Hotness

I proudly present Padma Lakshmi with the best dressed award at Saturday night's White Castle Correspondent's dinner. Or should I say, the breast undressed award. Padma saluted the President by practically baring her tittay knobs. That is definitely what this country needs more of: NIPPIES!

And I love that there were kids around to gaze at her skin pacifiers. But to quote Cassie: "NOW STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A TITTY BEFORE!" Well the truth is, that kid might not have seen a titty before. But he has now thanks to our bitch Padma!

And you thought Miss California and Miss Teen South Carolina brought the dumbs? Well, this profound ho right here has trumped their asses! Giosue Cozzarelli, a contestant in Miss Panama 2009, gave the hottest answer ever when asked about her thoughts on a Confucius quote.

If I was her, I would've just shimmied my chichis and thrust my crotch to take the focus off my WTF answer.

Bitch still should have won for her accidental comedy skills alone.

VIA Jezebel

There's a few things you should no before you truthfully answer that question. This dude probably lives in a room in his grandparents house. He most likely works part-time in the storage room at a Blockbuster near his house. He eats his own semen, so he can keep his jizz count up and doesn't lose any unborn babies. He loves to spank his nalgas while he's spanking his little Jedi warrior (that's totally what he calls it) . He likes to wear diapers and isn't ashamed to admit it. He wears briefs. He "poos" in his pants sometimes. And don't even ask me what he does with all those action figures in the background. The places they've been....

So if you haven't passed out, checked yourself into the nearest hospital or barfed up all your insides yet, what's it going to be? As for me, I'd hit it. WELL, he'd clean up afterwards!

VIA Buzzfeed

On the Celebrity Apprentice a couple of weeks ago, Joan Rivers declared to Annie Duke that "pokah playas are beyond white trash." Joan probably got a million e-mails from pokah playas threatening to put her face under a heat lamp, because now she's saying she didn't mean ALL pokah playas. Just Annie.

Joan, who also called Annie a Nazi, tells Page Six, "Oh, calm down! I said it about one person. How can I hate poker players? Did you ever look at the cards? Everyone knows I love queens. Poker playing is a very noble profession. A little-known fact is Florence Nightingale had to choose between nursing and cards."

Yish, they definitely threatened to knock her face off and hand it to her. It wouldn't be hard, you would just have to scare and POP goes her face. Joan definitely said "POKAH PLAYAS." Plural.

I just hope she delivers more shiny gems like that on the season finale. And I highly recommend watching this show with your bong. Whenever Joan's face pops up on the screen, for a quick second my brain thinks it's watching an old episode of The Thunderbirds and it makes me kind of happy.

Lily Allen was at Selfridge's 100th birthday party when she came face to face with the glamorous queen of glamour, Joan Collins. Lily Twittered (via The Sun) that when she went to kiss my icon and personal role model on the cheek, Joan responded with, "I don't kiss people I don't know." I think I would've had a seizure from being exposed to such high levels of bitchery and glamour.

Lily should've sniped back at her. Then Joan would've slapped her, stole her man, bought majority shares in her company and then pushed her into a fountain. Really, you haven't lived until you've been destroyed by Alexis Morell Carrington Dexter Rowan Colby.

Here's THE BITCH, with a hot piece and Lily at Selfridges in London the other night.

Trent Reznor returned from the jungles of Mars with a souvenir: this alien beauty who belongs to the intergalactic tribe known as The Bai Lings. Her Earth name is Mariqueen Maandig (Actually, that might be her native name too) and you can see why Trent's peen thumps for her. Mariqueen's eyebrows are taking me to places I've never been before. Jump on them and ride past the stars! I bet if you touch them, you can speak to E.T. Shit, E.T. probably drew them himself.

My wish is that Trent and Mariqueen have ten million gorgeous eyebrow babies, because this is what our planet needs more of.

By the way, do you think Trent dick slaps her brows? Because I would. I know. Too far.

The band members of No Doubt took a quick break from their jobs as orderlies at a local mental hospital to reunite with Gwen Stefani and perform on Today this morning. Seriously, why do they have to look like they serve tapioca pudding all day while Gwen gets to wear an outfit taken from my childhood closet (I was behind the times).

Actually, scratch that. My pants didn't look that good, but I tried! My mom wouldn't let me bleach my jeans, so I had to make do with some black pants I got on sale at May Company. I twisted them into a ball and let them sit in a bucket of bleach for a few minutes. When I pulled them out and dried them off, they looked like a rust-covered rag found in a junk yard. That didn't bother me, I still wore 'em like they cost something. Oh, the days where you just didn't give a fuck.

Anyway, back to No Doubt. So, in case you haven't heard, they are back (along with Gwen's anime donut hair). They performed a few songs on Today this morning. Click here to watch if you care.

