Dumbasses

37-year-old Megan Mariah Barnes was arrested last week in Florida after she caused a two-car crash on the highway, because she was shaving her bikini line behind the wheel. If that doesn't make your crotch hairs twitch, it gets better. While Megan was busy shaving her coochie coo, her ex-husband, who was sitting in the passenger seat, held the steering wheel for her.

One day before the shave and crash, Megan was convicted of DUI and driving with a suspended license, so she shouldn't have been driving in the first place.

The officer at the scene told KeyNews.com (via HuffPo) that Megan told him she was shaving her business on the road, because she was "meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit."

Megan was charged with driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance.

Okay, these are my questions:

1. Is "I'll just shave my pussy in the car" the new "I'll just put my lipstick on in the car"?
2. Why couldn't Megan's ex-husband drive the car while she got her vagina sex-ready in the backseat? That's how a real lady does it.
3. Megan's ex-husband sniffs gas, right? Because who in Trish Cyrus Hell would hold the wheel while their ex-wife cleans up her punane to do fuck times with her boyfriend?!
4. Megan sniffs gas, right?
5. Couldn't Megan just spread a little Nair on her crotch before getting into the car and let it eat her pubes while she drove to the Super 8 to meet her boyfriend?
5. Megan obviously cares about maintaining her pussay situation at any cost, but why isn't she showing any love to those wrong ass ROOTS?! Bitch should've been touching up her roots in the car instead!

And just when I think Florida has given all it has to give, it gives even more. If Florida needed me to hold the steering wheel while it shaved its cooze in the car, I'd gladly do it.

The soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning The National Enquirer has struck again! They are officially the most feared bitch amongst cheating ass husbands. Joey Greco just faked stabbed himself.

In their latest issue, they say that Lost's own Dr. Jack allegedly stepped out on his wife of 18 years Margherita Ronchi with a 26-year-old titty dancer he met while filming a movie in Bend, Oregon. The stripper in question, Stefani Talbott, not only spilled the jizz to the Enquirer, but she also ran off to InTouch too. Hey, when life gives you a married celebrity, you fuck that bitch and then sell your story to anybody who waves a dollar at you. The new wall-to-wall carpet in your townhouse is not going to pay for itself.

Stefanie told the Enquirer, "Yes, I've been having an affair with Matthew Fox. We had sex together. I've kept voice mails and text messages from him."

Their romance first bloomed like a 1-day-old genital wart, when she caught Matthew's eye while she was thrusting her snatch on stage at Stars Cabaret. Stefanie told InTouch about the beautiful moment, “I was dancing onstage, and I made eye contact with him immediately. I got so excited. He asked me, ‘Why are you working in a place like this?’ I told him that I am a single mom and needed the money.”

Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard? It's like that part in West Side Story when Tony first laid eyes on Maria at the dance. But instead of snapping fingers, Stefanie's snatch made the cash register sound.

Later that night, Stefani left her 5-year-old kid with the baby sitter and met Matthew at his rented home to consummate their love. Stefani said, “He didn’t tell me to keep it a secret or anything. He didn’t even use protection. (Ed note: Pregnancy announcement in 3...2..) He didn’t seem concerned at all."

For the record, Matthew's rep denies the story and says it is made of lies.

Only dumb ass Jack would cheat on his wife and leave behind electronic evidence! Sawyer would be smart enough to hit it, quit it and forget it! Ben would immediately turn back the wheel of time. Locke would scare the stripper into secrecy by staring at her for about 10-seconds. And the Smoke Monster, well he's a snob, so he would never tap a stripper.

And since we're on the subject of Lost, can I just tell you how happy I am to see that one of Brit Brit's old swap weaves is still getting work:

(Claire pic via Videogum)

The war between East Coast and West Coast fired up again in Vancouver on Monday when former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney battled against Sky Blu (which is also my favorite condom shade) from the "rap" (for lack of a better word) group LMFAO.

TMZ says that shit got LOLish when Sky Blu (which is also the name of my cousin's favorite drink at T.G.I. Friday's) reclined his seat while the plane was still on the tarmac. Mitt Romney immediately started screaming at Sky Blu (which would also be my name if I was a tranny bar girl in Thailand) to put his seat back up, because his wife was seated directly behind Sky. When Mitt took it to the next level by grabbing Sky's shoulder, his hand was met by a slap from Sky. This prompted officials to board the plane and escort Sky off.

Mitt's spokeswhore said that Sky tried to take a "swing" at him. But Sky said he's the victim here, "He grabbed my shoulder, and I was like boom get off of me. The man assaulted me. I was protecting myself."

I'm not going to take a side, but I am going to ask where Kevin Smith was when we all needed him?! Kevin would've put an end to this foolishness by sitting on both of them. BOOM and BOOM. And then he would've uploaded a 24-part rant about the incident on YouTube.

(Images via Flickr)

This week's POOP (nourish the inner asshole) newsletter teaches you how to get rid of your "batwings" using the Tracy Anderson Method. Now, I always thought the Tracy Anderson Method of toning your arms involved shoveling millions of dollars of other people's money into your own wheel barrow. What I'm saying is that bitch is a money-stealing fraud. But for shits, read what Fishsticks has to say:

Many of you may already know of my passion for the Tracy Anderson Method and my investment in it. She has kicked my formerly sagging ass (Ed note: Fishsticks will forever be a giant sagging ass. Nice try, though) into shape and I will be forever grateful. This week, Tracy shares with us a little arm series that I did everyday preparing for Iron Man and that I take on the road. She just made it home-made style for me, lo fi. But it's good. Especially for the batwing problem. Also, some of her dedicated clients talk about why they love her as much as I do. She has some brand new DVD's that I have been doing in my hotel room on location and which I highly recommend.

