Porn

Even cartoon fruits gotta get their fuck on, but a man in England isn't happy that they are doing it out in public and on the front of a candy wrapper. Simon Simpkins is madder than fish grease over the porny images on the wrappers for Maoam candies.

The wrappers feature a pervy lime, who we'll call Jon Gosselime, humping on a whory lemon and popping a couple of cherries. Simon's explanation of the wrappers is pretty hilarious. Dude is so proper! Simon cleared his throat, raised his pinky and told Metro, "The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face. I demanded to see the shop manager and, during a heated exchange, my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park."

Um. Did she happen to sit on a vibrator that was lying in her backseat, because you know that's what she was doing in that car park! The only thing that was distressed was his wife's coochie, because she got the sexy itch down there after seeing those fruits going at it. Truth!

Haribo, who produces the candies, laughed off Simon's claims and said, "The jovial MAOAM man is very popular with fans, both young and old."

What is the big deal? It's just a lime (who looks more like a lima bean) munching on a cherry and squeezing the jizz out of a lemon. It's natural! Simon really needs to fuck a fruit and lighten up a bit.

Porn star and future politician (the two go puss-in-hand) Stormy Daniels was put in handcuffs over the weekend (TWIST COMING) and it wasn't so that a sessy fake police officer could beat her 'gina lips with his mighty skin baton. No, bitch was really arrested after she allegedly beat her husband Michael in the head a few times in their home in Tampa, FL.

Michael told the po po that Stormy Chris Brown-ed him, because she didn't like the way he did the laundry. Okay, hold the Downy softener ball, because I bet Michael accidentally left a red thong in the washer when he put the whites in. ILLEGAL! Some bitches will cut, stomp, slap, kill and set fire to any ho who turns their whites pink. Turn a white pink and get slapped. I think that was rule #12 in my abuelita's Book of Life.

After Stormy was arrested, she admitted that she broke some candles and threw a potted plant in the sink, but didn't mean to hit her husband in the head. Stormy's defense was that she was just trying to get her keys which he was hanging over his head and she accidentally fisted him in the face. HAHAHAHA! This bitch! Although, 9 out of 10 scientists will tell you that the best way to get something from someone is to punch them in the mug. I'm surprised Stormy didn't use the "HE RAN INTO MY FIST" excuse (aka The Tommy Girl's favorite cover story).

Stormy was later released on $1,000 bail.

VIA TSG

Vivid Entertainment is piggybacking on OctoMommy's fame (the visual just destroyed me) by offering her $1 million for just one porn movie. Yeah, watching dudes dick slap her c-section scars is really going to make genitals explode in excitement.

TMZ says that Vivid is ready to make her a contract girl and if she agrees to that, her army of babehs will get full medical and dental insurance. But she'll have to do more than one porn.

Well, bitches have been calling her Octopussy, so she's already got the name. Or maybe she can call herself Vaginalina HOlie? Either will work. And for titles I'm thinking Eight Inches Is Not Enough, STRETCH Marks or Womb Raider? One of her "co-stars" can dress up like a giant sperm, she can dress up like an egg and they can do fucky times on a giant petri dish. Ugh. I can't. It's too early and the caffeine isn't even close to kicking in. I might have to shoot up coffee directly through my veins in order to deal.

OctoMommy is every kind of crazy, so I wouldn't pull out my pit hairs in shock if she actually went through with this. Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to this crazy.

If you watched the Super Bowl yesterday on Comcast Cable in Tuscon, Arizona, then you got a little porny gift during the game. Right after the Cardinals took the lead in the fourth quarter, the Super Bowl was replaced by Super Peen!!!! Customers got about 10 seconds of one of our best friends: porn. The porn clip showed some bitch pulling some fug dude's dick out of his pants. The dude then got up and did the slappy dance with his wang. This was all live!

Comcast says they are investigating why there was an interruption in the feed. Um. Dear, Comcast, you see the dude in your office wearing Steelers shit head to toe? Yeah, he did it.

You know, that at that porny moment a shit load of parents in Tuscon threw a bowl of nachos over their children's eyes and dragged them out of the room. Later that night, they all had to have "the talk." And all because of the damn Super Bowl! On the bright side, it's never to early to learn the slappy peen dance!

