Cindy Barshop, formerly of The Real Housewives of New York City and currently of The Real Asswipes of Old Douche City, has come up with the perfectly pointless thing for rich ladies who have always wanted to know what it feels like to have the coochie of a fox. For just $220+, Cindy's team at her waxing salon Completely Bare will give you the newborn by waxing your punane until every part of it is touching air and then they'll warm it up with a vagina wig made from real fox fur. It's like a fur coat for your cooter and you it's so luxurious that you won't even care that after a long August day your crotch will smell like a herring taking a bath in a bowl of butt sweat at the bottom of a used bunny cage.
TMZ says that Completely Bare also offers a feathered merkin and the fur one comes in a bunch of colors including pink.
As my abuelita used to say, "Usted haga lo que quieras con tu chocha a y que voy a hacer lo que quiero con mi chocha." (Okay, she never said that, but I wish she would've said that.) It's your vagina, but do you really want a dead fox lying on your naked beaver? Mother Nature just punched the tears out of her eyes. Besides, that hot pink patch of furry fug looks like the scalped head of a troll doll. If you really want to see a troll doll going down on you when you look at your crotch, just get yourself a troll doll vibrator! Damn.
And PETA doesn't have to worry about throwing red paint on all the fox fur merkins out there, because the wearer's pussy will do it for them on a monthly basis.
The only thing about to say about these pictures of The Lesbeaver and Selena Gomez in Los Cabos, Mexico today is: JORTS!!! Okay, I have another thing to say: ARMPIT WIG!!! (There's no way he grew that on his own.) Now I'm going to clear my cache and give my laptop a bleach bath.
The virgin bride and groom who embedded a week's worth of nightmares into everyone's brains by making their first kiss look like two zombies barfing creamed human brains into each other's mouths are back. In this longer trailer for TLC's Virgin Diaries, the virgin bride and groom take a stroll while talking in detail about how their official cherry plucking ceremony is going to go down. If only they spent as much time in practicing their kissing skills as they did in planning their inaugural sexy times together.
They plan to take separate showers and she'll get into her lingerie while he gets into a robe. Then they'll do the foreplay before making the sex. It sounds about as erotic as your grandmama reciting the instructions on a Pop Tart box. But they did leave out a few details. They forgot to tell the cameras that they're going to turn off all the lights, cut a glory hole in a bed sheet, blast the TV so nobody hears them and ask their experienced friend to stand by on call just in case they forget which hole it goes into. You know, personally, I think the whole "cleansing their parts in the shower" thing beforehand is a really bad idea. What if they use up all the hot water? Then homegirl will have to cry out her sexual frustrations at the bottom of a cold shower after he busts a load before even sticking the tip in.
The face says: That looks exactly like the little boy child from Jerry Maguire and if you Nair-ed away the sad Spencer Pratt beard from his face he'd still look exactly like the little boy child from Jerry Maguire.
The body says: That kid from Jerry Maguire must weight lift a lot of 8-pound human heads, because I doubt his torso just naturally looks like his stomach farted out six muscle bubbles.
The pictures say: This is exactly what the Heimlich Maneuver according to L. Ron Hubbard poster that hangs in the Scientology's men's lounge looks like.
So, yeah, this is now 21-year-old Jonathan Lipnicki showing off his soft core gay porn wrestling skills in a bunch of pictures that look like stills from Corbin Fisher. Whatever you do, do not show them to Tommy Girl. I don't even want to know what he'll do... I don't want to know.
Listening to your own mom go into detail about her yeast infection situation is slightly less uncomfortable than exposing your sense of hearing to the overly forced soft-core Spice Channel ludicrousness that slithers off of 17-year-old Courtney Stodden's lizard tongue when talking about how she lost her virginity on her wedding night at the #1 honeymoon destination in the country: Chateau Marmont in fucking Hollywood.
The plastic velociraptor who was brought to life using Rhonda Shear's DNA tells Radar that as soon as her 51-year-old husband Doug Hutchison plucked her precious blossom (may the FBI break down my front door and put me out of my misery for that one), her body went on a 24-hour-long orgasm coaster. It's a damn shame that The Red Shoe Diaries isn't around anymore, because this ho would've been their head writer.
“We went to the Chateau in Hollywood it was so beautiful it was a wonderful experience. I was aroused for 24 hours straight."
Courtney was a 16-year-old virgin in the vagina at the time and Doug has a face like a 3-day old bacon cheddar ball warmed up in an Easy Bake Oven, so she's probably confusing "nauseous" with "aroused." Speaking of the heaves, Courtney said that if she ever went to college she'd study her husband's body:
"I would go to college and study all of Doug. All of his body, and all the elements within that. What they do and what they still do. It would be a lot of fun."
I don't even really know what that means and I don't think this bitch does either. Courtney then said that Doug is like Hazel to her Missy.
“He’s cooking for me, cleaning for me, he’s like the wife around the house. He picks up the slack around the house and that’s very inspiring to me."
"That's very inspiring"?! It's like everything that comes out of Courtney's mouth was Mandarin translated into English translated into Cantonese translated back into English on Google Translator. Courtney's entire vocabulary consists of all the words found in Viagra spam.
And just because Doug's face looks like a rode hard vagina molded out of Play-Doh doesn't mean he's been near an actual vagina.
