Dumbasses

I wish there was such thing as CLT+ALT+FLUSH INTO THE TOILET, because that's where this picture belongs. So why is Horsey Montag's face slowly melting into her lap? It's because she's got the sads. Well, also her face is 99% plastic and the Costa Rican heat is turning it into an overcooked Shrinky Dink, but mostly because she's sad. Heidi and her walking fleshy pube bush husband, Spencer Twatt, have been in South America for just a couple of days filming I'm A Famewhore, Give Me Relevance and they already want out! The reality show premieres tonight and Twit and Twat have already threatened to walk off twice!

A source told Ryan Seacrest that on day one of filming they complained about the conditions. The show is about a bunch of celebwhores trying to survive in the middle of the jungle, but these two dick farts thought they would be living the life. The source went on to say, "They wanted to be treated like stars. Spencer literally thought he and Heidi were staying in a Four Seasons, working out and getting a tan."

They also complained that the rest of the cast (which includes Janice Dickinson and Lou Diamond Phillips) just isn't starry enough for them. The source says that Heidi complained, "I wish they got some real celebrities like K-Fed."

Obviously, this is just some manufactured stunt that was created to get us to watch this desperate spectacle. Like Twit and Twat would ever walk away from a camera?! Not even if a tiger was mauling their pathetic asses. Speaking of, methinks Heidi doesn't have to worry about anything in the jungle attacking her ass, because there's not a beast on this planet (besides Spencer) that wants to put THAT in its mouth.

And what happened to you, Lou Diamond Phillips?! From La Bamba to Young Guns to 7 episodes of Numb3rs to THIS?! THE ECONOMY is really going too far, but Lou had other options! Seriously, selling your ass on the ho stroll is more respectable than this wreck of wrecks!

The dolt who is suing Chris Brown and L.A. Fitness is the star witness for the defense thanks to this video shot right after the incident. Robert Rosen filed a lawsuit yesterday claiming Chris' bodyguards and a gym employee caused him to fall down the stairs. Robert says that while he was lying on the ground, they beat his ass. They must have beat all the common sense out of his ass.

In the video, Robert seems as perky as a boner. Robert laughs it off to the paps and said that falling down the stairs was kind of his fault. Oh, well. It doesn't look like money is going to rain all over Robert any time soon. At least he's always have his looks. I wonder what the demand is for a third-rate Rob Estes impersonator?

You know Justin Gaston? He's the panty model who gets paid to let Miley Cyrus nibble on his hair and braid his bushy brows with her tongue. Yeah, that one. Well, he had some kind of video interview with Details Magazine and this shit is beyond! This is what I imagine Christopher Guest's dreams look like. I wasn't even making out with my bong while watching this and I walked away feel like my tongue was going to fall out.

But you know Miley thinks he's like the smartest man since Orville Redenbacher. Which he totally is! I mean, here's a few quotes from the video that will make your brain twitch:

On who will play him in a movie:
"If Ashton Kutcher played me. Like, he would be a funnier me. He's a pretty funny guy. But I'm going to say Johnny Depp, just cause I like Johnny Depp and we're just going to get crazy, like. Like Johnny Depp's going to play an older me. Like when I'm older. Cause he's a really cool actor and then I'll seem really cool."

On who he would like to trade lives with:
"I'd like to be one of those lap dogs that just get petted all day. Cause they just have the best life. They wake up, they get fed and they get attention all the time. I like attention. I don't like to be by myself, so I want to be one of those little dogs. Is that weird?"

Um. Isn't he already like one of those little dogs? I bet Miley makes him crawl on all fours around the house with a pink ribbon in his hair. I would! I would also lay in his lap and stroke his brows while he tells me what's hurting his purdy little brain. He'd tell me all about the white shirt he's wearing that was woven by God himself and carried down by the angels.

And it gets better! Justin has Psalm 7:8 tattooed right above his butt cheek. It says: "Judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness." Justin explained it, "I don't want to be judged—so I put it on my body in an attempt to become that bold."

Dude is either as dumb as a butt plug or he is a comic genius! Actually, I'm pretty sure he's both! I think I'm in love....

Josh Brolin is one of those dudes that I always forget is an authentic and pure asshole. When I look at pictures of him the word "fucktard" doesn't immediately jump out at me, but every now and again I'm reminded of his assholian ways. Like the time he allegedly got physical (and not in the Olivia Newton-John way) with Diane Lane. This was back in 2004 and Josh was arrested for domestic battery. Diane later dropped the charges and said it was all a misunderstanding. Well, Josh might be at it again. InTouch says that Josh was caught getting intimate with a woman who isn't his wife.

