The fame whoring leg move died the day after St. Angie Jo did it at the Oscars and then it woke up and quickly died again when JLo did it, and now it's definitely covered with grave dirt, because Michelle Williams has ended the trend by bringing us a new trend. At the Hollywood premiere of Oz: The Great and Powerful (which sadly isn't about Dr. Oz's eternal search for the perfect banana-shaped shit) last night, Michelle Williams wore a dress that was business in the front and party on the side.
Michelle wore some Prada window panel covered with mirrored flowers and when she turned to the side, she gave hos a peak of her memaw chonies. This works for me, because she can squat a piss out almost anywhere with ease and because you should always look like you're ready for a pool party. I had this friend in high school who wore a bikini under every damn outfit during the summer, because she always wanted to be ready to tan at a moment's notice. Or maybe she was an underage on-call stripper and needed to wear her uniform underneath her clothes at all times. That's possible.
So the side thigh is officially in. Everybody grab your skirts, dresses, pants, culottes, whatever and slit the side of that shit so your side thigh is always showing. I want to see all the side thighs.
Obviously, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz and James Franco didn't get the memo, because they kept their side thighs to themselves last night. But James Franco did float into the premiere on a balloon that was filled with more hot air than him. That's an accomplishment!
The next three Star Wars movies will be shot in somebody's garage and all the costumes will be made of cardboard and empty Mountain Dew cans, because Disney put all their money and more into the Wizard of Oz prequel, Oz: The Great and Powerful. Disney released the first full trailer for it this morning.
My abuelita had this moving waterfall painting in her bedroom that came alive when you plugged it in. The entire painting lit up, the waterfall moved, birds chirped and the rainbow over the water glowed. It was more real-looking and awe-inspiring than anything in the Oz: The Great and Powerful trailer. I know it's not supposed to look like real life, but damn. If they were going to use this much CGI, they should've used some CGI magic to make James Franco look anything but smug. I know, I'm just saying that because I'm jealous of the fact that Franco is an award-winning blogger.
Oz: The Great and Powerful is basically just a damage control piece, because they want us to believe that before the Wizard was a cranky, old, assholian bitch, he was a good man who wanted to do great things. Please, the Wizard of Oz was born a straight-up bitch and Disney can't convince me otherwise.
All shade aside, this doesn't look as awful as I thought it was going to look. It looks like the perfect movie to get stoned to (but what isn't?). My only real problem is that somebody needs to give Michelle Williams a hug or some TUMS already. Girl always looks like she's either got bad indigestion or she just watched the last part of Where the Red Fern Grows. Or maybe Michelle is just on the verge of letting out a stream of happy tears, because she can't believe that she's acting opposite the greatest artist in the world: James Franco.
If a mash-up of Carolina Herrera and Gary Oldman as Dracula went to the HERP DERP Salon and told his stylist, "Gurl, give me the Walter Mercado," this is the beautiful image that would make every mirror in the place steam up. One thing Hollywood has taught us is that the more jacked up Javier Bardem's hair is in a movie, the eviler his character is. So this is one is definitely skipping hand-in-hand with Lucifer and Pimp Mama Kris on a trailer of charred innocent souls. Bitch is that evil.
Below is the new trailer for The Queen's homeboy's new movie Skyfall and besides the regulars, it also stars Javie, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Wishshaw as Q, Albert Finney, Naomie Harris and Bérénice Marlohe. Open your eyes as wide as possible to take in all of Javier's peroxide glamour:
Daniel and Javier's scene! Javier is serving up some blond queen cuntiness. When Javier coos at Bond, "Just look at you, chasing spies," I expected Bond to snap back with, "Just look at YOU, bitch, chasing Swedish guinea pigs to make wigs out of." Congratulations to Sam Mendes for giving us the most glamorous evil Bond queen of ALL-TIME!
Here's Daniel, Rachel Weisz and Jeremy Renner at last night's NYC premiere of that Bourne Identity reboot. I am not interested in that Bourne shit if it doesn't have a straw-haired Javier Bardem in it.
This is what Disney got when they threw together $200 million, Sam Raimi James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz, Michelle Williams, Zach Braff (???) and slightly more special effects than your average Mimi photo shoot. This is the trailer for the prequel of Wizard of Oz, Oz: The Great And Powerful and it comes out next year after the world has ended.
