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Never before has a fugshot caused my brain to almost malfunction because of the dozens of images flying at me. I saw DEATH, an anorexic Penguin, an overcooked Gollum, Mr. Burns in need of a haircut and a methed-up Riff Raff.

Who knew that Phil Spector was hiding a mullet and some broke down plugs underneath his wig.

This mug shot is trying to lure me into the back of a van by promising me endless supplies of candy. I am not taking the candy. NO.

Send your dry cleaning bill to The Smoking Gun for providing this portrait of fugness.

For those of you skanks who have not finished season 1 of True Blood yet, might want to skip right off of this post, because I might drop a spoiler or two. And my inbox has met its daily quota for "Damn you motherfucker" e-mails. Save it for tomorrow.

All the promo shit I've seen for the second season of True Blood has been missing a very important bitch: LAFAYETTE! Yes, I already know that Lafayette is de-de-de-dead. Some dumb ho who read the series already told my ass that he gets killed off in book two. I still don't want to believe it's true! There has to be a way for Lafayette to return! Can't they make his ass a bitchy zombie? This cannot be the end for Lafayette!!!! Oh well. It was nice to see pictures of his ass at the premiere last night even though he was dressed like the "cool" substitute English teacher in high school.

Here's a few more pictures from last night. They are in order (by character name): LAFAYETTE, a tall glass of Swedish milk, Jason Stackhouse, Vampire Bill, Sookie GAPhouse, Tara, Maryann, Rene and the cast.

Time out. Mark-Paul Gosselaar needs to dress like this for the rest of his life! Katie Holmes needs to take notes, this is how you wear rolled jeans the right away. Under the lip.

Last night on Jimmy Fallon, Zack Morris returned to our lives! Zack appeared to promote some basic cable show he's on and to also confirm that he will be a part of The Saved By The Bell reunion Jimmy has been trying to put together. Kelly Kapowski and Screech are the only hos who have not yet agreed to the reunion. How has Kelly not RSVPed yet? She knows in her heart of hearts that she belongs with Zack. ~True love~

Below is Zack's entire appearance on the show. He even sings "Friends Forever." It's kind of not the same without the original members of Zack Attack, but it will do for now until we get the real thing. To be honest, this is kind of effing with my head. I'm so excited....I'm so excited...I'm so....scared.

The oldest trick in the whore book! At today's premiere of Trannyformers in Tokyo, Megan Fox pulled the good old "Oh, let me peek at Shia while I accidentally rub my nalgas all over Josh Duhamel's crotch area." Well, played. If only she would've reached a little higher. So close to being a bullseye. This is the Megan Fox that I like. The Megan that takes every available opportunity to get a little more dick in her life. Because when life hands you Duhamel wang, you have to grab it with your ass cheeks.

Here's Megan wearing a prom dress fit for the sluttiest girl in high school at the premiere today along with Mr. Fuggie Fug, Shia LaDouche, Tyrese, Michael Bay, Ramon Rodriguez and Isabel Lucas. Why does Shia have his hands behind his back in almost every picture? Gambled and lost?

Poison performed with the show Rock of Ages on the Tony Awards tonight and the theater gods were not amused with the idea of the keeper of the whores on Broadway. They gave Bret Michaels a warning by practically decapitating him and knocking him on his ass! HAHAHAHA! Who ever said the Tonys didn't bring laughs?! I wonder if his "fine European extensions" survived? And I also wonder how long it took them to mop up all the douche water that splashed out of his ears? What a beautiful moment. Totally rock and fucking roll.

And here's some pictures of Poison with Constantine before Bret almost got beheaded. I guess C.C. Deville couldn't make it. It was nice of Phyllis Diller to fill in for him.

Conan took over The Tonight Show earlier this week (or maybe last week) and I haven't seen him yet, but I have to tune in tonight just to see his set at work. Anybody who uses Super Mario Bros. as their inspiration for anything is gold in my book. I'm assuming that this is intentional. It has to be. I think. I hope.

And when it comes time to redo his set I hope Conan somehow pays homage to the greatest video game of my childhood, OUTRUN:

That blonde slut in the passenger seat was one of my earlier female idols.

Source: Serious Lunch VIA ONTD

The Governor of New Hampshire signed a bill tonight making it legal for same-sex couples to handcuff themselves to each other. Just like everyone else! New Hampshire is now the 6th state in the country that allows gays and gayelles to get married!!! And on Anderson Cooper's birthday nonetheless! I just thought I'd add that since every time a state legalizes gay marriage, I automatically think of Mah Boo whisking me off to that state to make an honest homo out of me. We'll have a Lolita-themed wedding in New Hampshire. Those heart-shaped sunglasses will look extra precious on him.

And now my eyes are on you, New York. Once you snap your fingers and make it happen, the most beautiful wedding the world has ever seen can finally take place. I've already got my flower girl outfit ready. It's made out of flannel, Bugle Boy khakis, faux red fern leaves and ginger weave hair.

Source: The New York Times

For a limited time, hos in Britain will be able to lick Daniel Craig all over, because Del Monte has put out a popsicle in his honor after conducting a survey. Over 1,000 chicks voted that they wanted a topless Daniel on a stick. It will only be on sale until June 7th.

They got the body and crotch area right, but the face will give me night terrors. He kind of looks like Gary Oldman in Dracula. He's just missing the two hairy titty cones on his head.

Del Monte also announced that they are not responsible for any freezer burned vaginas or assholes. And don't even think about using that stick. You don't want splinters in the snatch.

Image: Splash

Zachary Quinto stars in a mini-movie I like to call "Just A Regular Saturday Night For Tommy Girl." Although, if Tommy Girl had gallons of a white milky substance coming his way, he wouldn't be making constipated face like that. No, he'd be more like a dog to a water hose on a hot summer's day.

Watch Spock get showered with milk in a video portrait by artist Tyler Shields. I don't know whether to change my chonies or eat a bowl of Cheerios.

VIA OhLaLa (Thanks Eric)

Pop the poppers and heat the oil, because the biggest homo fight since Gay Al vs. Star Jones is about to go down! Remember when Gayken got all cunty and said Glamberace's performance of "Ring of Fire" made his ears bleed (but his b-lips tingle)? Well, Glamberace finally let the bitch out of the bag and responded during an interview with Access Hollywood. YES! YES!

The Glittery Prince of the Unicorns said, "I don't know Clay. I'm glad he's getting headlines now though, because he wasn't before. If he wants to ride my coattails about it, good for him."

Note to Gayken: Glamberace didn't mean the last part LIKE THAT, so wipe the scented Vaseline off your carrot and gerbil hole.

And I hope Glamberace likes Premarin in his eyes, because the Claymates are out for the blood of a unicorn! They already have to deal with desert vagina and now THIS! It's not going to be purdy.