If you need to see the video of this mess of an interview, click here and proceed with caution. That shit should be shown in every child beauty pageant dressing room with a note underneath it that reads: WARNING - This is your future.
And no, I can't look away either.
The word MESS cannot even begin to describe the awkwardness Kim Delaney from Army Wives filled the stage with at the National Constitution Center in DC last night. Kim, who has had problems with the bottle before, was supposed to give a speech during the Liberty Medal Award presentation to Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates, but she ended up earning a bus ticket to the nearest dryin' out center instead.
Last night was not the time for Kim to show off the skills she learned at Spaz de la Huerta's Drunken Speech Academy. Kim uncomfortably slurred on like a first grader on downers who really has to pee during their book report speech before a crew member issued a SIT DOWN BITCH on her in the politest way possible.
Kim is probably still resting her head inside of a comfortable toilet bowl this morning, so she hasn't said a thing about this mess. But if I was her, I'd blame it all on the teleprompter. When all else fails, use the "I wasn't drunk, the teleprompter was drunk" excuse.
In case you missed it, below is the clip of Charlie Sheen at the Emmys last night awkwardly wishing his former co-workers at a Two and a Half Men nothing but good things for their upcoming season. Now, I'm going to tell Charlie Sheen the same thing I told a way-too-hot piece who talked to me at a bar once: You a suspicious bitch! Is this one of those What Would You Do? situations? Where's John Quinones? See what I mean:
No punchline. No joke. Just Charlie saying nice words while using his tongue to search his upper gum area for stuck coke bits. Now I know how the cops feel when they're interviewing Charlie in a hotel hallway knowing very well that he's hiding a decapitated hooker, a pregnant goat and a portable crack smoke sauna in his room. After Charlie uncomfortably did step 9 of The Twelve Steps in front of millions of people, he posed for a picture backstage with his replacement Hobo Yanni.
And where was Demi Moore last night? Demi actually stayed away from a field of cameras?! Talk about suspicious bitches. Either bitch is off getting her pulled head transplanted onto an 18-year-old's body AGAIN or unlike beard bichitos, Demi can't fake wanting to be near Ashton.
(Image via Twatter House of the Warlock Tiger)
If one of your wishes in life is to see a freshly waxed chimpanzee with a lisp have a roid-induced stroke while getting anally electrocuted with a taser wand as he tries to jack off with two paws, then it is your lucky day, because this video is the closest you will ever get to fulfilling that wish.
At the end of an episode of Vh1's reality game show Ton of Cash, The Greek Mystique (who is obviously still pissed that he didn't get cast in the role of The Situation on Jersey Shore) was eliminated and he handled that shit with grace and dignity by reciting a line from Rocky Balboa before flipping into a full-blown gorilla rage meltdown. Dude's neck veins tried to bust out on their own and the sound that came out of his mouth is the same sound you'd hear from a pimple being popped if it had vocal cords. Vh1 is a helluva drug.
Jim Carrey's open video love letter to 22-year-old Emma Stone that launched a thousand restraining orders was meant as a joke, so says his publicist. A joke that he was completely serious about. When that mess came out, some said Jim was just doing comedy and others said that it was creepier than my fan fiction Skype sex with the Anderson Cooper cardboard cutout I set up in front of my other computer in the bedroom. Jim says it's both serious and a joke! Jim's rep said it's a "comical love letter" and he explained it like this on Twitter:
Yes, my msg to Emma Stone was a comedy routine and the funniest part is that everything i said is tru. www.jimcarreytrulife.com
People often ask me if i'm being funny or serious. The answer is "YES". ?;^]
"It's a comical love letter" is exactly what the #1 suspect in a girl's disappearance would say after the FBI find a video like this on her hard drive. No. Again it's just jokes. But before Jim is arrested for trespassing after he's caught licking up "Emma Stone's footsteps" from the welcome mat outside of her house, he needs to do something about it. By that I mean Jim needs to move to Ireland, glue a merkin to his chest, stock up on ass numbing cream and buy an Emma Stone mask for Sinead O'Connor to wear. Both of those horny hos need to get fucked so they might as well get fucked together.
Skeletor's arch rival and the true power holder of Greyskull, Brooke Hogan, let out a Twatter cry yesterday over SUCIO whores (like this SUCIO whore right here) saying that her relationship with her daddy is as gross as watching Marcus Bachmann try to keep his puckering no-no in control while nibbling on a long stick of hot meat.
Brooke was talking about hos heaving with their eyes over those pictures of her kissing on Hulk Hogan's salmon jerky face at the unveiling of her nekkid portrait for Peta. Brooke's "LEAVE ME ALOOONE" roar went like this:
Im SO sick of people saying me and my dad are in some perverted relationship! Go home and do your own thing! Stop picking on me!
You dumb bitch, I am home.
"Go home and do your own thing" is probably the same shit she says to Hulk when he comes over and tries to do her thing. NO! I'm joking. That's just me needing to go home (?). Brooke is right. There's nothing gross about bringing your daddy to a gallery to stare at a picture of your CGI-ed nekkid body in a dog cage. It's not like Hulk hasn't seen Brooke's naked body in a dog cage before. Did you think she was wearing a sweater when he adopted her from Petco those many years ago?
There's nothing gross about Brooke and Hulk's relationship. However, being a Hogan is all kinds of gross.