Dumbasses

Celestia, the rightful Queen of Planet CRAZY, trashed her ex-husband Coley Laffoon on Letterman last night and now he's responding. And he's really really sad-faced about it!

Coley, who you know was wearing a pair of pajamas he had on for 3 days straight, told UsWeekly, "After coming home from showing two different clients two different condominiums, I was disturbed to see Anne taking out her personal frustration on the father of her child on national television."

HA. HA. And HA. I love how he's making sure we know he has some kind of job and isn't sitting around waiting for the mailman to stroll up with another check from Anne. I mean, you know he was really trying to beat the last level on Fallout 3. Which is totally a full-time job in itself.

Coley also responded to Anne on his Facebook page, "I wish Anne Heche could see that public bullying isn't good for the soul or positive for her child. It's mean."

Coley should've just echoed what the majority has already said about Anne by issuing this statement: "CRAZY BITCH." It's simple, to the point and doesn't take a lot of keystrokes. Then Coley could have gone back to making skidmarks and organizing his animal crackers by species.

Kourtney Kardashian has been quiet the past few days, so I figured someone finally picked her up, put her in a corner, stuck a pacifier in her mouth and turned on a baby mobile so that she could be mesmerized by the fancy moving parts for a while. Well, Kourtney is back and she's brought a friend!

Kourtney and her brainmate Kendra Wilkinson are talking about breastfeeding in the new issue of UsWeekly. You know this is going to hurt.

Kendra says: "I was so scared that I wasn't going to be able to nurse that when I saw stuff come out of my nipples the other day, I was like, I can breast-feed? And I asked my doctor, who said, 'That's fine, but it's not milk yet!'"

Kourtney added: "They say usually you can breast-feed with implants. I want to."

Then both of their fetuses jumped out of their bodies, ran to Pennsylvania and jumped into Kate Gosselin's womb. It's that serious.

(Image via Cover Awards)

Leave it to Jon Grosselin to make a delicious cup of lemonade look like something his peen hole gargled up and spit out. Yesterday in Reading, PA, Jon and six members of the child army sold lemonade for a local firefighters charity while cameras were rolling. Of Course.

It was for charity, but Jon still made it all about him by wearing that t-shirt. Can the Thompson Twins please sue this twat for copyright infringement, because when I hear their song, I don't want to think of Jon's nasty ass.

If Jon really wanted to make a bunch of money for charity, he wouldn't sell lemonade, he would sell punches to his face. Jon is made out of douchedough, so it wouldn't even hurt! Even Kate Gosselin's rabid possum head would find a way to escape from its owner so that it could spend 4 weeks worth of its allowance to bust Jon in the mug over and over again.

Heidi Montag on who she looks up to:

"I grew up watching Britney Spears. That’s someone I inspire to be, you know, like, career wise. I think the world is ready for the next pop star and I’m ready to be the next pop galaxy, so here we go.”

In the words of Heidi's long-lost, prettier twin sister Chrissy Crocker: "LEEEEEEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOOONE!!!"

And what in the name of Spencer Pratt's butt tampon is she talking about? Heidi should inspire (we're speaking her language) to have at least one working brain cell before she goes off making such big plans.

VIA Access Hollywood

Poor Tracy. She wasn't used to the fresh sex fumes and it made her a little delirious causing her to confuse her Facebook boxes. It's a good thing Michael found the right box the night before. OW! I hope Tracey's fiance reads this, so he realizes that he needs to put on a mining hat and explore Tracy's love cave more often.

Here's a close-up of Tracy's love note to Michael. Git those cave juices flowin', Tracy!

UPDATE: It looks like Tracy's been hacked (her Facebook page, not her vag). The Next Web thinks 4Chan got a list of devout Christian Facebook users and decided to have a little fun with them. Tracy's page is still active and her sister is so mad about this that she has turned into KANYE WEST. Oh, well. I guess Tracy's love cave is still dry. Sigh. (Thanks Kevin)

VIA Buzzfeed

Patricia Heaton is more annoying than a wart on the peen hole (don't ask), so let's all point and laugh at her stupid ass while watching this clip of her appearance on last night's Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?. Patty was on the show to win $50,000 for her charity, The Patricia Heaton Needs A New Brain Fund. All she had to do was answer one simple question, but even that was too hard for her.

Now, Patty started being annoying right at the beginning by saying people in Middle America are "nicer" and "smarter" than the rest of the country. Then, came the question:

If a euro is worth $1.50, five euros is worth what?

A. Thirty quarters
B. Fifty dimes
C. Seventy nickels
D. Ninety pennies

Patricia said she wasn't good at math, because she went to Ohio State, Yes, that's Patricia being "nicer" than all of us. Then she asked to use one of her life lines and when that failed, she was all ready to throw in the towel. Thankfully for Patricia, Regis was there to take her by the hand, walk her up to the chalkboard and help her answer the question.

