What A Fucking Lady

The Stodden family now has a touching mother/daughter portrait to go with the illegal father/daughter portrait that made me want to scream for an adult.

Looking like an ethereal angel (or like the dusty ghost of whores' past), Courtney Stodden posed with her mom Krista Stodden at the after-party for the Shekhar Rahate Haute Couture fashion show in L.A. last night. There's nothing like bonding with the pimp mom who sold you to Tooms from The X-Files. Has Krista Stodden, Brit Brit's mom Lynn and Jessica Simpson's mom Tina ever been in the same room together, because I'm pretty sure they're all the same person. They all love whoring out their blonde daughters, they all have brown JCPenney hair salon manes and they all look like they burn the shit out of their credit cards at White House Black Market. Krista Lynn Tina is totally one person.

But who cares about that, let's all take in the exquisiteness that the porn iguana served up last night. I don't know what's the most elegant thing about this look: the two bump-its shoved into her weave, the fact that she matched her lipstick to her chonies or those exquisitely crafted cork stripper shoes?

The answer is: all of the above!

The albino Elvira look IS the look.

If you just spent a few hours watching beige paint dry on a beige wall and need to bring yourself down from the excitement, watch the uncircumcised video (click here for the circumcised version) for RiRi and Mikky Ekko's single "Stay." It's just RiRi sitting in a tub, lying in a tub, sitting in a tub, lying in a tub and sitting in a tub some more. It's some "Calgon, put me to sleep" shit. We're supposed to think that RiRi is bringing the raw emotion, but the only thi ng I can think about is how many times she peed and farted in the water (they took the fart bubbles out in post-production). So if you really want to watch RiRi sit in a tub of water, watch the video above.

Or instead, you can tell that video to eff off and watch two genteel ladies bond outside of the W Hotel in Hollywood last night:

Usually, in battles between a blonde beauty and a dark-haired beauty, I'm all for the dark-haired beauty (see: Alexis in Dynasty, Brenda in 90210, Cristal in Showgirls, Bianca in Beverly Hills Teens, Catra in She-Ra, etc....), but for some reason I'm really into Sarah.

via E! News and WOW Report

Katie Price once again redefined the definition of bridal elegance on Wednesday when she slipped a nip and gave everyone a thigh show after she made part-time stripper Kieran Hayler (or as earth angel Harvey Price probably calls him, "Fuck OFF!") her third husband in the Bahamas. When Katie married Harvey Price's first stepfather Peter Andre, she looked like a pink Barbie cake violently diarrhea'd all over her.  When Katie married Harvey's second stepfather, cross-dressing cage fighter Roxy Baby, she did quickie-style in a Las Vegas wedding chapel. And for her third wedding, Katie got married at Sandals in the Bahamas and wore a classic stripper gown while her future ex-husband wore a sensible mother of the bride blouse. The Sun has the pictures and you should brace yourself for the demure classiness that will hit you after you click over.

Katie and part-time stripper Keiran Hayler have been together for about nine seconds and she tells The Sun that she knew he was destined to be her third husband, because a psychic told her that she would marry a man named KEVIN. "Keiran" is practically Irish for "Kevin" and Katie cares about the sanctity of marriage as much as she cares about having dignity, so she figured why not!

“I saw a medium who told me I’d already met the person I was going to marry. She also said his name was Kevin. Well, Kieran has been after me for a year, ever since we were first introduced by our mutual friend Phil Turner — husband of my make-up artist Gary Cockerill (Note: I wish my last name was Cockerill). Apparently, he’d been asking for my mobile number for ages. And his name is also close to Kevin, so it all became clear. I took a friend with me who made notes during the session with the medium because I wanted to make sure I’d heard everything accurately. Yes, I’m following my heart — but I’m not harming anyone. All I can say is there is no Pricey rulebook. If I feel something is right, I’ll do it, even if it comes out of the blue.”

Katie also said that this is ONLY her third marriage, so get off her ass.

