Uncomfortable

At last night's NYC premiere of The Romantics, Stepford Katie constantly kept putting her trained hand right below Tommy Girl's decolletage (aka the official Scientology jizz landing pad) in almost every picture. It's like she was giving him a breast exam right there in front of everyone. Or maybe that's how Tommy uploads sound bytes into her hard drive for her to spit out at the media in between her frozen smiles. It must be something like that, because I'm pretty sure Tommy doesn't like anyone to side-hug him unless there's a peen poking at his waist.

Speaking of Stepford-worthy sound bytes, Katie gave a few to various outlets about Suri and her beloved master. Bitch sounds like she gets her quotes from a Disney Princess See 'N Say or Dream Phone.

On how romantic Tommy is: "My husband has red roses for me everywhere I go and whenever we travel."

On being a mom: "Being a mother is so dreamy."

On Suri's internal light: "She is such a light that you instantly feel better. When I'm working, I feel like 'Wow, this is so magical I get to share this with you, and you give me so much.' It's really fun"

What the hell is wrong with her?! Katie is in the wrong business. She should be writing songs for Barry Manilow, or English tag lines for products in China.

Here's more of Katie trying to squeeze leche out of Tommy's nipples last night while Adam Brody, Josh Duhamel, Elijah Wood and Malin Akerman watched.

When Simon Monjack and Sharon Murphy started doing the media rounds shortly after Brittany Murphy's death, wannabe Detective La Toyas pulled out their magnifying glasses to find the something in the milk that ain't clean. Well, here's a small piece of info they can add to their files (labeled: Because we have to know EVERYTHING). According to TMZ, the coroner's report on Simon Monjack's death states that he slept in the same bed as Sharon Murphy.

When investigators were searching the master bedroom, Sharon pointed to one side of Simon's bed and told them that was her "side of the bed." Investigators also found several prescription bottles with the names Sharon Murphy and Sharon Monjack on them. Sharon told investigators those pills belonged to her. TMZ adds that the report "doesn't suggest sexual contact between the two."

People grieve all sorts of ways. Sharon and Simon were the two people closest Brittany, so maybe they found comfort in sleeping next to each other every night? Is it weird? I'm the wrong bitch to ask since I used my baby blanket as a dream time cuddle pillow until I was.....in high school (Yeah, let's just go with "high school" and keep moving...).

But the weirdest part of all of this is that Sharon (who is giving me Beverly D'Angelo fever) and Simon chose that picture of Brittany looking like a sad homeless clown who really needs to pee. Wasn't there a picture from Ty's big makeover scene in Clueless they could've used instead?

Every time somebody whispers that JLo and Skeletor are now members of Tommy Girl's Church of Anti-Glibness, she gets her assistants to use both of their hands to pull her ass cheeks apart so that she can fart on that rumor. But I'm not sure if I'm buying JLo's denials anymore, because what are those thought-stealing nodes she wore on her body to the Hope Gala in NYC last night? SCIENTOLOGY PROBES (those two words together makes Tommy Girl drip from all his orifices every time) that's what those are!

But seriously, you might be wondering why (probably not) JLo isn't screaming in pain from those rings digging into her flesh. Eh. JLo stopped feeling pain along time ago. It's obvious since she's the only one who isn't trying to dig out her ear drums with her bare fingers whenever her songs come on. JLo feels no pain.

Here's more of JLo with Skeletor at last night's charity thing along with Selita Ebanks, Matthew McConaughey with Ms. Hair Iz Important, Jill Zarin with Grandma Wrinkles' oil applier, Kathy Griffin and Giant Snooki.

Believe it or not, this is not a picture of Tommy Girl trolling The Ramble for a piece to feed to his Scientolohole. This is Tommy on the set of a commercial for ESPN showing us that when he waxes the dead Thetans off his body his chest follicles come off too. And to answer my own question, XENU NO! If you hit that, you would wake up in a Scientology sauna barfing the glib out of your system. That might sound sexy on paper, but you know it's not.