I kind of got the feeling that Gwen was only doing this so the other band members would stop burning her voicemail up with whines about how they have mortgages to pay and shit. That being said, it still made me happy. OLD, but happy.

The last time I got a jury duty notice in the mail, the phrase "LEAVE ME THE DICK ALONE" echoed in my head area for days. Why were they doing this to my life? Did I strangle a basket of fluffy baby bunnies or something? Why am I being punished? Why am I being forced to sit under fluorescent lighting with a group of grouchy ass hos who would rather be getting foosted by one of Fantasia's hooves than be sitting there with me. WHY? WHY? WHY? And just when I was about to file a restraining order against the Unified Court System for stalking my ass, I decided to just tuck it in and go! Weak, right?

Well, Erik Slye of Montana was stronger than me. After he got a jury notice in the mail earlier this year, he sent this beautiful notarized love letter. Pure poetry:

Apparently you morons didn't understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I'm not putting my family's well-being at stake to participate in this crap. I don't believe in our "justice" system and I don't want to have a goddamn thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dog's balls than sit on a jury. Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the F__K alone.

I love that after all that, he censored the fuck word. That just would've been too over the top, right? F__K, I love this dude. If there was a place to co-sign, my signature would be there. Unfortunately, court officials didn't feel the same way. A judge threatened to throw his ass in jail and ordered that he show his face in court. When he did, Erik apologized . A judge didn't cite him with anything and even excused him from jury duty. So in the end, it worked!

Now you know what to do next time you get one of those evil jury notices in the mail. Copy, paste and send!

Source: The Smoking Gun (There's a bigger version of Erik's work of art over there) (Thanks Tony)

You may see a skeezy guido who still lives in his mother's rec room in New Jersey and works part-time as a plumber's assistant while he's trying to make his big dream of owning a used car dealership/pizza place/strip joint on State Island come true. This is what you may see. However, I see a beautiful afghan hound of a man who I just want to walk through fields of gold. I just want to nuzzle up to that nose and bite it. BITE IT. EAT IT. Yes, Adrien Brody looks like he just walked out of True Life: "I Think I'm Ronny Cammareri From Moonstruck," but I can look past all of that, because of his nose. The nose that makes no-no say yes-yes.

I can even look past the blue Dior Hair Mascara from '98 that has busted loads all over his luscious mullet and the neon shoelaces he stole from my first pair of British Knights. I can look past all of....Oh, fuckity! Who am I fooling?! I can't look past all of that shit. For serious, who is dressing this sexy beast?! Kid Rock?! Adrien needs to put down the Natty Ice and get a gay in his life, because he obviously can't be trusted to dress himself.

There's always got to be a drunk ass foul-mouthed bitch at every party and at last night's tribute to Tom Hanks by the Film Society of Lincoln Center, Julia Roberts was that ho. Everyone embrace a fellow drunktardian into our club.

When it was Julia's turn to speak about Tom, she loaded her cannon with fuck bombs and aimed it at the audience. Julia's speech sounds like gorgeous music to my ears: (read it in a slurry, burpy voice) "Alright well, it's late and I'm paying my babysitter overtime and I have to pee. So Tom, everybody fucking likes you. All my bits are gone. Listen, I had lunch today with Rita, and her tits were here [motioned high] and her waist was here [motioned small] and her ass was like that [motioned high], so what can I tell you that's new? Tom Hanks, what the fuck?"

Julia the went on to talk about Tom's illustrous film career, "I love the Cohen brothers, but the hair Tom [in 2004's Ladykillers], I didn't even know what the fuck that movie was about! "You in the airport with the accent (she's talking about Terminal)? It was a pass for me. Airport? Were you just an immigrant lost? I didn't know. I love you, and I didn't know what to do, really. God, I’m wearing the same fucking dress tonight as your publicist! Listen, I've got to get home. But this much we know ... I will say this: Tom Hanks, I love you."

Before falling off the edge of the stage in a drunken stupor, Julia told the audience, "It's so dark out there, I feel like I’m in space. Thank you, whoever just made it light. J.J. Abrams, are you here?"

Julia Roberts is awesome for that. When did Julia Roberts become my auntie giving an impromptu speech about how much she loves her pet ferrett at Thanksgiving dinner after downing a whole box of Franzia? I don't know if that made any sense, because I think I got contact drunk after reading Julia's rant.

You know that after she got home, she crawled into bed with her kids and practically suffocated them with her hot booze bref kisses! She slobbered on them and said, "I luuuuvz youuuz sooo soo mu-uuuch." I used to love when my mom did that.

Seriously, Julia needs to do shit like this more often!

UPDATE: And here's the video!

Here's some of the hos who got to witness Julia's ridiculousness last night.