Michael Lohan

Here's Lindsay Lohan at JFK last night where she was getting on a plane to L.A. for the Scary Movie 5 premiere tonight and Coachella this weekend. While LiLo chased her liver around because it dropped out of her ass after hearing that she's going to Coochella tomorrow, her beloved father Michael Lohan called TMZ because he hasn't gotten attention for a few seconds.

Michael Lohan graduated from the same fancy rehab in the Hamptons where LiLo is going for 90 days, so TMZ asked him about the place and also asked him if he thinks she's going to jump back on the bad shit as soon as she gets out. Michael basically said that LiLo will probably fail rehab the same way he failed at parenting.

Michael Lohan on if LiLo will have a hard time quitting cigarettes since the place is a smoke-free zone: She's battling with drugs, pills and cocaine, so imagine coming off of cigarettes too. Not to mention that she has to detox once she gets in there and that's really tough.

Michael Lohan on if LiLo will have a permanent seat on the wagon after rehab: I'm praying to God she will, to be honest with you. Honestly, I hope so, but I don't think so.

Michael Lohan on LiLo going to Coachella this weekend: I think it is one of the worst idea she could've ever had.

We should all hope that rehab works and LiLo becomes a responsible, sane and law-abiding citizen of humanity who doesn't fuck up every second of the day. Because if that happens, then the mutated ass dingle that is Michael Lohan won't have anything to talk to the media about anymore.

You can almost hear the words, "I will kick you the vagina," jumping out of his shout hole.

I can't find video of it, but the best moment from Lindsay Lohan's Fun Time Court Hour happened after she pleaded no contest and a judge sentenced her to 90 days in a spa. Lindsay Lohan's tiny and tanned lawyer, Mark Heller, held a press conference afterward where he spewed all kinds of ridiculousness like she doesn't have a substance abuse problem and she's going to come out of this with dignity and grace. It's like his tiny tongue was possessed by White Oprah. Mark Heller kept yammering on and then he nearly jumped out of his Underoos when Michael Lohan started screaming at him from off camera. When Michael Lohan got closer to the podium, Mark Heller ran the hell out of there. It was like watching my chihuahua jump and run for cover when a car backfires.

After Mark Heller ran back to his office in the Keebler Forest, Michael Lohan got on the mic and farted  at the mouth about how Mark Heller is just using Lindsay Lohan for attention and is going to lose his license to practice law. Michael, who's about as reliable as a crumbly piece of dried dog shit, claims that Mark Heller never kept LiLo updated during plea deal negotiations and committed an illegal act by tampering with a witness. TMZ says that the Santa Monica Attorney is investigating Mark Heller for allegedly trying to get LiLo's assistant Gavin to lie on the stand. Mark allegedly wanted Gavin to say he was the one driving the Porsche that crashed into a semi.

Michael Lohan ended the press conference he hijacked by saying that rehab is the best place for LiLo and then he pulled out a Styrofoam cup and asked the reporters to drop a few coins in there, because he can't afford to pay for parking. I love how Michael Lohan is telling Mark Heller to stop using his daughter for publicity when he's up there using his daughter for publicity. Michael Lohan is the only one who can shout his daughter's name while humping on the spotlight.

Here's some pictures of the sunburnt turtle getting ragey outside of the court house and also some pictures of LiLo redefining the phrase "rode hard and put away wet."

As the eldest Lohan, Lindsay Lohan, made her 4,954th court appearance this morning, Michael Lohan's Garbage Pail Kid-looking ass girlfriend birthed out the now youngest Lohan in a Florida hospital. It just had to be Florida. Hasn't Florida been through enough?

