Dumbasses

The Difficult Brown was his usual charming and gracious self on Thursday morning when he grabbed the mic at the Emerson Theater in Hollywood and shat out some smegma-covered words of advice to men on how to treat women. TMZ has the video of the tattooed, shriveled up Gollum on meth instantly making Mel Gibson one of his most devoted disciples by opening up the crusted-over anus hole on his face to spit out this Shakespearean sonnet (via HuffPo):

"Every guy in this building has said one thing to their female ... If you're not an insecure nigga, and you let her have fun with her friends, I applaud you. But you gotta say that one thing to her, and I made this shit up. [sings] Don't make me have to tell you again, that that's my pussy baby! It is mine, baby, babe, mine. Don't make me have to tell you again, that that's my pussy baby. It's mine girl, it's mine girl, it's mine... So you better not give it away.

So every person in this motherfuckin' building, if you got a bad bitch you better say that to her. Cause she might fuck another nigga."

And just like that, Mel Gibson found his new ringtone. What a beautiful song. If they ever make What's Love Got To Do With It The Musical, I'm sure Ike will sing out this love song in the act one finale.

What more is there to say about this haggard crackhead turtle? Everything has already been said. I would say that RiRi should evict Fist Brown from her pussy and change the locks, but she's probably creaming over this. And she's the one who pays the mortgage and maintenance bills on her pussy! I can't, but I never can when it comes The Difficult Brown.

And here's Chris Brown's property letting out her signature goat yodel at the first show on her Diamonds World Tour in Buffalo, New York last night.

Right after the producers of the Broadway play Orphans flushed down the turd from their lives by firing Shia LaDouche for being Shia LaDouche, he tweeted screen shots of a bunch of e-mails between him and the cast and crew including one where he plagiarized an Esquire article. Alec Baldwin isn't the one to keep his lips shut about fuckery like this, so pulled off his leather gloves finger by finger and slapped Shia's face back and forth for being a know-it-all theater bitch. Here's what Alec said about Shia to Vulture yesterday:

"I can tell you that, in all honesty, I don’t think he’s in a good position to be giving interpretations of what the theater is and what the theater isn’t. I mean, he was never in the theater. He came into a rehearsal room for six or seven days and, uh — you know, sometimes film actors — I mean, there are people who are film actors who have a great legacy in the theater. Some of the greatest movie stars had really serious theater careers and still do. And many film actors, though, who are purely film actors, they’re kind of like celebrity chefs, you know what I mean? You hand them the ingredients, and they whip it up, and they cook it, and they put it on a plate, and they want a round of applause. In the theater, we don’t just cook the food and serve it. You go out in the garden and you plant the seeds and you grow it. You know, it’s a really very, very long, slow, deliberate — it’s the opposite of film acting. It’s a much more intensive and kind of thoughtful process. And there are people who that’s just not their thing. So for those people who I think it’s not their thing, I’m not really interested in their opinion of it. But thanks."

With that, Shia should've taken his bow, exited stage left and continued on with his Lean Cuisine of a movie career, but since his nipples get hard from screwing with Alec Baldwin, he's keeping the foolery going. This morning, Shia tweeted screen shots of e-mails between him and the play's director Daniel Sullivan as well as e-mails between him and Alec. Here's one that Daniel Sullivan supposedly sent to Shia on February 10th:

"Don't be too surprised if Alec doesn't look up from his script much for the first few days. I suspect he's not nearly as prepared as you are. Not unusual at all when actors have a good long rehearsal time like we have. I just don't want it to throw you. I did a reading of another play once with Alec and about 10 minutes in I thought, 'Oh, I guess he's just going to read it.'"

And here's an exchange between Shia, Alec and Daniel:

Alec - That was supposed to read: We start Monday. But I'm so fucking tired.

Shia - I'm a hustler. I don't get tired. I'm 26, chief.

Alec - Listen, boy. I'm not your fuckin' chief. You got that? Ha. Hahahahaha. Let's go.

Shia - Yes, sir.

Daniel - I think he's nervous.

Fuck that Orphans shit. They should turn these e-mails into a Broadway play, because this is where the real theatrical drama is at. They can call it "I'm Not Your Fuckin' Chief." And "I'm a hustler, I don't get tired" sounds like a lyric from the rap song that Justin Bieber will eventually release.

Even though this is the most entertaining thing that Shia has ever been a part of, he should still squash his beef with Alec Baldwin the way all grown men squash beefs (Side note: Not that it has to do with anything, but "Beef Squasher" is John Travolta's Scientology bath house nickname): with a game of Words with Friends. Take it to the WWF board, chief!

And here's LaDouche leaving a gym in NYC the other day.

