On the right is Michelle Williams after Edward Scissorhands did her up and on the left is an emo guinea pig who would care about Michelle stealing its look, but it's too busy crying and dying on the inside.
Like I even need to ask who won this Hair Battle Spectacular. Michelle Williams TRIED IT and she can use those ode to Robert Smith hanging pieces to floss her top teeth or pick her nose if she doesn't want to use her finger, but the emo guinea pig has this now and forever. If you're going to work the emo guinea pig haircut, you have to at least look like you're on the verge of crying tears of infinite sadness and that your life is a never-ending Smiths song. Michelle Williams is smiling! That ruins everything. But really, when are celebrities (I'm also talking to your ass too, Justin Bieber) going to realize that the emo guinea pig haircut only works when you're an emo guinea pig!
Emo guinea pig, you won this round like you win all those rounds. Although, I doubt you care, so just shrug and go back to painting your guinea pig nails black.
Here's Michelle, Kelly Bensimon, Giada De Laitstooearlyformetogooglethecorrectspellingofhername, Kate Mara and Maggie Gyllenhaal at the launch of Kate Young for Target in NYC last night.
Today in L.A., Jason Segel is slowly peeling off the picture of Michelle Williams from his iPhone before he dramatically falls into the open arms of one of his puppets. Because UsWeekly says that after dating for about a year, Michelle Williams and Jason Segel broke up earlier this month. You can go ahead and add "Forgetting Sarah Marshall 2" to your Netflix queue right now, because Jason is going to violently type that script out right after he finishes bawling in the arms of one of his puppets.
A source tells UsWeekly that Jason and Michelle's love ended, because she lives in Brooklyn and he lives in Los Angeles, and one can only breathe in so much airplane air before they're like, "Fuck this."
Jason seemed like a first degree clinger and he probably wanted to do it in his puppet room way too often, but I still thought they would last forever in Hollywood time, which is like two years. Oh well, at least Jason has his puppets. They will never leave him! And yeah, you know one of his puppet looks like this.
The fame whoring leg move died the day after St. Angie Jo did it at the Oscars and then it woke up and quickly died again when JLo did it, and now it's definitely covered with grave dirt, because Michelle Williams has ended the trend by bringing us a new trend. At the Hollywood premiere of Oz: The Great and Powerful (which sadly isn't about Dr. Oz's eternal search for the perfect banana-shaped shit) last night, Michelle Williams wore a dress that was business in the front and party on the side.
Michelle wore some Prada window panel covered with mirrored flowers and when she turned to the side, she gave hos a peak of her memaw chonies. This works for me, because she can squat a piss out almost anywhere with ease and because you should always look like you're ready for a pool party. I had this friend in high school who wore a bikini under every damn outfit during the summer, because she always wanted to be ready to tan at a moment's notice. Or maybe she was an underage on-call stripper and needed to wear her uniform underneath her clothes at all times. That's possible.
So the side thigh is officially in. Everybody grab your skirts, dresses, pants, culottes, whatever and slit the side of that shit so your side thigh is always showing. I want to see all the side thighs.
Obviously, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz and James Franco didn't get the memo, because they kept their side thighs to themselves last night. But James Franco did float into the premiere on a balloon that was filled with more hot air than him. That's an accomplishment!
The next three Star Wars movies will be shot in somebody's garage and all the costumes will be made of cardboard and empty Mountain Dew cans, because Disney put all their money and more into the Wizard of Oz prequel, Oz: The Great and Powerful. Disney released the first full trailer for it this morning.
My abuelita had this moving waterfall painting in her bedroom that came alive when you plugged it in. The entire painting lit up, the waterfall moved, birds chirped and the rainbow over the water glowed. It was more real-looking and awe-inspiring than anything in the Oz: The Great and Powerful trailer. I know it's not supposed to look like real life, but damn. If they were going to use this much CGI, they should've used some CGI magic to make James Franco look anything but smug. I know, I'm just saying that because I'm jealous of the fact that Franco is an award-winning blogger.
Oz: The Great and Powerful is basically just a damage control piece, because they want us to believe that before the Wizard was a cranky, old, assholian bitch, he was a good man who wanted to do great things. Please, the Wizard of Oz was born a straight-up bitch and Disney can't convince me otherwise.
