How Should I Feel?

It is truly a sad, sad day for demure beauties who like to wear coochie cutters with UGGs and a bridal thong bikini to their wedding, because one of the vanguards of the modern-day whore look, Pamela Anderson, told Buzzfeed at the International Beauty Show in NYC on Monday that since she's getting older, she's decided to tone down her signature look a little bit. To which I say, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Canadian pearl says that for years, hos have been trying to get her to take off the fake eyelashes and put on more clothes. Pamela always told them to fuck off, because she knows what glamour is and glamour IS looking like a seasoned boardwalk hooker who doesn't mind a little sand in her oyster. But now that Pamela is creeping toward 50, she says that she's gettin' a little too old for that whorey look, darlin'.

Buzzfeed: When in your life did you first feel beautiful?

Pamela: Well, it wasn't today (laughs). I'm kidding. Oh, god, I don't know if I ever really felt beautiful. I always feel like I don't — I don't, really.

Buzzfeed: You're something of a beauty maximalist. So do people ever try to make you under?

Pamela: Actually a lot of people, especially when I was on Baywatch. They were insisting that I didn't wear eyelashes, but I said, "I have my look, this is what I'm comfortable in." Sometimes my eyelashes would roll up onto the beach and that's all that would be left of me. But I was determined to be glamorous. Oh, I loved it, I LOVED it. I thought, "If you're going to be on TV, and if you're gonna be out and glamorous, the natural look can stay at home. If we're gonna do this, let's have fun with it!" I actually just did a shoot lately, and they took all the makeup off and put me in a ponytail, and I said, "Well, OK, we'll try that."

Buzzfeed: How did you feel about it?

Pamela: Well, everyone was happy about it and liked it, and so, well, we'll see what it looks like. It was Mario Testino, so I can't argue with him! And he loved it, so, we'll see.

Buzzfeed: So people try to tone down your sex appeal because you're known for being so hot?

Pamela: I don't know if it's because I'm so hot, but they definitely try to tone down my sex appeal. I think it's time, though — you know, you grow up and you change your look. I feel different from how I did in my Playboy days. Now, I think I'm in charge of toning down my look or not. I feel like as I'm getting older, this is my version of toned down (gestures to hair and outfit). I like it.

To which I say again, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Okay, if Pamela Anderson wants to turn her back on a community of old whores who have looked up to her all these years by covering her body and doing her hair up like a Shih Tzu caught in a tornado, then that's fine. But if she turns her back on all the white girl cholas by erasing her praying mantis leg eyebrows, I will never ever forgive her!

Just when I was getting super comfy in my disdain for them, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to go and rain on my hate parade. Whyyyyyy??? Rivers are running backwards, suns are shining at midnight and dog shit is turning to rainbows!! I'm more confused than the time I was getting down to it with this super hot guy and reached down to find that he somehow had his pinky in his pants. No dick on his hand either, I checked. Saaaad face.

There's a piece in entertainmentwise about them spending £25,000 to turn an outbuilding on their French estate from a fisherman's cottage to a den of SUCIO!!! complete with a right kind of toy box and sex swing with stirrups. Somebody's been reading 50 Shades. I tried to hate on it by screaming WON'T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHIIIILDREEEN but then read on and it's on the edge of the property, and they even sound-proofed it so the kids can't hear Brad's blood curdling screams if Angie rips his head off and eats it after sex like preying mantises (manti??) are prone to do. So, I guess I have to...love it and even...be kind of jealous?? It burns.

There have been rumors that they were putting off their wedding because of Angie's cold feet but maybe her feet were just cold because the sex swing stirrups were too tight? I don't know what to think right now.

Wait. The Sun cites a source as saying:

“They disappear down there, telling their kids they’re going out for some fresh air. Brad comes back looking like the cat that got the cream and they are giggly for the rest of the day,”

Okay, BARF. Thank GOD I can go back to hating on them a little.

You know that sick, insecure feeling you get when you roll up to your piece's job (or drive thru, whatever) and get a look at their hotter than you coworker? And there they are, doing teamwork shit and laughing, and being way too close to each other you're trying to wish that bitch away like the kid in Creepshow? And then you break up later and he starts humping on said piece, or maybe they'd been boning in the walk in cooler all along? Well US says that Demi Moore is just like us, except with a lot more money and a lot less sense.

