I don't even know why I'm typing words here, because I'm sure that as soon as you saw the name "Jon Hamm," your eyeballs shot out of their sockets cartoon-style and slapped against the screen to see if the Hammaconda made an appearance in this post.
After the skinny Fred Flinstone cried and whined to Rolling Stone about how all of us sucio pervs need to take our eyes off of his dick, I figured he was going to tuck it tight between his legs since nobody is really looking at his ass and wouldn't notice his new wiggling tail. But nope, the Hammaconda is still free. Jon Hamm went for a walk with his Hammaconda, his partner Jennifer Westfeldt and his dog Cora in Los Angeles today. Cora is either sedated as shit or she's gone through some serious training, because most dogs would mistake the Hammaconda for a weasel riding a weasel and attack that bitch.
Rolling Stone brought up the long, thick, veiny circumcised elephant in Jon Hamm's pants and asked him how he feels about the fact that his jaw-breaking Hammaconda has launched a dozen Tumblrs and has become a bigger (in every sense of the word) star than him. Jon finished feeding his Hammaconda its daily lunch of raw steak and live mice before saying that he thinks it's very rude and inappropriate for hos to constantly obsess over his two ton dick. But you probably didn't read that sentence since you were too busy morning dreaming about running naked through a lavender field with Jon's Hammcock as a spring rain falls on the both of you. Pop that dream bubble and read what Jon had to say about how we're all sucking his dick with our eyes:
"Most of it's tongue-in-cheek. But it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have - a prurience. They're called 'privates' for a reason. I'm wearing pants, for fuck's sake. Lay off. I mean, it's not like I'm a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn't part of the deal ... But whatever. I guess it's better than being called out for the opposite."
"I really feel for you, Jon" said Christina Hendricks as the one millionth Tumblr dedicated to her magnificent chichis goes up and a fan asks her right nipple if it can autograph his ass.
Jon can easily get all of us gutter-brained sucio pervs to stop talking about his Great Wall of China dick if he just puts on several pairs of Spanx panties or he can shut us up by showing us his co.... Wait, what were we talking about again? I lost my train of thought when it crashed right into Jon's mega mega dick.
You are not among the living if you don't immediately start searching for any signs of the Hamm steak as soon as you see a picture of its owner Jon Hamm. It's a natural reaction. Just like knuckling yourself in the eyeball is a natural reaction to seeing the name "Kardashian." You just knuckled yourself in the eyeball, right? If only you could put the Hamm steak on it to stop the swelling.
The cock-blocking executives at AMC must've told Jon Hamm to shove his crotch beast in a bowl of ice before sticking it between his ass cheeks and holding it down with metal chains, because it did not make a grand appearance at last night's season 6 premiere of Mad Men. Those bitches at AMC just don't appreciate what they have, because they should've rolled out the red carpet for Jon Hamm's big dick. Hell, they should've rolled Jon Hamm's big dick out and used it as the red carpet.
Except for the little girl, mostly everybody looked like hell last night. Christina Hendricks covered up her magnificent chichis and dressed like an 85-year-old Italian widow. January Jones looked like a sad Popsicle. And Vincent Kartheiser's guinea pig comb over is just dreadful. I'm assuming that they all looked like shit on purpose, because they wanted all of the attention to go to the true star of the show, the Hammaconda. And it didn't even show up. It's a sad day for us all and AMC can eat some cold ass in hell for that.
Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night's Hammaconda-less Mad Men premiere party. In order: Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, John Slattery, Vincent Kartheiser, Kiernan Shipka, Alison Brie, Christina Hendricks, January Jones, Jessica Pare, Teyonah Parris and Ben Feldman.
The Hammaconda is living the life. It gets to hang out Jon Hamm all the time, it gets to get hand hugged by Jon Hamm regularly, it gets to go shopping, it gets to go to Hawaii and most important of all it gets to do all of that while not being suffocated in a pair of tight white chonies. But the evil, huge peen-hating executives at AMC (stands for A Motherfucking Cockhater) want to change all that. They're saying that Jon Hamm's free falling crotch snake has become distracting and they want him to put on some panties. They just won't let Jon Hamm's big dick be great. Cock blocking bitches.
