Hotness

Let's take a break from all things Gosselin, so that I can profess my b-hole's love for Dustin Hoffman's 28-year-old son Jake. Mah Boo Anderson Cooper better return one of the ten thousand messages I leave on the CNN comment line daily or I will immediately transfer all my affections to the ever-so dreamy Jake Hoffman. Yeah, I think I just sealed my fate with Mah Boo. Enough about Mah Boo (I don't mean that), this post is about Jake!

Yes, his t-shirt is torn in the wrong place and slightly douchy, but let's focus on his hair. HIS HAIR. You know you just want to rub your nalgas all over that mop. It's even okay if the top mop matches the crotch mop. A few hundred pubie follices in the teeth never hurt anyone! I'm sure most dentists recommend it!

SPOILER ALERT! This is the ending from a 1987 movie called Student Confidential which has been titled "THE WORST ENDING EVER." It co-stars Marlon Jackson, so you know it's good shit. In the clip, the battered dude in the turtleneck gives some short speech about "inordinate amounts of money" before taking Marlon's hands. Then they stare at each other for a really long time. Marlon just smiles while I think the other dude passes a really big kidney stone through his asshole. This is what most of my first dates look like.

And you can wait all you want, but Keyboard Cat is not showing up. There's some things that even he won't be a part of.

VIA FilmDrunk

After Dreamboat Doherty was arrested for the eleventieth time (I'm being modest), a judge totally grounded him and put his ass on curfew. When 7pm rolls around every night, Dreamy has to pick himself up off the pub floor and go to his room! However......there are exceptions.

The Sun says that the court let Dreamy break his curfew last night so he could go to his sister's graduation party. They also let him push the whole curfew thing aside when he has to play shows. Oh and when the crack market drops too low, they also let him out for a few hours past curfew.

Okay, how many times has Dreamy been arrested? If you can count that high, then you are an expert counter who should probably teaching counting at The School of Counting. I don't think a number that high exists! Dreamy should probably be marinating in a chokey cell somewhere, but he's not! Instead he's just on curfew, but not really! The UK court system is the "cool parent."

If you ever plan on getting arrested (it's on my bucket list), then do it in the UK and tell them your name is Pete Doherty. They'll probably just say "awww," pinch your cheeks, give you $20 for a rock and then send you on your way.

These pictures of Marky Mark on the set of The Fighter (the same movie Christian Bale is fighting the hotness in a major way for) bring back the beautiful memories of his CK Chonies ad. It almost feels like I'm catching up with an old friend. Seriously, that ad and me were practically engaged. It might have been my first boyfriend. I would carry it around with me everywhere! I wouldn't leave home without it. In fact, I still have the paper cut scar on my no-no from our times together. One time, some dumb bitch at school caught me with it and asked why I had it. My response was, "I really like his music." Yeah, that's what I was calling dick bulges back then - music.

Anyway, it's nice to see Marky Mark's titties in top shape again. Although, the real scene stealer of this movie is going to be Melissa Leo's hair. BEHOLD!!!

This is what Carmela Soprano was trying to do to her hair for so many years!!!

Yesterday in Los Angeles, Justin Timberlake and a pap, we'll call Adam Sandler, fell madly in love with each other outside of a hotel. Okay, they apparently got into some kind of tiff, but you can't deny the chemistry between these two. Their peen holes are totally serenading each other while their nutsacks snap. It's just like the scene in West Side Story where Tony and Maria meet at the dance.

Justin kept his sunglasses on, because he knew that if his bare eyeballs made contact with Adam Sandler's bare eyeballs, he'd grab his hand, skip off into the sunset and they'd spend the rest of their days giving each other saliva baths.

You know, I kind of feel bad for the hot piece with the stache. Dude obviously wants to party too, but they don't even know he exists. Sorry, but even a sexy dude with a pussy strip on his upper lip can't get between two tampons in love.