Last July, Kate Major and Michael Lohan announced that they stopped throwing punches at each other long enough to do bareback sex and make a baby that they'll eventually trade for a stack of mesh shirts and a bottle of apple Schnapps in a Walmart parking lot in a few years. Well, that baby is now here and I can guarantee you that as soon as he looked at Michael Lohan's charbroiled turtle dingle of a face, he immediately learned how to say the words, "I'm fucked." ("Those were my first words too!" - all the Lohan kids)

TMZ says that Landon Major Lohan was born just before noon today and he weighed in at 7lbs and 5oz. That's kind of funny, because 7lbs and 5oz. is exactly how much coke the Lohan family snorts between them on a monthly basis! Michael Lohan tells TMZ that he was in the delivery room with Kate Major and he got to snip the umbilical cord. It's a damn shame that he didn't snip his own baby making parts while he was at it.

Landon Lohan is the 6th life that Michael Lohan will screw up. Well, six as far as we know. There could be other Lohans out there that we don't know about, so if you see a freckled child with overcooked turkey bacon for skin and it's kicking a vagina or driving its razor scooter while drunk, report that child to the authorities, because you just spotted another Lohan.

And I hope the Tampa area PennySaver pays Kate a lot of money for the first pictures of Landon Lohan, because ho is going to need the cash since Michael Lohan is never going to give her one quarter from the stack of quarters he stole from LiLo's purse. I was going to say "stack of ones," but that would be way too generous.

Earlier today, Radar had a quote from Michael Lohan which proved that he's a caring, wonderful father who wants nothing but the best for his daughter. Did I type "nothing but the best for his daughter"? I meant to type "nothing but a check." My mistake. Radar quoted Michael Lohan as saying that rich men pay Lindsay Lohan hundreds of thousands of dollars to "date" them and that White Oprah is her pimp. It was my first DUH! of the day.

A different source also told Radar that LiLo is an escort who gets paid to be "arm candy" to really rich dudes. Prince Haji Abdul Azim, who is known for paying celebrities to be his friend, paid LiLo $100,000 sit at his New Year's Eve party in London. The source also said that rich artist Domingo Zapata lets LiLo stay for free at his penthouse at the Bowery Hotel in NYC and has given her the keys to his place at Chateau Marmont in L.A. The rich dudes pay for all expenses and give her expensive gifts. The source says they don't know if White Oprah also takes a price gun to Lindsay Lohan's snatch, because they don't know if her freckled biscuit is for sale too.

Yes, "arm candy to really rich dudes." I typed that. Bitch probably thinks she's a diamond-studded dark chocolate truffle wrapped in gold foil made from actual gold, but she's really a dusty bag of Circus Peanuts lying on a shelf in the back of a Rite-Aid.

But don't go looking to see how Lindsay Lohan's escort services rated on Yelp, because Michael Lohan tells TMZ that he never called her a whore and says that she's not selling low-grade cooch at high-end prices:

"By absolutely NO MEANS did I ever make such a statement ... EVER! Sure, Lindsay and [other celebs] make personal appearances and get paid for it! Sure, she and they get paid to go to birthday parties and other occasions! But for sex? Are you kidding me? I would never say that because she would NEVER do that and it NEVER happened!"

I believe that Michael Lohan never said that to Radar. I mean, Michael probably gets a cut of LiLo's escort money, so why would he call her out? Michael doesn't want the IRS knocking on his door to get a cut of his cut. Michael might have molten coke rocks for brains, but he's not stupid enough to mess with his cash flow. A good pimp never tells.

Yesterday, The New York Daily News published an EXCLUSIVO interview with White Oprah where she said that Lindsay Lohan gained her amazing ability to fuck up constantly by watching her ass wart of a father abuse her mother. It was just another feel good family story from the Lohans! As White Oprah cried into a check from the NYDN that read, "Pay To The Order Of: White Oprah Memo: EXCLUSIVO interview," she told them that she decided to come out about being abused and raped by Michael Lohan after Lindsay Lohan told her to. LiLo told White Oprah that she must tell her story after seeing a picture of her with a welt on her eye, and now Entertainment Tonight has magically gotten a hold of that picture.

ET has an entire gallery of pictures of White Oprah's vintage bruised up face throughout the years. Michael Lohan still claims that he never beat up White Oprah and he claims that she got the bruise in the picture above after he defended himself from her attacking him with an ice tray. "She attacked me with an ice tray" is the new "she ran into my fist." I'm sure it won't be long before Michael Lohan sells a picture of the ice tray White Oprah attacked with him with to The Insider.