A source tells the NYDN that Don Draper's pants have become a little more fitted this season, so there's nowhere for the Hammaconda to hide. The source says that when they shot in Hawaii and Jon Hamm had to wear tiny shorts, his cervix-cracking peen really came out to play and it made the whole crew giggle. They also had to Photoshop his bulge away in all of the promo posters for the new season. The source went on to say this shit:
“This season takes place in the 1960s, where the pants are very tight and leave little to the imagination. Jon’s impressive anatomy is so distracting that they politely insisted on underwear. His privates are the inside joke. [He] knows what he’s got.”
When the NYDN asked Jon Hamm's rep about this act of injustice against his big dick, they didn't laugh and said that everybody needs to grow up and stop acting like 12-year-olds.
“It is ridiculous and not really funny at all. I’d appreciate you taking the high road and not resorting to something childish like this that’s been blogged about 1,000 times.”
Oh, please. I'm sure Jon Hamm's rep has close-up pictures of the Hammaconda wallpapered on every wall of their powder room like the rest of us do. But really, AMC can try to tame Jon Hamm's Mt. Everest bulge, but it's not going to happen. They can bind it down, they can wrap a frozen condom around it and they can even show it a picture of Kim Kardashian's chocha to make it scurry between Jon Hamm's legs, but eventually it will rise above and be seen. What I'm saying is that Jon Hamm's huge dick has outgrown Mad Men and needs its own show.
Or the executives of AMC can just give Jon's schlong its own dressing room so it has somewhere to hang out while he's shooting scenes. And yes, that's your cue to put a sign that reads "The Hammaconda's Dressing Room" above your mouth.
The Shrine Auditorium is still standing today and that means that Anne Hathaway won the SAG Award for Best Supporting Actress, because if she didn't she would've screamed and bawled until the entire building collapsed into a pile of dust and tears. To accept her 699th award of the year, the 15-year-old theater nerd trapped in the body of an Anne Hathaway wore a see-through skirt over a shorty cocktail dress covered in black aquarium rocks.
I don't know how to feel about this dress. On one hand, that skirt might be detachable and I have serious feelings about skirts that detach. It looks like something Lucille Ball would've worn to a funeral party in the 80s. On the other hand, methinks that skirt wasn't detachable, because if it was it would've detached itself from that annoying ass ho as she gave another annoying ass acceptance speech (click here to see it). Bitch is always out of breath and she tries really hard to come across as humble, but she's about as humble as Kanye West.
On a positive note, I am starting to like the mop on Anne Hathaway's head. She obviously goes to the same barber as John Krasinski. If she shaved her sides, she'd have Justin Timberlake hair. I bet during commercials breaks, Justin and Anne shared a flat iron and a can of AquaNet in the ladies lounge.
Here's a few pictures from last night's SAGs. In order!: Peter Pan in funeral drag, Jaimie Alexander, Dr. Blossom, Jessica Chastain, B. Coop, Marion Cotillard, Claire Danes, a construction worker, Michelle Dockery, Nurse Jackie, Tina Fey, Jennifer Garner, the owner of the Hammaconda with Jennifer Westfeldt, Julianne Marguiles, Taye Diggs with Idina Menzel, Julianne Moore, Amy Poehler, Amanda Seyfried, Timberlake, Sofia Vergara and Naomi Watts.
I know, ANOTHER post about this election shit. But this one isn't really about the election. It's an excuse to post this picture of Jon Hamm's hamm log getting all patriotic and shit at an Obama rally. You can't tell from this picture, but Jon's obese crotch hose is wearing an Uncle Sam top hat.
“I had a 13 year old girl come up to me in Colorado -this is a dead true story- and say, 'Well, you’re a wealthy white male… why are you here?' And I was like, first of all, that’s the greatest question I’ve been asked on this entire tour. But secondly, she had conflated somehow in her head that only people vote for their own kind. And I made sure to tell her that that’s absolutely not the case. I vote for what I think is best for all of us. Not simply for me. And that’s unfortunately the message that the other side wants to get across, is you just take care of yourself and you build a fence around yourself and no one else gets help. That’s not how I was raised, that’s not the America I wanna live in and that’s not the America that I believe in.”
Jon Hamm didn't say the other reason why he's rallying for Obama. One day while he was spooning with his dick, his peen turned its head around and nuzzled into his neck for a second before whispering in his ear, "Vote for Obama, it'll make me extra happy for the next for the next four years." This is a very important endorsement since Jon's Hammcock is the current sitting President of West Coast Peens.
