Elisabeth Hasselcrack

Last year on his show, Bill Maher joked that we should send Elisabeth Hasselbeck to Egypt in exchange for Lara Logan, the CBS News reporter who was raped there. Cut to this morning on The View, Elisabeth picked out the bone shoved up her ass and tried to slap Bill's hands with it for offending her so. Elisabeth kept yapping and yapping like yorkie trying to jump on the bed and she finally whined Bill into sort of admitting that he shouldn't have said what he said.

If the sound of Elisabeth's voice makes you feel like tiny Satans are fucking you in the ear holes with their curling iron dicks, then read the transcript instead:

EH: I just want to go back to a time that bothered me for not my own personal reason, but just for women. So forgive this idiotic Republican for bringing this to your brilliant mind, but in February of last year, Lara Logan, as you recall, was in Egypt and she was brutally attacked by a mob there. She came back and said, "Their hands raping me over and over again, tearing my body in every direction, trying to tear off chunks of my skull. I was in no doubt in the process of dying." Prior to her coming back, Bill, you on your show said, "Now that Mubarak has released Lara Logan, he must put her intrepid hotness on a plane immediately. In exchange, we'll send Elisabeth Hasselbeck."

Audience: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

EH: Now that's fine if you want to laugh, but I make it my job and my profession.... I sit with incredible comedians and the best in the business in terms of broadcasting. You can't tell me I'm wrong when I say that, err, wasn't that funny.

BM: Well, we do a comedy show for an audience that's perhaps different than your audience and you are a public figure. It was not aimed at you personally, but when you're a public figure you're out there for fodder for comedians to make comments on you.

EH: Do you draw the line ever?

BM: I do draw the line, but I also live on the line. I do a different kind of show. I'm on HBO. That's my stock and trade. You do something different.

Joy: We walk the ledge. You know, it's not easy. You make a joke, sometimes people's feelings get hurt and then they attack us back and we have to....

BM: What you have to know is somebody has to be out on the edge to know where the edge is.

EH: Oh, thanks for being the hero. Would you say that again?

BM: If I knew I was coming here and knew I had to spend my entire segment talking about it, no, I wouldn't.

A little later on after talking about politics shit....

EH: Wow, I actually feel smarter sitting next to you.

BM: Really? I feel like I'm in high school when I'm sitting next to you.

Bill Maher puts the smug in smug, but Elisabeth is as irritating as wiping your ass with a porcupine. Instead of calmly telling Bill that his rape joke wasn't not funny, she had to mean girl him by throwing out her stupid wise cracks. I want to punch my monitor for showing me this, I want to punch my eyes for watching this and I want to punch my ears for listening to her insufferable whine of death.

But I still can't sit on Team Maher, so I'm going to temporarily sit on Team Whoopi instead. When two swollen assholes are blowing cold air at each other, just sit very still and pray they don't see you. Or maybe she's sitting still, because her brain got paralyzed by all the ridiculousness.

via Gossip Cop

Out of all the people Elisabeth Hasselcrack could viciously violate by dressing up as for Hallowpeen, she just had to after one of the most influential icons of my childhood: Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan! Where the hell is a vengeful Krystle Carrington and a fountain full of crocodiles or Moldavian terrorists when you really need them?

Whoever came up with this mess of idea wouldn't know Alexis Carrington if she sashayed up to them, tore out one of her shoulder pads with her bare nails and used it to slap them three times in the mouth. Joan Collins is so glamorous that she wears high heels and diamonds when she pees pees, and Elisabeth Hasselcrack is about as glamorous as yogurt. (Disclaimer: I don't know for a fact that Joan Collins actually urinates. This has never been documented as fact. It should still be considered an urban legend for now.)

