Here's a picture that Demi Lovato tweeted after meeting Goopy Paltrow at a lounge in LAX last night and I'm sure that sometime during their conversation, Goopy said to her, "I am so jealous of your homely, mousy, undetectable poop-colored hair. You get to have so much more fun than me!" Because Goopy Paltrow told the UK's Stylist Magazine (via Yahoo via Celebitchy) that the saying "blondes have more fun" must've come from a book of lies and fairytales. Goop says that brown-headed girls have way more fun, because nobody cares about them and everybody is too busy staring at stunning angels with golden hair.
"I don't understand the whole idea of blondes having more fun. I'd say brunettes have more fun as they can go under the radar a little bit more. People are just waiting for blondes to get drunk and fall down, because we're so visible."
I love how she tried to humble down that quote by saying "get drunk and fall down." You know she really wanted to say "People are just waiting for blondes to sprout wings and explode into rays of sunshine since we're angelic goddess of light and are way better and prettier than caca-haired homelies." I think that's what she really meant to say. I always love a classic backhanded comment from Goopy. It reminds me of when I was in this chick's clothing store in Manhattan with my sister and one skinny ho said to her rubenesque friend, "You're so lucky you can wear plus-sizes. My size always sells out first!" That bitch was totally a disciple of GOOP!
Here's Goopy and Demi walking through JFK yesterday. UsWeekly says that they're wearing matching outfits, but please. Goopy's custom-made jacket cost 9,000 euros (you know, because she bought it in Europe) and her denim trousers (only the poors call them "jeans") were made using cotton from an exclusive cotton farm in Tibet. Demi is basically wearing the budget version of Goop's look. Get it right, UsWeekly!
Correction: It's not totally what I expected. That headline is a liar. I expected to see a gigantic tub (made of Cheetos powder and bacon glue) full of Fresca and buttered popcorn-flavored Jelly Bellies in there. Maybe she's saving that for the live shows.
Seen here looking like a scared kindergarten on picture day who was told to keep her hands to herself, Brit Brit started her first day as judge on The X-Factor in Austin, TX today. Before the Louisiana trailer park blossom judges bitches who have more natural singing talent than she does, she has to fill her belly bag with fried chicken, Doritos and Diet Coke stew. Something called Look Magazine (via Entertainmentwise) says these are Brit Brit's dressing room demands:
34 Herve Leger bandage dresses
12 Snickers bars
6 cases of Diet Coke
10 bags of Doritos
12 vases of magnolias
10 pieces of fried chicken
4 pints of tater salad
1 manicurist, 1 facialist and 1 massage therapist
The manicurist is there to scrub the Doritos smemga out of her nail gutters. The facialist is there pick the pieces of fried chicken dingles off of her cheeks. And the massage therapist is there to knead out the doody knot that's in her ass from eating all that shit. But seriously, that list is actually pretty tame for Brit Brit. You'd think she'd force them to move a Circle K into her trailer. It's a sad day when Brit Brit is eating fried chicken and a Snickers for lunch instead of sucking off a gas station nacho cheese dispenser like she did in the old days. There's not even Velveeta grits on that list!
Brit Brit as an X-Factor judge sort of makes sense, because think of all the ad dollars from Starbucks, Frito-Lay and Taco Bell she'll bring in, and if she goes off the script that her puppet handlers will feed into her ear during the live shows, she could be entertaining. Like watching a trailer full of blond weave tracks slowly tumble down an embankment. But Demi Lovato?! Chaka Khan practically threw herself at Simon Cowell for the job and he gives it to a trick who is probably known by most of the world as, "?????????" Hell, Chaka could've pulled off her hair, dropped it into the judge's chair and it still would make a better judge than Demi Lovato. Seeing these four trollops judge a singing competition together is either going to be as awkwardly stiff as visiting your boyfriend in the mental hospital the morning after he had a nervous breakdown in a gay bar (true story) or it's going to be a glorious disaster.
Simon Cowell confirmed all the rumors at the FOX Upfronts in NYC today by officially announcing Brit Brit and Demi as Paul Abdul and Nicole Scherwhatever's replacements. Brit Brit's conservators will make $15 million from this and maybe give her a $20 a week as allowance. Demi will probably be paid in a validated parking pass and a $5 lunch voucher for the cafeteria.
In all seriousness, we shouldn't be surprised by Simon's choices, because what do you expect from a grown man who combs his hair so it looks like he's got a hairy butt on his head. I really hope John Travolta tries to fuck Simon's hair.
Here's a few pictures from Upfronts today and it's nice to see that Brit Brit still has a special way with making a $5,000 designer dress look like some shit from Rainbow.
