Dumbasses

On Tuesday afternoon, Jon Grosselin took a break from wet humping on anything who doesn't dry heave when he touches them to pack up his dogs and send them back to where they came from.

Jon told E! News that he has no choice but to return Shoka and Nala to their breeder, because Kate Gosselin's rabid possum head won't stop biting at their anal glands and teasing them. Oh and Kate also refuses to take care of Jon's dogs when he's not there, because you know, being a cunt is a full-time job.

Jon said, "It's not fair to the dogs to not be wanted in their own home." Jon didn't say why he couldn't pay someone to take care of his so-called dog friends or even take them with him to his douche den. I'm guessing Jon didn't like it when they kept barfing up their insides while watching him get it on with his homely piece of the moment.

I guess Shoka and Nala are better off going back to there breeder. Now if only someone could cage Jon up and send him back to his breeder.

Anne Heche told the world that her ex-husband Coley Baffoon was a lazy loser and he told the world that she is a mean mean lady. So it's no surprise that a court has ordered that a perfectly sane adult needs to teach these two twats how to get along as parents. TMZ reports that a court-ordered "parenting plan coordinator" will be paid $375/hr to hold their hands and teach them how to make joint decisions together when it comes to their son Homer.

While I agree that these two need classes on how not to eff up their kid, I think they also need classes on how to behave like grown-ups who don't shit in their hands and throw it at each other (that wasn't meant for you Tommy Girl, carry on with your scat play). I'm sure Dr. Phil will volunteer his services. He works for relevancy. They just have to do the complete opposite of whatever Dr. Phil says. It's that easy.

And we should start taking bets on how long it will take for the parenting coach to strap themselves into a straitjacket and check into the nearest loony bin.

Kimora Lee's former leathery wallet, Russell Simmons, apparently had himself a cunt party for one at Charlotte Ronson's fashion show last night.

A witness tells Radar that when Russell got there, he immediately thought they gave away his seat, so he flipped a switch. The witness went on to say, "He thought his seat was given away and lost it on some poor staffer on the runway moments away from the show's start." Russell immediately pulled some "let me speak to your supervisor" shit. I love pulling that card whenever the telephone company refuses to refund all those calls to fuck lines I didn't make...while sober.

When the head bitch of seating came out to talk to Russell, he continued to act like an old fool. Russell was told to calm down and he shot back with, "I'm a calm person!" They were finally able to make Russell happy by moving two people in the front row.

Everyone knows that Russell's seat needs to be covered with dried grass and a plate full of wet lettuce should be available for him to chew on. Charlotte Ronson probably didn't provide this, so of course Russell's ass lips got twisted.

And I doubt Russell caused a big scene. I mean, there's nothing threatening about a 300-year-old turtle without his shell on.

In case you missed it, here's Kanye West proving that he hates Taylor Swift people. While the adorable little mouse known as Taylor Swift was trying to accept her award for Best Female Video, Gay Fish stomped on stage, snatched the mic out of her hand and declared that Beyonce should've won that shit! Just like that, millions of FUCK YOU KANYE groups were born on Facebook.

YES, Kanye West took a mic from a baby! Bitch is running himself right out of this town. Seriously, when Kanye gets back to his MacBook Air, his CAPS LOCK key will be long gone. Even that bitch won't be a part of his fuckery even more. And Jon Gosselin is standing by to gladly hand over his used tampon tiara (made by Ed Hardy, of course) to Kanye West and crown him the new Douchebag of the Millennium.

Beyonce had a look on her face like "I DON'T KNOW THAT BITCH." You know that look. It's the same look your mama gives you when you get drunk and act the fool at family reunions.

At the end of the show, Beyonce won Video of the Year and instead of giving a speech, she invited Taylor Swift out to "finish her moment." Daddy Knowles is good! Suddenly, Beyonce has gone from Sasha Fierce to Saint Fierce.

Sasha Fierce will be the recipient of a Nobel Peace Prize for this shit.

Three crew members who worked on both Transformers movies sent in an open letter to Michael Bay's official site (via ONTD) where they shat all over philosopher and feminist Megan Fox for calling Michael "Hitler" in an interview.

The three unnamed crew members (aka Michael Bay, his assistant and his publicist) are basically co-signing what most whores already think. They say Megan is dumber than a Snuggie, ungrateful, classless, a cunt of all cunts, completely talentless and that she should probably be doing porn instead of acting in blockbuster movies.

The letter is supposed to make you want to run for president of the I HATE MEGAN FOX fan club, but it actually makes me kind of like her stupid ass for a quick minute. I mean, she's dumb, she's a slut and she's a bitch. The dumb slutty bitch is my kind! It's like we were separated at the free clinic!

The entire letter is after the jump. It's long, but the pure cuntiness of it makes it a must read. JUMP!

If a Megan Fox fuck tape leaked onto the internet, it would look just like the clip above! That's according to the ho herself. Megan recently told MTV (via The L.A. Times) that she would never ever film herself getting down on the dick, because she would look like a hippo fucking. Only from the mind of Megan Fox....