Bitch looks more like a little boy country mouse dressed in Dollar Tree drag as Bernice from Designing Women. And the stick firmly shoved up Hasselcrack's asshole made it impossible for her to do the "stealing your men, and taking over your companies" strut. HOW DREADFUL. See for yourself in the clip below:

But I can't stay mad at The View. They did give us a deranged Barbara Walters as Rita Hayworth. Yup, Rita Hayworth. More like Jessica Rabbit's memaw who eats bunny rabbits alive!

And no comment about Sherri "The German" Shepherd as Grace Jones.

On The View today, Elisabeth Hasselcrack said that she was immediately overcome with the sads shortly after she made a joke about Dancing with the Has-Beens' Erin Andrews during yesterday's show. Elisabeth, who basically only wore a bandanna on Survivor, joked that Erin's stalker/peeping tom could have saved himself some jail time if he would've just waited a few weeks to see her half-nude on DWTS.

Elisabeth regretted making that crack and she shuffled home with a sad face on. When Elisabeth got home she went into her room to spill her heart out to her Glenn Beck doll, but he was at the cleaners so she had to confide in her 9-month-old son. He's a good listener.

Unfortunately, he kept farting while Elisabeth was trying to talk, so she went off to cry into the ear of her 5-year-old daughter Grace. Elisabeth told Grace that she was weepy because she hurt Erin's feelings. Grace rolled her eyes and told Elisabeth to shut the hell up and call Erin to apologize if she regrets it so much. Elisabeth did just that and also offered up a public apology. The clip is above and it's kind of hilarious.

Erin didn't say whether or not she accepted Elisabeth's apology, but she did say this to People: “It was a slap in the face to victims of stalking and sexual predators. As a mother and a woman, I’m disappointed she went there.”

Since Erin feels that it was a slap in the face to victims everywhere, it's only fair that the victims get to slap Hasselcrack back. Line 'em up!

And here we have the very rare dykeasaurus known as Rosie O'Donnell displaying her coochie chompin' face for your viewing pleasure. I'm sure Rosie was also making this same face in between barfing all over Elisabeth Hasselcrack's good name (sar.cas.am.) at one of her shows a couple of weeks ago.

According to Fox411, Rosie shat on Elisabeth during her set on the "Girls' Night Out Tour." A source (whose name sounds like Hellisabeth Assholecrack) said, "Rosie started out by asking the audience, 'What was that show I was on? Then, instead of saying, 'The View,' she called it 'The Screw You.' She continued by calling Elisabeth Hasselbeck, 'Elizabeth Half-a-brain.' Then she jumped to another topic."

A few beats later, Rosie was back to yapping about The View, "Rosie said when she first met Elisabeth, she thought she would love her, because they're both Christians. Then she stopped and said, 'But then she turned on me.' Then Rosie called her a 'twat.' O'Donnell then moved on to a different subject, saying she really didn't want to start a new feud, or restart an old one."

Okay, okay, Rosie should probably calm down by blowing a bong or slowly removing the double-sided dildo out of her ass, but Elisabeth is a TWAT. Rosie is just spilling the facts. That's all. It's like me saying that picture of Rosie can be used as a successful tool for teaching abstinence in schools. FACTS!

That's because Elisabeth Hasselcrack is going on maternity leave after queefing a baby out yesterday afternoon in New York. UsWeekly says that Elisabeth and her husband Tim now have a baby boy they named Isaiah Timothy. Isaiah is the third Hasselbeck child after 4-year-old Grace and 20-month-old Tyler.

Congratulations to Whoopi and Joy on their ears getting a little vacation from Elisabeth's hyena screeching. I hope that while Elisabeth is off annoying her newborn baby, The View saves some money IN THIS ECONOMY and replace her ass on the cheap with one of these choices: a bobble head doll that melted in the sun, Ann Coulter's strap-on or a janky boombox playing a warped tape of Glenn Beck's amazing "GET OFF MY PHONE" rant.

And you know that Isaiah's first order of business is to learn how to use a phone so that he can call a lawyer and get those emancipation papers going.