Two quick things: a young White Oprah looks like what The Curious Case of Ali Lohan would've looked like in her 20s if her shit parents didn't replace her innocence and youth with silicone and diet pills. And before Lindsay Lohan's shit parents watered her daily with liquid meth and milk of delusion, she was an adorable baby. An adorable baby who always had a look on her face like she was searching for the nearest exit. If only she found that exit.

Here's LiLo going to read Mother Goose stories to orphans in London last night (aka going to a club to drink her lips off).

Michael Lohan has already blamed all of Lindsay Lohan's problems on the fact that White Oprah is an enabling coke vacuum of delusion, and now it's her turn to blame him for their daughter's poor decision-making skills. Inside of a Long Island hotel room and surrounded by cops and medical reports, White Oprah told the New York Daily News about Michael Lohan's history of domestic abuse. White Oprah is only speaking out about it now, because Adderall pills don't grow on tree and her back alley pharmacists need to get paid Lindsay Lohan encouraged her to after seeing an old picture of her with a black eye.

The picture from 1986 shows White Oprah with a bruised-up eye and a baby LiLo in her arms. When LiLo saw that picture, she screamed, "Tell the world! Talk about it!" So that's what White Oprah is doing. White Oprah says that black eye is just one of the many that Michael Lohan gave her during their marriage and his abuse is the reason why LiLo is a mess. White Oprah got the black eye after a coked-up, drunken Michael Lohan Chris Brown'd her in the car. White Oprah produced medical records proving that on December 4, 1986, emergency room doctors treated her for "blunt trauma" to the face. When the NYDN asked Michael Lohan about it, he had a different version of the story:

“I came in at 2 o’clock in the morning after being out with some friends. I walked in and she hit me with an ice tray. With the back of my hand I slapped her in the face. Yes, it did happen in 1986. Were there any charges? No, not at all. I had a big black and blue on my neck from her."

White Oprah says she didn't press charges, because Michael was already headed to the chokey for committing securities fraud while working as a stock broker on Wall Street. When Michael got out of jail in 1990, she says he showed up to her parents' house in a limo and begged her to take him back. She says Michael was coked all the way up at the time and kept begging her to give him another chance. When she refused, Michael immediately turned into a monster and raped her as the kids slept upstairs.

After he left and her parents came home, she went to the emergency room at Nassau County Hospital. Doctors examined her and collected evidence in a rape kit. Once again, she didn't press any charges, because she says Michael Lohan was on his way to prison again for insider trading.

Most of what comes out of White Oprah's mouth is a certified lie, but I actually believe her this time. Since Michael Lohan is a dried piece of demon shit stuck under Lucifer's CROC, he told the NYDN that he never raped White Oprah and she's the one who wanted sex from him.

“How can you rape a person when they’re on top of you?” he asked.
They were separated at the time, Michael explained, and he was dating another woman.

He said Dina claimed rape in a jealous fit after she called him later that night and heard he was with the girlfriend.

“I went over to her parents’ house and made love to her,” he said Sunday. “When I left and she called me, she found out I was with (the girlfriend) and called police. Then she called me the next day, crying. I said, ‘Let’s work this out.’ And I got back with Dina. There were no charges.”

White Oprah says that the abuse continued over the years and she got several orders of protection against Michael Lohan. She stayed for the sake of the kids and wants the world to know that Michael Lohan is to blame for LiLo being a professional fuck-up:

“She saw a lot of crazy stuff. I want the world to know the root of her problems. Lindsay saw all the beatings and all the abuse. She said, ‘Stay, mommy, don’t leave.' She said, ‘I’m so sorry for making you stay.’ But I didn’t stay for Lindsay — I wanted all my kids to be happy.

I need to make the world aware that Lindsay is messed up because her father is messed up.”

Michael called White Oprah the "devil" and said that she's just bringing this up, because she wants people to forget that she's partying and getting high with LiLo.

White Oprah is half-right, LiLo is messed up because her father is messed up, but she's also messed up because her mother is messed up too. Usually when one piece of trash fuck-up (see: Michael Lohan) makes a baby with another fuck-up (see: White Oprah), the baby grows up to either be a fuck-up or realizes they don't want to be a fuck-up and escapes their family by entering a monastery far, far away. Yes, that's Cody Lohan's cue to shave his head and start heading for the giant holy building up in the mountains.

And LiLo was supposed to be in court today for slapping that psychic in a club, but the hearing was pushed back, because prosecutors realized she has more important things to do like party in London (see: pictures below).

Everyone knows Lindsay Lohan was set up, even Lindsay Lohan knows this and she's got coke mush for brains. LiLo's mom White Oprah thinks she's solved the mystery of who is the mastermind behind the set up. You can laugh all you want, but White Oprah IS a skilled-mystery solver. Every time she plays a drunken game of Clue by herself, she wins. She also once gave a lazy hand job to a bartender who acts in Murder Mystery Dinner Theater productions on the weekends. White Oprah knows her mystery-solving stuff.

A detective usually doesn't reveal her suspicions until she's solved the crime, but Radar offered White Oprah a half-bottle of gin, so she couldn't resist. The new Detective La Toya had this to say about the fortune teller who is accusing her precious child of assault and battery:

"I am increasingly disturbed to be told Ms. Allred's new client lives in Palm Beach just minutes from my ex-husband's home. What else is there to learn about the circumstances surrounding this unfortunate incident?"

Keep raising that monocle, White Oprah! It's extremely suspicious that two people have lived in the same city as each other. They're obviously in CAHOOTS! White Oprah will say she told us so when a picture comes out of Tiffany Mitchell getting a black belt from Michael Lohan's Karate School of Pussy Punting.

Michael Lohan, of course, responded to White Oprah's subtle accusation:

"Dina's comments are delusional and just go to show the lengths she'll go to divide me from my children and pollute their minds. The public can see right through her. It's a really sad situation when a mother doesn't join hands with a father to help their daughter instead of
making up stories about him."

White Oprah can't hold hands with Michael Lohan, because one hand's got a magnifying glass in it and the other hand's holding a plastic cup full of her trusty sidekick, Dr. Charles Tanqueray.

And as Lindsay Lohan shits out potatoes from sucking down so much vodka, her parents are fighting in the media. White Oprah & Michael Lohan: teaching us how to be good parents since 1986.

Six seconds after Lindsay Lohan was arrested for being Lindsay Lohan, Michael Lohan, her beloved father and the piece of dried leech shit who played a huge part in turning her into a human tequila worm of delusion, immediately pulled his cell phone out of the totally cool holster strapped to his International Male jeans and called the only people who will take his call: the media.

Michael Lohan tells Radar that he's the one who tried to get LiLo into rehab and he told everyone she'd continue to be a professional fuck-up if she didn't get real help. You know Michael Lohan really cares, because I'm sure that the first thing he said to Radar after calling them up was, "Yoko Ono came out with some new hot mesh shirts, so you're gonna need to add a zero to my usual fee." This is the pile of extra chunky caca filling that spewed out of Michael's pie hole this morning:

"I TOLD you exactly what would happen and YOU KNOW I was trying to get Dina on board with me for a long time, BUT especially the last two weeks. Lindsay is acting out in numerous ways because she needs us and internally she's hurt and angry! Again, it's ALL on Dina and I wish to God she would stop and resolve things with us to do the same for our children."

Before calling up Radar, Michael gave parenting advice on Twatter and I'm sure all of you parents will take that advice as soon as you finish asking Halle Berry for dating advice:

“This is for ALL parents who go or went thru the same! Please don't make the mistakes! Do you see what I mean when our children don't have BOTH parents there for them and on the same page! I have tried and tried but takes two! I have been trying for years and especially over the past two weeks but my pleas have gone unheard Children need BOTH PARENTS, not alienation”

Michael should write all of that down on a piece of paper and shove it in a bottle of Grey Goose, so Lindsay Lohan will be guaranteed to read it.

You know, it's really hard to take a grown man seriously when his name is Michael Lohan, and more importantly it's really hard to take a grown man seriously when he still keeps his cell phone in a holster strapped to his jeans. A cell phone ain't an old-timey pistol and this ain't the wild wild west. I bet Michael Lohan makes a "pew pew" sound every time he pulls his phone out. I mean...

Four years ago, Kristi Horn told InTouch Weekly that human turd Michael Lohan raw dog dicked a baby into her and on tonight's episode of The Trish Goddard Show, her 17-year-old daughter Ashley Kaufmann learns the awful truth. She's half Lohan. I don't know what's worse: the fact that another poor child has to write Michael Lohan's name down next to "father" on government forms or the fact that Maury Povich wasn't the one who gave the tragic news. If Maury doesn't tell you that you ARE the father, are you really the father? Some shit to ponder.

TMZ posted the moment where Ashley finds out that her biological father is a piece of trash who looks like a shit log coming out of a turtle's ass. Right after the news is announced, Kristi Horn does what she did ten seconds after she let Michael Lohan do her bareback style: she weeped! Michael tries to give Ashley a fake hug, which makes her scream "NO! NO! NO!" before giving in.

Ashley is Michael's fifth kid and he's got a sixth one on the way.

Poor girl. She isn't going to get one cent from Michael Lohan and her mother just had to tell the world that she's a Lohan.

I think I'd rather have permanent hemorrhoids than have Michael Lohan as a father, because at least hemorrhoids won't call you up in the middle of the night and beg you for rent money.

With a TMZ cameraman and a reporter from Radar at his side, Michael Lohan tried and failed to get Lindsay Lohan into rehab on Friday. One of TMZ's sources (fun fact: "One of TMZ's sources" is Latin for Michael Lohan) says that LiLo's entire team including her manager and lawyers want her to dry up in rehab, because she's eating Adderall faster than a Kardashian's pussy eats black dick and she's drinking a bottle and a half of vodka every day ("What's wrong with that?" says you as you open a second bottle of Popov at 8:30 in the morning). I know, a bottle and A HALF? What kind of self-respecting alcoholic doesn't finish all of the second bottle? For shame.

Michael has e-mails proving that LiLo's manager, entertainment lawyer and criminal defense lawyer Shawn Holley were all in on the intervention that didn't happen. But since that intervention didn't happen, Michael is moving on to Plan B. I wish what I meant by that was that Michael Lohan plans to shove a bunch of Plan B pills up into his peen hole so he can never procreate again since he has no business being anybody's father, but that's not what I mean. Michael tells TMZ that he's going to go to the court this week and ask for them to force LiLo into a conservatorship. Even Michael Lohan knows that a dog's dried dingle would make a better conservator than him, so he's asking the judge to make somebody else her conservator. Anybody but LiLo's mom/wallet leech White Oprah. 

Michael is also making plans to get LiLo into rehab and away from all the bad influences around her. Michael also hopes that if a judge orders that LiLo needs a life controller, he hopes that life controller will talk White Oprah into going to family therapy.

Michael Lohan's brain actually farted up a good idea, but the court should take this all the way. The court should put the ENTIRE Lohan family under a conservatorship. It should be illegal for every member of the Lohan family to make decisions for themselves. Michael Lohan needs a conservator to tell him to stop getting a check by using his daughter's name and to make his own money by getting a real job as a day salesman at a mid-range car dealership since he already has the outfit for it (see picture above). White Oprah needs a conservator to force her to get a sanity cell implanted in her brain since hers was eaten away by low-grade coke a long time ago. And Ali Lohan needs a conservator to hire Liam Neeson to save her from the Korean sex ring her mom forced her into.

And here's LiLo looking like Julie Cooper's mom at a press conference for Liz & Dick.