Anna Nicole Smith
Almost 20 years after Anna Nicole Smith was a Guess girl, her 6-year-old daughter with Larry Birkhead, Dannielynn Birkhead, is starring in a campaign for Guess Kids. There are two things I can't believe: 1) Dannielynn is six years old and; 2) I'm writing about Guess Jeans. It seems like it was just yesterday when I was begging my mother to buy me Guess acid wash jeans with a matching jacket. One of her co-workers told her there was a Guess store in Tijuana that sold everything for 50% off and so she dragged me one there one weekend. That shit wasn't Guess label. It was more like GuessWhosGettingTrickedByThisKnockOff label....but I still bought acid wash jeans there.
The NYDN says that Dannielynn's ads will be all over buses and billboards starting in January. Larry Birkhead says that Guess came to them first and that Dannielynn is really excited about modeling for the same label as her mom. Larry also said that he's not enrolling in Pimp Mama Kris' School Of Whoring anytime soon, because this is going to be Dannielynn's only modeling gig for now:
"People have said she's already stepping into her mom's shoes, and that's very broad. I want to be clear this was just a tribute. She's still a kid at heart, and she's going to stay that way as long as possible. It's really a tribute to her mom more than anything. She's not going to be a model.
Her mom's history with Guess was very positive. The ads were iconic and timeless. She asked me if she was going to be on the shopping bags like her mom. She was really excited about it. She had great time on the shoot. It was really just a day at the beach, playing in the sand."
I just hope Larry is telling the truth and we won't see Dannielynn as the new face of Trimspa for Kids.
I'm not sure how to feel about this. Dannielynn being in the spotlight is kind of weird, but somebody has to model those clothes and since Honey Boo Boo Chile already has an exclusive contract as the face of Piggy Wiggly's children's clothing line, it might as well be Dannielynn.
And these ads would've been so much better if Sugar Pie was in them.
Anna Nicole, the opera based on the rise and fall of TrimSpa Baby, opened at the Royal Opera House of London last night and it's getting mixed reviews. Some are calling it a "weirdly inspired work" while others are saying it's "overwhelmed by incident, and made the more congested by an over-rich libretto." But I'm calling it a work of COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! The first few lyrics Anna Nicole hollers out in the clip above are the exact same ones I've been yodeling out at every bar I go to for years! And I'm also calling this work incomplete if it doesn't include arias sung by Sugar Pie, Kimmie, Bobby Trendy and Cousin Shelly.
via L.A. Times
And you're all probably making the same "not this shit again" face as old girl in the back after reading Howard K. Stern's name. Three years after Anna Nicole Smith went off to heaven where every angel is a sugar daddy, her former life stalker and bad shit supplier Howard K. Stern was found guilty of two counts of conspiracy for delivering pills to her on a silver platter even though he knew she was an addict. The jury did acquit his ass of 7 other felony charges.
One of Anna Nicole's doctors, Khristine Eroshevich was also convicted of four charges, but her other doctor Sandeep Kapoor got a not guilty stamped on all of his charges and he's free to go.
The D.A. says that Howard K. and Khristine both face up to 3 years of scrubbing their assholes with government soap in prison. But a legal expert type tells E! Online that there's no way Howard K. Stern will face the booty bandits in prison. They say he will get probation since he's got a clean record. Sentencing has been scheduled for January 6th.
And in the dusty community center of a mobile home park somewhere, Cousin Shelly, Sugar Pie and Kimmie are all toasting to this news with Dixie cups filled with Cisco and Hill Country soda! Happy America (copyright: Mama Lynn)!
The planet shifted off its axis again this afternoon, because Howard K. Stern, Dannilynn Hope, Cousin Shelly, Sugar Pie and Larry Birkhead all fell out of their chairs simultaneously after a court ruled that Anna Nicole Smith's estate won't get a penny from her late billionaire husband's fortune.
At the time of her death, Anna Nicole was battling J. Howard Marshall's family over the $300 million she claims he promised her before he passed. A lawyer for Anna's estate said he will appeal this latest decision and take this mess back to the Supreme Court.
That means Anna Nicole licked on J. Howard Marshall's curdled pepaw chowder and rubbed her bits on his moth balls for NOTHING! FOR NOTHING! Oh well. Dannilynn will still be fine. Bobby Trendy will take her under his sequined wing and teach her how to make a fortune super-gluing boas to pillows from the Z Gallerie outlet.
After Anna Nicole Smith's sugar pepaw, J. Howard Marshall II, passed away, his son tried to keep millions of dollars out of her checking account. Anna and J. Howard's son, E. Pierce Marshall, went to battle for a big piece of his multi-million dollar fortune. But would Anna actually try to knock E. Pierce off so that she could have all the money to herself?! A gold digger's gotta do.....