I was complaining that the Super Bowl would be a whole lot more entertaining if the dudes were running around half naked, flopping their peens around. The cable gods in Arizona heard my prayers and delivered, sort of. It should've been hardcore gay porn. I mean, that's what we all wanted thanks to those dudes running around in tight pants and the announcers talking about tight ends. Maybe we'll get that next year. Floppy peen replaced Janet Jackson titty this year. So gay butt sex will replace dancing dick next year. Stay tuned.

Click here to see the clip. You have to scroll down a bit. It's kind of disappointing that the dick is so douchy!

I could probably use the above title a dozen more times if I did more investigative reporting. I mean, I think all American Idol rejects end up in gay porn (even the girls) eventually. Shit. I think all of us will end up doing gay porn sooner or later. Yeah, so you better practice keeping your privates erect while getting it in the stink. Your time is cumming soon.

You might remember Zach Travis' American Idol audition that left the judges confused. Well, Simon and Randy anyway. Paula is always confused. Zach was the girly boy who wore bellbottoms and heels while singing Whitney Houston's Queen of the Night. Randy asked him if he was a dude or a chick. Zach was rejected and his dreams were crushed....

That's until he chopped off the librarian bob, tossed the heels in the dumpster and pulled his ass cheeks apart. Now the only thing that's getting crushed is Zach's asshole! Zach does gay porn now and goes by the name Kirk Cummings. Okay, couldn't he have come up with a better name than that?! Randy Jackmeoff? Or maybe Simon Bowels (ew)? Or even Semen Cowell?

The Sword uncovered Zach's new gay porn image as well as his new "song" called "Badass." The song is nothing to bust nuts over, but (NSFW) click here to see Zach's other skills which he seems to be much better at.

Good for Zach! When someone kicks you to the ground, just get on your knees and start sucking your way to the top (or bottom in his case)! It's the American dream!

Below is Zach's song "Badass" and click here to see his original Idol audition.

(Thanks Jack Shamama)

David Duchovny is currently cooling his genitals in rehab because he's addicted to porn. On Thursday, David's rep announced that he checked into a facility to receive treatment for sex addiction. A friend tells Fox News that David never cheated on Tea Leoni unless cyber fucking counts as cheating. David has "The Peter Cook Disease." He loves to surf and stroke.

The friend said that David spends hours rubbing his dick raw while browsing chat rooms and looking at internet porn. Quick! Check all the responses from your Craigslist "Casual Encounters" ad (I know you have one). You might have gotten a response from Agent Mulder! Even better, Mulder might have knocked one off to your picture. You should be proud.

And didn't Agent Mulder have a thing about porn on "The X-Files"? David! Don't take your work home with you.

David's friend also said that he only announced he was in rehab for sex addiction because a patient at the clinic he's in was about to leak the story to the press. David "beat" him to the punch. And then he beat it some more. And some more. And a little more.

Those sex pictures (link NSFW) of Kristin Davis floating around the internet are real and it's her alright. TMZ reports they were taken a long ass time ago in 1992 when she was 27. That explains her hairy bush. The early 90s were all about keeping it hairy down low. The photos were taken by an ex-boyfriend. He was pissed off at Kristin, so he sold them to a third party. The third party got involved with another dude who stole the pics and put them on the internet. And that's that!

This was ages! This was even before her "Melrose Place" days. Speaking of, I hated that bitch on Melrose Place. I think I clapped when Brooke hit her stupid head on the pool. Anyway, we all do stupid shit. We get horny, we get naked and we take pictures of our hairy bush. This is why you delete the pictures or video after you've wiped the cum from your belly. Common sense!

Porn Star and daughter of California, Mary Carey has unfortunately dropped out of the California Governor race to care for her ill mother. Mary ran back in 2003 and lost out to Arnold Schwarzenegger by just a few hundred million votes. So close!

She will relocate to Florida and care for her mentally ill mother who is in critical condition after jumping off of a building. Mary said, "She's schizophrenic and didn't take her medication and jumped off a building "She broke both of her legs, shattered her feet and shattered four vertebrae in back It's remarkable she survived As much as I want to help the state of California be a better place, I think it is more important to be with my mom and help her I am only 26 and have many more years to be involved in politics . For now I would just like to ask everyone to pray for a healthy recovery”

26 in dog years?! Mary is making the right choice. That sucks cause I can still vote in California and I was going to vote for her ass and I mean her ass, literally. My thoughts and prayers are with Mary and I’m sure the beautiful state of California will survive without her. Besides, there’s only room for one cocksucker (Arnold).

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