Dumbasses

Michael Douglas' son, Cameron, is currently sitting in a jail cell after he got caught trying to move a bunch of meth from NYC to LA in order to sell it. Because dude is behind bars, he hasn't really been able to get a hit of the bad shit. And that's where his girlfriend/mule comes in....

Radar reports that Cameron's dumb bitch of a girlfriend, Kelly Sott, decided it would be a really ingenious idea to stuff dime bags of heroin into an electric toothbrush in order to get it by jail security. Sonicare full of grace!

While visiting with him yesterday, Kelly tried to pass him the shit, but bitch got caught. Did this trick think Jessica Simpson was a prison guard there, because anybody with half-a-brain-cell could probably see that something shifty was going down. I mean, a toothbrush? Junkies don't brush! Kelly was immediately arrested and the word FAIL was stamped across her forehead.

Kelly might as well have skipped on in with a giant gift box marked "HEROIN 4 Cameron" on it. Meanwhile, Cameron will just have to deal with those druggy shakes and continue to try to get high by licking the radiator and snorting man chowder (his cell mate's idea).

Vanessa Hudgen's Disney nipples made an encore appearance on the internet last week and you know Dane Cook printed out a dozen copies of those pictures and laminated them for his future enjoyment. Dane's wang skin is probably barely growing back after he rubbed it raw from smacking it so much while looking at Vanessa's tittays. But at last night's Teen Choice Awards, Dane tried to play like he wanted her to cover up. Motherfucker, pleeeeeease.

Dane came out, asked Vanessa to show herself and then suddenly turned into Marla Gibbs when he said, "Gurl, you gots to keep yo clothes on. Phonez are for phone calls, gurl."

The funniest part is at the beginning when Vanessa gets all excited after Dane shouts her name. Vanessa is wagging her tail, thinking she's going to get some kind of prize (a new camera phone, maybe?) and then...SMACK! Dane hits her with the nekkid joke. Vanessa tries to do her best bitchface (Professor MiserAlba gives her an F minus), but didn't really pull it off.

Zac Efron probably thought to himself, "Yeah, she really should keep her clothes on, because it makes me feel awkward in the privates when she takes it all off."

I love a good bitch fight, but this is not one. This is kind of sad. Just picture tiny Chris Kattan and little Jeremy Piven barking at each other backstage at Alexa Chung's MTV show. Gatecrasher reports that it all started when Chris rolled in on his Big Wheel, skipped up to Jeremy and said, "So, what are you here to promote, your Broadway play?" Of course, Chris was making fun of how Jeremy dropped out of a play, because he ate too much fish. Jeremy wasn't about to let Chris ZING him like that, so he put down his dolly and fired back, "Well, what are you here to promote? Mango?" BURN! Grab your lunchbox and take a seat, because it's about to be a TODDLER FIGHT!

The two went back and forth for a little bit, but shit got real when Jeremy delivered a low blow by making fun of Chris' "in the gutter" career. That's when Chris realized that Jeremy wasn't playing around, but that he was doing that shit for real. Chris called a time out and told Jeremy that he was just making harmless fish jokes. It wasn't not funny (copryright Tammy from The Real World: Los Angeles) to Jeremy. Before grabbing his dolly and going off to sulk in a corner, he shouted at Chris, "I'm getting sued for that shit! It's not funny!"

15 minutes later, Chris tried to say he was sorry about the whole thing, but Jeremy wouldn't listen and shut the door in his face! Jeremy's spokeswhore laughed off the whole thing and said he knew it was just jokes. But Chris' spokeswhore said something totally different: "Chris mistakenly asked Jeremy if he was there to promote his play and Piven fired back with 'What are you here to promote, Mango?' Chris tried to apologize."

Okay, okay. I take it back. This is a good bitch fight. It's also pretty fucking hilarious. It's like watching my chihuahua growl and snarl at his stuffed toy like he's really ferocious. It makes you go "awwww" in the heart. The same goes with Chris and Jeremy. If only they were wearing little elf costumes. Then it would really be cute. And I'm surprised this fight when on that long. It would be pretty easy to break it up. Someone over 5'7" just had to walk over pick them both up by the collars and then plop 'em back in the sandbox with their toys.

