If you're a dude and you're not 1995 Nick Carter or a highly skilled Canadian carpenter who can easily turn a dingy basement into an $800/a month apartment, then you should proceed with caution when attempting to part your hair in the middle. Note to dudes everywhere: the middle part is a privilege and not a right.
God gave most dudes fingers and just because we have God-given fingers doesn't mean we should use that shit to part our hair in the middle. Sometimes a finger does you good (see: self-fingering) and sometimes it does you wrong (see: middle parted hair). Learn from Bradley Cooper's ass. B. Coop wore middle parted hair to the National Board of Review Awards Gala in NYC last night and it made him look like an overgrown man child who spends his lunch break licking the crotch part of ladies panties in the intimate apparel section at JcPenney. That's the kind of evil power the middle part has. Part with caution!
Here's some dudes at last night's National Board of Review Awards Gala who got the memo and did not attempt the middle part: Ben Affleck, Chris Tucker, John C. Reilly and Daniel Craig.
If a mash-up of Carolina Herrera and Gary Oldman as Dracula went to the HERP DERP Salon and told his stylist, "Gurl, give me the Walter Mercado," this is the beautiful image that would make every mirror in the place steam up. One thing Hollywood has taught us is that the more jacked up Javier Bardem's hair is in a movie, the eviler his character is. So this is one is definitely skipping hand-in-hand with Lucifer and Pimp Mama Kris on a trailer of charred innocent souls. Bitch is that evil.
Below is the new trailer for The Queen's homeboy's new movie Skyfall and besides the regulars, it also stars Javie, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Wishshaw as Q, Albert Finney, Naomie Harris and Bérénice Marlohe. Open your eyes as wide as possible to take in all of Javier's peroxide glamour:
Daniel and Javier's scene! Javier is serving up some blond queen cuntiness. When Javier coos at Bond, "Just look at you, chasing spies," I expected Bond to snap back with, "Just look at YOU, bitch, chasing Swedish guinea pigs to make wigs out of." Congratulations to Sam Mendes for giving us the most glamorous evil Bond queen of ALL-TIME!
Here's Daniel, Rachel Weisz and Jeremy Renner at last night's NYC premiere of that Bourne Identity reboot. I am not interested in that Bourne shit if it doesn't have a straw-haired Javier Bardem in it.
I know, you're just here for the Corgis.
At tonight's Opening Ceremony for the 2012 Olympics (or as I know them as, the 2012 Athlete Bulge Watch), London shot their biggest load by putting THE QUEEN (you should curtsy at your keyboard while reading that) and James Bond together in the same room. I expected Helen Mirren in THE QUEEN drag to turn around when Bond came sashaying in, but it was the actual Queen and she had a line and everything. I hope this leads to The Queen starring in the next Bond movies as a villainess who beats him with her pocket book.
I haven't finished watching all of the Opening Ceremony, but I'm assuming that instead of fireworks, a naked Prince Hot Ginge came out and did jumping jacks. And I'm also assuming that the musical entertainment was Pete Doherty letting out his crack yodel while Harvey Price backed him up on the tambourine. Oh, and England's official ambassador of beauty Jodie Marsh lit the Olympic cauldron, right? Am I right? I'm totally right.
Seen here having a slow roll orgasm from being touched by my favorite Kardashihater Daniel Craig at last night's NYC premiere of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Rooney Mara is quickly becoming the Vulcan Natalie Portman, because she's getting cast in movie after movie after movie. But before David Fincher plucked Rooney and threw her into his movies, she shot a guest spot on Law & Order: SVU and she tells Allure (via Page Six) that it was torturous for her. I know, Rooney Mara has been through so much. Miss Sophia should lend Rooney her "ALL MY LIFE!" speech, because this is a girl who has struggled! Obviously. Light a patron saint candle for this young famous actress from a family of multimillionaires after you read about the hardships she's suffered through.
"It was so awful. So stupid. Me and my boyfriend — although I [didn't] look old enough to have a boyfriend — went and beat up these fat people, and at the end of the show you find out that I used to be obese and I hate fat people. It’s ridiculous. Who would ever do that? Who would beat someone up because they’re fat? People are obsessed with that show. I don’t get it."
