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I have to write this really fucking fast, because I want to catch the next dingy to Austria! You see, Dreamboat Doherty is going to premiere one his crackie home movies at a porn theater in Graz, Austria. Dreamy's friend said that some of his movie is "very revealing."

The theater's owner said that Dreamy's private footage will be screened tonight. I'd like to privately screen Dreamy's footage, if I ain't being too subtle! I'm sure I would lose my tongue on contact, but that's ok. Sometimes your tongue just gets in the way of really going to town. Besides, I'll have a valid excuse when I say to a stranger, "Hey mith! I ike your puss."

The theater owner said, "It is private material from Pete Doherty that he filmed by himself. He said he wanted to show it. I have no idea what is in it though or how long it is. It will be a surprise." Oh, I can imagine how long it is... Wait, does he even have one anymore? Or did the crack eat it off? That's ok. I'll suck on the stump.

It's unclear whether or not Dreamy is going to show up. Who knows with that crackhead. The theater will also provide barf bags, industrial strength eye bleach, towelettes provided by Hazmat and steel blindfolds.

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It's nice to hear that crazy runs through the veins of the entire McConaughey family. I'm sure they also share the same bong too. In her new book called "I Amaze Myself," Kay McConaughey confirms she's related to Matthew by giving us way too much information.

In one section, Kay writes that her husband died doing sexy times with her. She writes, “On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love. But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing But it was just the best way to go!”

When the paramedics arrived and couldn't revive him, she didn't bother covering up his nekkid body. “I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift." This horny memaw is my kind of people.

She also admits that Matthew was a "happy accident." After she married Jim for a third time (!!!), Kay didn't know what she wanted to do with her life. “I was deciding, ‘Do I want to have another baby? Do I want to have an affair? Or go back to school? That’s when Matthew was conceived. We had tried for 16 years and no baby. So Matthew was a big surprise!”

I need to find a way to marry into this family. They must be smoking some of the serious good shit. Take note, White Oprah. This is how a celebrity's mother should talk to the media!

VIA UsWeekly

If your a reporter and you're interviewing Brad Pitt, if you don't ask how the chosen ones are doing, a curse will be placed on you. I'm pretty sure of it. At a press conference for "Burn After Reading" in Venice, Brad was asked how the chosen ones are doing. He said, "The twins are fine." He then raised his glass of holy water, toasted and took a sip. Half of the room fainted.

When Brad said they were fine, he really meant, "They can speak 10 languages, they are on their way to finding the cure for cancer and they just qualified for the Olympics in 2012. They will compete in every single event."

George Clooney, who was also at the press conference, was asked the question he always gets asked. When is he going to get married and have kids? He said, "I am so surprised to hear that question. This honestly is the first time I've ever been asked that question. I'm getting married and having children today." Brad added, "And until then, I'll be sharing mine with him." Seriously, they should just get married to each other already.

Here's the two old goats at the Venice Film Festival today. Brad, please burn that hat after wearing. Thank you. I also threw in some pictures of my favorite ginge shemalien, Tilda Swinton.

Ginge living on the edge alert! Marcia Cross was out in Malibu yesterday when she had to go pee pee times. The chick's bathroom was taken, so she strolled on into the men's room. Arrest her! Yeah, this is something you all do. I even use the chick's room from time to time whenever there's a line for the dude's room. It happens. I'm practically female so nobody gives a fuck. I even piss sitting down when I'm really tanked.

This shit reminds me of one of my gorgeous chola cousins. This bitch mostly uses the men's bathroom at clubs or bars. What's her reason? This delusional ho said whenever she uses the women's room, other chicks stare at her with lezzie eyes or hate on her because she's so gorgeous. No joke! She said dudes never bother her. This never made sense to me because if she's so fucking sexy hot, wouldn't dudes be all over her in the bathroom? Her answer is that most dudes just want to get their piss on and can't be bothered. Some bitches have real issues.

Erica Kane has been announced as just one of the bitches who will dance for some broke ass trophy in "Dancing with the Has Beens" this season. Although, they will have to change the name to "Dancing with the Has Beens and La Lucci...and Cloris Leachman." Yes, 82-year-old Cloris will also shake her grand memaw crotch on the dance floor. Methinks Erica Kane and Frau Blücher will battle it out in the end! It's the year of the memaw. I can feel it.