Papa Joe better update Jessica Simpson's resume and immediately forward it to Gerard Butler, because it sounds like the two could be perfectly happy together if she catches him in the right mood. Manwhore Gerard not only wants a woman with succulent breasteses, but it also sounds like he might want one with pork rinds for brains! Gerard said:

"Sometimes along the way in my life I don't want a smart woman right now, I want a dumb woman. But then you think, that doesn't work, now I want a smart woman. Then you get a smart woman and you go no, that doesn't work so it's just killing me right now."

Oh, Gerry. Sometimes he says dumb things (don't we all) and sometimes he says smart things (don't look at me). Wait......AND he also has a really really amazing rack. Maybe Gerry's soulmate is himself? Match made!

Source (Thanks Michelle)

Look at that precious mound of melted down ass dildos called a face. Don't you just want to make a fist, kiss it for luck and then punch it? Well, some lucky asshole beat you to it! Okay, I shouldn't be so hard on Constantine Mouralis, because he got his ass beat while defending the honor of our Vicodin Queen: Paula Abdul. But let's laugh anyway, because that's what Paula would do too (after a shot of lude paste and DayQuil).

Gatecrasher says that at Casio's G-Shock party in NYC on Wednesday night, Connie openly professed his love for Paula Abdul and said that he was hoping she would return to American Idol. Well, there was a Paula Abdul hater (aka a hater of all prescription, over-the-counter and internet-bought meds) in the room and this was his cue to have a beat down party on Connie's face. Or maybe the dude isn't a Paula Abdul hater and he just couldn't resist the urge we all feel when we see Connie's beautiful mug.

A witness, who probably wrecked a good pair of panties (send the bill to Connie) while watching this amazing douche battle royale, said, “It was hilarious! Constantine got into it with this guy who was probably 6 inches shorter and 60 pounds lighter. The guy body-slammed him and punched him in the face and then just stood up, straightened his tie, and said, ‘Bitch, don’t you ever.' Security didn’t know what to make of this guy. He was so well-groomed in his suit, and he didn’t look like a threat at all. Constantine was so overwhelmed he just sat there on the floor for a few minutes.”

Hmmm...6 inches shorter, 60 pounds lighter? Skat Kat is that you?! Maybe Paula owes him some money. Seriously, this sounds like a story Paula would tell her friends while completely sober (that's when she's at her crazy crazy craziest), because it doesn't make any sense.

And "Bitch, don't you ever" is the phrase that pays for the day!

A teacher in Malaysia is in a little trouble after she forced one of her 16-year-old students to smoke 4 cigarettes at a time for two hours straight. The dude smoked a total of 42 ciggies. Dude is probably still pooping ash.

The teacher forced the smoke-a-thon on the student after she discovered a cigarette in his locker. You know homegirl's genius plan backfired. She thought she was going to smoke the habit out of him. Methinks she created a smoke monster! Dude is going to be trolling the gutters for ciggie butts to eat. Good going, teacher.

When the boy's uncle found out about this fuckery, he filed a police report. A police official said, "This is not normal. We don't do that often." Shhhhhh, officer, don't say that so loud! Katherine Hagel is currently on a plane to Malaysia to enroll as a permanent student in that teacher's class. We're finally rid of her annoying ass and we don't want her to know this isn't common practice!

Source

This is the most hurtful, disturbing and ridiculous news I've heard all morning! 24-year-old Kristin Hardy has officially divorced her 85-year-old BILLIONAIRE husband, because he wanted to fuck every minute of the day. Get our your abacuses, class! It's math time: 85-year-old heart + billions of dollars + copious amounts of Viagra + overexertion = AN EASY MARK! Why must I cry?

Joe Hardy, the founder of 84 Lumber, and Kristin were married in 2007 (after dating for a few months), but split up only 3 months later. Kristin says that the marriage immediately went south when Joe gave her a list of things she had to do.

Joe wanted her to spend more time with him and less time with her son from another relationship. Joe demanded that she not text message in front of him, walk around the house in sessy lingerie and give him sex whenever he wanted it. Kristin told The Mirror, "I just could not believe what he wanted me to do. He'd lean over while we were watching TV and grope me. That's not how married couples behave. He expected a feel of tit whenever he wanted, French-kiss him constantly and parade around the house in sexy underwear."

The day after she got the list, Kristin left Joe and went to live with her mother. According to the pre-nup she signed, if Kristin walked away from the marriage, she'd get a box full of NOTHING.