When Elisabeth Hasselcrack isn't violently fucking us dry in the ear with her shrill voice, she's writing books on gluten free dieting. Or should I say, she's copying and pasting from other people's books on gluten free dieting and publishing it as her own. That's what Susan Hassett claims anyway. Susan is madder than fish grease (Ariel 4 ever) and has filed a lawsuit against Hasselcrack for copyright infringement and being a copy cat. Susan also should have filed a class action lawsuit against Hasselcrack for being an annoying bitch.

Susan says that Elisabeth's book The G Free Diet-A Gluten Free Survival Guide is a direct copy of her book which was published in April of 2008. TMZ says in a letter to Elisabeth, Susan listed a million similarities including chapter titles and tips.

All I needed to read were the words "Elisabeth Hasselcrack" to decide my verdict: GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY! Unfortunately, we're the ones who will really be punished. When this shit gets settled, we will never hear the end of Hasselcrack's whining about it.

With Hasselcrack's constant yapping and Sherri revealing her new "bikini body" in a few weeks, remind me again why I watch The View again?

Not even Cornify-ing Hasselcrack can make her sunnier and prettier. I fucking tried.

You know, it's been a while since I've posted a classic Hasselcrack moment, but she gave us one The View this morning. The topic was Ashley Judd's PSA where she bitch slaps Sarah Palin for killing woofies from the sky. Hasselcrack, defender of all things Palin, asked if Ashley also defends the hundreds of thousands of babies killed in abortions each year. When Joy Behar verbally punched her in the teeth by telling her to stay on topic, Hasselcrack asked if she was at the Socialist table? And just when I was about to scream "Ladies and whores, we've got a catfight!", Whoopi went to commercial. Whoopi always has to leave me with blue balls!

I don't even know why I watch The View anymore. Soon, I'm not going to have any teeth left, because I'm constantly grinding that shit when I listen to Hasslecrack's yappy ass voice. I just want to take that bedskirt she was wearing, wrap it around her mouth, throw her in a Bed Bath & Beyond discount bin and pray that someone buys her ass to stick under their mattress forever.

Hmmm...but then who would feed me my morning dose of rage?!

Run for the fucking exit! Elisabeth Hasselcrack just announced on The View that she is carrying her third Babypublican (insert ten million Kanye points here). Elisabeth said she just found out last month and she's due sometime in August. I'm almost certain that Satan is the father of this one. Well, Satan or Ann Coulter, but that's the same thing. Seriously, let's all pack our dildos and head for Mars. Another Hasselcrack will soon land on Earth!!!!!!

Elisabeth Hasslecrack put herself together this morning after exploding last night, dressed herself in mourning black, popped a few Valiums, rehearsed her speech in the mirror, adjusted the stick in her ass and then went to work.

On "The View" this morning, Hasselcrack put on a fake face and said she would support Obama as our new president. I could almost hear the chorus of screams coming out of her ears.

Don't worry. This bitch will be back to her old whining tricks tomorrow.

After Hasslecrack spoke out of her ass and fisted everyone around the table, Sherri Shepherd gave her thoughts. Sherri usually makes my eyelashes fall out, but I felt something tingly in my dead heart when listening to her talk. I even felt something watery coming out of my eyes. I don't like that feeling, so I had to rewind to watch Hasselcrack again, so that my dead heart could return to its charcoal state.

I guess, the better question is, "Who isn't?" I think most of us have our own "STFU Hasselcrack" stationary. If you don't, you can pick some up wherever Hallmark products are sold.

Last night at some event, Whoopi Goldberg told Page Six that Elisabeth receives more death threats than any other co-host on "The View." She said, "Politically we could not be more opposite, but I respect her tremendously. Truth is, we could not have a dialogue without Elisabeth. It's not that we have to agree, the important thing is that we have the conversation."

Whoopi, please. You know 99% of those death threats comes from 4 bitches whose names rhyme with Shoopi, Roy, Herry and Darbara.