James Franco plays some kind of scheming magician who gets sucked into a tornado and travels to a land made of leftover CGI effects from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. James then meets the three witches: Mila Kunis, who looks like a cross between a bootleg Carmen Sandiego and a lost character from Clue, Rachel Weisz and Michelle Williams. Even in a damn children's movie Michelle Williams looks sad, cold and on the verge of tears. Somebody get her a space blanket and a basket of kittens. Michelle plays Glinda, so shouldn't she be like singing and blowing out bubbles and shit? Anyway, once James meets them, they somehow decide that he's the first coming of God and is going to save Oz. It's kind of like how James Franco thinks he, James Franco, is the first coming of God and is going to save us with his ART.
Also, am I the only one who wishes that Oz: The Great And Powerful was a movie about Christopher Meloni having non-stop butt sex in a prison shower?
Click here if you can't see the trailer above.
That sound of an iceberg breaking off and falling into the ocean you hear is actually Nicole Kidman trying to raise a brow over what Kate Winslet said to The Telegraph recently. 35-year-old Kate says that she, Rachel Weisz and Emma Thompson have formed of group of superhero actresses who are dropping kicking the plastic surgeon's scalpel and shooting bullets through silicone titty sacks, because turning their bodies into a frozen tundra of zero emotion is against their "morals." Kate Winslet's alleged original nose hummed out the melody to "Don't You Forget About Me" while she, Rachel and Emma said this:
“I will never give in,” vows Winslet. “It goes against my morals, the way that my parents brought me up and what I consider to be natural beauty.”
Winslet, who is the daughter of “jobbing actors” from Berkshire, adds: “I am an actress, I don’t want to freeze the expression of my face.”
Her comments echo those by Thompson, to whom she has been close since they appeared together in Sense and Sensibility in 1995. “I’m not fiddling about with myself,” said Thompson, 52. “We’re in this awful youth-driven thing now where everybody needs to look 30 at 60.”
Weisz, 41, for her part, has said her natural beauty is an asset. “People who look too perfect don’t look sexy or particularly beautiful,” said the Oscar-winning star of The Constant Gardener, who married Daniel Craig this year.
Okay...and? You can close your open palm, Kate, because nobody's going to get a step ladder to climb up to your high horse and give you a gold star.
Really, what's this "morals" crap? Stretching your face until you're barely recognizable doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you a bad person to look at sometimes. If a Meg Ryan type wants to transform her face into Howard the Duck as seen through eyes of Picasso, who am I to judge? Yes, I'll make fun of her until my fingers go sore just like I'm making fun of Kate for standing at the altar of self-righteousness as the choir sings out "thiiiiiiiiis biiiiiiitch."
It's really not that serious. If you want to fuck with your face, fuck with your face. If you don't want to fuck with your face, don't fuck with your face. If you want to type the beautiful word fuck four times in two sentences, then type the beautiful word fuck four times in two sentences.
Just over a week ago, Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig
totally fucked up tied the knot out of the blue in a private ceremony. From what The New York Post reports, while the rest of the world was going "WHAAA? They had totally different SO's a few months ago!" her neighbors in the Catskills said they knew that shit was coming. Check out this quote from "a source" (damn, that bitch gets AROUND):
"I saw them in the local grocery store, Emmanuel's Market Place. They looked like the world's hottest couple...They were casually dressed, then Daniel suddenly pulled Rachel to him in the middle of produce and gave her a passionate kiss, right next to the bananas. They looked more in love and sexier than Brad and Angelina."
HAHAHA IN YO FACE, BRAD AND ANGIE!!! SOURCE totally owned your ass! Actually, no, that's not really saying much since current Brangie is only sexy if you get turned on looking at a plate of boiled bratwurst with a botoxed chopstick and some wax lips on it. I think the funniest and sessiest part of this quote is the detail that they did it by the bananas! SUGGESTIVE. Move over cucumbers, there is a new king of phallic produce!
