98 Degrees were on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote their new album and Andy Cohen brought up The Simpsons (the crazy family of crazies, not the cartoons) during a game of Plead The Fifth. The sneaky Siamese Cat in a tie asked the buff bull frog what's the best thing about not having Papa Joe as a father-in-law anymore. Nick Lachey twisted around on that question a bit before Drew Lachey shouted out, "EVERYTHING!" Then the memory bubble above Nick Lachey's head filled with images of Simpson hands on his ass when he said this:
"The best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law anymore is that I don't have to play grab-ass under the table on Easter Sunday anymore."
Okay, I'm interpreting that two ways:
1. Papa Joe was such a devout Christian pastor (HAHAHAHAHAHAH) that he wouldn't allow any public displays of affection in front of his good Christian eyes, so Nick and Jessica had to grab at each other's parts on the down low.
2. Papa Joe squeezed the ripest parts of Nick's ass while blessing the food.
I thought it was #1, but then when I watched the clip below and I figured it was #2. If that's the case, why in the hell did he stay in that family for so long? If I'm sitting there eating my delicious glazed ham and I feel the hand of a creepy holy man touching my hams while throwing me a wink, that's my cue to drop my fork, ask for a to-go plate and get the hell out of there. Or I'd take my plate and eat out on the curb, across the street while wearing butt armor.
I'm still confused, so I'm just going to say that Jessica squeezed one of Nick's ass cheeks while Papa Joe squeezed the other....and now I'm disturbed.
Nick Lachey Tells Us What We've Already Known: Kim Kartrashian Has Always Been A Shameless Fame Whore
Long before Kim Kartrashian replaced whatever was left of her soul with Botox and filled her uterus with the Illuminati's chosen one, she dated Nick Lachey for a quick second. You might be saying to yourself, "I didn't know Nick Lachey had a black dick." The year was 2006, so Nick was way more famous then than he is now and that's why Kim screwed with him.
In hell's official bible Kardashian Konfidential, the KKK's ghost writer writes that Kim's first touch of fame came when she went to the movies with Nick Lachey and pictures of their date showed up in the tabloids the next day. Details (via Radar) asked Nick Lachey if humanity can blame him for kreating the Kartrashian kunt monster and he said:
Nick: That’s one way to interpret it. Let’s just say this: We went to a movie. No one followed us there. Somehow, mysteriously, when we left, there were 30 photographers waiting outside. [Laughs] There are certain ways to play this game, and some people play it well.
Details: She also had some help from that sex tape.
Nick: Yeah, well that was already in the can.
"Already in the can..." I see what you did there, Nick. While I can appreciate Nick telling the world what we've already known, he is dumb for admitting that he screwed with a Kartrashian once. That's something you never ever admit. Dudes have gone broke from paying hypnotists to erase that memory from their brains. That's not even something you want to take to the grave with you. That's something you want to bury in a landfill far, far away. Nick should just deny, deny, deny. That wasn't him in those pictures with Kimodo Kartrashian. It was just another buff frog with luscious man titties like no other. I mean, I never knew that Nick was infected with the Kardashian-brand of khlamydia, but now I do. I bet Nick's son is going to file for emancipation now.
And if you were wondering what it would look like if Gumby ate Pokey and swallowed all of the Blockheads with his ass, here you go:
Above is a video of former Mr. Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey, getting kicked out of a Chargers vs. Bengals game in San Diego for fighting and running his mouth. Nick Lachey is the Bengals' forever bottom bitch and so when a Chargers fan sat in front of him in the stadium, he and his friends started heckling their rival during the game. This has nothing to do with anything, but I bet Nick Lachey took a dozen breaths away when his lush he-tits started heaving something sexy while he got all mad and shit. Even though I've never seen it with my own eyes, I can still say that I love it when Nick's nips get hard with rage.
TMZ has a blurry cell phone video on their site and it's hard to tell what's going on. For all we know, it could be an ultrasound video of Jessica Simpson's ovaries trying to fight away her fiance's fertile ass sperm. But TMZ says it's a video of Nick and the Chargers fan getting into it. The Chargers fan tells TMZ that Nick kept spewing out hate about his team and his wife defended him by shouting at Nick, "Well, he lasted longer than your boy band!" Nick called her a "fucking bitch" before choking out the Chargers fan. Security broke up the bitch fight and kicked Nick and his friends out of the stadium. Nick then went on Twitter and declared victory:
Just got kicked out of the chargers stadium and couldn't be prouder! Go Cincy Bengals! #whodey
Bengals win again. i'd talk trash to everyone in SD, but what's the point? you already had me kicked out of the stadium and you still lost.
Majority of charger fans were awesome yesterday, thanks for the hospitality! Sadly, there is always one guy that ruins it for everyone.....
For the record, i was not kicked out of the chargers game for excessive "trash talking". no, that honor belonged to the guy in front of me!
i simply don't appreciate someone turning around and putting their finger in my face. call me crazy, but that deserved a reaction.
again, aside from a few exceptions, i had a great time hanging with Charger fans all afternoon. honestly, some of the nicest fans around.
If brawls like that happened at every football game, I'd go to football games more often. Swallowing a hot dog dipped in beer while watching two mad dudes choke each other as a sea of Spandex-wrapped bulges dance in the field below. It doesn't get better than that. And if Nick was as passionate about hosting as he is about football, he wouldn't have looked like a block of wood while hosting The Sing-Off. Correction: a block of wood with an amazing rack.
Countdown to Vanessa Minnillo's "HOW I GOT MAH BODEEEEEEE BACK!" cover of Life & Style.