Miss Sophia seriously just rolled her one good eye at Rooney. Rooney just showed us that she's a GOOP-in-training. How nice of her to drop a lump of ungratefulness all over the show that gave her one of her first acting jobs.
If people weren't obsessed with that show, it would've been canceled a long time ago, she never would've been on it and she probably wouldn't be in that Dragon Girl shit. I mean, Rooney's big movie hasn't even come out yet and she's already Megan Fox-ing at the mouth. Rooney, please pull up a chair next to Kristen Stewart in the HO, STOP section of the auditorium.
And here's more of Rooney wearing a Tron negligee to the GWTDT premiere.
The only time the UK Department of Public Health allows that piece of trash Peaches Geldof into public movie theaters is when the filthy street rats overtake the concession stand and only a diseased gutter snake like her can scare them away. So it must of been a very special occasion for them to let Peaches into London's Odeon Cinema for the premiere of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo last night and it was. The organizers of last night's premiere knew their red carpet needed some greasy beauty that only Peaches' newest fiancé Thomas Cohen can provide.
Thomas is that ho who put coolots back on the fashion map last August when he strolled around with Peaches while looking like the kind of Asian girl Woody Allen would like to marry. And yeah, now he's about to partake in a pre-divorce ceremony with Peaches, but you know that shit isn't going to last. Thomas is going to pull out as soon as he comes down from the hallucinations a bitch gets after drinking up the fermented syrup that seeps out of Peaches' pores. So we should take in Thomas' beauty while we still can.
Also at last night's Dragon Tattoo premiere was anti-Kardashian activist Daniel Craig and some runaway Vulcan bride.
Daniel Craig completed everyone's life recently when wise words of beautiful wisdom spilled out of his poetry hole during an interview with GQ Magazine. This is the original quote, and yes, it should be mandatory for schoolchildren to memorize it and recite it right before saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning.
"Look at the Kardashians, they're worth millions. I don't think they were that badly off to begin with but now look at them. You see that and you think, 'What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television and then you'll pay me millions?' I'm not judging it—well, I am obviously."
Doesn't that just give your soul a boner? Well, Heat Magazine (via TS) asked Pimp Mama Kris, seen below with the ghost of a praying mantis at The Hollywood Reporter's
Famewhoring Whores Women in Entertainment luncheon, what she thinks about the truth according to James Bond (and the world). Being the piece of delusional shit that she is, Pimp Mama Kris let a bull's anus do the talking for her and it said this:
"(He has) crossed the line. It's not made him look like the world's nicest guy. The right thing for a real man to do now would be to issue a public apology. The easy thing would be to criticize his career now, but our family won't stoop to that level."
I don't think Daniel Craig heard Pimp Mama Kris' response since the verbal shit of earth scum doesn't travel all the way up, up, up, up, up, up, up to his perch on the highest level. Stoop to that level?! This Cousin Balki-looking bitch is either a comedic genius or she's obsessively dedicated to the art of being fucking delusional. Rat shit and Snooki's tampon sit a few dozen levels above the Kardashians on the pyramid of life.
What is she going to attack in Daniel Craig's career? That is an impossible mission. That's like me attacking the writing skills of George Bernard Shaw. That's like a maggot on a piece of rotten hamburger attacking a cow for not being fresh. What was Pimp Mama Kris going to say? That Daniel Craig worked to get the career he has while the Kardashians' fame was handed to them on a glove that didn't fit? That Daniel Craig used his talent to become a millionaire celebrity while the Kardashians' used Kim's asshole? Burn.
Pimp Mama Kris needs to stop acting like there's an exit for the High Road on the Famewhore Highway.
If InTouch (via Celebitchy) is telling the truth, then Daniel Craig learned the hard way that before dropping your longtime piece for another piece, you should cancel all of your credit cards and change the locks on everything you own that has a lock. Because if your longtime piece is a disciple of Blu Cantrell's Church of Getting Even, then you'll be left with a whole lot of airline miles and an AMEX bill thicker than Skeletor's wrist thick peen. A source says that Daniel's ex-girlfriend Satsuki Mitchell did just that when she figured out that James Bond dumped her for Rachel Weisz.
