Billy Ray Cyrus
Billy Ray Cyrus didn't write about Miley Cyrus' relationship with Liam Hemsworth in his new book Hillybilly Heart (that really is the name), because why give precious page space in his straight-to-the-clearance-shelf-at-Piggly-Wiggly memories to something that is going to end any second now? But Billy did tells Access Hollywood Live (via DS) about how Liam came to him and asked for his meal ticket's hand in marriage. Usually when an outsider asks for a hillbilly's daughter's hand, that hillbilly father will only allow it if it the outsider wins a naked wrestling match in a mud pit against a hog after downing two XXX jugs. Billy let Liam skip that challenge, but he did ask for something else.
"He didn't have to, but he did. He's got a really sweet side to him and he came in. They had the big rock. They [were] all bashful about it and then said, 'Hey, look at this'. And Miley was showing that ring and Liam kind of [said] a little something to me - it was kind of the professional question and I jokingly [said], 'Can I be in your brother's next movie?' And then I said, 'No, I'm joking'."
Here's Billy Ray working the hell out of his Mrs. Brady season 2 hairstyle while leaving GMA yesterday.
Billy Ray Cyrus is about to throw all of his fresh-out-of-prison cousins, sewed-off rifles, coonhounds and knives made out of possum claws into the back of his pick-up truck and drive it all the way Atlanta so he can handle Liam Hemsworth for hurting his daughter's hillbilly heart. Because Radar says that at a party in Hollywood last week, Liam was "canoodling" and whispering into the ear of some hot blonde. Miley Cyrus wasn't around.
The witness says that Liam showed up to the party early and spent most of the night talking to the hot blonde in the back of the tent. Maybe Liam just wanted to remind himself what it's like to talk to a chick who doesn't sound like Harvey Fierstein hawking a loogie. The witness type said this:
“Liam was in the corner of the back tent with a blonde and they were getting very cozy. It definitely looked like they were behaving in a way that was more than just friendly. His friend/handler was trying to keep people away and allow Liam and his 'friend' some privacy, but Liam didn’t seem to be that worried about it.”
Wait, wait... A hot blonde who makes grown men giggle themselves into a coma? That wasn't Liam's lady side piece. That was his brother THOR!
That dumb bitch of an eyewitness! I bet the eyewitness also said that when the hot blonde flipped her mane, every light bulb burst and she sort of smelt like Strawberry Suave shampoo. Yeah, it was THOR, not some average slut. Pull your cousins out of the pick-up, Billy Ray. It was a false cheater alarm.
Love is burning on the shopping cart grill in Billy Ray Cyrus' heart again, because his family is back to gnawing on charred possum legs in the backyard together! Just last month, Billy Ray's marriage to Tish was on its way to the barn to be put down and Miley Cyrus ignored his howls for attention, but everything is fixed now! Tish is chewing on the ends of Billy Ray's mullet when they spoon in the back of a pickup truck and he couldn't be happier. In a sit down with The View airing tomorrow, Billy Ray tells the hens that the divorce is off and Miley is talking to his ass again. From People:
"I've dropped the divorce. I want to put my family back together … Things are the best they've ever been. I feel like I got my Miley back. I feel like we're the daddy and daughter we were before Hannah Montana.
Hannah Montana didn't ruin my family. Fame did. Sometimes when you get in this ride, you feel like you're strapped to a rocket."
I bet it was really difficult for Billy Ray to say those words with the CHA-CHING sound booming in his head after every sentence. "I feel like I got my Miley back!" Cut to Miley's business manager stuffing a cashiers check into the coffee tin bank account under Billy Ray's floor board. "Hannah Montana didn't ruin my family!" Cut to Mickey Mouse dropping a wad of hundreds in Billy Ray's fanny pack.
I don't blame Billy Ray. He can buy a lot of taco party packs with that money.
Billy Ray Cyrus wishes Mickey Mouse never butt birthed Hannah Montana. Billy Ray Cyrus knows that his parenting report card has a giant F in red on it. Billy Ray Cyrus doesn't put out his hands and collect an allowance check from Miley Cyrus every Friday afternoon. Billy Ray Cyrus feels a spiritual connection to the late Kurt Cobain and says that he was the only one who showed some support while the rest of the music industry laughed at that Achy Breaky Heart crap. Billy Ray Cyrus has a bomb shelter in his backyard. Billy Ray Cyrus could see the Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole Smith tragedies coming a mile away and tried to contact both of them to help. Billy Ray Cyrus is dilapidated feed bag full of crazy. That's just some of the shit that's covered in GQ's 6-page interview with Billy Ray Cyrus. Yes, I read the whole thing. Yes, it made me wish I was listening to Achy Break Heart at full volume instead.
GQ's piece portrays Billy Ray as a lonely and sad-like hillbilly who sits on the front porch of his Tennessee mansion petting at his pet possums head while deep thinking about how fame and fortune was the rusty nail shoved deep into the heart of his family. Billy Ray regrets ever letting his truck stop toddler daughter Miley do Hannah Montana ("DON'T WE ALL?!" - humanity).
Here's the Cliffs Notes version of the forever long southern WOE IS ME howl that Billy let out to GQ. This is like some "hillbilly Grey Gardens" shit:
On Miley's name: "My intuition has told me that that little girl, her name should be Destiny Hope Cyrus, because I feel like it's her destiny to bring hope to the world.'"