There were also reports of them PDAing all over each other at the local gym. Before you say "Pinche putas!! A minute ago, he was engaged and she was shacked up for the last 8 years with her baby daddy!" (like you really knew that shit since you get all your news on Dlisted), they dated briefly 20 years ago and recently fell back in love with each other's privates while working together on "Dream House" last year. So technically, they have the longest relationship in the history of Hollywood. HOT.
This time last year, Rachel Weisz was married to the dude that made Jennifer Connelly do ass-to-ass in a movie, and Daniel Craig was with his girlfriend of five years and now they're married to each other. What a difference a year and good ass makes. Rachel's rep tells People that she married James Bond IN SECRET this past Wednesday in NYC. The only people at the wedding were Daniel's 18-year-old daughter Ella, Rachel's 4-year-old son Henry and two friends. If you were thinking that it's been a couple of seconds since Rachel started shaking her coochtini on James Bond's crotch, you're sort of right. They started getting on each other last fall.
There's really zero details about this wedding. We only know that they're married and that shit was small. The worst part about this secret wedding is that there aren't any pictures. And by pictures I mean one of a completely nekkid ass nekkid Daniel Craig with a top hat on his peen standing next to another nekkid ass nekkid Daniel Craig with a veil on his peen. Yes, I'd like Daniel Craig to completely reenact his secret wedding to Rachel with his peen. Rachel gets the day off. Daniel owes this to us!
When Rachel Weisz and Darren Aronofsky announced that their relationship was unwinding like Natalie Portman's sanity in Black Swan (aka Showgirls In Tights), there was a rumor that she had already soothed her sadness by gently rocking on Daniel Craig's crotch. Most therapists will tell you that the cure for the common sad is Daniel Craig cock, so you Rachel did the right thing. At the time, Rachel and Craig both denied that shit, but apparently they were telling LIES. The News of the World (via UsWeekly) published a few pictures of Daniel and Rachel holding hands over the weekend in Somerset, England. And if you shut the lights and waved a black light wand over their hands, I'm sure you'd see splatters of their sex juices. DOING. IT.
The Daily Mail says that Daniel and Rachel stayed at some fancy country inn and were seen holding hands and laughing as they strolled to a nearby pub for a little after sex cordial. One witness-type said, "Daniel and Rachel looked like a romantic couple in a film. They were laughing and hanging on to each other's words and stopping to take photos of each other. They were clinging to each other like honeymooners. The chemistry was obvious."
Daniel and Satsuki Mitchell, who were promised to be married for a long ass time, reportedly ended their love earlier this year.
Daniel (who might just have a case of wandering peen) just got out of a long term thing and Rachel just got out of a long term thing, so this is probably just a first stop fuck before they fully emerge into singlehood (I think). And nothing gets your mind off of a BROKEN HEART like a good old-fashioned rebound fuck. It's sort of like eating your feelings. Except Rachel is eating her feelings off of Daniel's peen.
This picture of Rachel Weisz and Darren Aronofsky was taken at the Toronto Film Festival premiere of Black Swan in September, but apparently they retired their genitals from each other long before this shit was taken. A rep for Rachel and Darren tells TMZ that they officially quit each other after 9 years together. They split up a few months ago.
The rep says that Rachel and Darren, the man responsible for bringing us Jennifer Connelly's ass-to-ass scene in Requiem For A Dream, have changed the status of their relationship from full-time fuck partners to friends and will continue to raise their 4-year-old son together in NYC. Rachel and Darren never got married so fortunately for them they don't have to whip out their Sharpies to check the "irreconcilable differences" box on divorce papers.
I haven't heard any whispers around the quad as to why Darren and Rachel broke up, but TMZ has it on good authority that she has been bumping nipples with this bitch for months:
DANIEL CRAIG, you homewrecking slut whore royale! Who knew Daniel Craig had a certificate from Sienna Miller's Community College of Bulldoze Fucking hanging on his wall? Daniel has been with that Satsuki Mitchell chick for years, but I guess he handed her an empty cardboard box and relieved her of her duties.
Now, I haven't seen Darren dick situation (click here for Daniel's), but I can still say with full confidence that this definitely lands under the UP-FUCKING-GRADE category. However, that ass-to-ass scene still makes cameos in my nightmares from time to time so Darren has that going for him. I'll spread my cheeks and sit on the fence on this until the dick situation part gets cleared up.