Here's more pictures of Tommy and Cameron Diaz on the set yesterday. In case you need a palate cleanser, I threw in some pictures of Simon Baker summoning the panty pudding in Monte Carlo. Oh, how I just want to slide around one of his golden locks.

You must have to be under the influence of some mind-altering substance (example: barley water) to enjoy this mess, because I clenched my ass cheeks the whole time. My b-hole turned blue and passed out (again). This is a clip of Stepford Katie posing, sashaying and trying to sing "Whatever Lola Wants" from Damn Yankees while Tommy Girl tries his hardest to act like he's finding this mess sexy. This is almost as embarrassing as the time I burped and cracked while trying to sing "On My Own" during choir class in high school. If I was Suri, I'd send both of these twats directly up to their oxygen chambers without dinner.

You can tell Tommy Girl desperately wants to rip off his clothes (revealing a seafoam green sequined thong) and pirouette across the stage! Tommy wants to shake that pussy for Xenu, but he can't. And that's the saddest part, because Tommy would've done a sexier job too. I mean, Stepford Katie sings like a tongue-less deaf cat and she has the charisma of a suppository.

Dear Katie, I know what Lola wants and it isn't this fuckery.

via Just Jared

Oh, Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart always hang out with their baby while not wearing tops. You know, Eric, Rebecca and Kari Ann Peniche lounge around with only their nipples on while baby is trying to climb the tripod to turn the camera OFF. So it's no surprise that they are all half-nekkid on the cover of UsWeekly. This was obviously a project with AFP.com.

The most offensive thing about this cover is McSteamy's black heart tattoo which looks like it belongs on a 13-year-old Goth girl's Emily the Strange folder. The other offensive thing is the choice of words. McSteamy does diapers? That mess sounds like the title of a NOT RIGHT scat porn. Even I'll pass.

In the issue, McSteamy and the Noxzema Girl talk all about how their baby daughter changed their lives. Noxzema Girl said, "We felt so blessed. The moment we've been waiting for finally came." McSteamy added, "It changes how you look at things and how you feel about things. I like to think of myself as an artist -- but now I'm working for my kid. Now I'm a father. I've got a lunch pail, I go to work and I come home and I make sure my kid is taken care of, and I make sure my wife is take care of. Childbirth is a miracle, and we've created this life."

Back to the cover, is it just me or is Baby Billie trying to push daddy away while thinking to herself, "DO NOT WANT." Yeah, probably. And what the hell is Noxzema Girl doing back there? WHERE IS HER OTHER HAND?!

I'm all for finding a person in the world who loves nothing more than to cuddle up on your genitals, but YOUR OWN ABUELITA?!

This story is as uncomfortable as a sex nightmare about one of your relatives. Meet 72-year-old Pearl of Indiana and her 26-year-old biological grandson Phil. They are in love and they are having a child together via a surrogate. From New Zealand's New Idea:

Pearl Carter is positively glowing with joy. She has a handsome new boyfriend, is enjoying an active sex life after many years of celibacy and, amazingly, is preparing to become a mother again.

But the retired grandmother isn't carrying the baby herself. She and her young lover have spent a staggering $54,000 hiring a surrogate to help them with their dreams of having a child.

What makes Pearl's decision to become a mum again even more shocking is that her new boyfriend is her biological grandson, 26-year-old Phil Bailey.

Phil is the son of Pearl's daughter Lynette Bailey, and the pair is braving public horror and even prison by breaking one of the last taboos – incest.

However, the pair makes no apologies for their controversial plan to start their own family.

'I'm not interested in anyone else's opinion,' Pearl says. 'I am in love with Phil and he's in love with me. Soon I'll be holding my son or daughter in my arms and Phil will be the proud dad'.

Phil adds, 'I love Pearl with all my heart. I've always been attracted to older women and I think Pearl is gorgeous. Now I'm going to be a dad and I can't wait.

