Hotness

Sienna Miller might have a new partner in homewrecking. That's if you believe Star Magazine. They claim that Fantasia has used her feminine wiles to lure a very married father of two into her pussay's clutches. Just because Fanny's own home almost got foreclosed on, doesn't mean she should go and snatch someone else's. But I guess we can't choose who our fuck parts want to cling to. We just have to go with it.

Apparently, everyone in Charlotte, North Carolina is queefing about how 30-year-old college football player Antwaun Cook pink-slipped his teacher wife and his two young children (ages 1 and 4) so that he could fuck on Fantasia full-time.

Fanny and Antwaun met back in August while he was working at a T-Mobile store. Their genitals instantly started humming for each other while talking about pre-paid phones. A weeks after they met, Antwaun left his family and moved into Fanny's mansion. A source added, “I’m not going to deny that the word ‘homewrecker’ is floating around."

The source also said that Fanny's got so bad for Antwaun that she even had his last name tattooed on her shoulder, “She got it to honor her man!"

Well, if Fanny's fairytale romance with Antwaun ever ends she can easily turn that tattoo from "Cook" to "COCK." And really, we all wish we could go through life with a giant cock on our shoulder.

And those of you screaming that Fanny can't even read her own tattoo need to stop! You might just be right, but who cares. Who needs to be hooked on phonics when you can be hooked on cock!

Ask my genitals (and the restraining order out against me) and they will tell you that this was definitely the year of THE SILVER FOX! I mean, look at that precious blue background. Wouldn't it look even more precious with Anderson Fox's silver field glittering in front of it? Sigh. People better include a "Sexiest Fox Alive" supplement in this shit. Anymynonowillbesendingthemhatemail....

As you can see Johnny Depp was named People's Sexiest Man Alive (aka Bitch We Want To Bone Badly). Johnny joins Billy Goat Brad Pitt and George Clooney as the only pieces who have been named SMA twice. And once again, Mah Boo shuffles off empty-handed. FOR SHAME!

The rest of the list includes some of the usual suspects (i.e. Ryan Reynolds, Jakey G, Robert Downey Jr., Posh Beckham's purse holder) as well as some new hos (i.e. The Glee Guys, Gilles Marini, Squinty's favorite shopping partner, Glamberace, John Cho, Nick Cannon, John Legend).

And yes, the Keeper of the Unicorn Forest made the list too. Yesterday, there was a fake People cover going around with RPattz on it. People probably decided not to go with RPattz this year, because they didn't want to be responsible for the millions of Twitward vaginas that would explode out of excitement.

While you're sitting in your cubicle today and praying to the gods for a permanently hard dick and/or a fully packed bong to fall in your lap, say an extra prayer for Charo. Charo is BROKEN! Seeing Charo limp through Beverly Hills yesterday makes me want to slap a Gopher!

This means that Charo can't fully thrust her crotch bone and flex her chesticles. Sad. If Charo can't coochie coochie coo, your own coochie isn't going to even bother getting out of bed anymore. And if your coochie stops coo-ing, what's the point of anything?

Enrique Iglesias once joked that he was hung like a baby horsefly. We've never gotten proof that this isn't the case....until now! In Enrique's never-before-seen video from 2000 for the Bruce Springsteen cover "Sad Eyes," he unveils his 12-foot long dick that is made entirely of chrome! I'd still take a ride on Enrique's stripper dick, even if it gave my ass iron poisoning. Wouldn't be the first time.

It's best if you watch this Skinemax-approved porn video at the 3:00 mark with the sound off, sitting on your dryer, with a tub of baby wipes near you, three types of lotion at your side, a clothespin on each nipple an all the lights off.

Your body moles may jizz. And now I just killed the mood by painting that image.

via Tabloid Prodigy

Kim Kardashian needs to walk around like this on a full-time basis. This is definitely a bitch I could go to T.G.I. Fridays with after work and guzzle on Electric Lemonades while freaking on our bar stools to Starpoint. And on the ride home, I'd promise to be polite and barf in the seat pocket in the back of her '87 Nissan Sentra (in metallic baby blue). That's what the back pocket is for.

Kim dropped the low-budget skankness and brought the beauty for an episode of E!'s Secret Celebrity. Kim wrote on her blog that the result of her 3-hour makeover was "kind of scary." Um. No. The regular Kim is really scary. This trick right here is all sorts of glamorous.

And for some strange reason, Kim also decided to post a never-before-seen still from her sex tape:

Jon Hamm looks like the Disney prince of your genital's dreams today, and he looked like that in high school too. THAT BITCH! Above is one of Jon's high school yearbook pictures, and I'm sure you'll be spending the day Photoshopping your legs around his neck.

And let's not exchange high school pictures, because Satan uses mine to torture his victims. It's hell's equivalent to laughing gas, so you don't want to do that to yourself. Not today.

Source: JH Center VIA ONTD

Here's Katie Pierson of the B-52's (for the youngins who don't know) at Bette Midler's Annual Hulaween Gala in NYC last night with her partner in pussy Monica Coleman. My Google Alerts are obviously missing some Kate Pierson in their life, because I did not know she was bumping love shacks with another lady! Apparently, Kate declared herself a "late in life lesbian" a while ago. Now I can add Kate to my list of ginge gayelle bridesmaids for my wedding to Mah Boo Anderson Cooper (Don't Stop Believing).

Here's more of Kate (as Annie Oakley) and Monica (as Davy Crockett) at last night's party. I also threw in some pictures of Bette (as Lady CaCa in 10 years), Martha Stewart (as Madonna's sascrotch compete with roidy labia tentacles) with her gays and Michael Kors (as country Kim Zolciak before shaving).

Here's Scott Speedman shuffling around the streets of Beverly Hills in man-flops with his fresh out of the oven (not an ode to JLo) muffin top peeking out. It needs butter. Okay, okay, I know Scott doesn't look like he belongs on a Betty Crocker box, but "muffin top" sounds so much more delicious than "stomach" or "belly."

It took me a few nipple pinches and a couple of eye blinks to realize this was Grace Jones in her natural state! I almost didn't recognize her without a broken disco ball on her titties or a sandcastle on top of her head. Even without all that glitter, Grace is perfection. You won't ever catch me saying a bad word about her. If Grace wants to grow out her Chia Pet Pits (see thumbnail #2), she can!

By the way, proof of Grace's powers are in the picture above. Grace is text-messaging with her cooch! Hands are for amateurs.

Alan Thicke and Gloria Loring will soon have fresh baby barf all over their clothes and slobber on their cheeks, because their son Robin is going to be daaaaaaaaaaaaddy. Really, the mating is getting out of control.

UsWeekly reports that Robin Thicke and his wife Paula Patton made their first baby together. I know it's too early to throw around names, but if he doesn't name their baby Dr. Jason Seaver Jr. (even if she's a girl), I will question his loyalty as a SON!

And honestly, this post was just an excuse to put up Alan's Playgirl cover. Unfortunately, we don't get to see if Alan's thick. GONG!