Even my stupid ass knew the answer right away. That's saying a lot about Patricia, because I have the math skills of a plastic ficus tree.

Patricia should take whatever it is she's injecting into her lips and put it in her head instead. Maybe that will fill some of the empty space in there.

George Michael was arrested in Berkshire, England yesterday morning after his Land Rover angrily butt fucked a lorry (British-talk for truck) on the highway. Both George and the driver of the lorry he rear-ended were not injured. The cops dragged Georgie in, because he is George Michael which means he was probably under the influence of some kind of shit during the crash. A few hours after his arrest, George was released back into the wild without being charged.

Stupid ass George barely got his license back too. In 2007, his license was suspended for two years after he pleaded guilty to driving while high as fuck.

George and cars are fucking done professionally! They don't go together. All cars should close their key holes to George Michael. We need to get George one of those play cars, so he can sit in his driveway and just pretend he's driving. Dude can even take a hit of the bad shit while "play driving" if that's how he likes to have fun.

Maybe George is getting arrested on purpose so that he can beat Pete Doherty's record.

VIA BBC

Brooke Hogan's album sold 3,500 copies (Yeah, that many) or some shit in its first week, so shouldn't she be dusting off her shelves for all the Grammys she's going to receive or perfecting her tuck game for her massive stadium world tour? You would think. But instead, Brooke Hogan is out giving interviews to Sirius where she's busting on everyone from Beyonce to Cassie to camels (aka her mom):

On Beyonce: "She needs to go and make some babies and chill."

On Cassie's nekkid internet pictures: "Don't show it if it's not right. It's all stretched out."

The funny thing is that Beyonce probably doesn't even know what a Brooke Hogan is. Bitch probably thinks it's a sandwich at Quizno's (lukewarm roast beef served on a stale flat bun with a heaping dollop of bullshit sauce on top). As for Cassie, Brooke is just jealous. Brooke can tuck her dick in between her thighs and pretend she has a vag all she wants, but we all know the truth. And Cassie's "stretched out" vagina is still a zillion times prettier than Brooke's "sperm-count killing" face.

The majority of bitches on Twitter seem to agree. I just spent the last 30-minutes taking notes on the bitchery against Brooke happening on Twitter. Here's just a taste:

arckaye @brookehogan ♥ I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you.

seanblendy @brookehogan Is it possible for your balls to drop lower than your album did?!

Brodi_Avalon @BrookeHogan . Remember, you can't spell " Brooke Hogan " without " Broke Ho"

VIA ONTD

Kourtney Kardashian is 5-months pregnant and the father is her on-and-off-again boyfriend Scott Disick (the "s" is silent). Kourtney is currently working the famewhore stroll to not only promote her fetus, but to also push that reality show she did with accidental coke snatcher Khloe Kardashian. During a radio interview with Ryan Gaycrest this morning, Kourtney talked about how she got pregnant:

"This probably sounds so dumb, but there's so many times I'll forget to take my pill and I don't think it's that big of a deal. It's just so stupid."

Our government has let us down, because any famewhore with the last name Kardashian, Montag, Hilton or Hogan should have to eat, drink, inject and breathe birth control pills all day and night. Even the dudes. It should be a law. And if they forget just once, they should be jailed for the rest of their lives where their mouths will be strapped to an automatic birth control pill feeding machine.

VIA UsWeekly

I watch a lot of Cops, so I feel like I've heard every excuse in the book when a junkhead is caught with the bad shit in their purse, pockets or puss. But I've never heard this one before. Khloe Kardashian tells Life & Style that a vial of White Oprah's favorite nose duster found in her purse wasn't hers and she got creative when explaining how it got there.

Khloe said, "It was in a vial at our new store, Dash Miami, and at first I didn’t even know what it was. My employee was picking up a pile of clothes that customers had tried on, and it fell out. She called me into the dressing room, and it was in a little glass vial. I was leaving the dressing room, and a lot of customers walked in. I didn’t know what to do, so I threw it in my purse. I was like, 'I’ll dispose of this in a second,' and I went to help them. Then I forgot about it."

Yes, Khloe is slapping us in the face with her limp dick and telling us it's erect. Bitch should really teach a class at the Learning Annex on Creative Lie-Telling. Khloe is supposed to be the "smart" Kardashian (fart), so if she came across a vial of coke that wasn't hers, I'm sure she would either: a) hide it in her nose, b) hide it in her pee hole, c) hide it in her a-hole or d) EAT IT.

Khloe, who is currently on probation for a DUI, said if she could do it all over again, she'd run to the bathroom and pour it down the toilet. Translation: She'd run to the bathroom and pour it down her throat.

In other Kardashian news you can lose, Kourtney's mystery baby daddy has been revealed! The daddy is her ex-boyfriend Scott who is now her boyfriend. There you go. You can release your ass cheeks and let your no-no breathe again.