Kristin, who is now engaged to a 28-year-old IT consultant, said she married Joe for love and not for money, "I did not marry him for his money. People were calling me a gold-digger but that could not be further form the truth. I married for love and it is as simple as that." STOP! STOP! STOP! PUT IT DOWN! I can't listen to this anymore. You are hurting me, Kristin! Don't make believe that there's people out there with morals and self-respect. I'm not listening anymore....lalalalalalalalaaaa!

Okay, Joe sounds like a regular Creepy McGrossyOldHands, but what did Kristin expect!? She married a man old enough to be her grand pepaw after only dating him for a few months. It's not like they were the second coming of Brit Brit & Chester Cheetah (the love affair of our time). If only I was in Kristin's life, I'd tell her ass what to do.

All she had to do was tie Joe to the bed, spoonfeed him a delicious Viagra and caramel square shake, blindfold him, stick a vibrating rubber vagina over his geriatric peen and then take her kid shopping for diamond-covered toys. Rinse and repeat.

And if Kristin is truth-telling and really married an 84-year-old billionaire for love, then homegirl needs ten lifetimes of therapy. Marrying a creepy old man for money = SANE. Marrying a creepy old man for love = CERTIFIABLE.

(Thanks Soraya)

Jessica Simpson Twittered this out loud yesterday and really....I can't.....really. I know I'm not one to talk, but...DAMN TO THE FUCK! This has got my two (or three at the most) working brain cells twitching. I mean, she gave us "lazyiness," but spelled "grammar" correctly? Scientists should really study whatever is left of her brain.

You know she probably tried to go to Dictionary.com to answer her question of the century, but ended up at Dicktionary.com instead. For the rest of the day, she only used phrases like "cervix crusader," "baloney pony," and "man-milk dispenser." Papa Joe had the best day ever. His panties didn't.

VIA ONTD

When Tony Romo dumps a ho, he really really dumps a ho. UsWeekly says that when Tony sent Jessica crying into Papa Joe's open arms (wink from Papa to Tony), he immediately told the security at his gated community in Dallas not to let her in no matter what! Tony issued a red alert! Apparently, this sign is at the entrance:

"RED ALERT!!! TONY ROMO HAS MADE SOME CHANGES TO HIS LIST OF PEOPLE ALLOWED IN....JESSICA IS NO LONGER ON THE LIST AND NOT APPROVED FOR ACCESS."

Jessica got moded (since I'm taking us back to sixth grade)! Seriously, Tony is such an asshole. Red alert? What is Jessica going to do? Sing him a love song a capella outside of his window to get him back? Lick his refrigerator and pantry clean while he's gone? Marry him while he's sleeping (takes notes, Aniston)? Okay, maybe he has a point. No, he doesn't.

You know, this reminds of some crazy bitch I used to work with who told the really hot cholita receptionist not to let her boyfriend in, because he pissed her off that morning. So what did the cholita receptionist do when the boyfriend showed up? She flipped her perfectly feathered burgundy hair and said, "She's in the break room. Go ahead."

I really hope Tony's security guards are just like that hot cholita receptionist.

The picture above is Satan's screensaver for the week. FYI. So...

Jon Gosselin is still taking up space in Southampton with fellow douchemeister Michael Lohan. The two took their growing douchemance to some polo game in Bridgehampton yesterday. Jon spoke to both People and UsWeekly and even though he denied dating The Other Kate, he still gave different stories about his love life (puke, wipe, puke, wipe, etc....).

This is what Jon told UsWeekly: "My heart is always with Hailey."

This is what Jon told People: "At this point ... I'm single – per se. I'm just a regular guy who just wants to have friendship and good times. And I like meeting people. She's (Hailey) always a good friend of mine. Her family is so good. They took me in and I lived there for a while. I love them to death. She doesn't like this [craziness]. She loves me for who I am and not for what I do. We are going to chill out for a while and see where it takes us. I'm not looking for anyone."

Hmmm....so this sort of sounds like all you single ladies out there might have a chance at licking on Jon's Bluetooth headset. If you want to be in the running, you better slip on your finest Ed Hardy t-shirt (a dirty diaper dipped in vomit will also work). It will also help your chances if you wax your eyebrows with a piece of duct tape so it looks like they just escaped a meth lab explosion.

Maybe Jon should let Hailey know what's going on. After she saw those pictures of Jon with The Other Kate, she fell into a planter again! Hailey needs to stop burying her emotions in plants. It's not healthy or very green-like.

Somebody please water her!