Demi Lovato tells NYC's Z100 radio (via HuffPo) that she can't talk about the most rock 'n roll things she's ever done (see: eating mounds of coke with her nostrils, fucking dudes in the middle of parties, basically being the most annoying after school special come to life, etc...), but she can talk about her love for throwing shit and ruining dressing rooms. If you're a janitor who has recently scrubbed out smashed pieces of cold bologna from the carpet in a dressing room, feel free to throw up a middle finger at Demi for saying this:
"I break things. I've trashed dressing rooms just for the hell of it.
I like to throw things when I'm bored. I was trying to catch the deli meat on the ceiling ... it ended up turning into kind of a food fight!"
If Jesus be a 1980s movie starring Ally Sheedy, Demi Lovato will wake up in a maid's uniform and she'll be the one cleaning mustard stains from the walls after some spoiled, piece of janky trash has a food fight for fun. Dumb ho. Everybody clear the way when Demi is coming through, because she's a real rock 'n roll bad ass who's always packing heat in an Oscar Meyer package. I bet her chola name is La Jamón Girl.
Before we get into this, can I just say that relatives don't let relatives do the ayúdame lunge at a fucking Disney star. That little boy needs to adjust his side-eye a little to the right to focus on that woman with the Coach purse who is trying to reach out to Demi Lovato like she's a demigod who can heal all ailments or some shit. Okay, now that we've gotten that PSA out of the way...
Blind Gossip, the site that wrote the blind item about how some girl star is back to her snorting ways, has confirmed that their own blind item is about Demi Lovato. They heard from a friend of Demi's that she is going for another round of rehab and has checked into Passages in Malibu to get help for her addictions to booze and coke. Blind Gossip says that Demi's friends passed their blind item to her management team and it was the push in the asshole everyone needed to get her into treatment again. The moral of the story is: BLIND ITEMS SAVE LIVES! Blind items are the Candy Finnigan of the gossip world. But wait...
Demi's rep, one of the people who supposedly helped to get her into rehab, tells Gossip Cop that Blind Gossip's story is "a crock of shit."
Now, there's evidence FOR and AGAINST the rumor that Demi is clearing her blood veins of the bad shit next to the other Demi in rehab.
FOR: Demi recently put her Twitter page on pause and a thirsty ho like her would only do that if she was forced to hand over her communication device while checking into rehab.
AGAINST: Demi recently jumped off of Wilmer Valderrama's dick for a final time, which means that the inside of her head has finally reached a moment of clarity and she finally realized that Fez is a hit it, quit it, cleanse your coochie of it kind of douche.
But the evidence that is truly making me believe that this "DemiLo in rehab" rumor is false is the professional statement from DemiLo's rep. Only a professional, honorable and ethical individual would use the words "crock of shit" when discussing their client's personal life to the media. Or maybe Gossip Cop just happened to call Demi's rep as he discovered that his dog did god's work by taking a shit on his favorite pair of CROCs. That's probably what happened.
Wilmer Valderrama's got his eye on you, Chris Hansen.
The exit door to Mickey Mouse's rehab center for the teen stars he helped to screw up now has a regular fixture named Wilmer Valderrama in front of it. Wilmer is available for any damaged barely legal teen star who needs a 31-year-old nutsack to cry on ("...and while you're there" - Wilmer). Because E! News says that after humping on each other for about a year, 19-year-old Demi Lovato has taken her final ride on Wilmer's self-proclaimed XXL chalupa dick. Demi might've confirmed this highly important breaking news on Twitter when she turned into the Emo of Anistons by re-Tweeting a Marilyn Monroe quote before Tweeting a few words of encouragement for herself:
"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." Marilyn Monroe
The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.
In other words, bitch got too old for Fez.
(Image via Pacific Coast News)
Once you've been in the rehab, you figure you've been through enough shit that you can kick your boss in the nuts. Oh No They Didn't is featuring some Tweets (wait, it's DListed - I'm supposed to call them "Twats" right?) that Demi stuffed up Walt Disneys corpse's ass over their treatment of anorexia.
Demi Lovato was home (not doing cocaine, fucking for an audience on bunkbeds, or snapping and attacking her ex's new chick) and happened to be watching something called Shake It Up on her home network. A character made an ano joke and Demi took her 13th step - putting the company that made her on blast:
Dear Disney Channel EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT SOMETHING TO JOKE ABOUT
She Twatted a few more times, mentioning that Disney lost an actress to an eating disorder and noting that she misses the days of fat asses like Raven Symone and Hilary Duff breaking your child's TV with their girth. Hey, she called them fat - I didn't. See what she did there? Sly bitches like Demi can stick up for anorexia sufferers WHILE throwing shade at the competition.
