Uncomfortable

Sofia Vergara was on The View today and they got to talking about how young she looks for having an 18-year-old son. Sofia joked that she had him when she was 13 after she was raped (in real-life Sofia's son is 17 and she had him when she was 20).

Now, usually when the word "rape" comes up on daytime TV, the lights go down, the studio audience is shuttled out the exit door and Diane Sawyer comes out to ask some "serious" questions. But most The View hens and the audience just laughed away. Well, all of them except for Whoopi Goldberg, who was probably thinking to herself, "But was it RAPE-RAPE?"

via Jezebel

In case you haven't heard from the crazed screaming tweens (and pedos) running down your block with tears in their eyes and blood on their wrists, Miley Cyrus left Twitter. Yes, this is a devastating blow to the spirit of this country, but we must move on as a people! However, Billy Ray Cyrus didn't take it so well. Right after his daughter signed off for good, he jumped on his Twatter and begged her to come back. This shit will give you the achy-breaky barfs.

Maybe the Twitter executives promised Billy Ray a lifetime supply of peroxide and highlight caps if he brought Miley back. Or maybe Billy Ray just doesn't know how he's going to spend his nights now that Miley is no longer Tweeting webcam pictures of herself and her friends. Yeah, that's the ticket.

But Billy Ray now understands why Miley made the OMGWTF important decision to dump her Twatter thanks to this rap video she made. I'm too old for this video. Actually, we're all too old for this shit. WARNING: This might make you want to bust into a "Goodbye Internet" rap.

Didn't Miley learn anything from the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie? Chipmunks should never ever rap.

The Australian show Hey Hey It's Saturday (even though it's Wednesday) welcomed Harry Connick Jr. on their live reunion show where he performed and guest judged the talent competition called Red Faces. Well, Red Faces was full of painted on black faces when a group called the "Jackson Jive" came out . And my face turned absolutely dead white. THE FUCK IS THIS?!

They had been on the show 20 years ago, and apparently were really popular, so they came back for more fuckery. The audience seemed to enjoy their asses and even brought the boos when the group was gonged. However, Harry wasn't amused. Not only did he give him them a giant ZERO, but when he got backstage, he threatened to quit that bitch. The producers and the host told Harry that they would let him say a few words about his feeling towards that shit.

Harry said, "I just wanted to say on behalf of my country, I know it was done humorously, but we’ve spent so much time trying to not make black people look like buffoons, that when we see something like that, we take it really to heart. I know it was in good fun, and the last thing I want to do is take this show to a down level—because you know how much I love this show and this country—but I feel like I’m at home here, and if I knew that was going to be part of the show, I probably—I definitely wouldn’t have done it.”

The dudes who took part in the skit still don't think it was that offensive. They said they did it as a tribute to Michael Jackson (insert THIS FACE here). One of the dudes said, "I suspect things are probably a bit different in America in terms of what that (black face) mean. I understand the history of the black face but certainly it was not construed in that way at all. All six of us discussed this at length whether or not we should put this on because we realised it may be controversial. We did go to the trouble of checking with the production staff and they seemed to ok it. Two of us come from India and one of us comes from Lebanon so we can't afford to be racist to be honest. If we did offend him (Connick) we truly didn't meant to."

I think the "Jackson Jive" needs to spend their Thursday night watching that episode of Gimme A Break! where Joey Lawrence performs in blackface at Nell's church and learns a life lesson from it. They can do that while I go and vacuum the fish tank.

VIA Scandalist

Do you see what Brit Brit's influence has on the children of the world!? A 9-year-old girl from Peru pretty much copied Brit's "Toxic" video shot-by-shot, outfit-by-outfit and move-by-move (insert THIS FACE here).

The thing is, she didn't do it with just a camcorder in her parents' garage. This had a bigger budget than Brit's "Gimme More" video. This shit is expensive! My guess is that homegirl's parents paid the bills for this mess. Or maybe Roman Polanski is making music videos now? Really, I can't.

And when you get to the part with the boy on a motorcycle, just shut down your computer, pull the power cord out of the wall and go weep in the dark. Actually, you'll probably start weeping right at the beginning.