“This is only my third marriage. I did my own Pricey Marriage Survey and discovered I was in good company. Joan Collins has been married five times, Liz Taylor did eight and Zsa Zsa Gabor nine. So there! I get stick, but no one has picked on them for all the marriages they’ve had.”

I've always said that a couple that waxes their assholes together, stays together, but I have a feeling that just like a newborn pube sprouting out of Kieran's crotch follicle, Katie's wedding ring will be plucked off and thrown into the trash in about ten minutes.

Harvey Price wasn't at the wedding and I'm not mad at Katie for that. Harvey probably had better things to do like ANYTHING other than going to this wedding. Besides, once you've rolled your eyes at one Katie Price wedding, you've rolled your eyes at every Katie Price wedding.

I see you in the background, throwing ice cold looks of potent jealousy, Sarah Palin!

Fresh off from giving the performance of her life in the middle of a public parking lot in Miami Beach, FL, Paz de la Huerta, the goddess that is more pure than an angel's asshole, sashayed through LAX yesterday while wearing a regular ole' traveling ensemble. I know that when you travel, you too dress like a magician's assistant in a Christmas-themed magic show who had to grab her leather jacket in the dressing room and go on the run after she spotted mobsters she stole money from in the audience. You should always look like you're on the run from mobsters.

I'm thankful that Spaz keeps sharing her glamour with the public as much as possible, because everyone should know that all you need to look like a modern-day Aphrodite is a giant, greasy tub of Don't Give A Fuck. Spanx are out, bloat is in! Bronzer is out, lube face is in!

Here's the modern goddess of class Paz de la Huerta displaying every ingredient needed to create a perfect portrait of refined grace. Half a dozen people in Miami now know what it was like watching Michelangelo paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. They watched the greatest living performance artist create her latest masterpiece in a public parking lot in Miami Beach, FL. While not letting go of her cigarette, Spaz changed out of her bikini and into a black bra and a skirt. Minutes before this, Spaz used a public bathroom, so she could've changed in there, but decided to give the people some much-needed culture instead.

Everything about this is perfect from Spaz's freshly fucked hair to the rosary around her neck to the lit cigarette dangling from her hand to the birth control patch on her butt cheek to the way her ass looks like a weathered plaster sculpture from the 18th century. Spaz looks like she just crawled out of a trash can on the beach after spending the night in there. What I'm saying is that Spaz has never looked more gorgeous.

If you need to know what the nipples on a freshly bloomed bloated flower look like, hold your breath and then (NSFW) click here and here. Miami Beach can go ahead and cancel Art Basel, because no work of art can top this.

While some Americans continued to fight with each other on Facebook over this election shit and others earned a date with the FBI by threatening to Lee Harvey Oswald the president, across the pond, the exquisite angel maker (I mean, she did produce earth angel Harvey Price) that is Katie Price united the people of Britain by plumping up her angelic camel toe before putting it on display at the launch of her new lingerie line in London.

Looking like the Frederick's outlet version of Emma Frost, the tarnished rhinestone formerly known as Jordan showed off her new collection of lingerie that's perfect for a third tier stripper who only has a few cum-stained dollars to spend on her work clothes and wants it to show. Katie delivered a journey of elegance that started with the tiara that looks like it was made with balls of aluminum foil and glass from a broken Zima bottle. Then she led us to her chichis which look like two oversized dinosaur eggs shoved into a nest made by a drag queen. And finally, she took us to the garter belt tattoo that is so classy and demure that Queen Elizabeth got the same one on her thigh.

Katie Price usually looks like a plastic duck on the wrong kind of testosterone boosters, but today she looked like the most delicate swan on the lake. I'm sure this is the exact image Tchaikovsky had in his head when he wrote Swan Lake.