On May 21st, Josh and some local broad named Melissa Green were partying at New Orlean's Royal Street Inn. Josh is currently filming Jonah Hex down there. A witness-type said that after they finished boozing, Josh took Melissa to the movie's set at 11:35 pm. They stuck around there for several hours and left together at 7:23 am. The witness added, “Josh looked like he hadn’t slept at all. She was wearing the same outfit as the night before and looked embarrassed.”

InTouch offers up that picture on the left as PROOF! Yeah, I believe it. Although, it doesn't look like he's having an affair with a woman. It looks like he's having an affair with a giant pole. He's looking at it like he can't wait to caress and embrace it.

Would Josh really cheat on Cherry Valance?! Didn't he learn anything from Unfaithful? Cheating only leads to you getting hit over the head with a snow globe, rolled into a rug and stuffed into the truck of a car. Your body will spend the rest of eternity in front of a traffic light.

I know we all got part-times jobs as a cocktail waitresses/models hoping that one day George Clooney will sweep in, see that we serve alcoholic beverages, fall madly in love with us and then whisk us off to Italy where we'll spend our days licking his taint. Well, the dream came true for one bitch, but it wasn't us. George's latest cocktail waitress love is some ho named Lucy Wolvert who he met while filming a movie in Miami.

UsWeekly (via Parade) says that George and Lucy have been bumping nipples for a few weeks, but he wants to keep the whole thing hush hush. Lucy, who is also a model (give me that eye roll), couldn't keep her pie hole shut and is telling all her friends that she's doing The Clooney. A source said, "Her crush may have gotten the best of her. George asked Lucy to be discreet, but she's told friends and they've started talking."

Why are these whores so dumb dumb in the brains?! Why oh why?! When a peen that shoots loads of money comes into your life, you have to play it cool. Especially if the peen belongs to George. One little peep and George is out the door. Didn't these slags learn anything from that dumbass call girl Sarah Larson?!

With George, you gotta put on a Benjamin Button's mask, pretend you're Brad Pitt, hop on that dick and then get knocked up! And you keep your lips shut until the fetus is comfortably ready to pop. Then you start blabbing and collect your check. I swear. Someone should really teach a class to cocktail waitresses/models at the Learning Annex called How To Catch The Clooney in 5 Easy Steps.

A reader sent me this story from Australia about some bitch named Clare who offended people when yapping about a shooting she witnessed in Sydney on Sunday. You see, Clare used the term "wog" which I was told is totally offensive. I've never really heard that term before, so the first thing I pictured was an animal who is a cross between a hog and a wombat. Yeah, a hog/wombat hybrid would be fuglier than anything between Paris Hilton's legs, but I didn't understand why that shit would be considered offensive. Then I googled it, asked around and learned that "wog" is actually an ethnic slur. Wiki says: "The term traditionally denoted immigrants principally of Southern European, and Eastern European origins (and since then, their descendants)."

Anyway, Clare and her stupid ass has become an overnight sensation over in Australia. The dumb bitch had to hire a spokeswhore and people are even selling Clare t-shirts. Really, what does this chick expect? That she's going to become the next Nicole Kidman or something? Sorry, bitch, but you'll probably get to be a fluffer in a low-budget porn and that's it!

However, if this ho was American, she'd be first-runner up in the Miss USA pageant. Truth.

And the dude who says the shooting was "awesome" is the one who should be getting all the attention.

(Thanks Becks)

Oh, that Kanye! He really knows how to keep the LOLs rolling through the internets. He should take his act on the road and call it the Delusional Kings of Comedy! Kanye just loves to fart in his own hand, inhale it (it's like helium), hit the CAPS-LOCK key and then go fucking at it. That's what must have done today with this latest post, because this is a motherfucking crazy doozy.