And here's Jon Hamm and his partner Jennifer Westfeldt leaving Little Dom's restaurant in L.A. last night. If Obama wins this election, Jon Hamm better take to the streets to play "Yankee Doodle Dandy" on his extra long skin harmonica (hammonica?).
It's SO true that from our 20s to our 40s, most of us will grow 10 inches taller and completely change in the face. So that's why it makes sense that Daniel Radcliffe and Jon Hamm are playing the younger and older version of the same character in A Young Doctor's Notebook, a mini-series that will air on Britain's Sky Arts in December. Just from looking at the pictures of Jon Hamm, this mini-series looks like it's about a man who gets addicted to the wrong kind of meth, gets involuntarily locked up in a methadone clinic for years and escapes wearing only his clinic gown and a swollen pair of junkie bags under his eyes. But that's not what it's about. The Daily Mail has the plot:
The semi-autobiographical series tells of his experiences as a young doctor working in the small village of Muryovo at the beginning of the Russian Revolution in 1917. Jon Hamm plays the older doctor, who experiences a series of comical exchanges with his younger self, played by Daniel Radcliffe. The Doctor looks back on his life and career by looking through his notebooks, as he tries to treat the patients of a village that is struggling to enter the modern age.
My eyes scanned that paragraph several times and nowhere in there did I see the sentence, "And then they make out with tongues in a tub." What good is putting DanRad and Jon Hamm in a tub together if they don't touch tongues? Screw this movie. I'm not going to watch that shit. Instead, I'm going to look at that picture and imagine DanRad's peen and Jon Hamm's peen in an underwater staring contest. (SPOILER ALERT: DanRad's peen will lose when Jon's gigantic Hamm log eats it.)
So when Jon Hamm goes to Hawaii, does he become Jon Spamm? (Yes, I'll GONG myself since I know your hands are busy right now.)
Jon Hamm's triple decker dick has a cock lei of jasmine on and is lying on a lounge chair on the beach in Maui while sipping a Mai Tai, because Jon Hamm and Jessica Pare are in Hawaii right now shooting seasons for the next season of Mad Men. The truth is, these pictures really ain't shit since they've tucked the Hammaconda and held it down using industrial-strength tape so we can't really see it. But at least Jon Hamm is showing off the extra fluffy muff on his chest and you know his thigh high tan lines make him look real sexy.
I see you darting your eyes between that water bottle and Jon Hamm's peen log to compare their sizes. Would it help if I told you that half of Jon Hamm's tube of Pillsbury rolls is hibernating up into his taint?
The magical thing about Jon's honey-baked Hamm log is that it's always looks like something different. Sometimes it looks like an obese weasel playing peek-a-boo in a bowl of key limes. Sometimes it looks like a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast sliding off of a plate. And while Jon was taking it for a walk yesterday, it looked like a fetus in an ultrasound scan. It's like Jon's dick is always playing a game of charades with us. Jon's piece is truly a lucky woman, because every time she pulls his pants down, she doesn't know if a giant skin pretzel or a curling kielbasa is going to land on her forehead.
And I also threw in some pictures of Jon at an event at the Paley Center yesterday. How many times do you think a trick asked Jon Hamm if she could wipe that white powder off of his face with her chocha.
Yeah, I know that picture choice is as bizarre as all the choices I make on this site, but I have a reason! The only right picture for this story is a picture of a drunk Tina Fey shaking the hand of an imaginary person while Amy Poehler's mouth tries to keep itself from hosting a drunk barf party and Jon Hamm has an intense conversation with his Hamm sausage (or maybe he's getting an imaginary beej or maybe his Hamm sausage is juggling party nuts).
Since Honey Boo Boo and Uncle Poodle are already booked to host the Oscars, who ever is in charge of choosing hosts for the Golden Globes chose Tina Fey and Amy Poehler! Ricky Gervais is out. The president of NBC announced this last night:
“Having both Tina Fey and Amy Poehler on board to host this year’s festivities is a major coup. Tina and Amy have a proven chemistry and comedic timing from their many years together on SNL to their successful co-starring roles in Baby Mama.”
YAAAASSSS! The only way this news could be better is if NBC also announced that this year's Miss Golden Globes is Jon Hamm's peen. Yes, Jon Hamm's peen is a girl and yes SHE can hold a trophy, because she has hands. She's the peen that can jack herself off.