Could this ho be anymore pretentious? In my hotel room on location?! You LO FI BITCH, stay on location forever. And preferably a location with no wireless internet or any other form of communication (that includes carrier pigeons and campfires).

Anyways, here are the lo fi batwing-biotics Fishy does from her hotel room when she's on location, as presented by Tracy Anderson:

I have a feeling that Tracy The Thief has struck again. Tracy didn't invent this technique. I'm pretty sure this is what it looks like when Fishsticks tries to have sex with Chris Martin.

And don't try this at home or your (fill in the name of your boyfriend, cat, or imaginary friend here) will think you're crazy....er.

via HuffPo

Drop whatever you're doing (aka nothing) and get to work on a "Can We Keep Pete Wentz Like This Forever" petition! This IS the look for Pete. Actually, it's the only look for Pete.

At the end of Pete Wentz's (or "Cock Blocker" if your name is Papa Joe) fashion show for his clothing line Clandestine Industries in NYC yesterday, he was wheeled out Hannibal Lecter style. This is Dulcolax's answer to Hannibal Lecter. Hannibal Rectum. Instead of eating a human liver with fava beans, Hannibal Rectum eats Asshole Simpson's asshole. And that's worse than cannibalism.

The truth is, whoever gave Pete Wentz a clothing line should be forced to wear this straitjacket and mask FOR LIFE!

Mischa Barton took a break from doing absolutely nothing to take a few hits of something something before heading to lunch with some skeazy-looking dude (her weedman)?

I don't know if Mischa is smoking the good shit, tobacco or what's left of her career. Who knows, but the paps claim she didn't toke and drive. They say Mischa pulled over, puffed away and then went inside. Nothing to see here. Besides, I'm not sure if the cops would've arrested her ass since they already got the memo that reads: "Mischa Barton can't even get arrested in this town!" Sorry for that. I think I'm getting contact high from these pictures.

Heather Mills has confessed that she's pretty much blown through her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney in less than two years. As soon as the money dropped into her checking account, Heather said she immediately handed it over to various charities. You know, because she's like the Robin Hood of gold digging whores.

Heather said on a show called Shrink Rap (via DS), "Most of it's been given to charity, gone into ethical businesses or paid for a couple of properties for my daughter's future security. I could never sit with millions of pounds in the bank that could make matters change."

That quote right there should cause Paul McCartney to legally change his name, buy a new social security number online, move to the Artic and keep all of his money in a box made out of bloody beef steaks, because Heather is hopping back for more. It's only a matter of time before she drags Paul back to court to drop another glass of water on his lawyer's head and collect another bag of money.

Joe Rogan, who got famous for yelling at hos to drink the rat milkshake faster on Fear Factor, has himself a little admirer. An admirer who peeks at his peen in the locker room after Jiu-Jitsu training. Joe tries to play like this bothers his ass, but you know he wants everyone's eyeballs glued to his "hog." But let's play along with Joe.

Joe decided that it was time to catch the hog watcher by recording him in the act. This is where it starts to get really weird. A huge part me (mostly every part but my no-no) thinks this is staged. Why would the boy be so damn obvious while a camera is on him? I know that whenever I play a game of peek-a-peen in the locker room, I always disguise myself as a pile of towels. This kid isn't even trying. But he's probably only staring because Joe's dick is shaped like a pig's tail, which would explain why he keeps calling it a "hog."

And you may want to turn down the volume before hitting play on this wreck. Unless your name is David Beckham, you probably aren't used to the sound of pigs snorting.

via Videogum

This is supposed to be Katie Price's week with Harvey Price and the other rugrats, but she dumped them on the nannies to fly to Vegas with her cross-dressing, hemorrhoid-faced boyfriend Alex Reid. ILLEGAL! May the bitch catch food poisoning from an all-you-can-eat buffet (might I suggest the Excalibur's buffet), because only an evil demoness with a soul as dark as John Mayer's penis would leave Harvey!

The Sun reports that when Peter Andre heard Katie left the kids behind, he immediately farted the dildo out of his butt and ran to pick them up! One of Peter's friends said, "It's absolutely outrageous the way she behaves with the kids sometimes. They are an afterthought."

And why is Katie in Las Vegas anyway? Well, some think that Katie and Alex will elope this weekend, because this is what she recently wrote in OK! Magazine: "This year I will marry Alex and I'm going to have his kids."

I'm sure Alex will make a precious bride, but Katie really is made of pure hate if she's going to throw a wedding without Harvey there to officiate the ceremony and serenade her with a chorus of "Fuck Offs" as she walks down the aisle. A new low.

Here's the devil incarnate arriving at Vegas' McCarran Airport with Alex Reid. Ugh. Alex always looks like he's trying to give birth to a basketball-sized shit.

Happy Groundhog Day! Or should I say, Happy KICK A Groundhog Day, because ugly ass Punxsutawney Phil crawled out of his ugly ass house this morning and saw his ugly ass shadow. This means that you will be jizzing icicles and farting up frost for the next six weeks.

The graveyard-shift prostitutes of America need to direct their hate towards Phil, because he's the sole reason why they will continue to get frostbite on their nipples while sucking peen in a back alley. It's Phil's fault!

To be fair to Phil, he must be filled with stress from hos bothering his ass every year about this shadow thing. It's high time that he retires somewhere warm and zen-like where he can chant freely and find his chi. I hear Richard Gere's colon is lovely year-round. Maybe those crazies at Peta have the right idea after all.