Even though Kim KardASSIAN effed up her foot last night, she will still dance! Does she realize that the dance floor doesn't have a strip pole? Kim said she didn't cut her foot on a glass coffee table. She cut it on a broken mirror underneath a desk. She said she tried to push away with her foot and got cut up. So I guess it is true. Her fat ass got all the brains.

Here's the rest of the cast with who they are partnered with:

Toni Braxton (with Alec Mazo), singer, 40 - Expect a lot of super slutty costumes.
Lance Bass (with Lacey Schwimmer) ultra gay singer, 29 - Lacey and Lance?! I'm already annoyed.
Ted McGinley (with Inna Brayer) Jefferson D'Arcy, 50 - But can he do the Bundy Bounce?
Cloris Leachman (with Corky Ballas) Frau Blücher, 82 - YES!!
Warren Sapp (with Kym Johnson) NFL sports person, 35 - NEXT!!!
Rocco DiSpirito (with Karina Smirnoff) flaming chef, 31 - So there's TWO gays this season!
Kim Kardashian (with Mark Ballas) amateur porn star with a fat ass, 27 - SKANK!
Maurice Green ( with CHERYL BURKE!!!) Olympic sports person, 34 - Eh!
Misty May-Treanor (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy) Olympic sports person, 31 - Maksim is finally back!
Susan Lucci (with Tony Dovolani) LEGEND!, 61 - THE WINNER!
Jeffrey Ross (with Edyta Sliwinska) comedian, 42 - Heh?
Cody Linley (with Julianne Hough) Disney whore, 18 - No.
Brooke Burke (with Derek Hough) big tittied robot, 36 - First bitch to go!

Fuckity fuck fuck! Just when my brains were starting to forget about that annoying mop head Cheryl Burke, she returns! La Lucci better sweep with the dance floor with Mop Head! And Rocco and Lance are totally going to do the horizontal mambo off the dance floor.

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Faith Evans, the widow of Biggie Smalls, has an autobiography coming out this Friday and in it she talks about how she used to deal with being cheated on over and over again. Instead of taking revenge out on Biggie by maxing out his credit cards and emptying his checking accounts, Faith handled it the old-fashioned way. She writes, "I thought maybe kicking some ass would get the word out that chicks better think twice before messing with my husband."

Faith would even go so far as to get on a plane just to beat the skank out of a bitch. She writes that she once caught the red-eye to Virginia and found a girl in his hotel room. "I jumped on top of her and started beating her ass . . . 'Yo, Ma you need to chill!' Big said, 'I didn't even fuck her!' I mashed her in the face and then kicked her. 'Yeah, well, you should have,' I said." Well, I guess that's one way of handling the situation. I probably would have ordered room service and watched pay-per-view, but that's just me.

She sometimes didn't even bother doing her research! When she found a picture and phone number of some ho in Biggie's car, she found out where the chick lived, showed up and delivered "a brief but thorough beat-down."

Faith's legendary beat downs weren't solely for no-name sluts either. In her book, she writes about how she broke into Biggie's apartment, found him in bed with some bitch and then proceeded to fuck her up. The bitch turned out to be Lil' Kim. "I grabbed some chick out of the bed and started beating her ass. At some point, the chick's wig came off in my hand: It was a short, cropped wig. I stopped throwing punches for a minute to get a good look at the chick I was beating up. It Lil' Kim. She was completely butt-naked, yelling as I pushed her around the room. 'So you're not fucking her, right?' I screamed at Big. 'Yeah, you not messing with her anymore right?'"

Fuck! Think of all the time and energy Faith spent on beating bitches asses. She didn't even have to work out back then, because she burned calories from whipping whores. And you know Biggie loved that shit. He probably sat back and imagined them in bikinis.

I'm too lazy for that shit. Why bother exerting yourself on some stupid skank when you can just sneak Nair into her conditioner and switch her diet pills with laxatives. I mean, who wants to fuck a bald-headed ho with a bad case of shitty ass? Well, Tommy Girl does, but he doesn't count.

Mr. Obama has chosen Mr. Biden as his main homey. Obama/Biden '08! We'll just call them BamBi! I like BamBi! They can call me Thumper! BamBi '08!!!