On how he's not on Miley's payroll: "For the record, to set it straight, I want to tell you: I've never made a dime off of Miley. You got a lot of people have made percentages off of her. I'm proud to say to this day I've never made one commissioned dollar, or dime, off of my daughter."
On how "he'll take it" for Miley: "Every time something happened in Miley's career, every time the train went off the track, if you will—Vanity Fair,2 pole-dancing,3 whatever scandal it was—her people, or as they say in today's news, her handlers, every time they'd put me... 'Somebody's shooting at Miley! Put the old man up there!' Well, I took it, because I'm her daddy, and that's what daddies do. 'Okay, nail me to the cross, I'll take it....' All those people around, they used me every time. It became so obvious that, man, no matter what happens, they're going to put you up there and let you take the bullet."
On why he didn't go to her 18th barfday party: "You know why I didn't go? Because they were having it in a bar. It was wrong. It was for 21 years old and up. Once again all them people, they all wanted me to fly out so that then when all the bad press came they could say, 'Daddy endorsed this stuff....' I started realizing I'm being used. If I would have went out there I would have been right in the middle of all this stuff that's going on right now with the bong. They'd be hanging it on my ass. I had the common sense... I said, 'This whole thing's falling apart up there and they just want to blame all of this stuff on you again.' I'm staying out of it."
On how Miley's handlers told him to stay out of the bong video mini-scandal: "I didn't know what the footage was. They told me, 'it was none of my business.' I'm dealing with somebody that had only known my daughter for possibly four years, and I'm her daddy. I was pretty damn insulted. And I took that as the ultimate alarm. 'It's none of your business'! None of my business that you're out running around L.A. trying to buy kids' computers and phones because there's something about my daughter...?"
On how he now believes his parenting skills suck: "The business was driving a wedge between us. How many interviews did I give and say, 'You know what's important between me and Miley is I try to be a friend to my kids'? I said it a lot. And sometimes I would even read other parents might say, 'You don't need to be a friend, you need to be a parent.' Well, I'm the first guy to say to them right now: You were right. I should have been a better parent. I should have said, 'Enough is enough—it's getting dangerous and somebody's going to get hurt.' I should have, but I didn't. Honestly, I didn't know the ball was out of bounds until it was way up in the stands somewhere."
On how he thinks Miley is starting to sashay down the "Lindsay Lohan" part of the ho stroll: "I'm scared for her. She's got a lot of people around her that's putting her in a great deal of danger. I know she's 18, but I still feel like as her daddy I'd like to try to help. Take care of her just a little bit, to at least get her out of danger. I want to get her sheltered from the storm. Stop the insanity just for a minute.
On why his entire family got baptized when they moved to Hollywood: "It was Tish's idea. She said, 'We're going to be under attack, and we have to be strong in our faith and we're all going to be baptized...' And there, driving to work each day in the City of Angels, was this sign. A physical sign. It could have easily said 'You will now be attacked by Satan.' 'Entering this industry, you are now on the highway to darkness...' It's the way it is. There has always been a battle between good and evil. Always will be. You think, 'This is a chance to make family entertainment, bring families together...' and look what it's turned into."
On Hannah Montana: "Oh, it's huge—it destroyed my family. I'll tell you right now—the damn show destroyed my family. And I sit there and go, 'Yeah, you know what? Some gave all.' It is my motto, and guess what? I have to eat that one. I some-gave-all'd it all right. I some-gave-all'd it while everybody else was going to the bank. It's all sad."
On if he regrets Hannah Montana: "I hate to say it, but yes, I do. Yeah. I'd take it back in a second. For my family to be here and just be everybody okay, safe and sound and happy and normal, would have been fantastic. Heck, yeah. I'd erase it all in a second if I could."
Maybe I'm as naive as the pet possum who doesn't think Billy Ray is going to cut its froat and throw it on the barbecue for Tuesday night dinner, but I believe he knows and regrets turning his daughter out for fame and cash. Now if he'll only publicly voice his regrets for that dusty fucking mullet on his head.
And that being said, I'm still slightly more interested in what's in that Taco Party Pack on the counter.
Billy Ray Cyrus let out a Twitter sigh today after finding out that his little trailer park weed flower has been bonging now that she's of legal age. Billy Ray's mullet is all kinds of wilty and he's got an achy break heart AGAIN! But for real, Billy Ray is just sad because he wasn't there to light the bong for her.
As Tish Cyrus trolls around the door to Kip Winger's bus hoping she'll be able to ride that peen while crossing another name off her cum bucket list, Billy Ray hit the carpet at the CMAs in Nashville tonight wearing a mullet that'll make any middle-aged Piggly Wiggly cashier lock her drawer, take the rest of the day off and invite him over for a little sweet tea under her carport. Business in the front, party in the back where a trash can full of Meister Brau is on ice and Noah Cyrus will carve you a fresh piece of raccoon from the barbecue.
And you can almost smell the matin' odor wafting off of Billy Ray in these pictures. He's ready to git him another wife woman! Sandra Lee better curb her cocktail time or she might go from the First Lady of New York to Billy Ray's main mullet fluffer.
Here's a few more pictures from the CMAs tonight so far. In order: BR, Carrie Underwears, Katherine Hagel with Josh Kelley,
Lindsay Lohan a hot bitch named Lynn Anderson, Julianne Hough, Kellie Pickler, Sandra Lee, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban and Falcor Rimes.