An insider named Demi tells US Magazine that Demi has the sads that her almost ex Ashton Kutcher and his old 70's Show castmate Mila Kunis are doing it. DUH. I'd like to throw some shade, but I kind of feel sorry for her ass. It has to suck to work so hard tweeting bikini pics of yourself, getting fillers, doing chicken dances and all that only to have to hand your hubby over to THAT SHADY WORK BITCH in the end. I just hope she can put it in perspective, realize that this is fucking KELSO we're talking about and just be glad that Mila took that stank trash to the curb for her.

Demi needs to throw on her best fuck me pumps, down a couple of Red Bulls, huff a can of whipped cream and get her sad ass back on the stroll. As all old hoes know, the best way to get over a piece is to get under a new one.

Sarah Jessica Parker, Madge and Sylvester Stallone all have fields of bulging veins that make their arms look like a peen-shaped jellyfish in a penis pump, but they still don't have it like Hugh JackMeOff has it. Twentieth Century Fox pushed out this first still from the Wolverine sequel, which comes out next year, of Hugh looking like if Freddy Krueger got a full body skin graft, got his hair done by Pauly D and did nothing but snort Hydroxycut and weight lift entire Bowflex machines for 6 months straight. Dude has muscles on every inch of his body and beyond. If I put a magnifying glass over his hair, I'd probably see biceps on each individual strand.

Hugh's abs are insane and he's definitely giving drug mules ideas. Something tells me many TSA agents will hear the line, "No, I didn't surgically implant long bags of cokes under my stomach skin, I just work out a lot." And Hugh's arms are delicious and I'm only saying that, because they look like cabbage rolls stuffed with beef.

via Coming Soon 

To honor her late Gran Gran Dolly, who took the escalator up to heaven this past July, RiRi spendt hours getting a gigantic tattoo under her chichis area of the Goddess Isis. Because nothing says "I love you forever" like an under titty tattoo that in 50 years will look like a mangy, tattered pigeon that was shot down by a pellet gun.

RiRi should've moved that tattoo up so the wings are over her chichis. That way when she jumped up and down, Goddess Isis would've looked like she's freely flying through the sky. Now THAT would be the ultimate homage to Gran Gran Dolly. RiRi posted the picture of her new tattoo on Instagram with his note:

Goddess Isis- Complete Woman - Model for future generations- #GRANGRANDOLLY - always in and on my heart #1love

RiRi does have the right idea. As soon as I save up enough Valium pills to deal with getting pricked in the face over and over again (and not in a sexy way), I'm going to honor my abuelita by getting the image of a flying chancla tattooed over my mouth.

And here's RiRi in London last night looking like Peaches from A Low Down Dirty Shame.

The complete mind fuck that is the American Horror Story-like makeover of The Munsters called Mockingbird Lane continues to fuck minds with the casting of Lily Munster. Bryan Singer and Bryan Fuller, who are responsible for the reboot, should've cast Colleen Williams or Joe Perry as Lily since they both already have the hair for it, but they cast Mandy Rogers (glamorized stage name: Portia De Rossi)  instead.

Deadline says that Portia got the role after ABC Studios refused to let Lorena from True Blood out of her contract with that Devious Maids mess, which might be headed for Lifetime. Yeah, so Lorena from True Blood is totally farting in somebody's coffee mug today. Portia will put on a luscious skunk wig to play Lily alongside Jerry O'Connell as Herman, Eddie Izzard as Grandpa Munster, Charity Wakefield as Marilyn and Mason Cook as Eddie. The pilot for NBC apparently started shooting yesterday.

Just like the time my friend put a white trash daiquiri (an orange Icee and Bacardi) in front of me, Mockingbird Lane sort of weirds me out but I could get into it. Well, if anything at least I get to see Portia dragged up as a goth chola who listens to way too much Morrissey.

Here's Ellen DeGeneres and Portia looking like the first place and runner-up of a David Spade look-alike contest while walking around in L.A. the other day.

Sad news for those of you sick fucks who were looking forward to watching Fear Factor's donkey show episode while enjoying a spread of spoiled horchata and Miller Lite (aka donkey piss). NBC has erased the episode from its schedule and will air a rerun instead. So America will not get to watch a bunch of dumb ass contestants do what Joe Rogan did to get that job.

TMZ summoned a hundred donkey side-eyes when they said last week that Fear Factor's season finale episode had a stunt where the contestants had to guzzle down beer jugs full of donkey piss and donkey-flavored baby batter. As of last week, NBC executives were going back on forth over whether or not they should air the "ass to mouth" episode, but sometime during the weekend they decided to kill it completely. They scrubbed a preview for the episode from their website and already changed channel guides to list the re-run as the episode that will play tonight. TMZ asked NBC's chairman for a comment and he said this:

"I reviewed the episode late last week and decided it was a segment we should not air."

