Zsa Zsa Gabor
Zsa Zsa Gabor's leg was surgically Heather Mills'd early last year after a glamour-hating blood clot of bitchiness refused to go away. Since then, Zsa Zsa's been lying on the pink satin comforter on the princess bed in her boudoir and she didn't notice that the white marabou slipper on her other leg was all by itself until six months after the fact. Prince Von A-Hole, Zsa Zsa's husband and the warden of her crystal prison, told Page Six at a charity event in L.A. the other night that she barely found out she only has one leg and she doesn't even know that she eats through a feeding tube. Prince Von-A-Hole said this about the moment 95-year-old Zsa Zsa found out that something was different:
“It took over a half a year. She found out about it when she told me to sit her up, and she saw it. She couldn’t feel it because [one] hand is paralyzed and [one] hand was too short to go on it . Finally, a half-year later she said, ‘There is something missing.’ She doesn’t even know she gets food through the tube. It will only upset her. She was so glamorous always, and she is so vain.”
How depressing. If I had a jewelry chest full of rhinestones, I'd put them all on, fill the fancy plastic bowl I stole from a wedding with Andre and dunk my head in there for the rest of the day. Prince Von A-Hole also said that he hasn't told Zsa Zsa that her good friend Phyllis Diller flew off to heaven on the wings of a wig, because he doesn't want to give her any bad news. So Zsa Zsa's missing leg has been gilded and is displayed on the wall of the Smithsonian somewhere (I'm guessing), her hand is taking a permanent nap (please don't tell me it's her slappin' hand) and he doesn't want to give her bad news? Lord.
If I was Zsa Zsa, I'd want Prince Von A-Hole to give me all the shitty news right now. Because knowing that I'm going to spend the rest of my life looking at his face makes all the crappy news seem not that bad in comparison.
As chandeliers everywhere slowly start to lose their shine, Zsa Zsa Gabor returned to UCLA Medical Center this afternoon after her feeding tube started to squirt blood everywhere. Zsa Zsa was barely released from the hospital on Monday after she won a battle with pneumonia. Zsa Zsa's husband, who can't fart without calling TMZ's tip line first, tells CNN that doctors are working right now to revive her. Prince von Anhalt says that she's not responding.
What the hell hasn't Zsa Zsa been through over the past couple of years?! I'm surprised a lightning bolt hasn't hit her hospital bed as a shark went flying through the window. Damn. Damn. Damn. Zsa Zsa got her hip replaced, they took her damn leg and she's 94 years old! If you make it to 94 years old, you should be spending your days swatting at your little grandchildren dressed up like cops (to relive the glory days)! You shouldn't be lying up in a hospital bed for the 1,974th time this year.
Oh, Zsa Zsa. Well, while her body's in a coma, maybe her mind is waltzing with a diamond-encrusted man in a sea of champagne bubbles and swan feathers.
Zsa Zsa Gabor is back in the hospital today after the stress of hearing about Elizabeth Taylor's death sent her blood pressure rising towards the heavens. Zsa Zsa believes in the three death theory and thinks she's going to be the third angel next to Jane Russell and Elizabeth. Zsa Zsa's husband Frederic Prinz von Anhalt, who never misses an opportunity to blow into the media's ear, tells Radar that his wife went "hysterical" after finding out about the death of her good friend on the news yesterday morning.
I bet it's some glamorous shit when Zsa Zsa rolls into hysterics. She pulls off her diamond clip-on earrings, shoos the menagerie of fluffy white dogs off her bed and grabs at the pink satin curtains hanging off the canopy while trying to find the light that will make her single tear drop twinkle.
Zsa Zsa's rep pretty much echoed Prinz von Anhtal's words to AP and said that she screamed out: "Oh, Jane Russell and Liz Taylor — I'm next." But her rep thinks she'll live forever, "She's not going to be the third."
Zsa Zsa (or JA JA as my Salvadorian mother calls her) is 94-years-old and has been in the hospital more than an objectophile with an appetite for jumbo wine jugs, but I still believe she'll outlive us all! The gatekeeper up in heaven isn't quite ready for Zsa Zsa to slap him after he asks for her identification.