The sole reason for why I'm moving back to Los Angeles put the taste of strawberry Pop Rocks and half-melted watermelon Jolly Ranchers in mouths of those lucky to be around her when she spread her legs and poured out the glamour for an EXCLUSIVE cover photo shoot that I'm assuming is for French Vogue (or Harper's Bazaar Fraggle Rock, or a special edition of the Pennysaver marketed only to raver Gremlins, or for a billboard that will be seen on the highway to Heaven). Angelyne really is an expert multi-tasker and serious business woman, because when she wasn't posting her exquisitely drawn brows off in the parking lot of a Coffee Bean, she sold autographed t-shirts from the trunk of her Corvette to her loyal fan.

The paps also managed to capture the magical and enchanting moment when Lil' Miss Magic Hair's grandma gave us an accidental crotch shot, and no, she's not wearing pantyhose. Angelyne just naturally has the crotch of a pantyhose doll. Oh, and you can't tell from these pictures, but both Courtney Stodden and Shauna Sand were off camera worshiping at the sight of the foremother of exquisite glamour.

Granny porn alert! At around the 2:50 mark in the video above, Madge flashes Baby Brahim's pacifier of choice at the audience while performing "Human Nature" in Istanbul last Thursday night. Leave it to Madge to show all of us that you're never too damn old to give your subjects some titty. I know that most of us have seen Madge's nipple more times than we've seen our own, but it was either this or post censored pictures of Snooki's naked and shaven Ewok body. I'm not trying to get busted for posting bestiality porn, so I think I made the right choice.

And since YouTube is prejudiced against lady nipples, the video might get taken down. If it does, (NSFW) click here some of Madge's peek-a-titty action.

(Thanks to Tim & Nyn for sending this in)

What ho hasn't drunkenly pissed in the dirt on the side of the highway as flat bed trucks go driving by and who hasn't squatted over a bar bathroom sink when the line for the regular toilet is too long? Every ho has! But of course, Garbage Pail Skank Ke$hit thinks she's the first trick to do it and bragged about it to her Twatter followers (via UsWeekly) by sharing this picture with them. I know, she's SO hardcore. I'd be more surprised if Ke$ha Tweeted a picture of herself using actual unused toilet paper to wipe. Ke$ha also added this note to the picture, which confirms that when she's not making musical herpes, she's writing spam e-mails:

pee pee on the street. PoPo come n get me if u can find meeee. I blame traffik.

PoPo? More like the health department. Think of all dogs who now have VD warts on their noses from sniffing on Ke$ha's piss puddle (Yes, her coochie warts are so potent they can infect airborne). No, but seriously, if Ke$ha wasn't a dumb a$$, she wouldn't have given this picture out for free. Kim Kardashian made millions of dollars thanks to piss and Ke$ha ain't got shit to show for it except pee stains in her chonies. Either keep it to yourself or #getmoneybitch.

And where was the Deputy Sheriff of PAPP (Pepaws Against Public Pissing) when we needed him most?

America isn't about to let the UK show us up as the demure gypsy flower capital of the world and so the makers of the show where Kate Middleton gets all her style inspiration from, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, are bringing us My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, which will start airing on TLC a week from Sunday. By the looks of this clip from TMZ, we will all overdose on elegance while watching the first episode. This shit is so high brow that I really feel like Sir Laurence Olivier should be narrating it. I mean, you will want to put on your best before hitting play. You're in the presence of refined company.

In the clip shot at a wedding in West Virginia last November, the precious jewel (No, she really is a precious jewel. Her name is Diamond.) wearing a couture dress from Hefty's Botticelli collection is looking to get into it with Mellie, the graceful gazelle wearing an exquisite ensemble she bought with nothing but sticky ones. Diamond (more like a CZ, no, more like a ball of foil) is the maid of honor and doesn't appreciate that Mellie, one of the groom's relatives, is talking shit about the wedding. Mellie sashays out of the church and the two handle their differences the way all fine ladies handle their differences: they get into a nipple-baring, pussy-flashing sidewalk fight. Just when you think that the rubenesque blossom is about to slap Mellie into dust, there's a surprising twist!

Alistair Cooke is up in heaven kicking himself for dying 8 years too soon, because presenting this clip on Masterpiece Theater would've been the highlight of his career.