Dumbasses

Do you hear that? It's music coming from a teeny tiny violin inside Parasite Hilton's crab den. Yes, she has her own mini-orchestra down there. Wonky's crotch crustaceans are a talented bunch. Yes, they are. ANYWAY, the violin music is playing, because she's queefing that whole "I'm not dumb and I'm not a slut" song again.

When talking about the "character" she created, Parasite said: "In a way it's good, but I also don't want people thinking of me as this blond heiress…airhead. But that is kind of my brand. I make a lot of money by doing that. I always looked up to Princess Diana and all these women, and now I could never be like that. I want to have a family. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I have to worry about people thinking I'm a slut and thinking I'm something that I'm not."

Every story I've heard from hos in the trenches about Paris are the same. They all say, "She really is dumb" and "She really is a slut." In fact, in some countries, "dumb slut" translates into Paris Hilton. And as a proud dumb slut myself, there's nothing wrong with it! She needs to stop moaning about how she's like Princess Diana and embrace her dumb slutiness. Or stop being such a dumb slut and prove otherwise!

Source: E! Online

This is the time where we all open our windows and shout "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, PARIS HILTON" in unison, because maybe our voices will carry throughout the land and break the crusty jizz barriers in Wonky's ears so she can finally get the message. I say this, because Parasite told Extra that Michael Jackson's daughter was named after her:

"My mom and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13. So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me. So he asked my mom if it was okay and of course she said yes and I think she's such a beautiful little girl and I'm proud we have the same name."

When whatever is left of her brains finally falls out of her asshole and she shoves it back in her head, she'll also realize that there's cities in France, Texas and Arkansas named Paris too. After her!

Paris, the only thing that will truly be named after you is a strain of the herp.

Here's the delusional one at the premiere of her MTV documentary Paris, Not France last night.

On the drunk hour of Today this morning, Tori Spelling (who's filling in for Hoda Kotb) said it was "hump day." This caused a giant bubbly question mark to form above Kathie's head, because she claims she's never heard of the term "hump day" being used to describe the middle of the week. Kathie then said that "hump day" for her and Frank is usually on Thursdays. I would say that it's too early for this shit, but it's ALWAYS too early to hear about Kathie and Frank awkwardly smashing into each other's weathered genitals.

Crazy is really an amazing drug.

Jeffrey Donovan from USA's Burn Notice (and that "HE IS NOT MY SON" movie with St. Angie) was busted in Miami last week for driving with the drunks. The cops didn't have to work hard to catch Jeffrey. TMZ says that according to the police report, the arresting officer was sitting in his car when he heard a loud ass screech behind him. When he turned around, he saw Jeffrey's drunk ass swerving his car to avoid hitting the cop car. Jeffrey should've just jumped into the cops lap and held his hands out to be handcuffed. I mean, really...

When the cop approached Jeffrey's window, he immediately smell the sweet scent of life's nectar wafting out of Jeffrey's breathing area. Jeffrey told the cop, "Sorry, I didn't see the red light or your stopped car." When asked if he had anything to drink, Jeffrey answered, "I had three drinks at the Fontainebleau."

The cop gave him a sobriety test which Jeffrey failed with flying colors. After the cop delivered the news that he was about to go to the clink, Jeffrey said, "The only mistake I made tonight was drinking Benadryl with 3 glasses of wine." And he followed them gem up with another, "I really think I'm only borderline and not too drunk." If I got a dildo for every time I said that last line before falling over, I'd be drowning in plastic dicks.

Jeffrey should've taken his LOL lines further. Dude should've told the cops that the truth is the wine bottle violated him by forcing its juices down his throat. And that he's happy the cop is there so that he can file a report against the wine bottle. Actually, I bet Kiefer Sutherland has already used that excuse....

During the Sotomayor hearings yesterday afternoon, Senator Jeff Sessions said they were all going to light the pipe and have themselves a crack smokin' party! And here I was thinking that most senators spend their breaks tap dancing for dick in the bathroom.

VIA Towleroad

SPOILER ALERT! The dumb skanks of Big Brother haven't even been in the house for a week and they are already throwing racial slurs at each other. Yeah, I guess I should be surprised that it took them this long.

The slur came from the mouth of Braden, the model/actor/surfer/fashion icon (his words, not mine) who once flashed (NSFW) flashed his wang on an episode of Dante's Cove.

