Dumbasses

If the first thing you saw in the morning were two paintings of A-Roidy as a Centaur, you'd probably crawl back under your sheets and pray that the end is swift and painless. When A-Roidy wakes up and sees himself as a Centaur, he creams his sheets (smells like pimple jizz, Jeter saliva and protein dust). That's what one of his exes claims anyway. She told UsWeekly that A-Roidy has two special works of FART of himself hanging over his bed in his boudoir.

She said, "He was so vain. He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure? It was ridiculous."

This is ridiculous and hilarious at the same time. Dude is like a skeezy pimp character that Krissy Snow dated on Three's Company.

A-Roidy probably didn't stop with the paintings either. I'm sure he has satin bed sheets of him as an angel carrying a baby A-rod. And a fur throw made from his pubic hairs. You also know he has those touch lamps from the 80s that feature his face in stained glass. And don't get me started on his bathroom. Doesn't an A-Roidy toilet seem so fitting?

Dear Bronx Mowgli, now is your chance to file emancipation. There's not one judge in all the land that won't rule in your favor once you crawl up to the bench and hand them this picture as EXHIBIT ALL OF THE ABOVE!

Pete Wentz lost a bet to Gabriel Saporta (of Cobra Starship) last night which cost him space on his arm. Yes, Pete got Gabriel's face tattooed on his person. Pete explained his new skidmark on his Twitter:

my head hurts. i was buzzed lightyear last night. followed thru on a gentlemens bet w/@gabrielsaporta now i have 1 more bad tattoo.

We've all made some bad decisions in life while booze was running through our system. We have the bruises and babies to prove it, but don't ever ever put the blame on the sweet nectar of the gods. Why does delicious alcohol always take the fall for natural fuckery?

And I might be a little drunk myself since I laughed at "buzzed lightyear." Ugh. There I go blaming the booze.

P.S. - Go ahead and file this picture under: Why The Fuck Do You Have a Kid?

VIA ONTD

It wasn't long ago that Lamar Odom immediately fell in love with Khloe Kardashian while watching her gnaw into the carcass of a warthog in an open field. At that beautiful moment Lamar knew Khloe was the love of his life. Shortly thereafter the two married in a lavish wedding that was as real as Bruce Jenner's face.

Because getting married in a gigantic fraudulent wedding wasn't proof enough of their love for each other, Khloe and Lamar decided to get tattoos of each other's initials on their jack-off hands. Khloe explains on her blog:

"When we were at dinner, I just knew I wanted a tattoo for Lamar in the web of my hand. Once we got to the shop we decided on getting each other's initials. I got 'LO' in cursive on my right hand and he got 'KO' on both hands."

Well, when their fake marriage is finally flushed down the toilet, the both of them can easily change their tattoos. Lamar can change his to Koala (which still reminds of Khloe) or Kokomo. Khloe can change hers to Looser or LOL. At least they thought ahead.

And the Hostess cupcake wrapper in the background pretty much sums all of this up. Take a loooong bong hit and think about it.

Pamela Anderson's pool and Brooke Hogan's grill now have something else in common. Not only are they both owned by hos whose brains have been damaged by peroxide and "deep thoughts," but now they are both covered in platinum. Yeah, nothing will bankrupt you faster than a pool covered in platinum tiles.

In a new documentary that aired in the UK, Pamela Anderson gave viewers a tour of her unfinished Malibu mansion. Pamela is currently living it up in a trailer while construction crews work to finish her Casa de Hep. Even though Pamela has denied that she's broke, she admitted that construction on the house is over budget by millions of dollars. Pamela still has to fork over $800,000 to finish that shit up. Part of that is to blame on the fact that Pamela is covering her pool with platinum tiles. Pamela said, "This is where the magic happens. I'm tiling the floor with platinum - that's expensive."

Pamela said that when she's done with the project, she's going to unload that bitch like a cum shot out of Tommy Lee's dick hole, "I'm going to sell it. I hate it. People commit suicide over constructions. Relationships break down over constructions and I can see why. It rips your heart out."

Who does Pamela think she is?! A Saudi prince?! A character on Beverly Hills Teens? Teresa from The Real Housewives of NJ? I mean, PLATINUM POOL TILES?! Really, Pamela, there's less expensive ways to make yourself look like a major asshole (i.e. like running around on catwalks half-nekkid).

Here's the soon-to-be newest member of The Foreclosure Club promoting Peta's anti-seal hunt campaign by dry sexing a plushie seal outside of Ontario's legislature building in Toronto.

As you can see, Dennis Quaid and his wife left a restaurant last night looking like they just had an orgy with a few bottles of the sweet nectar. And I'm no Lohan, but it also looks like they have a case of coke mouth. I'd have to sniff at their breath to make an official ruling. Anyway....

A boozed-up Dennis Quaid got behind the wheel of his car outside of Phillipe Chows last night, and was just about to drive away when the po po pulled up. You can get put in handcuffs for just putting your keys into the ignition while under the influence, but the cops decided to give Dennis a warning instead. Splash says that when the cops told Dennis to get out of the car, he told them he wasn't planning to drive away. The officers let him go back into the restaurant and call a cab.

Dennis should give those cops a taint licking and a lap dance, because they saved him from marinating in a jail cell for a few hours. And when you've got the drunks ills, the last thing you want to be doing is using your hands to protect your asshole in jail. You need your hands to keep the booze barfs from coming up.

If I was that police officer I would've arrested Dennis for being related to Randy.

After Adam "Baller" Jasinski won $500,000 on Big Brother 9, he didn't blow the all the money on frivolous shit like food, shelter or charity. No, Adam used his brainpower and invested the prize money in pharmaceuticals. Unfortunately, his investment didn't really pay off, because his ass was arrested for trying to sell oxycodone pills on Saturday night. And unfortunately, there's no stupid ass Golden Power of Veto available to get Adam out of this shit.