Since we're on the subject of glamour, here's Joan Collins at the premiere of "His Way" in L.A. the other night. Joan is answering to those wig accusations by flashing her natural hairline. Even though Joan looks like she ran out in the middle of getting her hair washed, she's still all kinds of ravishing.
Here's some tragic news that makes me want to throw on a pink marabou robe and slap cops up and down the street while shouting at the cloud islands above, "Hasn't Zsa Zsa been through enough?!!!" Zsa Zsa Gabor's rep confirms to Popeater that she waved away her doctors advice to amputate her OTHER leg. Just how many of Zsa Zsa's legs do they fucking want?!
Zsa Zsa's right leg was amputated in January because of an evil blood clot that wouldn't quit being evil, and she was hospitalized on Wednesday when her left leg's blood flow refused to cooperate. This is already after Zsa Zsa spent some time on a hospital bed because she caught a high fever and developed fluid in her lungs. Zsa Zsa is currently on medication, but doctors say she won't survive another year if they don't amputate her other leg.
Zsa Zsa would be as fabulous as Pedro Martell without legs, but she knows it's time for her to sniff on champagne bubbles from a crystal flute instead of breathing in anesthesia over and over again. Before Zsa Zsa turns into crystal and drapes herself over the chandelier in heaven, she should spend her days with her diamonds and Alex Trebek.
(Image via Pacific Coast News)
Zsa Zsa Gabor is once eating nibbling on slightly chilled chocolate bonbons and sipping on the tears of police officers from a crystal goblet in her bed after a massive blood clot forced doctors to amputate most of her leg. TMZ reports that Zsa Zsa was sent home from the hospital yesterday and doctors have ordered her to stay in her pink satin princess canopy bed for at least two months. A nurse will be on hand 24-hours a day to spoon feed caviar to Zsa Zsa and wash her hair with diamond water.
No Zsa Zsa post would be complete without an ass dingle straight out of her husband's mouth. Prince Frederic von Anhalt spoke into TMZ's mic and told them that her hospital bills are going to run them around $20,000. Yes, only $20,000. I didn't snatch a zero, deep fry it, sprinkle it with powdered sugar and eat that shit. Dude really only said $20,000.
Zsa Zsa spent over a week in the hospital, had major surgery and he's saying shit about only $20k? That's probably all co-pays, because my hospital bill would be more than that if I simply went in complaining about how I accidentally sat on an empty lubed-up bottle of Andre. Besides, the diamond tiara Zsa Zsa wears to take a piss is worth way more than $20,000. Somebody needs to hook Prince von Anhalt up to an IV filled with STFU.
Just start pouring bottles of Andre directly into my mouth hole, because it's a sad day. After two weeks of doctors trying to do everything they can to save Zsa Zsa Gabor's ultra graceful leg, they sadly had to amputate most it starting from just above the knee. Zsa Zsa checked into UCLA Medical Center around New Year's Day after her personal doctor found the bitchiest blood clot of all blood clots in leg. Doctors put her on a shit load of antibiotics, but it was too late.
The good news is that Zsa Zsa did fine during the surgery and her doctors are optimistic that she'll heal without any major problems. Since Zsa Zsa is 93-years-old, she will stay in the hospital for a little while longer so doctors can monitor her recovery closely.
I'm sure that Zsa Zsa's place on the chandelier of life will twinkle brightly long after ours goes dim. Zsa Zsa will live forever! I'm also sure that Zsa Zsa will look better than ever in her solid gold prosthetic leg with built-in marabou slipper. Dahlink!
And now here's some awful news that will make every crystal in the world lose its shine and every single feather wilt like an overheated swan. Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Prince von Anhalt tell TMZ that a private ambulance is taking her to UCLA Medical Center to have a blood clot in her leg removed. The blood clot has spread so much that doctors believe they will have to amputate some of her leg. Why didn't Zsa Zsa slap the fuck out of that blood clot when she had the chance? Sads.