The source says that Satsuki lived with Daniel while he shot Dream House with Rachel and she knew something in the milk was Rachel's pubes when he didn't come home from the set one day. The source went on to say that Satsuki "was frantically calling, texting and emailing him, but he was probably with Rachel and not answering." Satsuki didn't get revenge by going down to the set to beat on both of their asses. Satsuki got revenge by using Daniel's credit cards, which he gave her permission to use, to rack up $1 million in charges.
I would've loved to see the look on James Bond's face when he opened up his credit card bills. It was probably the same face made by the clerk at the check cashing place in the mini mall when Satsuki threw down all of Daniel's credit cards and barked at him to call in the Brink's trucks, because what he's got in his drawer is not going to cover the cash advance she's about to take out.
Rachel might have gotten a wedding ring from Daniel, but I'm sure Satsuki bought herself something better: A YACHT! A yacht that she named "Thanks To Rachel's Pussy," of course.
Just over a week ago, Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig
totally fucked up tied the knot out of the blue in a private ceremony. From what The New York Post reports, while the rest of the world was going "WHAAA? They had totally different SO's a few months ago!" her neighbors in the Catskills said they knew that shit was coming. Check out this quote from "a source" (damn, that bitch gets AROUND):
"I saw them in the local grocery store, Emmanuel's Market Place. They looked like the world's hottest couple...They were casually dressed, then Daniel suddenly pulled Rachel to him in the middle of produce and gave her a passionate kiss, right next to the bananas. They looked more in love and sexier than Brad and Angelina."
HAHAHA IN YO FACE, BRAD AND ANGIE!!! SOURCE totally owned your ass! Actually, no, that's not really saying much since current Brangie is only sexy if you get turned on looking at a plate of boiled bratwurst with a botoxed chopstick and some wax lips on it. I think the funniest and sessiest part of this quote is the detail that they did it by the bananas! SUGGESTIVE. Move over cucumbers, there is a new king of phallic produce!
There were also reports of them PDAing all over each other at the local gym. Before you say "Pinche putas!! A minute ago, he was engaged and she was shacked up for the last 8 years with her baby daddy!" (like you really knew that shit since you get all your news on Dlisted), they dated briefly 20 years ago and recently fell back in love with each other's privates while working together on "Dream House" last year. So technically, they have the longest relationship in the history of Hollywood. HOT.
This time last year, Rachel Weisz was married to the dude that made Jennifer Connelly do ass-to-ass in a movie, and Daniel Craig was with his girlfriend of five years and now they're married to each other. What a difference a year and good ass makes. Rachel's rep tells People that she married James Bond IN SECRET this past Wednesday in NYC. The only people at the wedding were Daniel's 18-year-old daughter Ella, Rachel's 4-year-old son Henry and two friends. If you were thinking that it's been a couple of seconds since Rachel started shaking her coochtini on James Bond's crotch, you're sort of right. They started getting on each other last fall.
There's really zero details about this wedding. We only know that they're married and that shit was small. The worst part about this secret wedding is that there aren't any pictures. And by pictures I mean one of a completely nekkid ass nekkid Daniel Craig with a top hat on his peen standing next to another nekkid ass nekkid Daniel Craig with a veil on his peen. Yes, I'd like Daniel Craig to completely reenact his secret wedding to Rachel with his peen. Rachel gets the day off. Daniel owes this to us!
This is the international poster for The Girl with the Puff the Magic Dragon Tattoo and it has opened my eyes to one thing: the classic black censor box can officially retire. The black censor box has protected our children's eyes from lady nipples for years and it's served us well. But there's a new nipple-shielding sheriff in town. I'm talking about Daniel Craig's arm. Daniel Craig's arm is an effective nipple blocker and it's attached to Daniel Craig. Is the black censor box attached to Daniel Craig? Exactly.
This is a win/win for everybody. It's a win for followers of the THINK OF THE CHILDREN movement. It's also a win for topless sluts. Even the biggest topless slut out there won't mind her nipples getting blocked if Daniel Craig's arm did the blocking.
Yes, I think Daniel Craig's arm unsuccessfully blocked Rooney Mara's right nipple, but he's still in training. Give him time.