Uncomfortable

Shia LaOedipus already made us all turns our heads, cross our arms and give him a side-eye for saying that if he could be with his super sexy mother, he would. Well, Shia is back for more! During an interview with Parade Magazine, they asked him where he got his sense of humor from. They probably regretted asking the question.

"My humor came from seeing my parents have sex, smoke weed, my mom being naked -- just weird hippie stuff, twisted R-rated humor."

You know, fuck Shia for giving me the image of him smoking the good shit while laughing at his parents wet humping like two seals. Since they are hippies, they are probably into doing that tantric shit on Persian rugs. The room probably smelled like patchouli, burnt weed and hot mayo. Not hilarious. Not humorous.

Shia, save this kind of shit for your deep conversations with Professor Whore Face.

Damn. When Shia and Megan have a private conversation, every light bulb in the room burns out.

Mary Kay Letourneau is the crazy-faced former teacher who was convicted of raping her 13-year-old student over 10 years ago. Mary Kay went to prison for 7 years, got out and married Vili Fualaau ("the student"). Mary Kay and Vili have two kids together. I know you've been feverishly wondering what these two have been up to lately. Well, they are now hosting parties in Seattle! And not just any party, but a "Hot For Teacher" party. Chris Hansen, please pour this party a glass of lemonade and tell it to have a seat.

This Saturday will be the third time Fuel in Seattle hosts the party. Vili plays DJ for the night while Mary Kay goes around signing autographs. The owner thinks it's just the cleverest thing he's ever farted out. The owner told KOMO TV, "It was sort of a joke but sort of real, and it was just something that we thought was a good name for it, and of course we got Mary's permission to do it. She's really trying to kick-start his career. She meets people, she greets people, she dances to music, she hosts the party. And she's an absolute sweetheart. And everyone who meets her realizes that and is kind of flabbergasted by how nice she is."

That's probably because the bitch drops GHB in your milk, rubs your back and tells you what a big strong little man you are. Of course, everyone's going to like her if she does that! That creepy bitch has permanent child-touching eyes, so there's no way I'd want to be around her while I'm trying to get my drunk on! Nothing kills a party faster than a convicted child molester.

In other news, Fuel will also be hosting NAMBLA's annual meet and greet next month.

Ann Curry Powder is always interviewing Brad Pitt on Today. Probably because he loves it when she gets all gushy around him....to a point. Seriously, bitch acts like me around a Sno-Ball. Whenever Ann is getting ready to talk to Brad, she probably doesn't drink water for 24-hours beforehand and wears 4 pairs of Depends, because she knows he makes her squirt like an overexcited chihuahua.

During this morning's interview from Cannes, where Brad is promoting Inglorious Basterds, Ann started to talk about his personal life, but he quickly changed the subject. This prompted Ann to caress his cheek and giggle like Tommy Girl getting his Scientolohole tickled. You know Ann immediately her had hand freeze-dried!

At the end of the interview, Ann continues to cream herself when saying how millions of women are jealous of her because she gets to be so close to BRAD PITT!!!! (can I have an eye-roll with that?). When asked how he feels about that, Brad responds, "Really. Thank you. Really. Let's move on." Don't worry, Brangaloonies. He wasn't telling you to move on. He was telling Ann to move on. Specifically, he wanted her to move off that balcony and jump into the sea to cool her heated loins. Give her a q-tip!

All the face-touching weirdness is at the 5:15 mark in the video below. The rest of the interview is boooooooooring, so don't bothah! Below that are some pictures of Brad eating a plastic cup. And what in the hell is he wearing? Cary Grant, he is not.

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Hayden Pantytroll is 19, but she still looks like she should be goo-goo ga-ga-ing in a stroller with a bottle in one hand and a blanky in the other. The last thing she should be doing is talking about grown-up stuff like sex. But that's what she did the other night at a party.

Page Six says that Hayden was talking to a friend about David Duchovny's constant thirst for 'gina and she said, "Well, if I had to be addicted to something, it would be sex!"

It makes my taco pop!

Why did I suddenly get the image of a teacup Pit Bull playing with a dildo? That's not right. Ugh. If bitch needs to be addicted to something, it should be keeping her damn troll hole shut. Shoo shoo away and let the adults do the talking.

Image: Bauer Griffin

There's a few things you should no before you truthfully answer that question. This dude probably lives in a room in his grandparents house. He most likely works part-time in the storage room at a Blockbuster near his house. He eats his own semen, so he can keep his jizz count up and doesn't lose any unborn babies. He loves to spank his nalgas while he's spanking his little Jedi warrior (that's totally what he calls it) . He likes to wear diapers and isn't ashamed to admit it. He wears briefs. He "poos" in his pants sometimes. And don't even ask me what he does with all those action figures in the background. The places they've been....

So if you haven't passed out, checked yourself into the nearest hospital or barfed up all your insides yet, what's it going to be? As for me, I'd hit it. WELL, he'd clean up afterwards!