Zsa Zsa wanted to spend what could be her last holiday at home, so she didn't go to the hospital earlier even though doctors advised her to. Prince von Anhalt is finally taking Zsa Zsa to the hospital today, because her doctor said that she could flutter off to the great big chandelier in the sky if she didn't.
Zsa Zsa has been sprinkling her glamour on the world for 93 years, so she deserves some rest and it's not right that a motherfucking blood clot had to mess that up. Hopefully, a diamond-encrusted prosthetic half leg will be waiting for her after surgery. Good thoughts in a bubble bath bubble to Zsa Zsa.
Seen her in better days breathing in the sweet muskiness wafting off of Burt Reynolds' stache, Zsa Zsa Gabor once again suffered a medical emergency at her mansion in Beverly Hills this afternoon. TMZ says that Zsa Zsa was lounging on her pink silk princess bed under a crystal chandelier when one of her legs started to swell up like the time her vengeful maid switched her Cle de Peau face cream with St. Ives.
Zsa Zsa's personal doctor immediately ran up the marble staircase to her bedroom to examine her. Zsa Zsa's doctor discovered a huge ass blood clot in her leg and called for an ambulance to take her to UCLA Medical Center. Her doctor was worried that the blood clot would travel up her leg and start to fuck with her vital organs. FYI: Zsa Zsa's doctor has x-ray eyes so do not question his skills.
How many times has Zsa Zsa been in the hospital this year? And how many times does she keep slapping at the angels who try to take her to heaven? Keep slapping those angels, Zsa Zsa, because crystals will stop sparkling and marabou feathers will wilt without in the world.
Oh, I've been waiting for Prince Von A Hole's all-natural crazy to poke out! Ever since Zsa Zsa Gabor started winking at the angels above, her husband Frederic von Anhalt has been polite with his comments about her condition. Prince Von A Hole has been bringing the foolery in heavy doses long before Spencer Pratt was birthed out of a Summer's Eve box, so I was a little surprised to see him behaving. But Prince Von A Hole is done leaving me thirsty for his crazy, because here it is! I'm glad we all saved a seat for it.
He wants the creator of the Bodies exhibit and German anatomist Gunther von Hagens to turn Zsa Zsa's body into the shell of Mickey Rourke and Janice Dickinson like the picture above. Prince Von A Hole explains, "My wife has always dreamed that her beauty would be immortal. I would like to show the plastinated body of Zsa Zsa Gabor in the context of a scene in one of her films."
That is the way he wants to honor Zsa Zsa's elegant beauty?! Put her on display in Las Vegas so that drunks can poke at her muscles and stare at her organs (GUILTY)? Dude is sick.
If he really wants to preserve Zsa Zsa's beauty and spirit he would turn her ashes into a dozen crystals. And then use those crystals to make a chandelier for the Beverly Hills Police Department. That way the prisms shooting off the chandelier will slap every police officer in the face who comes walking through the front door. That's a real tribute.
Why are we even talking about this anyways? Zsa Zsa is going to live forever!
A Rolls Royce ambulance was once again summoned to Zsa Zsa Gabor's palatial Bel Air mansion this morning after her husband Prince von Anhalt found her "unresponsive." A rep for the most glamorous woman to ever sashay across this land (next to Shauna Sand, of course) tells KTLA that she is currently being treated at UCLA Medical Center. Zsa Zsa has been in-and-out of the hospital for the past few weeks following hip replacement surgery.
A source tells TMZ that Zsa Zsa's staff shouldn't order the custom coffin made out of mother of pearl, velvet and rhinestones just yet. Thankfully, the source says that Zsa Zsa's condition is not life-threatening. They said that the ambulance taking her to the hospital did not have their emergency lights on. They also said that she complained of body aches and flu-like symptoms.
Even if Zsa Zsa's life is not danger, you should still put on your finest joo-ree before putting your hands together to say a prayer for her. Those of us who don't have diamonds, can make our own out of Saran Wrap and aluminum foil. You have to have some sparkly shit on your hands or your prayers for Zsa Zsa won't work!