Phil and Pearl didn't meet until he was 18-years-old. Pearl gave Phil's mother up for adoption shortly after she had her. Phil didn't try to find Pearl until his mother died of brain cancer. Phil sent Pearl a letter which led to them meeting face to face. Pearl describes how her dry desert of a vagina filled with lady jizz when she first laid eyes on Phil:

From the first moment that I saw him, I knew we would never have a grandmother-grandson relationship,' Pearl remembers happily. 'For the first time in years I felt sexually alive.'

Phil admits that he had the same feelings towards Pearl.

'I wanted to kiss her there and then,' he says. 'My feelings were overwhelming.'

The pair spent the first week shopping, bowling and eating out. During the second week, giggly on wine after a night out, Pearl decided she wasn't going to deny her feelings anymore

Confused, Pearl talked to a friend, who told her about an article she'd read on Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA), which occurs when close relatives meet as adults and are attracted to each other.

'I could now understand my feelings and realize they weren't wrong,' Pearl says.

Pearl and Phil have been together since 2006. A year ago they decided to use Pearl's retirement money to hire a surrogate to carry their child. Pearl says, "I am finally going to be a mum and not forced to give up my child. Phil's going to be a great dad. I never in a million years thought at 72 I'd be "pregnant" and in love with my grandson. I make no apologies and I believe God's given me a second chance."

I'm trying not to judge, but grandmas are supposed to hit you in the mouth with their chankla! They aren't supposed to hit you in the mouth with their chocha! Grandmas are supposed to serve you a warm apple fritter on a cold day. They aren't supposed to serve you a piece of their lukewarm crotch fritter! Grandmas should have a name like Pearl. They shouldn't lick their dentures in ecstasy when you give them a pearl necklace. You should get your grandmother a cotton robe on Mother's Day. You shouldn't get your grandmother crotchless panties for Mother's Day!

If this story was a paint color, it's name would be: EVERY SHADE OF WRONG.

With that being said, I awkwardly congratulate these two. I also thank them for giving me a reason to fire up the bong early. Thank you.

(Thanks to Chessa too)

That's the ridiculous shit Lindsay Lohan Tweeted to a person yesterday who said her photo shoot with Tyler Shields looks like soft-core porn. Yes, Lindsay called this shit "art." If there was a Museum of Crackies, then this would be considered art. It'd be called "The State Of Lindsay Lohan's Career."

And who in masturbating on a chalk outline Hell thinks this is soft-core porn? Seriously, that bitch must be watching soft-core porn on TruTv, because there's nothing sessy about this mess. Just wrap all these pictures up with crime scene tape and send them to the morgue.

Below is the video from Lindsay's shoot. If you regularly jack off to police blotters, then you'll love this.

Nike wants you to forget all about the Tiger Woods who throws used tampons in parking lots so they have released this bizarre as shit commercial featuring him getting a talking to from his dead father.

You know, this shit is really weird if you watch it without the sound on. It's like you're in a staring contest with Tiger and he keeps losing, which makes him all sad-like.

By the way, don't imagine Tiger getting beej while standing there, because my gutter ass did and now I can't erase that picture!

via Deadspin

Tatum and Ryan O'Neal's love/hate relationship was set back to "love" last night in Los Angeles at The Runaways premiere. The love between the father and daughter was so strong that they even Angelina-ed each other right there on the red carpet.

Tatum told Access Hollywood (via OK! Magazine) that re-connecting with her father felt weird at first, but now “it feels beautiful, you know.” No, I don't know, Tatum. I'm not looking at this with bulging James Haven eyes, so it doesn't look beautiful to me at this time.

But only I say this because my brain opened up the file labeled "The Gospel According to Papa Joe" and flipped to the page where Ryan talks about how he hit on a Swedish woman at Farrah Fawcett's funeral who turned out to be his own daughter. That story paired with this picture is making me want to run away. Grab your hobo bindle and let's give these two some fucking space!