Over the weekend, Charlie Sheen continued to use LiLo's name to get some free publicity by openly declaring that he wants to take LiLo under his cracked out wing and show her the way. Charlie proclaimed his love for LiLo and said that they are practically the same, because he's the kind of john who will pay a hooker $1,000 to snort a bump of coke out of his butt with her cooch and she's the kind of hooker who will snort a bump of coke out of a john's butt with her cooch for $1,000. They're soulmates. But TMZ says that LiLo is telling her friends that Charlie is not going to be her life coach and he needs to shut his damn mouth:

Sources close to LiLo tell TMZ ... while she appreciates everything Sheen has done for her -- and he's done a lot -- she would NEVER take him as a mentor. She's saying she knows her life is "out of control," but doesn't think the precept, "It takes one to know one," is the way to go.

She says she's grateful Charlie gave her $100k for her back taxes and supported her in "Scary Movie 5." Lindsay says she talks to Charlie from time to time ... but gripes he has no business talking about her to the media.

According to our sources, Lindsay has been regularly meeting with a therapist and feels the consistency has helped.

LiLo hasn't stabbed a psychic in the neck with a broken bottle in over a week and she knows being around Charlie isn't the best thing for her, so maybe this therapist (aka her week night dealer) is helping her after all. I mean, Charlie's backyard pool is filled with the bad shit, vodka pours out of every faucet in his house, his bidet shoots out liquid meth and next to every tub is a bag full of bath salts (the drug, not the skin soother) and LiLo turned all of that down. LiLo could've lived in the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory of crack houses, but she said no.

Or maybe she had her one moment of clarity and realized that sucking on Charlie's soggy tampon dick for unlimited supplies of coke is not worth it. She'll get her own coke herself. Either way, our little crackie is growing up!

I guess that lucky rabbit foot lost all of its magic, because Lindsay Lohan's tiny lawyer got dragged across the court room this morning by a judge who told him in so many words that he's way too dumb in the brains to be a lawyer. Judge James Dabney told Mark Heller that he's totally incompetent (like client, like lawyer) and that LiLo either needs to get herself a competent California lawyer or she needs to come to court and declare that she's okay with a dumb fuck representing her. Oh, Judge James Dabney, I think I'm in love with you.

Both Radar and TMZ say that during the hearing today, Mark Heller filed several motions including asking the court to postpone LiLo's trial, because she's fragile or some shit and deserves "mercy and compassion." Judge Dabney shat on all of Mark Heller's motions before throwing them out of court. Judge Dabney said the legal documents that Mark Heller filed were totally screwed up and read like they were written by a cracked out, half brain-dead pigeon (Side note: Did Mark Heller give LiLo a part-time job as his legal secretary?). Judge Dabney said that it's obvious that Mark Heller knows nothing about criminal law and he shouldn't be handling LiLo's case. Judge Dabney continued to slap down the real life Barry Zuckerkorn by saying:

“Somebody needs to come in to assist you who has SOME experience in California law for procedure or Miss Lohan is going to have to come in here and waive her right to have attorneys who are competent in California law and procedure to go forward. [The motions filed were] lacking in conformity to California law and procedure….I am somewhat concerned that you have sufficient guidance in criminal procedure in California.”

Since LiLo turned down the prosecution's plea deal, she's going to trial on March 18th and who knows if Mark Heller will be there.

The press conference that Mark Heller held afterward was even more of a mess. Mark Heller is a natural born comedian and he needs to teach LiLo how to really entertain people, because he quoted Ben Affleck's Oscar speech, said he didn't think that the judge was calling him "incompetent" and then said that she's not addicted to drugs or booze. Bitch delivered punchline after punchline.

I hope that LiLo does the right thing by not firing Mark Heller, because that silly legal troll is a gift to comedy. I will always trust a lawyer who carries a fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and quotes Ben Affleck.

Looking like the last place winner of a kindergarten Vanilla Ice look-alike contest, the tampon string hanging out of Canada's cooch, Justin Bieber, went back to his hotel in London last night with his ass and nipples hanging out. There are so many things wrong with this.

Not only should those periwinkle-ass Thriller pants have never been born, but the Biebs needs to pull them up, because he's a big kid now! Mommy wow! Nobody wants to see his toddler ass hanging out ("Type for yourself" - Usher). And why is always hunched over like a perma-stoned ape who just had super sloppy butt sex and is trying to squat walk to the toilet before it's too late? And why is he always making faces like he's got serious menstrual cramps or like he knows he should've fingered the hole before taking more than the tip? That's the "I knew I shouldn't have bit off more than I can chew" face most newbie bottoms make.

On a positive note, at least I don't see any skid marks. He'll get that potty training diploma in no time.

I recognize that look on White Oprah's face. That's the "should I barf first and then pass out or should I pass out and then barf in my sleep?" face. Always go with the former, because sometimes a puddle of barf will cushion your fall.