All shade aside, this doesn't look as awful as I thought it was going to look. It looks like the perfect movie to get stoned to (but what isn't?). My only real problem is that somebody needs to give Michelle Williams a hug or some TUMS already. Girl always looks like she's either got bad indigestion or she just watched the last part of Where the Red Fern Grows. Or maybe Michelle is just on the verge of letting out a stream of happy tears, because she can't believe that she's acting opposite the greatest artist in the world: James Franco.
This is what Disney got when they threw together $200 million, Sam Raimi James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz, Michelle Williams, Zach Braff (???) and slightly more special effects than your average Mimi photo shoot. This is the trailer for the prequel of Wizard of Oz, Oz: The Great And Powerful and it comes out next year after the world has ended.
James Franco plays some kind of scheming magician who gets sucked into a tornado and travels to a land made of leftover CGI effects from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. James then meets the three witches: Mila Kunis, who looks like a cross between a bootleg Carmen Sandiego and a lost character from Clue, Rachel Weisz and Michelle Williams. Even in a damn children's movie Michelle Williams looks sad, cold and on the verge of tears. Somebody get her a space blanket and a basket of kittens. Michelle plays Glinda, so shouldn't she be like singing and blowing out bubbles and shit? Anyway, once James meets them, they somehow decide that he's the first coming of God and is going to save Oz. It's kind of like how James Franco thinks he, James Franco, is the first coming of God and is going to save us with his ART.
Also, am I the only one who wishes that Oz: The Great And Powerful was a movie about Christopher Meloni having non-stop butt sex in a prison shower?
Click here if you can't see the trailer above.
UsWeekly has a picture of humanized Pixie stick Michelle Williams holding hands with Jason Segel in his coat pocket while strolling through Brooklyn four days ago. Either Michelle is super meta and is playing Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe as Lindsay Lohan and is pickpocketing Jason right under his eyes, or these two are in looooooove. UsWeekly says it's the latter and a source tells them that Jason has been spending time in Brooklyn with Michelle and her kid.
Michelle and Jason met through their friend Busy Phillips a long ass time ago, but they only recently started farting hearts out of their eyes for each other. One source says, "She hasn't been this happy in a long time." This is probably why Jason temporarily tore his heart off of his sleeve and placed it into the hands of his Twitter followers a few weeks ago (Jason has since deleted that shit):
Honestly a totally hypothetical question but I'm curious. If I fell in love would you guys be happy?
We don't even know each other and you guys want me to be happy. I'm not being sarcastic at all when I say that actually means a lot.
It's come to this. This is why you should not operate Twitter while under the influence of the drug known as LOVE. Did Jason really get on one knee and ask his followers for permission to hump a piece full-time? I just...no. You might see this as cute, but I see this as some shit that is going to put me in a neck brace from shaking my head so much.
I've only seen one picture of Jason with Michelle and I can already tell that they're THAT couple. You know, that couple who is like kryptonite to us bitter old bitches. Like I was at some grocery store in California a couple of weeks ago, and a couple like THAT was in front of me in the checkout line. The girl kissed on her man's neck and said, "Tell me you love me." And he goes, "I love you, baby." And she goes, "Tell me again." And he goes, "I love love love you." And she goes, "One more time." And he goes, "I love you infinity." And I wanted to go, "Tell me to punch both of you gross bitches in the face, because I really want to," but I was too busy trying to stop the barf from splashing against my teeth.
Nothing says "Stacy Keibler, please pick up the box of your belongings at the front gate and immediately report to the halfway house for exCLOONunicated hos" like this picture of George Clooney queefing hearts from her eyes while holding hands with his new heartmate Colin Firth at the BAFTAs in London tonight. Finally, after trying out bland trick after bland trick (the robot call girl that is Sarah Larson is not included in that list), George Clooney chose a red carpet escort I can finally get behind in every fucking sense.
You know it's a perfect match when George has a sneaky "I've got the double-sided dildo if you've got a high tolerance for pain" look in his eyes and Colin Firth is trying to quietly scream HELP! with his facial expression. Luckily for him, Colin Firth managed to get away and George was stuck with his other soul(and hole)mate, Brad Pitt who left St. Angie in her crypt tonight.
And before I get to who showed up to that shit tonight to get their award (winners here and Uggie was robbed yet again), let's all throw up our hands and watch as our chonies shoot off of our crotches from the sight of this:
It's not unusual to hump your monitor when you see the original panty creamer Tom Jones. Tom looks like a stick of dynamite filled with Cheetos dust just exploded up in his face and he's still excited about it. This is the charbroiled piece George Clooney should hire as his next escort.