For some reason, I always forget that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson never made a baby together. Maybe it's because I want to believe that right before they quit each other they had a surprise love child who Jessica unknowingly gave birth to into a toilet. Then Papa Joe snatched up that secret love child and gave it to the maternal Georgia peach known as Mama June. That love child grew up to be America's sweetheart Honey Boo Boo Chile!!!! Honey Boo Boo does have Jessica's palate, so this makes sense. As far as we know, though, Nick and Jessica never spawned together, but now they both have their own baby with other hos.
Nick Lachey's wife of a year, Vanessa Minnillo, popped out a baby boy last night and they pushed out this statement to People afterward:
“We are incredibly proud to announce the birth of our beautiful baby boy, Camden John Lachey. Born today at 6:54 p.m., he came into this world at 8 lbs., 9 oz. and 21 inches. Love has truly been redefined for both of us.”
I'm punching myself in the bone helmet covering my brain for knowing this, but Kristin Calamariswhatever from The Hills also named her kid Camden. Camdens are taking over the world. Camden as a first name doesn't totally make my eyes roll to the side, but "Camden John" sounds like the nickname Amy Winehouse gave her toilet. But congratulations to Camden John who will get dozens of jealous looks from the other babies when his father breastfeeds him in the park. I mean, Nick totally holds more leche in his titty sacks than Vanessa does.
And brace yourselves for the eventual 2032 People cover that will read: "Newlyweds 2.0! Maxwell Drew Johnson & Camden John Lachey MARRIED!" We should start drinking now.
Prepare yourselves for a spawn of John Mayer, because with the way things are going his David Duke jizz is going to knock up a ho in no time. It's a terrifying trend! Nick Lachey announced on Live with Kelly (via People) this morning that just like Tony Romo, he's an ex-piece of Jessica Simpson who is going to be somebody's father soon. Nick said that he and his wife Vanessa Minnillo are expecting a baby friend this summer or fall.
"She was in New York and I was in the Bahamas. She went to the store and got a pregnancy test and it came back positive. We're having a baby! This is the one thing that more than any other I've looked forward to, and it's overwhelming.
If it's a girl, I think it might be Sophia. If it's a boy, I'm not sure."
Somewhere in California, Papa Joe is trying to lure Jessica's unborn baby out with a deep fried Pop Tart and butter sandwich, because they need to beat Vanessa Minillowhatever and her unborn baby to the cover of People Magazine. But Jessica has been knocked up for so long that Vanessa's going to pop out her second and third kid while a fully developed adult leg hangs out of Jessica's cooch.
But seriously, this is wonderful news, because Nick Lachey's glorious leche mounds should not go to waste. Those man titties were made for breastfeedin'.
One would think that because there's sunshine and tropical rains in Hawaii nearly every day, Nick Lachey's world-class rack would be extra lush and bountiful, but that's not what's happening here. Nick and his wife Vanessa Manilawhatever trained in the sport of bikini bike riding for the 2012 Holympics in Hawaii yesterday afternoon, and his chichis almost look as flat as her personality. The sudden urge to motorboat while humming the melody to "Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche)" usually fills me when I stare at Nick's succulent pectorals, but not one musical note is filling my throat. Eat some macadamias, Nick! Get those tetes to reach for the sun again.
Oh, let's just assume that Nick's pec sacks are still on California time so they're just taking their usual early evening nap. Let's assume that.
The wedding of the
year month week day hour took place on a "secret tropical island" (how fucking "Lost" of them) yesterday when the dude with the pork filled empanada titties from 98 Degrees married Vanessa Manilafolders in front of 35 friends and a TLC camera crew. Actually, I think this was the second wedding of the hour, because I'm sure somebody married somebody in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot in the south and that is definitely more interesting. Anyway, the former Mr. Jessica Simpson Nick Lachey said "I dooooooo cherish yoooooooooo" to Vanessa and they blurted out this statement to People just seconds after their extremely private secret wedding:
"For us, this is just a stepping stone to do what we ultimately want and that’s to start a family together."
The extremely private secret wedding will air on the not-so-secret and not-so-private cable channel TLC on July 30th. Their wedding special will air directly after a fart fetish episode of Strange Sex since a bowel movement usually follows a fart.
And across the ocean, Jessica Simpson's mouth married an Entenmann's crumb cake as her dumb dumb fiance used her credit card to order a dozen Roombas off of HSN for his foolproof business venture: ROOMBA DERBY! Yeah, you're laughing now....
Joey Fatone's knead and squeeze dough sacks aside, Nick Lachey had one of the best boy band racks in the 90s and it looks like his succulent pectorals still have the power to temporarily turn me into a tits kind of gay. Even though Nick looks like he only eats Tubby Tustard, I still would. Send your judgments here.
Jessica Simpson's former fart scent tester took a break from opening up his 98 Degrees royalty checks ("LOOK! They played 'True To Your Heart' in a soap opera in Croatia!" - Nick Lachey when looking at his check) to fly down to Mexico with his piece Vanessa Minnnilllolol. Okay, I never know how many Ls or Ns that girl has in her name (don't make me Google) so I figured it's better to give her more than less.
Nick and Vanessa are in Mexico to celebrate his 37th birfday, her 30th birfday and their new engagement. UsWeekly says that Nick sealed the deal with a $125,000 diamond ring. A $125,000 diamond ring that will fill Vanessa's nostrils with the aroma of one of Jessica Simpson's after eatin' burps whenever it sparkles since her money bought that shit!