VIA Buzzfeed

If I was kissing my dad on the check and opened up my eyes to see a carbon copy of me looking back at me, I'd immediately run my ass to the bathroom and recreate the scene from The Legend of Billie Jean where she chops all her hair off in the mirror all emotional-like. Then I'd dip my head in a bowl of black RIT dye and take the next catamaran to a faraway land where no Hogans exist. I'm for serious. Look at Brooke Hogan and her daddy's girlfriend! Yes, one has 50% more non-biodegradable materials in her tittay area, but they could still be twinsies. It's not right and it's not okay.

And you know Hulk isn't the only thing looking up and thanking the lord for this magical moment. Yesh, his one-eyed wang said a "thank you prayer" before it barfed into Hulk's panties. WHY?! Keep this shit under lock and key.

Here's the "always good for the creeps" Hogans at Brooke's 10th annual 21st birthday party at Pure in Las Vegas last night.

When someone asks you a question, you don't always have to tell the whole truth. A simple "Mind your own fucking business" or "Rojo Caliente" (that works for everything) would suffice. Shia obviously hasn't mastered that art, because when Playboy asked him about who he thinks the sexiest woman is, he pulled out this little nugget from his back pocket:

"Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. She's an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds."

While I completely agree with Shia that his mother is indeed the sexiest panty-creaming bitch in the Greater Los Angeles area, I think he should've saved this sucioness for his therapist....or his dealer...or his nightmares. Because now I can't look at pictures of them without thinking Shia wants to get on that. Thank you for that, Shia.

VIA Star Magazine

Desmond, Desmond, Desmond! Sit on your damn hands, man! Tickle the hole to ease a little bit of that sexual frustration, damn! I say this, because Desmond from Lost (real person name: Henry Ian Cusick) has been accused of illegally man-handling a former crew member on the show. Chelsea Stone filed a lawsuit against Desmond claiming he sexually harassed (AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO TAKE IT!) her on the Lost set in October 2007.

In the lawsuit, Chelsea says Desmond touched her nalgas and caressed her back while making moaning sounds (maybe he had bad Mexican for lunch?). After he finished giving her ass cheeks a little rub down, he straight-up motorboated her. Chelsea says Desmond put his face in between her breasts and "wagged his head back and forth." Um, Desmond, that kind of motorboat isn't going to get you off that island.

Chelsea says Desmond continued to fondle her breasticles and then he kissed her on the mouth.

When Chelsea complained to production, they did dick about the incident. She said that during the next few days, the other employees acted "hostile" towards her. A few days after that, Chelsea was dumped by the show and told to get her shit out of there. She got fired!

Chelsea is asking for an unspecified amount of cash from Desmond, ABC and the production company. She says she got physically sick after suffering "humiliation and severe mental and emotional distress."

Is it wrong that I was a little turned on by the image of Desmond motorboating? Yes, it is. I'm mad that the next time I watch Lost, I won't be able to fight the urge to push my chest bumps together and rub 'em against the screen. That's not right.

Source: E! Online

Is it creepy to drag your 28-year-old daughter to your plastic surgeon's office, point at her face and tell him, "Give me this"? 50-year-old Jane cunt-cunt-cunt-Cunliffe from the UK doesn't think so. Jane brags to the Daily Mail that she's spent around $15,000 to look exactly like her daughter Janet (the trick on the right). It's nice to know that Britain has their very own Brooke and Linda Hogan.

It all started when Jane moved in with Janet after breaking up with her boyfriend. Jane started going out with Janet and her friends, but felt like an old, fat, ratty, busted up hag compared to them. She decided to do something about it, so she lost a bunch of weight and called up a plastic surgeon in Croatia she read about. Jane said, "I envied Jane's crinkle-free eyes, full lips and luscious, long blonde hair,' says Janet. 'I was desperate to look more like my daughter, but knew no wrinkle creams could ever wind back the clock that far."

Jane, who already had plastic titty sacks put in a few years ago, flew out to Croatia to have her eyes and nose done. When she got back to Britain, she completed the makeover by getting her lips pumped and polyester blonde hair put in. The transformation is now complete!

Nowadays, Jane can't wait to go out and slut it up with her own daughter. Jane says they get mistaken for sisters all the time which makes her nipples queef out of excitement. Janet, the daughter, added, "Actually, I love us looking the same, we're closer than ever and she's the sister I always wanted and never had."

This actually wasn't that creepy to me until my gutter brain pictured Jane and Janet comparing vaginas in the mirror to see which one looked more toddler-like.

Try to read this quote from Miley Cyrus without thinking of a million "Oh, God" jokes. Please do this, because the FBI has chips in our brains and there might be trouble. Although, I already lost. Here's what 16-year-old Miley said about how her 20-year-old boyfriend brought her closer to God:

"I've never been closer to the Lord since I met him. He's really made me read my Bible. He's made me actually read the stories in the Bible -- not the quick little verses -- that not only help me, but show you how to help other people."

You know, I've never actually read the stories in the Bible either, so maybe Gaston can help me too. Actually, he should teach Bible study class! He can read the stories to us, take off his top, discuss the meaning of life, give us lapdances, sing us hymns, water himself down and join us in prayer! This is what he was meant to do!

VIA UsWeekly