Lindsay Lohan obviously lied to the cops about driving her Porsche right into an 18 wheeler and she was probably drunk while doing it, but she's sticking with her best friend Delusion and claiming that she's linnocent! The prosecutors in the case offered to keep LiLo out of a jail cell if she agreed to go to rehab for 60 days and do community service in New York. LiLo's buffoon of a lawyer, Mark Heller, and the prosecutors spent part of their day yesterday working out the plea deal over the phone, but nothing came of it. Mark shook his head no to the deal and when prosecutors dropped the rehab time from 60 days to 30 days, he still shook his little head no. TMZ says that if it were only up to Mark Heller, he'd take the plea deal, but LiLo refuses to, because she thinks she doesn't have a problem and didn't do anything wrong.

A source says that LiLo isn't going to take a plea deal, because she feels like she's accepting punishment for something she didn't do. The prosecutors don't really care if LiLo doesn't take the plea deal, because they're ready to go to trial on March 18th.

Let's try to look at this from LiLo's blood shot, blurry eyes. If she does take a plea deal, she'll have to do the following:

1. Sit in rehab without the paparazzi keeping her relevant by taking her picture every 45 seconds.
2. Sit in rehab without enablers pouring free booze into her drink hole.
3. Sit in rehab without enablers sucking on her dehydrated apricot ass lips while telling her that she's going to have the comeback of all comebacks.

Or she can tell them to eat that plea deal and do the following instead:

1. Put on a designer court outfit bought with a stolen credit card.
2. Smile for the cameras as dozens of paparazzi take her picture as she strolls onto the great big stage called a court room.
3. Become the headliner and star of TMZ's live feed from the court room.
4. Put on her best "I'm totally going to do right this time, your honor" face while hiding her inner smirk as the judge finds her guilty and sentences her to a lifetime of doing what she's always been doing.
5. Celebrate by doing tequila shots off her Porsche's steering wheel as she speeds down PCH!

Hmmm...I wonder which option she's going to go with?

Ever since Celebrity Big Brother, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been bright shiny A-list stars in the UK (not at all), so of course Channel 5 aired a special about them on Monday night. During the special, Twit and Twat took the cameras into the garage of his parents' beach house in Santa Barbara, CA (where their asses are living for free since they're broker than a Lohan) to show off their collection of guns including an FBI sniper rifle and a rapid engagement precision rifle. Of course, none of those names really mean anything to Heidi since she had her brain lipo'ed out to make her head skinnier. The only thing Heidi knows is that she can use that gun to shoot people! Translation: we're all fucking doomed.

As HuffPo (via IDLYITW) says, Spencer shows the people of Britain that in America we can own guns and he owns a lot to protect himself from stalkers and "crazed fans." WHAT FANS?! These bitches. If Twit and Twat have any fans, then I'm sure those fans have already been declared certifiably insane by the state and are locked up in the padded basement at Briarcliff. I'm sure they're safe.

Twit and Twat share a brain with Brittany from Glee (no offense to Brittany from Glee), because they thought the Mayan Apocalypse was going to happen so they spent all of their money last year. So that should tell you how good they are at making smart decisions.

And does anybody know if TJ Maxx sells bulletproof helmets and bulletproof onesies, because I'm going to need to wear that shit all the time now that I know that these two dick queefs own a bunch of guns.

Kris Humphries publicity stunt marriage to Kim Kardashian ended over a year ago, but they've been dragging their divorce ever since, because he wants an annulment due to fraud. Kim refuses to give him one, because she made an oath to Lucifer to never reveal the STUNT QUEEN secrets of the Illuminati.

The overgrown Cha-Ka refuses to give Kim a divorce and she refuses to give him an annulment and apparently his lawyer is siding with Team KKK. TMZ says that Kris' lawyer Marshall Waller filed papers in court yesterday asking to be removed from the case, because he's sick of dealing with a neanderthal-faced dumbass with dino shit for brains.

A source tells TMZ that Marshall Waller has been trying for months to get Kris to drop the annulment, because there's nothing that proves that Kim tricked his ass into marrying her. Marshall tried to talk Kris  into moving on, but every time he'd say something, Kris would stare off into space, drool and then start pawing at a pen on Marshall's desk. So Marshall is done with Kris. Kris has another lawyer, Lee Hutton, but Lee doesn't have a license to practice in California so he has to find a lawyer to sponsor him before he can start representing the real-life Encino Man in the divorce case.

So Marshall Waller thinks that there's no way to prove that Kim and Pimp Mama Kris committed fraud against Kris? They're Kardashians! That's the only evidence he needs. But we all know what really happened here. Either Pimp Mama Kris shook her cleavage full of cash at Marshall Waller or Khloe Kardashians threatened to skin him alive with her teeth and use his skin to make Bruce Jenner's next face.