During a bitch fight today, Braden said to Kevin, "What the fuck are you? You're a Mexican from San Diego!" While Kevin (who is half black and half Asian) screamed, "I AM NOT A MEXICAN," Braden kept saying, "You're a fucking beaner. You're all beaners!"

Braden makes no sense. Why does he think "You're a Mexican from San Diego" is a major insult? For shits, I googled "Mexican from San Diego" and got a picture of a surprised turtle and a picture of delicious tacos. That looks like a compliment to me.

This reminds me of the time in junior high school when some idiotic bitch called me a "gay wetback." I had to burst her racial slur bubble by telling her that I was born here. But that didn't stop her! She had the perfect comeback: "Okay, well you're a wannabe gay wetback then and that's like way worse." And she's an authentic dumb fuck.

Braden later apologized to Kevin.

I think that CBS should do things a little differently this season. This Thursday, instead of sending someone home, the producers should release a pack of rabid boars into the house. Because it's only going to get worse.

(Thanks Colette)

The City of Stockton, CA needs to bottle their own water and sell it at bars across the world (preferably one near me), because it's obviously some potent shit! It's got hos seeing things with their own eyes! You see, a neighborhood in Stockton believes that the image of Michael Jackson is on that tree stump. They need more people.

The dude who owns the tree said Michael's image suddenly appeared on the tree stump the day he passed away. That weekend, crowds began to gather around the stump. One neighbor said, "Michael Jackson was an icon to us. To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us than Jesus, to some people. I think they're both about even."

Michael visited Stockton 20 years ago after a school shooting.

Raise your hand if see Michael on that tree stump. If you're raising your hand, then I'm guessing a bong is in the other. Or your fifth cocktail of the day. I squinted my eyes and even look at this upside down. I still don't see Michael Jackson! I kind of see an evil bunny rabbit with abnormally long whiskers and no ears, but I don't see MJ.

Source VIA The Awl

Gary Coleman's giant ginge wife, Shannon Price (don't even mention it), was arrested at their home in Utah on Wednesday night for midget abuse and acting the fool. TMZ says that the two had some kind of argument. Shannon told Gary to go sit in the "time out" corner, but he wouldn't listen, so she locked him out of the house and refused to let him in.

Shannon then went into Gary's room and destroyed everything he loves like his favorite big boy pants, his booster seat and his Cuddle Buddy. Gary called the police and Shannon had some Dlisted-approved words for them when they arrived. According to the report, Shannon called the cop a "fucker" and then followed it up by saying, "fuck you and fuck him!" Obviously, that didn't go over well with the cops, so she was arrested and shuffled off to jail. She was later released on $1,205 bail.

For why are these two still together? Anybody who saw their wrong asses on Divorce Court or The Ty Ty Baby Show know that they HATE hate HATE each other in the worst possible way. I mean, they've never done fucky times together and Gary even threw a printer at Shannon once. If Shannon is using him for his cash, then she's the worst gold digger of all-time, because I doubt he's making major bank from selling his Gap Kids khakis on eBay.

It's a shame that they can't get along, because they really are a match in Kentucky Derby heaven. With his small stature and her horsey physique, they could go all the way!

Lady CaCa visted an HIV support center in Manchester, England yesterday and talked about how she was doing charity work when she was a toddler.

Lady CaCa's mouth farted this: “I’ve been doing volunteer work since I was two. When I can, I do everything I can for those in need.”

Oh, she's being modest! Lady CaCa gave a special gift to the world as soon as she was born! She gave us the gift of regular bowel movements, because every time I see her my ass heads for the nearest toilet.

VIA The Sun

Those Hilton dumpsters really know how to be massive cuntoids (and not in a good way). Nicky Hilton must have gotten bored with laughing at people inside of the club, so she took her bitch act outside to cackle and point at the sad saps who couldn't get in.

Page Six says that Nicky and her dick bag boyfriend David Katzenberg sat outside of East Hampton's Lily Pond club on Saturday night laughing at all the rejects. A source said Nicky "stayed outside, hysterically laughing every time someone wasn't let in. She was loving it."

This hag needs to wipe the coke dust off the mirror and have a good look if she wants a real laugh. Bitch looks like the reflection of a downsy pony in a funhouse mirror.

Where was a drunken Lizzie Grubman in her SUV when you needed her? Lizzie, this would've been a perfect time for an encore performance. You disappointed us all!