Hotness

Pop the poppers and heat the oil, because the biggest homo fight since Gay Al vs. Star Jones is about to go down! Remember when Gayken got all cunty and said Glamberace's performance of "Ring of Fire" made his ears bleed (but his b-lips tingle)? Well, Glamberace finally let the bitch out of the bag and responded during an interview with Access Hollywood. YES! YES!

The Glittery Prince of the Unicorns said, "I don't know Clay. I'm glad he's getting headlines now though, because he wasn't before. If he wants to ride my coattails about it, good for him."

Note to Gayken: Glamberace didn't mean the last part LIKE THAT, so wipe the scented Vaseline off your carrot and gerbil hole.

And I hope Glamberace likes Premarin in his eyes, because the Claymates are out for the blood of a unicorn! They already have to deal with desert vagina and now THIS! It's not going to be purdy.

The jolly cat lady with a heart made of rainbows and hummingbird juice is beginning to turn.... Or at least that's what The Sun says anyway. Susan Boyle, the voice of this generation (don't tell Kanye), flipped her brows twice in one day. TWICE! Apparently, the happy teddy bear knows the fuck word well and isn't afraid to launch it at people. And this is the time where I really start loving Susan.

Yesterday at a hotel in North London, a police officer had to step in when Susan started going off at two strangers. Susan was not serenading them with a version of "I Dream a Dream." No, she was telling them to fuck off! Susan apparently screamed, "How fucking dare you! You can't fucking talk to me like that." When the cop asked if there was a problem, Susan responded, "Of course there's a fucking problem." According to Susan, the haters were poking fun at her in the hotel lobby, so she dropped the "Oh gee" smile and destroyed them. Bitch got so mad that she probably popped her cherry again!

The second flip out courtesy of Susan came while she was watching Britain's Got Talent in the lobby of a hotel. Susan's biggest competition for the top prize is a 12-year-old boy named Shaheen. On Tuesday's show, judge Piers Morgan basically got on the ground and worshiped Shaheen. Piers told Shaheen it was the greatest singing performance they had seen so far. And that's when Susan screamed "fuck off" and stormed off!

A witness added, "She got up, did one of those strange wiggling dances that she does, and then stuck two fingers up at the TV. Then she marched off. We didn't see her again."

One source is saying that the pressure is way too much for Susan and it's starting to get to her.

YES!!!! This is the Susan Boyle I was waiting to see! I love it when cute harmless old ladies get all cunty and shit! They all have it in them.

If Susan doesn't win BGT, she's going to go nuts! HOOD RAT STUFF! Susan is going to shave her head, flash her apple fritter, run over the paparazzi, elope in Vegas, dangle Shaheen over a balcony, get three DUIs, go to rehab and get knocked up by KFed. Susan is going to do all of this in one night. Hold your breath, brace yourself and put Daddy Spears on-call, because the second coming of Brit Brit is almost here. FINALLY!

File this under: news that made my nipples pass out. The New York Post (via Playbill) says that Hugh Jackmeoff and Daniel Craig will star in a Broadway play together later this fall. That theater is going to constantly smell like spoiled goat milk, hot dog water and discarded tuna cans.

Hugh and Daniel will both play cops (MY BUTT JUST BLEW UP) in A Steady Rain by playwright Keith Huff. The play is about "two Chicago cops whose friendship is tested by a domestic dispute they encounter in a poor neighborhood."

Okay, what is the title referring to exactly? Does it refer to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace in the rain pant-less? Or maybe it refers to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace in the shower shirtless? Or maybe it refers to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace while one of them is going pee pees?

It doesn't really matter. Just tell me if they will be selling a clean change of panties at the concession stand or if I have to bring my own?

Jean-Claude Van Damme proves that you can be an ole' skeezer with a face like a sun-dried tomato and still get the tranny with the biggest low hangers at the club. Git it, JC! Slap them nuts. Jean-Claude also proved that he doesn't need to dance at all, because his wang of wonder has all the moves. He's just standing there as it churns the dick butter.

Here's Jean-Claude dancing with a bunch of sexy fine pre-ops at a party for the never-ending Cannes film festival. Wait. Was this party held in front of a hospital curtain in the emergency room, because that would make so much sense. SO MUCH.

Have you ever wanted to hear the poetic lyrics, "When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet, Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets," live and from the mouths of the aritstes who wrote them? Well, it is your fucking life, because the master prophets known as LFO (Lyte Funky Ones) have announced that they are reuniting for one night only in NYC! We are all so lucky to be ALIVE!!!!

LFO *Reunion show*
July 18,2009 - Highline Ballroom
Limited VIP tickets available which includes: getting your car washed by two members of the band
Concert starts @ 6:30PM
Doors open @ 5:30 PM
Tickets $35.00 (or a half-punched Subway card)

Tickets onsale on May 28th at noon.
Open Baked Potato Bar Available

Okay, I might have effed with that a little bit, but I'm sure you could work something out if you agreed to actually buy a ticket. I need to stop! You know this shit is going to be sold out at 12:00:01. The truth! I'm taking my She-Ra sleeping blanket down to the Highline Ballroom in a few hours, because you know that line is going to stretch all the way into Canada. Don't believe me? Wrap your soul around these deep deep lyrics: "New Kids On The block,had a bunch of hits Chinese food makes me sick." See you in line!!!

