Uncomfortable

Miley Cyrus' self-proclaimed #1 fan was arrested in Georgia, because he actually admitted to being a Miley fan. That is a crime. And he also told the cops that they are meant to be together, because she sends him secret messages on her TV show. John Mark Karr, please clear your top bunk, because I think you've got yourself a new roommate/bff.

TMZ says that 53-year-old Mark McLeod was arrested last month on the set of Miley's movie in Tybee Island, GA after he made raunchy comments to some young girls in the crowd. According to police reports, Mark confessed to spying on Miley for 3 to 4 days. Creepy McCreepster told the cops that he was going to marry Miley no matter what. Dude even invited the cops to their wedding. He also claimed that he sent the future Mrs. McLeod (NOT RIGHT) two $2,000 diamond rings.

Poor Miley has a skeezy older Southern man with fug hair obsessing over her in a totally creepy way. Oh, wait.

Mark was released shortly after his release and now his whereabouts are unknown. The LAPD has been warned about his pedo ass since Miley lives in Los Angeles.

And in case you need more proof that this dude should probably be in a straitjacket, here's a video from March of him telling the NYDN that Miley speaks to him through paparazzi pictures. You know he really has the crazies in a bad way, because he says New Yorkers are really friendly. I'm offended by that statement!

SPOILER ALERT! This is the ending from a 1987 movie called Student Confidential which has been titled "THE WORST ENDING EVER." It co-stars Marlon Jackson, so you know it's good shit. In the clip, the battered dude in the turtleneck gives some short speech about "inordinate amounts of money" before taking Marlon's hands. Then they stare at each other for a really long time. Marlon just smiles while I think the other dude passes a really big kidney stone through his asshole. This is what most of my first dates look like.

And you can wait all you want, but Keyboard Cat is not showing up. There's some things that even he won't be a part of.

VIA FilmDrunk

You can always count on the sad melting bull dog's asshole that is Joe Jackson to bring the crazy. Joe did just that on Larry King last night. Larry asked Joe about the allegations that he beat Michael Jackson. Joe said he made no mistakes as a father and never beat his son. Surprisingly, the clouds didn't go dark and a giant bolt of lightning did not strike Joe down. No. Joe went on to skip through the fields of crazy by blaming the media and said beating started in the slave days. Then, he said something about how a lot of parents spank their kids.

Come on! Joe knows the difference between a pow pow on the nalgas (that's what mothers call it these days, right?) and a whipping with a switch. Abuelita's everywhere just gave a "HUH?" side-eye to that last part.

My abuelita once told me a suspect story about how when she was a little girl, a roach crawled into her cousin's ear while she was sleeping. Her cousin's mom drowned the roach out by pouring oil in her ear. Well, this story is the roach and it has crawled deep into my ear. I'm thisclose to letting the bottle of Wesson in my kitchen cabinet piss in my ear to stop the madness. Grab some veggie oil and read on....

Last month, The National Enquirer broke a story about the alleged affair between 72-year-old Morgan Freeman and his 27-year-old step-granddaughter E'Dena Hines. E'Dena is the granddaughter of Morgan's first wife and he raised her since she was a little girl. Some source type said that his relationship with E'Dena was the reason why his second marriage went belly up.

The Enquirer is now saying that Morgan is planning to marry E'Dena once his divorce from his second wife is finalized. The source said, "Morgan has led her to believe that he wants to marry her. Becoming Mrs. Morgan Freeman has been E'Dena's goal."

You know, I kind of want to say that Morgan has played God, the President and is the official voice of the penguins, so he can do whatever he wants. However, having the same cum bucket list as Woody Allen is not necessarily a good thing.

And I'll believe this 100% when I see Morgan and E'Dena's wedding pictures exclusively on Awkward Family Photos.

And this time a double-sided dildo was not involved!

You know, I'm not usually afraid of heights, but this video and the pictures from today's opening of "The Ledge" on top of the Sears Tower in Chicago practically made my knee caps crack themselves.

The all-glass balconies are suspended 1,353 in the air on the 103rd floor. One ho said, "It's like walking on ice." No, it's like walking to your death. It's only for kids, because they don't realize that it's real life.

I feel sorry for the janitors, because think of all the pee pee, caca, vomit and internal organs they will have to clean up.

During an interview with CNN's Don Lemon on the red carpet of the BET Awards last night, Joe Jackson was nervously shuffling around like Amy Wino going through security at the airport. I know Joe Jackson isn't known for being a fluffy teddy bear filled with hugs and kisses, but dude wasn't even pretending to have the sads about his dead son. When Don said that this must be awful for the entire family, Joe said, "It has. The world lost the biggest star." What he meant by that is...."I just lost my favorite cash cow! MOOO!"

While watching this epic display of uncomfortableness, I wondered why Joe Jackson was even there. And then the answer came to me at the 3:20 mark. Joe actually plugged his new production company and some Blu-Ray Discs he's putting out. This is the most awkward infomercial ever!