Here's Kim making retinas rip while leaving the gym in leggings yesterday afternoon.

And it's not like I have anything else to do but write about all these dumb bitches, which might make me the dumbest bitch of them all. Developing...

Eddie Cibrian somehow found time between spending LeAnn Rimes' money and trolling Ashley Madison for side tricks to open up a public Instagram account. Eddie said he only used Instagram to share pictures with his friends and family members. But after "no-lifers and losers" somehow found Eddie Cibrian's Instagram page by typing, "Eddie Cibrian Instagram page," and started leaving messages of hate, he closed it forever. A couple of weeks before Eddie shut down his Instagram page, he Instagrammed this picture and added the note: "Drinking and instragramming whatttttttttt my new book title." Get it?! But LeAnn went on her Twitter yesterday to say that they weren't making fun of Brandi, because that picture is from two years ago so obviously Brandi is the one who stole from them!

@AsianPosh1 @allabouttrh @eddiecibrian since he didn't tweet that and that was over two years ago....it's the other way around

These bitches are all obsessed with each other and I'm starting to think they're in on it together. If LeAnn wasn't publicly flaring her nostrils at Brandi Glanville, nobody would be talking about Brandi Glanville. If Brandi Glanville wasn't publicly aiming her shank at LeAnn and Eddie, nobody would really be talking about LeAnn and Eddie. I bet that when they're not stage fighting for relevancy, they're all three-way spooning together in LeAnn's stall. I see all of them!

And a special fuck you to Eddie Cibrian for using delicious booze in his stunts. What did booze ever do to him? How can I enjoy a shot of Patron now that the image of LeAnn making squint-ified sex eyes is burned into my brain. I did not need to see her "rimming" face.

Here's LeAnn wearing leftover gift trimmings from Christmas at a Grammy event last night in L.A.

Chris Brown got 180 days of community service after he pleaded guilty to beating on RiRi and all he had to do was to complete all 180 days, but since he's an entitled anal sore, he didn't! Obviously. The Los Angeles Times, TMZ and Reuters say that the L.A. District Attorney is going to ask a judge to snatch away Chris Brown's probation, because they believe he faked most of his community service hours with a little help from his mother Mom Breezy and the Chief of Police in Richmond, VA.

Even though The Difficult Brown's case was in California, the judge still allowed him to complete all his community service in his home state of Virginia. The D.A. said that on Chris Brown's community service records they found three times when it was impossible for him to be doing community service, because he was either performing at a concert or riding on a private jet to Mexico.

Chris Brown also claims that he did hundreds of hours of community service at the Tappahannock Children's Center and his mom, who was the director there once, was in charge of giving him jobs and scheduling times for him to come in after-hours. But an administrator at the children's center said she never saw Chris Brown doing any work there. And Chris Brown says he waxed the floors there several times, but the dude who regularly waxes the floor says he's the only one who's touched those floors with wax for 3 years. The floor waxer guy also told the D.A. that one administrator at the children's center tried to get him to lie about Chris Brown waxing the floors, but he refused. Chris Brown also claimed that he picked up trash in "various alleys" around Richmond, but he didn't know which alleys exactly, because the paparazzi were always following him.

Bryan T. Norwood, Richmond's Chief of Police who knew Chris Brown personally before all of this (wink wink), wrote a letter to the judge last September saying that The Difficult Brown went above and beyond by doing 220 days of community service when he only needed to do 180 days. But the spreadsheets that Chris Brown turned in show that he only did 162 days of community service.

The D.A. says that either Chris Brown's community records are sloppy as shit or he made most of that mess up. There's a hearing in L.A. tomorrow and the D.A. wants the judge to take away Chris Brown's violation and force him to redo all those community service hours in L.A. County.

The D.A. is also going to bring up his parking lot brawl with Frank Ocean, his phone-snatching incident in Miami, his assault on a window at Good Morning America and the fact that he tested positive for weed.

The Difficult Brown's lawyer said that the D.A.'s office are out of their minds and they are slandering Chris Brown's pristine image as a responsible human adult.

Okay, Chris Brown is dumber than a dried dingle on a dog's hairy asshole for making up community service hours and thinking they weren't going to find out. But he's extra dumb for saying that he was picking up trash in Virginia when he was really wrapping his ten foot long pencil dick around some girl's neck on a private jet to Mexico. Of course they're going to find out. THE GOVERNMENT KNOWS EVERYTHING! Besides, we're really supposed to believe that Chris Brown spent 220 days of his life doing community service? When did he find the time to get into club fights and use his pool noodle dick to trick RiRi into thinking he's not a corroded ass wart anymore?

Chris Brown's lawyer should argue that it wasn't him on that private jet to Mexico, it was an HGH-addicted gremlin that they hired to be his double. Because I'd totally buy that.