's all anybody (aka probably just me) wants to see anyways. They can have him cover up his downtown Swedish dreamland with a ring bearer's pillow to give it that wedding feel.

UPDATE: Here's some crystal clear pictures of Stephen Moyer and some of his guests running into the ocean after he got married. And are the two chicks in the band doing the robot? This wedding....

22-year-old Hilary Duff got married to 29-year-old Canadian hock player Mike Comrie in Santa Barbara, CA last night. The best part of this news is that the juicy man titty in the picture above served as the ring bearer's pillow. Yes, that succulent chichi is available for all weddings and parties, so check your local yellow pages and book that nipple.

OK! Magazine reports that Hilary looked absolutely radiant in her Vera Wang gown as she rode up in a Haylie Duff-drawn carriage. Hilary and Mike promised to love each other until "irreconcilable differences" does them part in front of their friends and family.

At the reception, Hilary and Mike shared their first dance together as a slide show of their most tender moments played on a giant screen in the background. The tent was filled with a massive chorus of "AWWWWWs" when this picture from their engagement popped up on the screen:

Actually, I think that picture was the cover for their wedding invitation.

Here's a few completely crystal clear and interesting photos from their wedding taken by a pigeon who barely learned how to operate a disposable camera a few days ago. It's like we're sitting in the front row!

Saunas and bath houses all over London and Los Angeles popped the champagne lube last night to celebrate Robbie Williams' marrying his girlfriend of 4 years actress Ayda Field. As Robbie kissed his new wife in front of 75 guests in the backyard of his Beverly Hills mansion, his friends at the sauna threw in an extra stroke in honor of him! And while Robbie's guests blew bubbles at him and his new bride, his friends at the sauna blew.... Okay, you know I'm leading you straight to the gutter with that one, so I won't paint it out for you. But if I did paint it out for you I'd probably use... Okay, I'm stopping!

The Sun reports that Claire Danes, Hugh Dancy, Cameron Diaz, Joely Richardson and Rachel Hunter were among the guests who watched the former manwhore of Britain slip on a wedding ring. Sadly, Robbie's Take That groupmates weren't there to perform during cocktail hour on a lucite stage over the pool. They couldn't make it for whatever reason.

Robbie and Ayda are expected to do newlywed shit in Mexico for the next two weeks.

There's a bunch of pictures of guests at Robbie's wedding, but this is really the only one you need to see. NOW THIS IS A WEDDING GUEST:

When the waiter asked this lady of elegance if she wanted the beef or fish, she probably put her hand up and answered, "I'll have the vodka. Hold the ice, hold the glass and just bring the bottle." And when the priest asked if anybody objects to this union, she probably mumbled to herself, "Half of West Hollywood, honey." I love her.

Seriously though, congrats to Robbie and Ayda! Not because they got married, but because they were in the presence of this stunning creature for most of last night!

A shot rang out in Corsica yesterday! No, it wasn't an intentional act of symbolism. It was the sound Mashonda's inflatiable boat made when it popped right after she arrived on shore to crash the wedding. Mashonda was too late, because Alicia Keys did indeed marry Gonzo Swizz Beatz on the French Island of Corsica last night. E! Online says that Bono and Queen Latifah watched as Swiss Beatz promised to love and honor the woman he's probably going to cheat on in a couple of months.

This is Swizz Beatz' second time wrapping a wedding ring around his finger and it's Alicia's first. The two are going to be parents to a brand new baby later this year.

Miss JIA already has some pretty hilarious pictures of their wedding. Swizz is dressed up like a busser/piano player at a lounge in Reno circa 1978. And the side-eye that little boy is throwing at Alicia's rhinestone headband has made my everything. Who does Alicia think she is? Empress Moon Child?

I'm taking a quick second from slurping up my pre-dinner snack of ice cream soup and a cup of vodka with a splash of tap water to bring you the news that Chelsea Clinton, the curly haired girl we watched grow up and master the art of the blow out, married Marc Mezvinsky in Rhinebeck, NY today.

Chelsea and Marc said all that I do shit in front of 400 people including Ted Danson, Mary Steenburgen and Madeline Albright. Bill and Hillary Clinton put down their plastic champagne flutes, crawled on top of the bridal party table and yelled this at everyone:

"Today, we watched with great pride and overwhelming emotion as Chelsea and Marc wed in a beautiful ceremony at Astor Courts, surrounded by family and their close friends. We could not have asked for a more perfect day to celebrate the beginning of their life together, and we are so happy to welcome Marc into our family. On behalf of the newlyweds, we want to give special thanks to the people of Rhinebeck for welcoming us and to everyone for their well-wishes on this special day."

How can they say all those words and NOT mention how many bridesmaids Bill humped on in the fancy ass Port-A-Potties. Seriously, those Port-A-Potties were meant to do ho shit in. Oh well, the night is still young.

Congrats to Chelsea and Marc! If I was in the area, I'd dress up like Helen Thomas and crash that party, because you know they have some good shit. Not like the generic brand rubbing alcohol I'm sipping on right now.

Here's a few pictures of the locals celebrating Chelsea's blessed day by dressing up as furries and sitting on lawn chairs while holding homemade signs.

UPDATE: I've added a few more pics from the wedding. Chelsea wore a dress she bought from the 50% off rack at Bridal Warehouse. NO! She wore Vera Wang.

Sorry, Chelsea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky, the Wedding of the Year has already taken place so I guess you have to settle for the title of Wedding of the Evening Between the Hours of 6 and 8. UsWeekly reports that T.I. and the mother of his two children Tameka "Tiny" Cottle made it legal at a Miami Beach courthouse yesterday after almost 10 years together. The bride wore a "FUCKING FINALLY" face and the groom wore a pair of beer goggle eyeballs (as always).

Tiny and T.I.'s wedding tour will continue today on a small island off the coast of Miami. They will exchange vows in front of their friends and family. Then everyone will get on a plane and fly to Atlanta for another wedding reception. And if Tiny doesn't pass out in her trough by then, the plan is to fly to Las Vegas later tonight for a third reception with their friends.

Somebody lock down the lily pond, because the last thing T.I. needs is for Kermit the Frog to crash one of the wedding receptions to steal his bride.

And hopefully, the orchestra at one of their ten million receptions plays this when Tiny strolls into the room: