Elisabeth Hasselcrack

And here we have the very rare dykeasaurus known as Rosie O'Donnell displaying her coochie chompin' face for your viewing pleasure. I'm sure Rosie was also making this same face in between barfing all over Elisabeth Hasselcrack's good name (sar.cas.am.) at one of her shows a couple of weeks ago.

According to Fox411, Rosie shat on Elisabeth during her set on the "Girls' Night Out Tour." A source (whose name sounds like Hellisabeth Assholecrack) said, "Rosie started out by asking the audience, 'What was that show I was on? Then, instead of saying, 'The View,' she called it 'The Screw You.' She continued by calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck, 'Elizabeth Half-a-brain.' Then she jumped to another topic."

A few beats later, Rosie was back to yapping about The View, "Rosie said when she first met Elisabeth, she thought she would love her, because they're both Christians. Then she stopped and said, 'But then she turned on me.' Then Rosie called her a 'twat.' O'Donnell then moved on to a different subject, saying she really didn't want to start a new feud, or restart an old one."

Okay, okay, Rosie should probably calm down by blowing a bong or slowly removing the double-sided dildo out of her ass, but Elisabeth is a TWAT. Rosie is just spilling the facts. That's all. It's like me saying that picture of Rosie can be used as a successful tool for teaching abstinence in schools. FACTS!

That's because Elisabeth Hasselcrack is going on maternity leave after queefing a baby out yesterday afternoon in New York. UsWeekly says that Elisabeth and her husband Tim now have a baby boy they named Isaiah Timothy. Isaiah is the third Hasselbeck child after 4-year-old Grace and 20-month-old Tyler.

Congratulations to Whoopi and Joy on their ears getting a little vacation from Elisabeth's hyena screeching. I hope that while Elisabeth is off annoying her newborn baby, The View saves some money IN THIS ECONOMY and replace her ass on the cheap with one of these choices: a bobble head doll that melted in the sun, Ann Coulter's strap-on or a janky boombox playing a warped tape of Glenn Beck's amazing "GET OFF MY PHONE" rant.

And you know that Isaiah's first order of business is to learn how to use a phone so that he can call a lawyer and get those emancipation papers going.

When Elisabeth Hasselcrack isn't violently fucking us dry in the ear with her shrill voice, she's writing books on gluten free dieting. Or should I say, she's copying and pasting from other people's books on gluten free dieting and publishing it as her own. That's what Susan Hassett claims anyway. Susan is madder than fish grease (Ariel 4 ever) and has filed a lawsuit against Hasselcrack for copyright infringement and being a copy cat. Susan also should have filed a class action lawsuit against Hasselcrack for being an annoying bitch.

Susan says that Elisabeth's book The G Free Diet-A Gluten Free Survival Guide is a direct copy of her book which was published in April of 2008. TMZ says in a letter to Elisabeth, Susan listed a million similarities including chapter titles and tips.

All I needed to read were the words "Elisabeth Hasselcrack" to decide my verdict: GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY! Unfortunately, we're the ones who will really be punished. When this shit gets settled, we will never hear the end of Hasselcrack's whining about it.

With Hasselcrack's constant yapping and Sherri revealing her new "bikini body" in a few weeks, remind me again why I watch The View again?

Not even Cornify-ing Hasselcrack can make her sunnier and prettier. I fucking tried.

You know, it's been a while since I've posted a classic Hasselcrack moment, but she gave us one The View this morning. The topic was Ashley Judd's PSA where she bitch slaps Sarah Palin for killing woofies from the sky. Hasselcrack, defender of all things Palin, asked if Ashley also defends the hundreds of thousands of babies killed in abortions each year. When Joy Behar verbally punched her in the teeth by telling her to stay on topic, Hasselcrack asked if she was at the Socialist table? And just when I was about to scream "Ladies and whores, we've got a catfight!", Whoopi went to commercial. Whoopi always has to leave me with blue balls!

I don't even know why I watch The View anymore. Soon, I'm not going to have any teeth left, because I'm constantly grinding that shit when I listen to Hasslecrack's yappy ass voice. I just want to take that bedskirt she was wearing, wrap it around her mouth, throw her in a Bed Bath & Beyond discount bin and pray that someone buys her ass to stick under their mattress forever.

Hmmm...but then who would feed me my morning dose of rage?!

Run for the fucking exit! Elisabeth Hasselcrack just announced on The View that she is carrying her third Babypublican (insert ten million Kanye points here). Elisabeth said she just found out last month and she's due sometime in August. I'm almost certain that Satan is the father of this one. Well, Satan or Ann Coulter, but that's the same thing. Seriously, let's all pack our dildos and head for Mars. Another Hasselcrack will soon land on Earth!!!!!!

Elisabeth Hasslecrack put herself together this morning after exploding last night, dressed herself in mourning black, popped a few Valiums, rehearsed her speech in the mirror, adjusted the stick in her ass and then went to work.

On "The View" this morning, Hasselcrack put on a fake face and said she would support Obama as our new president. I could almost hear the chorus of screams coming out of her ears.

Don't worry. This bitch will be back to her old whining tricks tomorrow.

After Hasslecrack spoke out of her ass and fisted everyone around the table, Sherri Shepherd gave her thoughts. Sherri usually makes my eyelashes fall out, but I felt something tingly in my dead heart when listening to her talk. I even felt something watery coming out of my eyes. I don't like that feeling, so I had to rewind to watch Hasselcrack again, so that my dead heart could return to its charcoal state.

I guess, the better question is, "Who isn't?" I think most of us have our own "STFU Hasselcrack" stationary. If you don't, you can pick some up wherever Hallmark products are sold.

Last night at some event, Whoopi Goldberg told Page Six that Elisabeth receives more death threats than any other co-host on "The View." She said, "Politically we could not be more opposite, but I respect her tremendously. Truth is, we could not have a dialogue without Elisabeth. It's not that we have to agree, the important thing is that we have the conversation."

Whoopi, please. You know 99% of those death threats comes from 4 bitches whose names rhyme with Shoopi, Roy, Herry and Darbara.

It was bitchness as usual on "The View" yesterday. They went at it about political crap, Elisabeth Hasselbeck offered Joy some "Obama Kool-Aid" (delicious!) and then Barbara Walters told everyone about the complaints they received about the McCain t-shirt Elisabeth wore on Tuesday. She designed it herself! Why so talented, Hasselbeck?!

During the conversation about the t-shirt, Joy said Elisabeth was promoting shit and that's not right. Elisabeth responded by saying that Joy promotes her politically-natured stand-up shows all the time, so it's the same thing. Well.....when the cameras went off, the bitch fight cunt-cunt-cuntinued. C-Word slip!

According to Defamer, Joy went after Elisabeth backstage for making the comment about whoring out her stand-up shows. A witness says that Joy shouted at Elisabeth, "If you do that again I will burn you down." Joy, I got a match if you got the time!

Elisabeth turned red and tried to respond, but Joy stopped her and yelled, "Shut the fuck up!" Joy exited the war zone, leaving Elisabeth by herself.

Don't these bitches know that they can't fight unless the cameras are around! That needs to be put in their contract. Better yet, they should start airing a "View" reality show. And Elisabeth should know better than to cry off camera.

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It's a new day, which means the cuckoo hens on "The View" have gone crazy again. This morning, they all started talking about how the presidential campaign has gotten so dirty and the past keeps being brought up...blah...blah...blah... It was all pretty normal until Elisabeth Hasselbeck called Rev. Wright a "hate monger." I'm not really sure what they said after that, because I immediately went to my kitchen to pop some popcorn and grab a Diet Rite. When I got back, Sherri was losing her piss on Elisabeth! Barbara finally stepped in and told them all to shut the fuck up. Instead of listening to her den memaw, Elisabeth kept on, kept on. They need to give these bitches their own channel!

The only thing that pissed me off is when they went to commercial, they came back and talked about "Dancing with the Has-Beens" instead of showing an oil wrestling match between Sherri and Elisabeth.

Just like this gigantic tranny pony will forever haunt my nightmares, Elisabeth Hasselbeck will continue to wreak havoc on "The View." She denied the rumors that she's taking her act to Fox News.

Her agent issued this statement to UsWeekly yesterday: "While Elisabeth Hasselbeck has a great relationship with Fox News, there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that she is leaving The View. Elisabeth is passionate in her beliefs and enjoys being a part of this dynamic group of women and engaging in daily conversations."

Since the devil isn't available to be a panelist on "The View," Elisabeth is a good second choice. The show will be all sorts of boring if Elisabeth wasn't there to make Joy rip out her pubic hairs in frustration.

Speaking of..... I am so fucking mad at those lazy bitches for not taping a live show today. "The View" aired a pre-taped episode today, so they didn't talk about last night's debate at all! Today was going to be the day that Whoopi and Joy team up and finally tear Elisabeth to pieces. That's if Elisabeth's head didn't pop off first.