Kanye was commenting on some pictures the paps took of RiRi when he started to go into another world. Kanye went there and I really wish he hadn't. See what I mean:

FRESH ASS PICTURE!!! YO WHY CAN'T ALL PAPARAZZI PHOTOS BE THIS GOOD? WELL OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE MOST CELEBS JUST AREN'T RIHANNA LOL! ... BUT ON THE REAL, THIS PIC IS HARDCORE. PEEP THE PERSPECTIVE SHOT OF THE CITY IN THE BACK. SOMETIMES THE PAPS OVEREXPOSE THE LENS OR HAVE THE FLASH TOO HIGH TAKING ALL THE EMOTION OUT OF THE MOMENT. THIS MOMENT IS CAPTURED IN TIME NOW. I LOOK AT OUR CURRENT SUPERSTARS LIKE LEGENDS IN THE MAKING... LIKE JUSTIN IS THE NEW MIKE , BEYONCE'S THE NEW TINA TURNER, GAGA'S MADONNA, JAY IS SINATRA... WAYNE IS HENDRIX, THOM YORKE IS ROGER WATERS, THESE ARE THE CHAMPIONS AND SHOULD BE DOCUMENTED AS SUCH. THAT SAID, IT WOULD BE DOPE IF THE PAPS OPERATED WITH THE SAME INTEGRITY AND ATTENTION TO THEIR CRAFT AS THE LEGENDS THEY PHOTOGRAPH..... GOOD JOB ON THIS ONE!

Was is it just me or were you expecting to hear a joke drum on loop, because the whole post is punchline after punchline!

And you know that in the blog post in his mind he added: KANYE WEST IS THE NEW GOD!!!!!!!!!! Bitch can part the Red Sea just by hitting his CAPS-LOCK key!

Jermaine Dupri showed his love for Janet Jackson by getting a tattoo of her a few steps from his hairy pit area. This isn't confirmed, but I'm pretty sure that's Vadge's sascrotch is leasing space on Jermain's pit. I'd recognize that overgrown pussy bush anywhere! Somebody please put a maxi-pad over it!

I know you're thinking that the tattoo is a little big, but it really isn't if you think about it. I mean, Jermaine is the size of a Travelocity gnome, so that tattoo isn't bigger than your thumb. See, not that big.

Hopefully, Janet doesn't feel like she has to return the love token by getting his lil ogre face tattooed on her. That would be considered body abuse.

VIA the.LIFE Files

It made sense when MTV made a documentary on Our Lady of Cheetos. Yeah, it was propaganda, but it was still pretty entertaining. I mean, Velveeta grits? Need I say more? MTV's newest documentary follows a wet piece of dog caca laying out in the hot sun. For some reason, they felt like the world wanted to know more about the half-melted dildo known as Parasite Hilton. I'd rather watch a documentary on cornstarch. Shit, I'd rather watch a documentary on the day-to-day life of her herp warts. That shit would be more riveting.

This summer MTV is airing a documentary called Paris, Not France. And I'm sure the whole thing fails on an epic scale just like the title. It's shot in black and white, so that means it's all serious-like and deep! And she mostly uses her bit dude voice instead of her whory baby voice, so that means we should take her seriously now.

In trailer above, the dumb whore does nothing but whine about how the world sees her as "as Barbie with a perfect life, a fantasy...whatever." The difference is we actually respect Barbie. Bitch can fly planes and shit, but Parasite can't even suck a dick right!

And here's a vomit-covered gem I leave you with: “That's not what I wanted when I was a little girl. It's not what I planned. I always looked up to people like Princess Diana and now I can never be like that.”

Jennifer Aniston is kind of insane. And she's really "polar bear diving crazy" when it comes to her hair. A couple of months ago, there was a rumor that Jenny made FOX pay almost $80,000 to fly her hairslave, Chris McMillan, to Europe where she was promoting that dead dog movie. Well, when it came time to shoot Management, Maddox's greatest rival wanted to go for a homelier look (all together now...HA!), but didn't want to touch her precious locks. So Jenny got Chris to customize a wig. The total price came to (read this in a Kanye CAPS-LOCK scream) $10,000!!!11!!1!!!!!!!!!! For fucking real! Someone got tricked! The kitchen ass wig laying at the bottom of my closet from ten Halloweens ago (I was Mimi from the Heartbreaker video. DON'T ASK) looks better than that!

The hairstylist on the film told People, “She wanted to look very different, but didn’t want to cut or dye her hair. The color was very complimentary on her. She’s got wonderful warm skin. With that blond hair, she’s very known as Jennifer Aniston and I think sometimes that takes away from watching the story."

Yeah, um, that bitch still looks like Rachel from Friends. Even if they put a $10,000 wig on her chin, she'd still look like Jennifer Aniston. WIG FAIL.