Anyway, when I first read that Mr. Biden was in, I immediately googled his wife! That's all I really care about. Michelle Obama is lovely, but I want some over-the-top glamour in the White House! Unfortunately, I'm not getting that from Jill Tracy Biden, Joe's wife. She needs a Shauna Sand makeover. Nothing says "wife of the vice president" like a pair of exquisite lucite heels and candy pink lip gloss. That's basically all she needs and she'll be ready to go. Cindy McCain is a ruthless and cruel she-devil so Michelle and Jill must come prepared. Exquisite lucite heels are not only the epitome of elegance and glamour, but they are also a formidable weapon against pill-popping ice queens!

I also checked to see if Joe has any party girl daughters. He doesn't, but his daughter Ashley (pictured below) is a known criminal! Okay, not really. Back in 2002, someone threw a bottle at a police officer outside of a bar in Chicago. When the officer went to deal with the bottle thrower, Ashley stopped the cop and said a bunch of shit to him. She was arrested, but the charge was later dropped after she apologized. BORING!!!! Give me some real shit!

Enough talk about these political hos! Politics gives me the runs. Below, I've also posted a picture of Joe's semi-hot son Beau Biden. He's also some politician-like person. I'd hit it.

Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling were all lovey-dovey in Toronto yesterday. I guess this means they're back together? Aren't they just the cutest thing? I could shit! However, you know what would make these pictures even sweeter?

Imagine a cute puppy bouncing around Ryan and Rachel. Rachel picks up the puppy, thinking her day has gotten even sweeter thanks to this innocent soul in her arms. Rachel and Ryan coo at the puppy in between kisses. It's all a sugary sweet picture. Then when Rachel and Ryan least expect it, the puppy bites off her ear lobes and rips off one of his finger nails. They both scream in pain as the puppy laughs and runs off.

Yes, I'm an insanely bitter bitch who needs to go and sit in a dark bathroom with a box of stale graham crackers and a glass of piping hot Haterade.

Kimberly Walsh, Jane Mancini, Amanda Woodward, Dr. Michael Mancini, Dr. Peter Burns, Brooke Armstrong, Allison Parker, Jake Hanson and Sydney Andrews may reunite at the Emmy Awards this year. Kimberly better rip off her wig during the reunion and beat Michael with a shovel! And Jane better scream "Sydneeeeeey" at least once.

According to E! the Emmy producers are trying to reunite several casts to celebrate the 40th Anniversary of the awards show. A source said that reuniting the large cast of "Melrose Place" is going to be a nightmare. They better not forget Amy Locane, Vanessa Williams or Sexy Lexi!

The source also claims they are thinking of reuniting the casts of "Happy Days," "Dynasty," "Dallas," "Knots Landing" and the original "Beverly Hills 90210." 90210 can stay, the rest can go!

Personally, I think they should reunite the casts of "2000 Malibu Road," "Pacific Palisades," "Models Inc.," "Savannah," "CPW" and "Titans." Although, most of the people in those TV shows have probably dropped off the face of the earth.

And I leave you with this riveting and powerful scene from MP featuring that dumb bitch Sydney! In this clip, Sydney gets her ass beat down by a bunch of old raggedy whores. Sydney didn't know the rules of the streets! The three old whores really missed their calling. They should have been in an all-girl pop group. Not walking the streets.

85-year-old Leda Smith of Point Marion, PA is not about to let some punk ass bitch fuck with her home! On Sunday afternoon, Leda was chilling in her home, probably smoking a bong and listening to Wu Tang, when she heard some bitch breaking into her house. Leda said her neighbor's home was recently robbed, so she had been keeping a .22-caliber revolver near her bed.

She went on to say, "I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun. I said 'What are you doing in my house?' He just kept saying he didn't do it." Leda then made the 17-year-old robber call the police while she kept the gun pointed at him. She ordered him to hand her the phone so that she could report his ass. With the 911 operator on the line, she instructed him to lie face down on the floor with his legs spread. She continued to the point the gun at him. This memaw doesn't eff around. I guess watching all those episodes of "Barney Miller" really paid off.

The 17-year-old was charged with attempted burglary and related offenses in juvenile court.

Leda said she found the whole thing "exciting." Granny got a taste for the gangsta life and now she's not going back! She also said, "I just hope I broke up the (burglary) ring because they have been hitting a lot of places around here." I hope all the criminals of Point Marion, PA heard that loud and clear. There's a new head bitch in charge and her name is Leda Smith.

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