MyFoxBoston reports that Adam used some of the $500,000 prize money to buy a Lohan load of oxycodone pills which he planned to sell. Adam flew into Boston on Saturday night after he made a deal with a Massachusetts man who wanted to buy 2,000 pills. Well, the man turned out to be an FBI informant who was wearing a wire. When Adam handed over the pills to the informant, the police jumped in and took "The Baller" away.

Adam was charged with possession of the bad shit with intent to distribute. Adam will have to marinate in a jail cell until his hearing on Thursday. If Adam is found guilty, he could face up to 20 years in the clink (where Big Brother is ALWAYS watching) and a $1 million fine.

None of this is really that surprising since Adam always looked like he had the withdrawal shakes on the show. Dude's eyeballs were so spazzed out that they would enter a room minutes before he did.

And hopefully, this means that the next Big Brother: All-Stars will take place in prison.

The permanent wart on Sarah Palin's ass cheek, Levi Johnston, is getting ready to show us his trunk and berries (hopefully) on Playgirl. Levi's trainer told People that he's training for the big event by spending time in the gym and eating loads of moose meat. And no, he doesn't mean the kind of "moose meat" that is attached to a dude and spits back at you. No, he's eating actual moose meat.

Levi's trainer said, "Moose meat is very good for you, high in protein and very lean. He's an avid hunter, so he has his own. I'm not trying to give him a body builder's look. He's going to be more toned and more defined. I'd like to see him with rounder and more muscular shoulders, with a fuller chest. We're going to firm his abs up, [and give him a] smaller waist."

Um. Levi does know about a little invention called Photoshop, right? And I hope he also knows that eating moose meat isn't going to make him hung like a moose. Wait, or will it? Excuse me while I go and organize a dinner party for the dudes of NYC where I will only serve moose cake.

Long before January Jones was on Mad Men, she dated Mr. Demi Moore himself Ashton Kutcher. In the new issue of GQ, January says that Ashton pissed all over her dreams of an acting career by telling her to quit because she was never going to make it.

January said, "He was not supportive of my acting. He was like, 'I don't think you're going to be good at this.' So—fuck you! He only has nice things to say now—if anything, I should thank him. Because the minute you tell me I can't do something, that's when I'm most motivated."

Yes, acting advice from the dumbass who was in Dude, Where's My Car?. This just proves that you should never open up your ear to Ashton. The dude may be a hot piece (depending on how stoned you are), but dirty douchewater tends to pour out of his mouth regularly.

Open up your vagina hole to Ashton, but don't open up your ear hole. The latter is way too painful.

And here's January showing Ashton what's what by showing off her titty balls. Even though she's bringing the chichiness, these pictures aren't that great. January looks a little bored. Hell, even her boobies look bored.

Usher and Tameka Foster can also act like two spoiled toddlers fighting over the prime spot in the sandbox. Move over Jon & Kate....

TMZ says that Usher had to call the cops on his estranged wife, because he caught her scratching up his car. When the po po arrived, Tameka had already busted out of there. Usher also had to call 911 a second time, because Tameka refused to leave his property.

Usher thinks that Tameka scratched up his truck, because they had a fight over the custody of their children the night before. The day after the fight, Tameka showed up at his house demanding to see the kids. The kiddies were at his mother's house. When Tameka left, Usher immediately drove his ass over to his mom's house. Tameka was already there, banging on the door and acting the fool. Usher called the cops, but Tameka busted out of that bitch before they arrived. The next day, Usher found his truck all scratched up. SANTIO DIOS!

Tameka is scratching up the wrong thing. Tameka should be scratching up Usher's credit card by buying everything from dick on Craigslist to booze by the bulk. Seriously, when are these bitches going to realize that it's much more fun just to sick back, smoke a bowl, pop on HSN and spend his money. Scratching cars in the middle of the day sounds exhausting!

The last time we left Michael Lohan, he was burping about how his daughter is HONGRAY for prescription pills and how he plans to save her. Well, Michael Lohan is still at the same place we last left him: shouting all sorts of shit to Radar.

This time around, Michael is yammering about how he plans to stage an intervention (Candy Finnigan just queefed, burped and farted at the same time) to save his daughter from the evil doers who keep giving her the bad shit. Don't ask me how Radar can understand a word he says seeing as though his head is shoved up his ass. Maybe the words somehow make their way out of his peen hole? Who knows.

Michael said, “I had a conversation with her, her mother and everyone…over the next couple of weeks I’m going to be doing things in a pretty public way. But Dina has got to get on the same page with me. It’s a serious situation. You can’t just talk about it and tell me that you want to do an intervention and then do nothing. When Lindsay doesn’t adhere or listen to what I say about serious situations, I feel I have to speak publicly to put pressure on her. If she doesn’t take my advice and do what I say…the more pressure I put on her, the more likely she is to eventually do the right thing.”

The intervention will be held at Mulcahy's Pub on Long Island. You can buy tickets at the door for $5. It's BYOA (bring your own Adderrall). White Oprah will open the intervention by strutting around the stage in shoes from her new shoe line "SHOE-HAN." I'm not making the last part up.

Below are pictures from a press conference for White Oprah's new collection of shoes. It's really called "SHOE-HAN." The shoes will be sold at Big Lots, stoop sales, swap meets and lesser known back alley pharmacies beginning next year. They are perfect for crushing your pills down into dust and for kicking your 15-year-old daughter out to work the ho stroll.

In the third thumbnail, I think she's telling the two people there (including Nana Lohan) how big she likes her bottles of Vicodin to be. At first I thought she was telling us how much dignity she has, but we all know her fingers would be much closer together if that was the case.