Well, at least she lip-synchs better than Brit. Okay, back to weeping.

(Thanks Zaire)

Both Michelle Phillips and Geneviève Waïte have publicly kicked Mackenzie Phillips down by calling her a lie-lie-liar for saying she had a 10-year long sexual "relationship" with her father. Now Bijou Phillips is taking the stage to give her own monologue. Bijou said this:

"When I was 13, Mackenzie told me that she had a consensual sexual relationship with our father. This news was confusing and scary, as I lived alone with my father since I was 3. I didn't know what to believe, and it didn't help that shortly there after Mackenzie told me it didn't happen. Mackenzie’s history with our father is hers, but also clouded with 30 years of drug abuse. I hope she can come to terms with this and find peace. The life I had with my father was very different. He was Mr. Mom, encouraging and loving. The man that raised me would never be capable of doing such things, and if he was, it is heartbreaking to me to think that my family would leave me alone with him. I understand Mackenzie's need to come clean with a history she feels will help others, but it's devastating to have the world watch as we try and mend broken fences, especially when the man in question isn’t here to defend himself."

Who knew that the girl who once fucked a snake (I made that up) would be the one to issue the semi-smartest statement (after Chynna, of course)? Maybe barley water actually does work? No, she must just be having a moment.

Mackenzie Phillips' full interview with Oprah aired today and shit was intense.

Mackenzie not only said that she had a sexual relationship with her father, John Phillips, after he raped her, but she also said that she became pregnant at the end of their 10-year "affair." Mackenzie wasn't sure if the baby was her father's or her then-husband's, so she had an abortion. After that, she stopped having sex with her father and never let him touch her again.

Yeah, we're going to need scientists to invent some kind of pill just to erase these images from our brains. IT BURNS. My eyelashes are singed.

I'm mad at Oprah for not ending Mackenzie's interview by showing us precious shots of baby bunnies and fluffy puppies wearing kitten costumes. That would've been the time.

Shortly after the interview aired, Michelle Phillips spoke to Showbiz411's Roger Friedman and said Mackenzie is telling lies to sell copies of her book. Hurry, brings out those bunnies in kitten costumes out. It's getting worse.

Michelle pulled out the cunt knife and stuck it in: “She told me, then she called me back and said, ‘You know I’m joking.' I said it wasn’t funny. Mackenzie said, ‘I guess we have different senses of humor.’ John was a bad parent, and a drug addict. But fucking his daughter? If she thinks it’s true, why isn’t she with a good psychiatrist on a couch? I think it’s unconscionable that Oprah would let her do her show. I have every reason to believe it’s untrue. Oprah should be more judicious about who she has on her show."

And stuck it in again: "Mackenzie has a lot of mental illness. She’s had a needle stuck up her arm for 35 years. She was arrested for heroin and coke just recently. She did ‘Celebrity Rehab’ and now she writes a book. The whole thing is timed.”

And AGAIN: “Mackenzie is jealous of her siblings, who have accomplished a lot and did not become drug addicts.”

Um. I guess Michelle hasn't met someone who goes by the name of Bijou Phillips?

Michelle's daughter and Mackenzie's half-sister, Chynna Phillips, told UsWeekly that she found out about it in 1997. Mackenzie called her and dropped that shit right on her head. Chynna said, "I knew it was true. I mean, who in their right mind would make such a claim if it wasn't true?"

I'm going to side with Chynna on this one, because she was in Wilson Phillips and I once won 4th place in a talent show for dancing around to "You Won't See Me Cry" (true story, unfortunately). I owe her one.

Oh, and take your medicine:

On Oprah tomorrow, Mackenzie Phillips is supposed to drop an OMGWTFIDIEWHYWHY family secret. Well, the secret is out and it is definitely all sorts of fucked up. You might want to clear your throat and wash your eyes out with holy water before, after and during.

In her new tell-all book High on Arrival, Mackenzie says that she had sex with her father, John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas. California Nightmarin'!!!!!!!!!!!

