Demi Lovato

Demi Lovato has handed the baton over to Charlie Sheen, because as he went in she went out. Demi checked into rehab last November for cuttingsnortingdrinkingbodyhatingpushingetc and People says that she's back home in L.A. today. Ashley Greene better watch her bitch Joe Jonas, because now that Demi has spent time on the inside (rehab is practically like prison to Disney toddlers) she's ready to kick the shine off a trick and steal her piece back! Sidebar: Why the fuck do I know so much about these children's person lives! But I digress.

The source tells People that Juanita Solis' sister will still see doctors to wade through all of her issues, "For now, she is getting back to her regular routine and spending time with her family and close friends. She is so grateful to all of her fans for their support, and looks forward to being able to talk to all of them very soon. Demi will continue to focus first and foremost on her well-being."

Demi dropped into rehab after she whooped a trick dancer and there were rumors that she screamed at Ashley Greene and possibly drunk fucked a strange dude on top of a bunk bed in the middle of a party. It had all the makings of an after-school SCANDAL, and yet nothing came of it. Demi quietly went off to get help and kept her lips closed to the media. No stories about Demi climbing the wall of her rehab center to steal a hobo's 40. No stories about Demi choking out one of the technicians with a lamp cord. None of that! We should really look into getting a refund for this non-scandal. Lindsay Lohan totally spoiled us.

If you thought Lindsay Lohan was the only bitch who wrote "professional cocaine snorter" as her profession on her tax forms and wrote off her bags of the bad shit, trips to her dealer, the rolled up dollar bills she uses to snort and the Neosporin she spreads on her chapped nostrils, YOU WERE WRONG! So does Demi Lovato. Allegedly.

Brian Payne, a college student from Texas, tells Life & Style (via NYDN) that at a party in Richmond Hills, TX. last December, he watched Demi snort coke "like a pro" in between getting heavy on a dude named Dave. Blind item solved?

Demi must have gotten an A++++ in Mickey Mouse's "How to Snort Coke Like a Pro" class, because Brian says that she really knew her way around a coke straw. Brian went on to say,"I just remember her doing it [cocaine] as if she had been doing it for a long time. It didn't seem like something new to her."

A different source adds that right before Demi checked into rehab, she was partying like a true Disney ho, "Demi's been on a tear lately. She'll chug booze straight from the bottle."

Chugging booze straight from the bottle! Well, now you have a name for the ritual you do every night before you pass out on your living room floor. "Mom, I can't talk right now, because I'm to go on a tear."

When 30-year-old Wilmer Valderrama isn't refreshing Affliction's website for new pieces of joo-ree made out of silver-plated douche bottles, he's leaning against his Camaro right outside of Disney's barely legal playground. Wilmer bragged to Howard Stern that his "8-inch" peen plucked Mandy Moore's cherry out with its lips and he humped on Lindsay Lohan when she turned 18, and now Page Six is saying that he's added Demi LoVATOOOO to his list. So the new equation for all of you aspiring Hollywood messes out there is: sell your soul to Mickey Mouse + get yourself an ass bag of a dad who won't shut his mouth hole + get with Fez. Mickey is Fez's wingman.

A source tells Page Six that Wilmer and 18-year-old Demi first met while shooting a public service spot for the victims of the earthquake in Chile in May. Right after Joe Jonas traded Demi in for an older and bushier beard, she rolled right into Wilmer's waterbed (you know his ass has a waterbed). Another source says that Demi considers Wilmer a big part of her life and introduced him to her friends as her boyfriend. Apparently, they are still together while she tries to rid herself of the fuckery in a treatment center.

Demi's spokeswhore kept their lips shut about this and Wilmer's spokeswhore denied all of it.

Whether or not this is true, we'll find out the next time Wilmer goes on Howard Stern since he's all about spilling everything about his past pieces including rating them on a scale form 1 to 10 and comparing their snatches to baked goods ("Mandy Moore was not like warm apple pie" - Wilmer). And don't be surprised if when Miley Cyrus goes to Disney's counseling trailer to talk about her parents divorce, she finds Wilmer sitting in the therapist's chair. Wilmer will smoothly pull down his eyeglasses and say, "Tell me everything..." I swear, Mickey and Fez are totally in CAHOOTS!

As your ass already knows, one of Mickey Mouse's prized pieces 18-year-old Demi Lovatooooooo is in a treatment center to deal with "emotional and physical issues." This we know. Some others things we know is that there's a dozen blind items that suggest the inside of Demi's nose looks like the Snow Miser's lair and that she might be a cutter and that she was bullied in a bad way in school. Well, a source tells E! News that the latter two are among the issues she's trying to work out in treatment.

Demi has openly talked about how she left junior high school to be home schooled, because a group of bullies kept shitting all over her life. The source says this is what led to Demi cutting herself. And if this isn't after school special enough for you, the source also added that Demi suffers from bulimia.

Demi was sort of able to hold everything together with an extra-thin rubber band, but apparently that shit ripped apart at an airport in Peru this past Saturday. Demi was in the middle of the South American leg of her tour with the Jonas Bros. when she delivered a meltdown worthy of a very special episode of Full House. Demi got into it with a back-up dancer and then she went after Joe Jonas' newest beard Ashley Greene. A source explains, "She just lost it right at the airport in front of everyone. The [Jonases'] dad basically said right there, 'That's it. You're going home.' "

That Ashley Greene is totally that popular cunt from hell in junior high school who came up to me and asked what I was wearing to the winter dance since she didn't want to show up in the same dress as me. Fucking bitch. The sad part is, I actually laughed and wanted to give her a slow cap for getting me good. But seriously, I knew Ashley was the prickly cunt who broke the Disney ho's back!

Demi just needs to look into the mirror and tell herself that while she has a pair of thick eyebrows that could moisten a dehydrated Sharpie, her haters got a thirsty brow area that looks like a Chia pet that has been left in the sun too long. And at the end of the day, brows all that matters. This lady gets it.

And just like that, a dozen "Which teen pop star is a cokehead who did a dude on a bunk bed at a party?" blind items might've have found their answer. TMZ reports that 18-year-old Demi LOraleVATOOOOO (that' that girl who once dated a Jonas Brother and Mr. Ed's second cousin twice removed at the hay barrel, has quit her world tour and checked into rehab for "emotional and physical" issues. That's basically just a publicist's way of dressing up "cokey problem" in a crisp white button-down shirt and shiny pearls. Here's the statement from Demi's spokeswhore:

"Demi Lovato left her tour early this weekend in order to seek medical treatment for emotional and physical issues she has dealt with for some time. Demi has decided to take personal responsibility for her actions and seek help. She is doing just that. [Demi] regrets not being able to finish her tour, but is looking forward to getting back to work in the near future."

A source tells TMZ that a "You need help, bitch" light bulb went off over the Disney chola's head after she got into some sort of fight (aka cut that bitch for the last 8-ball) with a female member of her tour.

I didn't expect Demi to stumble in Lindsay Lohan and Brit Brit's footsteps for at least a couple more years. DAMN. I swear, I'm surprised Disney hasn't opened up "Mickey Mouse's Rehab House for Wayward Hos" so they can make even more fast cash off of the tricks they pushed out on the stroll.