T.I.

In the picture above, Tiny is most likely giving T.I. a side of handjob with his soup. And this is exactly the kind of behavior that earned him a case of Smurf balls and a trip to a "Special Housing Unit." T.I. is currently serving time in Arkansas for violating his probation and he got into more trouble over the weekend with some prude ass prison guards for violating decency by letting his wife Tiny yank on his Shake Weight.

TMZ says that the prison rules state that inmates are only allowed to kiss, hug and hold hands with their loved ones during visiting hours. The visiting room staff must be able to see hands at all times, so finger creeping down into the bush is strictly prohibited. T.I. tried to jizz all over those rules, but a security guard caught him before he could finish. Prison officials punished his ass by sending him to a part of the prison where there's more security and less freedom for inmates.

Don't security guards have bigger things to worry about than Babe's cousin sticking to her vows by hand fucking her husband in the visiting room of a prison?! Damn. It's not like Tiny was wiping her ass juices off of T.I.'s peen after doing anal with him on the picnic table in front of everyone! It was just a measly hj. Besides, a handjob is a form of hugging! That technicality should get T.I. off...in more ways than one.

Based on the fact that T.I. keeps getting caught doing illegal shit, you'd think he loves washing his ass crack with state-issued soap around a dozen man fupas and also loves eating all of his meals on a tin plate, but this isn't the case. T.I., who is currently serving an 11-month sentence for violating his probation, ran a cup along the bars of his cell and howled out a "woe woe wooooooe is me" tear-stained soliloquy about how he's sick of being locked up. These are the tears that Tip shed all over his website yesterday:

This experience is truly a pain I have never felt before and that’s saying a lot for a nigga who’s been down locked up as many times as I have. I see this as a real ass whoopin’. The kind you don’t just go back outside to play afterwards. You take ya ass to bed and don’t come out of your room until it’s time to go to school. I don’ t know what effect this will have on my life moving forward but I’m certainly sick and mother fucking tired of going to jail, juve, prison, the pen, correctional facilities or whatever else you want to call it. I’d have been better off doing a 5-10 year bid one time than going in time and time again for days, weeks and months for the last 15 years of my life. Even though it’s been a long road, I’m still standing, barely but nevertheless still standing. At one time I thought my motivation for continuing was for my fans, my partna Philant, my pops, my grandmama, even for the haters or the people I let down. But nah… I got to do this shit for me!!! I’ll be God damned if I’ve come all this way and made it through so much hell to let it go down like this! Fuck that! If an hour in the dark is worth a second in the sun then pass me my mother fuckin’ shades cause I’m ready to cash my darkest hours in…ASAP!!!

A lot of folks had fathers or father figures in the house to raise them into manhood. I’m not trying to make any excuses for my situation but my father was a hustler that lived in New York. My uncle was a local big time dope boy turned 10 year federal inmate. My mother and grandparents did the best they could but I found my manhood in the trap and in prison systems. But I found it. And nan one of mine will ever have to feel the cold tight grip of a handcuff or grace the presence of a jail cell if I can help it. Over my dead body! So if you can’t respect that you ain’t rocking with my movement then Fuck you dog! I know a bunch of mother fuckers who are…..

- Love KING

Here's a basic thought for Tip to moisturize his brain with: STOP DOING THINGS THAT WILL MAKE A COP PERK UP! And once he's done with that, can T.I. tell us more about the "I found my manhood in the trap" part IN DETAIL. Picture boards and other visual aids are welcome.

via Rap-Up

The broken condom secret love child of Speckles the star-nosed mole and the Geico Piggy is facing up to a year behind bars, because the L.A. County District Attorney's Office has charged her with possession of ecstasy. This all goes back to when T.I. and Tiny were busted in Los Angeles last month. T.I. has already earned 11 months of scrubbing his taint in a shower room full of convicts for violating his probation, and now there's a chance Tiny will be shuffling right behind him. They better leave enough pizza money on the table for their child army, because mommy and daddy might be gone for a while.

TMZ reports that prosecutors in L.A. have decided to no go after T.I. for the charges since he has already been sentenced to 11 months in Georgia. So I guess Tiny is taking the fall then.

The only thing I have to say about this is if Tiny gets thrown behind bars, she should consider dying those Jem! weave pieces a nice shade of prison orange. Bitch does not want to clash with her jumpsuit.

One of the police officers who witnessed T.I. save a man's life with his sizzurp-scented words of soothing of hope testified in court today in an effort to get a federal judge to give him another chance. You know, because if T.I. is sent back to the land of butt burglars and radiator sandwiches, we'll all fall down.

But a judge was not impressed (like this cat) and tore up T.I.'s free papers before sending him back to prison for 11 months for violating his probation by getting caught with the bad shit in Los Angeles last month. T.I. was on probation for a gun possession conviction.

T.I. put on his best crying Lohan face and gave it to the judge like this before his sentencing:

"I screwed up. I screwed up bigtime, and I'm sorry. I'm truly and sincerely sorry. I don't want and I don't need to use drugs anymore. I want them out of my life."

Didn't work.

T.I. has two weeks of freedom to get his fill of Tiny's curly tail before he has turn himself back into the prison system. This means you have two weeks to commit a crime, get arrested, plead guilty and get sent to the same prison as T.I. so you can become his cell wife. Or at least his block mistress. You're shameless.

via AJC

T.I. must report to a court room tomorrow morning to face the shit for violating his probation by getting caught with the wrong stuff and Purple Drank in Los Angeles early last month. T.I. will now glide into the court room holding a shiny gold "Captain Save-A-Ho" belt over his head. That's because T.I. talked a man off the ledge of a building in Atlanta yesterday! No, the man was not Tiny's second cousin twice removed who was paid with mobile minutes and a gas card. The man wanted to jump his way to the afterworld, but T.I. turned on his halo and put out his lifesaving hand!

TMZ says that a man threatened to jump from a building where Ryan Cameron's radio show is based. T.I. heard about it on the radio and immediately called in to Ryan Cameron to see if there was anything he could do. Ryan asked T.I. to twirl into his superhero outfit and fly on over to the station. When T.I. got there he recorded a heartfelt "DON'T DO IT" video message. After the police played the message for the man, he agreed to step down and meet T.I. in the lobby for a talk. The police are not pressing charges against the man.

I'm not saying that this was a staged stunt to show the judge that humanity will fall apart if T.I.'s thrown into a prison cell again. I'm not saying that. But I am saying that an idea has just formed in the empty liquor store we all know as White Oprah's head. Two days before Lindsay Lohan's next probation hearing, we will all read the TMZ headline: "LINDSAY LOHAN SAVES A CAT IN A TREE." Only it won't be a real cat, it will be Ali Lohan in the sexy tiger costume White Oprah used to wear during her alleged strippin' days.