VIA ONTD

There's a lot of reasons to love Marie Osmond. She's crazy. She loves wigs. She makes tranny dolls. And she sang the masterpiece Paper Roses. Well, here's a new reason to love her. Marie loves her pussy-eatin', strap-on wearin', power tool-carrying gayelle daughter! Marie's daughter, Jessica, is a lesbian and Marie is absolutely fine with that. She told Entertainment Weekly (via OK!) that her being a Mormon doesn't automatically mean that she thinks the souls of all gays and gayelles should burn in the fiery pits of hell.

Marie said, "I love my daughter! She's my baby girl, come on. So what if she's gay? She's my daughter and she's an amazing woman and a good kid. I raised her, she better be good. I think it's sad when we have to separate something from society. Whether it's, 'Oh you're Jewish,' and then it was 'Oh you're a Mormon,' or 'Oh you're gay.' I love real people. A lot of women out there have gay children. Who cares? I want love. I'm a Christian and Christ loved everybody."

And I love you, Marie! But really, I'd be sad in the heart if this bitch didn't accept gays. I mean, Marie has to be the gayest thing on this planet! Her brother is Donny Osmond for peen's sake!

Put Marie next to a unicorn. The unicorn immediately looks like the damn Marlboro Man. Put Marie next to Glamberace. Glamberace immediately looks like Chuck Norris! Put Marie next to me. Well, okay, that's a draw.

But seriously, now if only Marie can get some other hos to feel that way. If anybody can do it, Marie can (with help from her hypnotic dolls, of course). Viva Marie!

Mega manwhore Gerard Butler whooped a pap in the mouth and now he's being charged for it. Last October, Gerry was leaving the premiere party for his movie RockNRolla when a pap got in his face. Gerry handled the situation by fisting the dude in the mouth three or four times (I know you just came). TMZ has a picture of the pap's face after getting a dose of Gerry. Not bad. Just looks like something found on Lisa Rinna's crotch.

The L.A. City Attorney's office filed a criminal charge against him yesterday. Gerry's sexy ass has to slither into court on June 10th. If convicted, he could get up to 6 months in the chokey.

Gerry in jail?! Gerry in tight quarters with a bunch of sweaty menses?! 24/7 webcam series alert! For serious! This needs to be documented. Thousands of genitals are depending on it!

If Gerry goes to jail, the crime rate is going to hit the sky! Whores are going to do whatever it takes to get thrown into the clink just so they can accidentally drop the soap on Gerry's peen. And by "soap" I mean "ass."

This is the first trailer for Nine and it kind of has me feeling tingly for a couple of reasons. First, this shit has always been one of my favorite musicals ever and second, Daniel Day-Lewis DANCES! When I watched There Will Be Blood, I immediately thought to myself that it would be so much better if he was singing and dancing around the whole time. I mean, a musical number called "I Drink the Milkshake" would have been spectacular. Since that didn't happen, this is the next best thing.

Nine also stars a bunch of chicks who belong in this movie like Sophia Loren, Marion Cotillard, Penny Cruz and Judi Dench. There's also some hos (point at Fergie & Kate Hudson) who must have licked the right taint to get cast. When they hit the screen, that's when I hit the toilet! As for Nicole Kidman, the jury is still out on that bitch. I can't tell from the trailer if she moves her face or not. If she's able to frown even a bit, they should give her every award imaginable. That's a major feat in itself!

Remember a while ago when international supermodel and fashion icon Phoebe Price had it out with that chicken cutlet hater on the streets of Beverly Hills? PP threatened to shoot that ho if she came near her again! Well, the paps call the bitch the "Queen of the Scene," because she's known for acting the fool on the streets. Bitch might be homeless, but PP claims she's got money pouring out of her ass, because she has the same sunglasses as her. HA.

Yesterday, the Queen of the Scene was back at it! But this time she was there to save the day instead of beating down a cutlet. For some reason, the pappies surrounded American Idol loser Katharine McPhee and that crazy bitch swooped in to save her like a cracked out, busted down superhero. She needs to be wearing a bed sheet as a cape! The Queen of the Scene is like the Shadow Hare of Los Angeles. Supercrackie!

Debbie Gibson finally found the crown jewel in her illustrious career! Debbie is the star of the direct-to-DVD masterpiece Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus!

This cinematic wonder is brought to you by the director of The Mary Kay Letourneau Story, Wild Things 2 and La Cucaracha, so you know it's in fine hands. AND Lorenzo "I've Licked Shauna Sand's Elegant Lucite Pearl" Lamas is also in it! Slap your taint, because this isn't a dream. It's real life!

And you know the shark has this. I mean, he eats the Golden Gate bridge and shit. I already can't wait for the sequel: Mega Shark vs. Vadge's Roidy-Cooze.

VIA SAYOR