We now know who's running things over in Orlando, cuz' Disney immediately crawled over to Demi's Twitter feed, removed their dick, and announced they had pulled the episode in question:
@ddlovato, Demi we hear you & are pulling both episodes as quickly as possible & reevaluating them [ed. note - "reevaluating" = "killing the writers and actress responsible and burning the set down"]
@ddlovato - It's NEVER our intention to make fun of eating disorders!
Not like that Spike network with their Hot Snatch In Bikinis Puking Up Dinner show. So now we know who runs Disney. Can Demi do something about the couples who get married and then walk around the park in those fucking mouse ears bridal veils and top hats? We get it, you got married with Mickey. Two assholes blocked my view of the Hall of Presidents show last time with those sad things. Yes, I've seen the show before, but I like when one of the robots malfunctions and starts seizing like his vibrating butt plug just went into turbo.
Check out the actual Tweets and more pics of Demi on stage in Puerto Rico in the gallery.
Just like Brit Brit before her, Demi Lovato accidentally pulled a polyester tail out of her head (at the 0:47 mark) while torturing the masochistic ears of her fans during a performance in Kansas City, MO the other night. Demi fucks on Wilmer Valderrama, so she obviously doesn't give three shits about much, which is why she proudly waved her weave piece around and went on with the show. From the video, it looks like that shit got snagged on Demi's jacket, but that's not what really happened. That weave piece was trying to exit stage left. I mean, it probably thought it was having another coke-induced hallucination with all those disco ball heads dancing around. Not to mention that Demi's dressed like Wynonna Judd as a Las Vegas funeral director. There's only so much a weave piece can take!
Months of rehab, whooping a trick in an airport, snorting the bad shit off of Mickey Mouse's inner thigh and allegedly sexing on a piece in front of everyone at a party was not enough to fully scrape away the Disney from Demi Lovato's image, so she decided to scratch off another layer by baring her butt chin cleavage and 19-year-old chest balls at the Latin Grammys in Las Vegas last night. I've always said that nothing says "GROWN" like titty tape and chichi contouring, but couldn't Demi have chosen a better dress for her titties' coming out party?
Dwight from RHOA could let out a hundred How Dreadfuls over this and he'd still need to let out a hundred more before he begins to accurately describe this mess. Somewhere, a 50-year-old novella villainess is missing a boudoir gown to change into right before she seduces her arch rival's husband. There's a reason why the Blanche Devereaux intimates section at Bealls has a "50+ only" sign at its entrance. It takes a certain seasoned slutty abuelita to pull off a dress like this. Stick to the juniors section, Demi.
And I'm guessing every brush in her hotel room went on strike last night, so I won't throw her cold shade for those pre-brushed, straight-out-of-the-rollers quince curls.
Of course, Wilmer Valderrama, the Jack Gordon to Demi's La Toya, was there last night. Just looking at pictures of Wilmer makes me sniff at my coffee cup to make sure I haven't been roofied without permission. Wilmer's gross ass probably made Demi wear that dress since he looks like the type who's into the "slutty senior at a 70s swingers party" look.
Last week, The Dirty posted a short clip of a possibly pre-rehab Demi Lovato showing us why she was named Disney University's champion coke snorter. The clip was quickly yanked down the fun killers at YouTube and nothing has been heard of it since. Today, Radar delivered a blind-ish item that may or may not be about this supposed Demi Lovato coke snorting video. Their source says that it makes Miley Cyrus' cinematic skip into the bong hole seem like it was sponsored by ABC Family (which it probably was). From Radar:
In the clip, a young brunette wearing a pink tank top and a black and white cardigan is seen sitting at a table lined with mounds of cocaine and rolled up $100 bills used for snorting.
"There is more than one famous person in the footage," the source told RadarOnline.com.
Also appearing in the footage with her is a blonde girl and two young men, who at one point joke about using a one dollar bill rather than a hundred to snort a line. "Look how fucking high I am...I'm going to snort out of a fucking one!" one of the anonymous guys said.
"Please don't do it," the other guy said back, laughing." You know how many n***ers have put their hands on that shit?!"
In the video, the table is littered with martini and shot glasses, among the countless lines of cocaine -- which the party-goers both snort and swipe their fingers through.
Take that scene, now drop in Ashley Tisdale, Vanessa Hudgens, Demi Lovato, Zac Efron in a brunette wig, Noah Cyrus, Joe Jonas or anybody else who's ever been blessed by the hand of Mickey and it would make sense. When you sign your name with virgin blood on a Disney contract, they hand you an orientation package that includes a Disney dollar coke straw, a "How to pose nekkid for your cell phone camera" tutorial taught by Daisy Duck and a morning after pill shaped like mouse ears. So it could be any one of them!
But Selena Gomez is not included that list, because she's got Justin Bieber sitting on her lap and Child Protective Services would snatch him away if they find out she's under the influence while babysitting him. Justin's diaper is filled with dollar signs, so Pedolena isn't going to chance it.