Anyway, here's all the tricks and hos who got glamour ready by spraying their crotches with perfume for the BAFTAs tonight: Jessica Chastain, Jean Dujardin with his wife, Gary Oldman with his wife, Octavia Spencer, Christina Hendricks and her magnificent chichis, an alien from planet Disco Ball, TILDA!!!, Viola Davis, Meryl Streep, Michelle Williams, Penelope Cruz, Brad Pitt, Colin Firth with his wife, DanRad, Clooney and the hot piece who can give me melanoma of the tongue if I lick on him.
Because the HERP DERP Vogue cover of Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe wasn't bad enough, here is a tiny peek of her in motion as MM in the preview for Simon Curtis' My Week with Marilyn that also stars Kenneth Branagh (as Laurence Olivier), Judi Dench, Emma Watson, Dominic Cooper, Julia Ormond (as Vivien Leigh) and Eddie Redmayne.
I've seen some shittier Marilyn Monroe impersonations (see: Lindsay Lohan) that really mulches all of the soil at the Westwood Village Memorial Park Cemetery and any trick (except Eddie Cibrian) who was in But I'm Not A Cheerleader can do no wrong in my eyes, but it's hard for me to look at this shit and not say, "Grams, come and get this child!"
By the looks of this trailer, Simon should've made Judi and Michelle switch roles. And then he should've taken a sharp switch to those parched bangs on Emma Watson.
Michelle Williams tells Hobo Magazine (via UsWeekly) that she sometimes lets her mind twirl around in the puffy clouds and dreams of one day trading in six-figure paychecks for shit swipes on white briefs. Michelle saw some stage show in Paris and it gave her ideas of quitting acting to become a laundress or chef. My Chinese laundry lady would curse this wittle white bitch out in her native tongue, but her hiss time is already full with cursing my name for various reasons I do not wish to discuss.
This is the dream bubble bullshit Michelle said to Hobo:
I went to see two productions put on by Complicite, Simon’s theatre troupe and felt like I had the sleep rubbed out of my eyes. It seemed like a new horizon for me. I often dream of quitting acting. Walking away and becoming a laundress or a sous chef or maybe writing other people’s love letters for a living. Clearly, I don’t like to be in charge. And thinking of quitting is just keeping going in disguise. When you have options, anything is bearable. It’s when a situation is inescapable that it becomes hell. It seems to me that as soon as you get good at something, it is a sure sign that it is about to walk out of your life because it ceases to hold your mind and creative energy hostage.
This head in the clouds ho right here. Newsflash, Michelle. You ain't Daniel Day-Lewis and life ain't like My Beautiful Laundrette.
Like Michelle Williams said, she's rich so it's easy for her to think that doing laundry is a glamorous aria like it is in the operas! This chick probably thinks that when you're a laundress, you get to wear a pristine white cotton dress and leap through the grass fields before you play a game of peek-a-boo with your fellow laundresses in between the bed sheets hanging on the clothesline. Then Michelle will whistle a happy tune as she skips down a pathway, holding a wicker basket full of folded white laundry that smells like the spring rain and flower farts.
Guess what, Michelle? In reality, that grassy knoll with the clothesline is really a hot, dirty storefront full of hos who don't want to be there. That laundry in the wicker basket needs to be folded by you. Some prop master isn't going to hand it to you. You have to stare at faded period stains on a sheet while trying to fold it. You have to look at a man's chonies and try to figure out if that yellow stain is from last-minute bladder drops or dried jizz.
I swear, those Snuggle Bear commercials are giving some hos uneducated dreams.
Because every white actress with a SAG card has to terrorize the image of Marilyn Monroe by playing her, Michelle Williams is playing MM in that My Week with Marilyn movie and here she is in full MM drag on the cover of October's (Happy Halloween!) Vogue. Yes, this is Michelle Williams AS Marilyn Monroe. It's not a still from a Halloween episode of Dawson's Creek where Jen is waiting for Grams to pick her up after Henry dumps her at a costume party or some shit. It's very "Ahs juss sittin' here waitin' for my ride.... durp... durp.... durp... duuuuuuuuuuurp."
Why couldn't they get the other Michelle Williams (from Destiny's Child) to play Marilyn Monroe instead?