According to newly released FBI documents, authorities had reason to believe that Anna Nicole was involved in a plot to murder E. Pierce Marshall.
The Associated Press says that they investigated the murder-for-hire-plot in 2000 and 2001. When the FBI confronted Anna, she immediately broke down in tears and denied being involved. One of the agents wrote, "Smith adamantly denied ever contemplating such a crime." As part of their investigation, they confiscated a Wesson revolver, a knife and a Dr. Seuss hat from Anna's home. The FBI didn't explain why they took that stuff. All three items were returned to Anna seven months later.
In 2001, the FBI decided there was not enough information to go ahead with the investigation, so they closed the case and determined that Anna was not a mastermind murderess after all.
E. Pierce Marhsall died 3 years ago from natural causes.
Anna Nicole could never hurt a flea on a fluffy white dog's ass, so I doubt she tried to kill her sponsor's son. Besides, if Anna wanted to murder someone, she wouldn't use a knife or a Dr. Seuss hat. She'd simply send them nekkid pictures of Bobby Trendy.
As expected, Howard K (is for Kreepy) Stern put his slimy claws into handcuffs and was arrested for "conspiring to furnish drugs" to Anna Nicole Smith. And here's his glamour shot!
Last night I said that Howard K's pictures always make me feel like I've just been molested, but this shit goes beyond that. That picture handed me a little dolly, took me to the corner and made me drink a funny-tasting milkshake while stroking my hair. That is a face only a back alley pharmacist could love.
Don't color me surprised, because I'm not, but this is still some shit out of left field (and from 2 years ago). Creepy McCreepster aka Howard K. Stern is expected to turn himself into custody tonight after being charged with making a pill popper even pill poppier (yes, I made up that word). Howard K and two doctors have been accused of conspiring to provide prescription pills to Anna Nicole Smith from 2004 to 2007 even though they knew she was straight-up addicted.
In case you smoked away the memory cells which contain shit from '07, Anna died from an accidental overdose on February 8, 2007 in Hollywood, FL.
Specifically, Howard K, Dr. Sandeep Kapoor and Khristine Eroshevich were charged with 8 felonies. The charges include "unlawfully prescribing a controlled substance," "obtaining a prescription by fraud, deceit or misrepresentation" and "prescribing, administering or dispensing a controlled substance to an addict."
TMZ says each whore's bail has been set at $20,000. Dr. Sandeep is already in custody in Whittier, CA. Oh shit. Maybe OctoMommy can drive down there and entertain his ass with a belly dance. And by "entertain," I mean torture.
You know, I didn't know a ho could be charged with giving a bitch too many drugs? My weedman better not eff with me or the party is over. But seriously, Howard K. Stern should go to prison for just being a fucking creepy skeezer. I feel molested in a wrong way every time I look at his pictures. Bitch better be liberal with the Crisco on his asshole, because it's going to be a long night.
And somewhere in the world, Sugar Pie, Cousin Shelly and Kimmie are celebrating with a round of Night Train. Speaking of Cousin Shelly, let's witness her methness again in this WTF clip from a few years ago.
Okay, after watching that, the L.A. County District Attorney's Office need to also charge Howard K. Stern with whatever he did to this bitch at that time!
When Dannielynn Hope gets a little older, she doesn't have to worry about buying lingerie, because her daddy just bought her a bunch! A bunch of lingerie that belonged to her dead mother. Larry spent $3,000 of Danni's money on some lingerie worn by Anna Nicole Smith during a Playboy shoot.
Larry told AP that he bought the lingerie for his 1-year-old daughter to remember her mother by, "I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about. Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career."
"You know, it's not something I can show today, but something down the road. It's not going to be in any anytime soon."
You know Larry bought that shit for himself and is blaming it on the poor kid! It matched with his frosted hair. Danni doesn't need lingerie to remember her mother by! She has Sugar Pie and Kimmy. Wait...Sugar Pie is still alive, right? Right?!
Emma Watson has good timing. The girl left her 18-year-old Birthday party, slid into the car and flashed a little LEGAL chocha. The girl was wearing panties, but they were see-through. The girl is a millionaire! She could afford to wax that shit. Well, unless Hairy Potter likes it hairy?
Kids grow up so fast these days. One minute they are playing with legos and the next minute, they are flashing their hoohas for the world to see.
I really wasn't "anticipating" this motion picture until I saw the trailer. Now I fucking can't wait. Here's the trailer for the "Anna Nicole" movie starring Willa Ford. When this movie goes straight to Starz (which it will) make sure you watch it at 3am after a night of drunken debauchery with a bag of cheese popcorn. This movie was made for 3am viewing.