Wilmer Valderrama

Here's Wilmer Vlderrama checking in with his comrade PedoBear to see if any new fresh meat has strolled out of the Disney studio. Wilmer stuffed his self-proclaimed 8-inch meat snake into some swim shorts to sashay around the beach in Miami yesterday. To answer my own headline, no, I would not hit that. Slap Wilmer's crotch sausage on a bed of chocolate nachos and I still wouldn't hit it. I'm crazy and neurotic enough. Wilmer's extra long cachito dick makes hos go crazy. Exhibit A and B: Lindsay Lohan and Demi Lovato. Wilmer sticks the tip in, and years later you're gargling on Charlie Sheen's soggy fish balls for a check.

Wilmer's dick is the gateway to Crazy Town. Just....no.

Wilmer Valderrama's got his eye on you, Chris Hansen.

The exit door to Mickey Mouse's rehab center for the teen stars he helped to screw up now has a regular fixture named Wilmer Valderrama in front of it. Wilmer is available for any damaged barely legal teen star who needs a 31-year-old nutsack to cry on ("...and while you're there" - Wilmer). Because E! News says that after humping on each other for about a year, 19-year-old Demi Lovato has taken her final ride on Wilmer's self-proclaimed XXL chalupa dick. Demi might've confirmed this highly important breaking news on Twitter when she turned into the Emo of Anistons by re-Tweeting a Marilyn Monroe quote before Tweeting a few words of encouragement for herself:

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." Marilyn Monroe

The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.

In other words, bitch got too old for Fez.

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

Months of rehab, whooping a trick in an airport, snorting the bad shit off of Mickey Mouse's inner thigh and allegedly sexing on a piece in front of everyone at a party was not enough to fully scrape away the Disney from Demi Lovato's image, so she decided to scratch off another layer by baring her butt chin cleavage and 19-year-old chest balls at the Latin Grammys in Las Vegas last night. I've always said that nothing says "GROWN" like titty tape and chichi contouring, but couldn't Demi have chosen a better dress for her titties' coming out party?

Dwight from RHOA could let out a hundred How Dreadfuls over this and he'd still need to let out a hundred more before he begins to accurately describe this mess. Somewhere, a 50-year-old novella villainess is missing a boudoir gown to change into right before she seduces her arch rival's husband. There's a reason why the Blanche Devereaux intimates section at Bealls has a "50+ only" sign at its entrance. It takes a certain seasoned slutty abuelita to pull off a dress like this. Stick to the juniors section, Demi.

And I'm guessing every brush in her hotel room went on strike last night, so I won't throw her cold shade for those pre-brushed, straight-out-of-the-rollers quince curls.

Of course, Wilmer Valderrama, the Jack Gordon to Demi's La Toya, was there last night. Just looking at pictures of Wilmer makes me sniff at my coffee cup to make sure I haven't been roofied without permission. Wilmer's gross ass probably made Demi wear that dress since he looks like the type who's into the "slutty senior at a 70s swingers party" look.

When 30-year-old Wilmer Valderrama isn't refreshing Affliction's website for new pieces of joo-ree made out of silver-plated douche bottles, he's leaning against his Camaro right outside of Disney's barely legal playground. Wilmer bragged to Howard Stern that his "8-inch" peen plucked Mandy Moore's cherry out with its lips and he humped on Lindsay Lohan when she turned 18, and now Page Six is saying that he's added Demi LoVATOOOO to his list. So the new equation for all of you aspiring Hollywood messes out there is: sell your soul to Mickey Mouse + get yourself an ass bag of a dad who won't shut his mouth hole + get with Fez. Mickey is Fez's wingman.

A source tells Page Six that Wilmer and 18-year-old Demi first met while shooting a public service spot for the victims of the earthquake in Chile in May. Right after Joe Jonas traded Demi in for an older and bushier beard, she rolled right into Wilmer's waterbed (you know his ass has a waterbed). Another source says that Demi considers Wilmer a big part of her life and introduced him to her friends as her boyfriend. Apparently, they are still together while she tries to rid herself of the fuckery in a treatment center.

Demi's spokeswhore kept their lips shut about this and Wilmer's spokeswhore denied all of it.

Whether or not this is true, we'll find out the next time Wilmer goes on Howard Stern since he's all about spilling everything about his past pieces including rating them on a scale form 1 to 10 and comparing their snatches to baked goods ("Mandy Moore was not like warm apple pie" - Wilmer). And don't be surprised if when Miley Cyrus goes to Disney's counseling trailer to talk about her parents divorce, she finds Wilmer sitting in the therapist's chair. Wilmer will smoothly pull down his eyeglasses and say, "Tell me everything..." I swear, Mickey and Fez are totally in CAHOOTS!