She said, "It would take one shot of me not looking good, and I would not be able to have sex ever again, because I would always just see myself looking like a hippo having sex."

So whip out those dongs, fanboys, and jack until you're raw. Because this is what Megan Fox looks like while she's getting dicked. Yeah, this exactly what I pictured too.

And I think that every time Megan is about to open her mouth to speak, we should immediately hold up a sign that says: "WARNING: Megan Foxes mark their territory! You may be SPRAYED!"

Whenever you see a picture of Megan Fox, you should immediately put on a dunce cap and sit in her corner, because it's time for your Foxtard-ism of the day. It's good for you! It gives your brain self-confidence! Well, unless your name is Kourtney Kardashian. If that's the case, that statement doesn't apply to you.

Megan is going after Michael Bay, director of Transformers, again. Megan tells Wonderland Magazine (via The L.A. Times), "He’s like Napoleon and he wants to create this insane, infamous mad-man reputation. He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he’s a nightmare to work for but when you get him away from set, and he’s not in director mode, I kind of really enjoy his personality because he’s so awkward, so hopelessly awkward. He has no social skills at all. And it’s endearing to watch him. He’s vulnerable and fragile in real life and then on set he’s a tyrant. Shia and I almost die when we make a Transformers movie. He has you do some really insane things that insurance would never let you do."

Insane things? Like make you do ass-to-mouth in his trailer? Yeah, Megan, I hate to break it to your b-hole, but that's not for the movie..... Yeah, not even for the DVD extras. Sorry.

I'm so amazed at how Megan Fox fucks herself repeatedly without even touching her chocha. I think we found her one talent!

Do you know what time it is, class? It's time for another priceless lecture from your favorite professor: Dr. Nag Em (an anagram for Megan) Fox!!! This time around, Megan is getting really personal. All of you Marilyn Monroe fans out there (I'm talking to you, HoHan) might want to wrap your keyboard with Saran wrap, because you will get vommy all over it.

In the new issue of Wonderland Magazine (via The Examiner), Megan queefs, “I basically read every book ever written about Marilyn Monroe. I could end up like that because I constantly struggle with the idea that I think I’m a borderline personality—or that I have bouts of mild schizophrenia. I definitely have some kind of mental problem and I haven’t pinpointed what it is.”

Hmm...Now, I'm not a doctor, but I'm guessing Megan has a severe case of verbal bulimia with just a mild dash of Mememememem Syndrome and maybe a bit of Cockalitis of the throat. The cure is to take 50mgs of STFU every hour on the hour!

On Thursday night in Los Angeles, a discarded tampon and a pre-owned butt plug got into a fight at Guys and Dolls nightclub. We've already heard Brody Jenner's version of the douche battle royale and now here's Joe Francis'.

Joe tells E! News that contrary to Brody's version, he never delivered a massive beat down on Jayde Nicole. Joe said that he was minding his own business when Jayde pushed at him and threw her drink all over him. Joe said he might of "accidentally" pulled her hair when he turned around to confront her, but never punched her in the face or kicked her. The next thing Joe knew, Brody was beating his ass and ripping his shirt off. For some reason, that last part didn't make my b-lips tingle. It made them wrinkle up even more.

Joe said that the security tapes will show what really happened, "I'm the victim. Brody hit me in the face. I've never hit a girl in my life and the accusation disgusts me." Then Joe said that Brody has a million issues including having "smallest penis in Hollywood." This coming from one of the biggest DICKHEAD in Hollywood.

In Brody's defense, Joe does have a face that was produced by Everlast, because you just want to punch it. I'm sure that most of you are sitting on your fists right now (use lube) to keep from punching your monitor. It's a natural reaction to seeing Joe's butt plug of a face.

As for Brody having the tiniest peen rod in all the land, bring us proof, Joe! We know you have a giant picture of it hanging in front of your dildo chair.

The LAPD is currently looking for douchemeister extraordinaire Joe Francis after he allegedly Chris Brown-ed Brody Jenner's girlfriend Jayde Nicole. If that didn't make your vagina squeaky clean, it gets better (or worse, depending on how you look at it).

It all started at Guys and Dolls nightclub early this morning in Los Angeles. Brody told TMZ that Jayde witnessed Joe trying to put the moves one of his ex-girlfriends. For some reason, Jayde didn't like this, so she threw her drink on Joe. You know how you're not supposed to give a Gremlin water? Well, you're not supposed to throw booze on a douchebag, because it strengthens their douchiness.

After Jayde wasted a perfectly good DRANK on Joe, he grabbed her by the hair, punched her in the face, threw her to the ground and started kicking at her. Security threw a little menstrual fluid on Joe which caused him to run out of the club. Brody immediately followed Joe outside and busted him in the face. Brody was then tasered by someone and Joe managed to get away.

The police are currently looking for Joe. Jayde says she will press charges against Joe.

And the video is where? I mean, Joe getting fisted in his fugly mug and Brody getting tasered in his ass?! We finally know the true reason why they were both put on this earth! It was so all of us could witness their asses getting socked and shocked! Git that video! Everyone's happiness depends on it.

By the way, this entire fight was sponsored by Ed Hardy.