Nothing will make your genitals quiver faster than a dude hitting it from the back with his jeans around his ankles, a cowboy hat on his head and his grandma's cardigan over his shoulders. Right? But seriously, what was GQ going for here? I think they might have been inspired by (NSFW) Lurid Digs.

Seriously, I don't know whether to jump on that shit or clean up his room. That's the problem with being a clean freak. It sneaks up on you at the worst time. You could be trying to get your fuck on when you suddenly notice a pile of clothes just lying on the floor in the corner. You try to ignore that shit and get yours, but you can't help it. You just want to scream "YES! YES! I'M CUUUMMMMING! Now foldyourfuckingclothes!!!"

That being said, if the dick is top notch, you'll be so blinded that you won't even see the mess.

Anyway, here's more Channing Tatum in GQ. It looks like Mimi's ab artiste has been busy, because homeboy looked like this a couple of months ago.

Chaz Bono made his first public appearance last night since announcing that he's saying "bye bye" to his bagina and "hi hi" to a peen. Chaz came out with his girlfriend Jennifer Elia to support Benjamin Bratt's movie La Mission at L.A.'s Outfest last night.

Benjamin told ET that he was doing the dick slappy dance, because he was so happy that Chaz came out to celebrate the festival, "I think it's pretty auspicious, I think it takes a great deal of courage to be here and be part of that personal celebration. I've never met him, but I'm looking forward to it tonight, so we're happy to be here."

If my fuck time friend had eyebrows like Chaz's girlfriend, I'd take that bitch out wherever I went too. If it wasn't for Jennifer's beautiful sperm fish brows, she'd totally look like she's a lolita from Long Island. I bet you Jennifer doesn't even have to pluck 'em! She just pours a little nacho cheese around the edges and Chaz nibbles those unwanted hairs right off!

Sasha Fierce's "Sweet Dreams" video hasn't even been out for 48 hours and the glittery gays of YouTube have already wrapped their honey baked hands all over it. It's a glitter revolution!

You might remember this buttery sweet Cinnabon roll from his earthquake-inducing performance back in May. Some of you may still be on the floor. Well, the bitch is back and he's taking it to the garage. Tyrone Jones is pulling out all the stops in this one from the ripple effect (which had me craving Cheddar & Sour Cream Lays) and the butter-churning grind. Why isn't this hot bitch in a Tyler Perry movie already?

I was also kind of hoping that the garage door opened to reveal his mom in a Camry screaming, "Get your gay ass out of the way! The El Pollo Loco is going to get cold!"

VIA Crunk + Disorderly

This is an ad for a language center in St. Petersburg which uses the music of Brit Brit to teach English. This is kind of ironic since Brit Brit barely knows English herself.

If Brit Brit knew what was good for her show, she'd immediately hire these 4 Russian bitches as her new back-up dancers/singers/eye candy. The hot pepaw can be the band's new accordion player, because every major show has to have an accordion player. It's just fact.

On second though, they don't need Brit Brit! These 4 beauties can go out on their own and become the world's next big superstar girl-group. They have everything it takes. There's the sexy one (the bitch in the red), the virginal one (the bitch in the white), the VOICE (the bitch in the black) and the lesbian one (you know which one I'm talking about).

VIA Buzzfeed

If I was Halle Berry, my wet parts would be stuck to Gabriel Aubry all day and all night. My b-hole would turn into a suction cup and it would not let go. I'd eat breakfast, lunch and dinner on his peen. And I'd take naps on his nalgas. Gabriel would also have to learn how to walk around with my crotch in his face and my legs on his shoulders. He can do it!

Hos would try to taser my ass to get me off, but I wouldn't move. They'd try to blast me with a flame thrower and I'd blow that shit out. You know that part in Titanic where Rose says to Jack, "I'll never let go"? It would be like that, except my ass would NEVER LET GO! Realness.

Here's my future conjoined twin, Halle Berry and Nahla at the pool in Miami today.