I don't know if this is good news or bad news for those ass jizz-guzzling contestants. On one hand, if the episode aired, they'd forever be known as the hos with donkey spunk breath and drunk donkeys looking for a quickie would kick at their back door at all hours of the night. But on the other hand, the world knowing that they will swallow some disgusting ass shit will do wonders for their personal lives and probably get them a cameo on Jersey Shore. We'll never know.

And if you were looking forward to watching a bunch of tricks drink donkey sperm, you can watch the next best thing instead. You can watch a fake crying donkey throw up a bunch of bull shit. I'm talking about this (skip to the 2:15 mark):

via Buzzfeed

It was over a year ago when Aaron Carter challenged your claim to fap to anything when he posted a shirtless picture of himself looking like an HGH-addicted clitoris with Madonna arms. Aaron had the six-pack that meth built. But at Angels & Kings in NYC last night, the beats he threw down were so hot (your eye roll goes here and load the next on) that he ripped off his sequined blouse (your second eye roll goes here) from International Male and showed the paps that he no longer has a body straight out of the pages of Bodies of Meth Weekly.

The ghost of Justin Bieber's future has completely dried out, so he says, and unlike a year ago you couldn't tweak out from snorting up his sweat. Aaron is totally a Nancy Reagan kind of drug-free and he has a "frat boy porn star turned freelance car mechanic" body to show for it. Or maybe Aaron's got an "XY Magazine model turned day-shift bartender at a Long Beach gay club" body.

And that has to be a stick-on happy trail wig on Aaron's body, because I refuse to believe that it's possible for a Carter to grow body hair. They don't even have to follicles down there. The meth ate 'em!

So the speculation is true. Despite a denial an few hours ago that all was sunshine and rainbows and nobody was getting served walking papers, TMZ now says that cromagnon Russell Brand filed for divorce from Crayola titties Katy Perry today in LA, citing "irreconcilable differences". Well they're both pretty irreconcialably um, "different" so this is not much of a shock.

I hate to go on a right to gay marriage rant (no I don't) but they were married in October of last year. Sinead and her hubby called it quits after just a couple of weeks. The divine Liz Taylor was married eight times. So what the fuck is this "sanctity" people scream about? People promise to stay together until death, but then won't even honor the promise by hiring a hit-man. Lazy. Seriously, shit like this right here makes me wonder why the gays aren't allowed to break contracts left and right like us straights.

That's why I just live in sin, sleeping with anyone with a six pack and a couple of joints. It's so much easier to just sneak out a window half dressed in the middle of the night than show up in court and divide my shit up. And yes, I do feel the burning shame of giving Russell and Katy so much time in the precious Dlisted spotlight. Or is that the burn in my no-no region from my last drunk hook-up? Whatever, it hurts.

When I was in high school, one of my friends would screw around with her ginger twat of a boyfriend almost every day after class at her house. That's the set up. So one day I was lying on her bed and my eyes caught a glimmery pile of what I thought was orange thread, but it was actually her dude's pubes scattered on her top sheet. The first line that came out of my mouth was something like, "Clean that shit up, you nasty whore." She looked at me seriously and said, "I like to sleep on top of his red pubes at night. It makes me feel close to him." I mean... If Romeo was a ginge, Shakespeare would've made Juliet recite that line to her nurse. So now whenever I think of pubes of fire, I think of my high school friend spooning a pile of them in her bed, which leads me to this story about Olympic-winning snowboarder Shaun White....

TMZ says that in the near future you might get a few pieces of Shaun White's naked ass body, because someone is trying to sell pictures of him to the highest bidder. The pictures were apparently taken at a party back in 2009. In one picture, Shaun is completely clothed and making out with some chick. In a second picture, Shaun and the chick are naked and hugging on top of a bed. TMZ has seen the pictures and want you to know that yes, Shaun's also got a wild red fern growing out of his crotch. The carpet matches the drapes.

Shaun White looks like the love child of my two favorite things on this planet (Carrot Top and Night Mare from Casper), so of course I want to eat these pictures with my eyes. I bet his crotch looks like an uncooked dough cigar lying on a bed of saffron and I bet his ass looks like tiny people carrying torches up a snowy mountain cap. Yes, I bet his ass hairs are legendary! Stick a thermometer in me, because I'm already getting the fevah!