I'm surprised Joe didn't go all out by saying, "And Michael Jackson will be buried in NIKE sneakers, because NIKE was his favorite brand. Just do it. Yesh, he loved NIKE. Also, my fondest memories of Michael Jackson is when he would call me on Sunday nights to tell me how delicious HOT POCKETS brand paninis are. Michael used to say how tender and flaky on the outside. HOT POCKETS, Michael Jackson's favorite microwaveable treat. Oh and Michael was also looking forward to seeing ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS which hits theaters this Wednesday, July 1st.........."

Although, I will give Joe a half-clap for matching his eyebrows with his pocket square. I'll give him that.

When I first saw these pictures of Bruno at the Berlin premiere of his movie, I felt a lump in my throat, my skin felt itchy, my nipples retreated into my body and all the moisture in my eyeballs got sucked out. I figured it was time to go to the free clinic again, but then I remember I had the same symptoms after looking at the picture that still makes cameos in my nightmares. THIS:

Fuck you, Bruno! Thanks to him this picture will probably go back to being the STAR of my nightmares instead of just an extra. To make it even worse, Bruno is wearing UGGs inspired by the creepy family of furries. Way to punch me in my soul. I wouldn't be surprised if Bruno is wearing a CROCS-made butt plug. Kill me.

Why did I have to read about Morgan Freeman allegedly Wood-Allen-ing his step-granddaughter?! If I dip my head in a pot of boiling bleach will it burn away that image along with 99% of the skin on my face? I might be willing to try it.

I hope the National Enquirer was just telling jokes when they wrote about 72-year-old Morgan Freeman's 10-year-long affair with his 27-year-old step-granddaughter E'Dena Hines. Please let them issue a statement that they thought April Fool's Day got moved to mid-June for some reason.

A source tells the Enquirer that E'Dena is the granddaughter of Morgan's first wife Jeanette. Morgan and his second wife Myrna raised E'Dena ever since she was a little girl. The affair reportedly started when E'Dena was a teenager. The source went on to say, "Myrna said E'dena told her that when she was a teenager, she and Morgan went to dinner at a friend's house one evening. Both had been drinking, and when they returned home, Morgan attempted to have sex with her. They stopped just short of having intercourse. E'Dena explained to Myrna that she stopped Morgan from going any further."

Myrna told Morgan to step off E'Dena and he promised he would. Without Myrna knowing, Morgan's relationship with E'Dena continued for years.

The source wants all to know that it's technically not incest since they aren't blood relatives,
"but Morgan is trying desperately to keep his divorce out of open court so all the shameful facts won't become public."

I know most of you stopped at "National Enquirer," but they sound serious about this one. Maybe we should all just pretend this is a work of creepy fan fiction and then slowly back away until we get further evidence? Okay, I won't dip my head in bleach just yet, but in the meantime.....

MustthinkofkittensMustthinkofkittensMustthinkofkittensMustthinkofkittens

On May 29th, PS17 in Brooklyn gathered a group of kiddies in the school auditorium to watch Disney's Camp Rock starring Demi Lovato and the Jonas Brothers. Instead of Camp Rock, they got 45 seconds of hardcore porn. No, it wasn't called CAMP COCK: What Purity Ring?.

The New York Post says that kindergartners, first-graders and fifth-graders got an eye-full of a topless chick doing nasty sex acts on the jumbo screen. It played for 45-seconds before one of the teachers pulled the DVD player's plug out of the wall. Other teachers screamed to the kiddies to cover their eyes!

That night, the principal sent a letter to the parents promising them that the evil doer responsible for subjecting their kids to hardcore porn would be caught! The DVD player is usually kept locked in his office, but it was later moved to a different office where anybody could've switched the DVD. The teacher who set up the DVD player in the auditorium didn't realize what was going on, because they walked away to get the disc for Camp Rock.

One parent, who might be a Catholic pilgrim virgin, is so disgusted, because she doesn't even kiss in front of her 6-year-old daughter! The parent said, "She doesn't need to see that! I don't even like to kiss in front of her because I think she's too young. So I'm very angry." I can see her being angry about her kid seeing porn, but doesn't she realize that one of the Jonas Brothers kisses Demi Lovato on the cheek in Camp Rock. Not that I've seen it or anything.....

To be honest, 45-seconds of porn is less disturbing than 90 minutes of the Jonas Brothers. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the director's cut of Camp Rock. Disney is the House of Whores, so maybe they are just being more honest about it nowadays.

Nothing gets your day going quite like incest-talk, right? Put down the hypodermic needle filled with coffee, because you won't be need your injection of caffeine this morning.

When asked by Hot Hits what's the weirdest thing he's ever read about himself, Shia said:

"That I have sex with my mother on a regular basis... it's so freaking outrageous."

Shia has said in the past that he would be with his mother if he could. He also said that he got his sense of humor by seeing her walk around the house with her bare titty balls dragging on the floor.

Methinks Shia just needs to stop talking about his mother altogether. Whenever he starts a sentence with "My mother...", you know it's going to make you pound your head into the table until the thought he just put into your brain comes pouring out of your ears. Just don't, Shia. Only talk about how good your mother's cookies are and that's it. Actually, no. Don't talk about your mother's cookie.

Furthermore, who ever said Shia was doing fuck times with his mama je'e?! And notice how he only said he doesn't do it "regularly." Okay, I need to stop, drop and roll. I hate Shia for this.

Image: Fame Pictures