49-year-old Mackenzie said that she would do the bad shit with her father all the time. In fact, John, who died in 2001, shot Mackenzie up with heroin for the first time. And on the night before her wedding to Jeff Sessler in 1979, her dad tried to stop her from marrying his ass. Mackenzie writes, "I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on Dad's bed. My father was not a man with boundaries. He was full of love, and he was sick with drugs. I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father. Had this happened before? I didn't know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it. For a moment I was in my body, in that horrible truth, and then I slid back into a blackout."

The following year continued to be a fucked up time for Mackenzie. She was fired from One Day at a Time for being addicted to the bad shit and she went to rehab with her father. Mackenzie says their sexual relationship became "consensual." She went on to write, "I was a fragment of a person, and my secret isolated me. One night Dad said, 'We could just run away to a country where no one would look down on us. There are countries where this is an accepted practice. Maybe Fiji.' He was completely delusional. No, I thought, we're going to hell for this."

If this isn't an anti-drug ad, I don't know what is. But Mackenzie said that we shouldn't "hate" her father for this. Too late. According to Mackenzie, the dude introduced her to heroin and forced/manipulated her into a sexual relationship with him. So not only is this an anti-drug ad, but it's an anti-John Phillips ad too.

What would Schneider say?!?!

VIA People

If you have a daughter, these pictures might make me you want to throw every TV in the house out the window, cancel the internet, rip down her Hannah Montana posters, put her cell phone in the garbage disposal and keep her in her room where you'll only read her stories about cute kittens, fairy princesses and rainbows (aka all of Mimi's bedtime favorites).

This is Miley Cyrus' 9-year-old sister Noah and her friends at a pre-party for the Teen Choice Awards at Level 3 Club in Hollywood last night.

I'm pretty sure that's not a stripper pole. Yeah, let's just tell ourselves that. Let's also tell ourselves that they are pretending it's a maypole. Yeah, a maypole. Gulp.

I also added a couple of pictures of a pop group (the three girls dressed like Hollywood Blvd. hookers circa 1987) I never heard of called THE MISS LOLITAS! Do they even know who Lolita is? Although, what's even more disturbing than their name is the fact that the blue one is using a CD disc as a hair accessory.

Somebody take the wheel and steer us back to the time when Kids Inc. was considered "edgy."

Picture this: Ryan O'Neal is at Farrah Fawcett's funeral, scoping out the situation and seeing what's sexy, when a woman comes up to hug him. Ryan immediately turns to her and says, "Hey, sweet cheeks. Who's your daddy?" And the woman responds, "You are. No, seriously, you are. Like seriously. You're my father." This is basically the story Ryan O'Neal told Vanity Fair in their newest issue. Yes, because hitting on a piece at the "love of your life's" funeral isn't skeezy enough, Ryan had to hit on his own daughter and tell the public-at-large about it. While Papa Joe nods in approval and gives a peens up to Ryan, the rest of us are shaking our heads to keep the dry heaves from becoming wet.

Ryan told Vanity Fair (via HuffPo), "I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me. I said to her, 'You have a drink on you? You have a car?' She said, 'Daddy, it's me--Tatum!' I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it's my daughter. It's so sick."

Ryan O'Neal touched me inappropriately with that quote. Seriously, you know that "This is your brain on drugs" PSA? They can redo that shit and use a picture of Ryan instead of a pan filled with fried eggs. Ryan O'Neal is fried eggs. I mean, if you can't even recognize your own daughter, it's time to pull the sheets over your head and take a nap. Your booze and bad stuff privileges have been temporarily revoked!

When Vanity Fair asked Tatum about it, she sighed, "That's our relationship in a nutshell. You make of it what you will. It had been a few years since we'd seen each other, and he was always a ladies' man, a bon vivant."

This video montage from the geniuses at Everything Is Terrible had me laughing, crying for mommy, calling my local congressman and checking the registered offenders list for the name Yogi Ogi Dogi. Is PedoBear a trust fund baby, because who in what actually invested money in this?!

Even the damn cow is making me want to crawl under my bed. Cows should not say "Mmmmm" like that!

The only thing missing from this video is Chris Hansen dose e' doe-ing of that barn in overalls. Everyone needs to have a seat!

I don't know if I can ever breathe again without feeling like I've been violated.