Uncomfortable

The marketing person at Burger King who thought to bring Spongebob Squarepants and Sir-Mix-A-Lot together probably had a hit of of the wrong kind of acid before that idea popped up in their head. This commercial was born from that trip! I mean, I thought I was the only one who got a bad case of square ass. It happens when you have to much butt sex, but children don't need to know that! Damn! Now children are going to be running around the streets measuring each other's foam brick asses! Burger King is not right for this.

As expected, Howard K (is for Kreepy) Stern put his slimy claws into handcuffs and was arrested for "conspiring to furnish drugs" to Anna Nicole Smith. And here's his glamour shot!

Last night I said that Howard K's pictures always make me feel like I've just been molested, but this shit goes beyond that. That picture handed me a little dolly, took me to the corner and made me drink a funny-tasting milkshake while stroking my hair. That is a face only a back alley pharmacist could love.

When Zac Efron flips his hair, a new shade of Cover Girl concealer is born.

A little while ago, purdy Zac and Vanessa Hudgens were caught in the sexy times section of a Spencer's. When his mommy saw the pictures, she asked him what he was doing in a sex shop. Zac tried to tell his mom it wasn't a sex shop, but she wasn't buy it. Zac went on to tell Elle (via UsWeekly), "She's like, 'I knew you were being sexual!' But she understood. My stocking was full of condoms this Christmas. She buys me the economy box."

Um. You don't need condoms to play "Guess the rouge color?" with your girlfriend. If Mommy Efron really wants to make her son's lipstick pucker, she'd stuff a double-sided dildo into his stocking this Christmas. And yes, I meant it exactly the way I wrote it.

Speaking of condoms, I hope Zac was wearing one around his no-no when he talked to his ultimate boy crush Leonardo DiCaprio. The two sat next to each other at a Lakers game last year and Zac's seat must have been covered in tapioca at the end of the night. Zac said, "We talked the whole game, and he was just everything I thought he would be: smart, levelheaded, charming, hilarious. You know, the older-brother vibe. That sounds so cheesy."

That right there sounds like the opening scene of almost every gay porno. How many times do you think Zac has shouted "You're the king of my world" while Vanessa tossed his salad?

Don't these people look so happy? They are smiling and cheery-like. Well, you know they are straight-up weeping inside, or at least their genitals are. That's because they are part of the Passion for Chris Movement ,which I guess, involves wearing a t-shirt denouncing your love for conquering your clit or buttering your corn.

If the Ex-Masturbator t-shirt isn't for you, they have many others to choose from like Ex-Fornicator (NEVER!), Ex-Homosexual (ILLEGAL!), Ex-Diva (A Diva is another for a hustler) and Ex-Slave (?). Ex-Slave? Damn! Is there an Ex-Dom t-shirt to go with that? Those Christians are freakier than I thought. Beating each other in between bible study and shit. See a therapist after you finish lying to yourself.

In Michael K talk "Ex-Masturbator" and "Ex-Fornicator" translate into: "Current Fucking Liar!" Who can just stop masturbating? Once you start, there's no going back. That's where your hands always belong if they're not on another dick of snatch! Jacking it is one of the first lifelong skills you learn. It's the only skill you need really. You can do it anywhere, anytime. In fact, most of us are probably doing it right now. You can even do it with a friend. It brings people together and God loves that. Wait. Maybe that's what they mean? Maybe they mean they are masturbating their exes? That would make sense.

I went to order a few of these, but for some reason they didn't have the option to order without the "EX" part. I was looking for one that said "Homosexual," "Fornicator" or "Masturbator."

And I really love crazy Christians, because without them, we wouldn't have fucked up shit like that.

VIA Gawker

First of all, no, that's not Rumer Willis with some 5 o'clock tater fuzz. I thought the same thing at first. It's Alan Cumming and he's here to discuss our new president's peen size. I had this same conversation with a friend last week over cocktails and empanadas. He asked me what I thought Obama was twirling with. I gave a side-eye, took a sip of my Sea Breeze and then asked myself if this was inappropriate or not. I shrugged it off and said to myself, "He has a peen too!" and delivered my prediction to my friend. Alan Cumming also discussed what his peendar reported with New York Magazine at some book party last night in NYC.

Alan said, “I’d like to see Obama naked. I think great leaders, charismatic leaders and men who are so confident and who have achieved so much, usually have big penises. I think there’s a correlation between the level of confidence, the level of the way a man can hold a room and the way he conducts himself in life, with his penis size — with his comfort with his penis size.”

Dr. Peen-It-All went on to say, "So much of male psyche is taken up with how big your cock is; it’s a huge deal in our lives, and so when you’re confident about your penis size, it shows. “Well, just look at him (Obama). Just the way he’s so kind of elegant and very confident in his body and himself. Also, someone told me that they worked out with him in a gym in Chicago, and it was big.”

Now I know what that old queen thinks about when he lays awake at night. Damn. I'm surprised Alan didn't bust out pie charts, sketches and a damn model he made himself out of melted down dildos. But he did use the word "elegant" and I give him half a gold star for that one.

Warning. Watch one of these two videos might get you on the National Sex Offenders list. You've been warned. But seriously, this is every shade of WTF. Scandalist posted two clips from a 1995 documentary about The Chippendiddys. Yeah, some motherfucker (Mr. Horton from Diff'rent Strokes) thought it would be really adorable to put together a group of British schoolboys and teach them Chippendales routines to perform for an audience of screaming mothers and daughters.

The song "Mr. Vain" will never be the same to me. And the WTF train went off the damn cliff during the clip below.

Chris Hansen, take the wheel and drive this shit into the bitch who came up with this fuckery!

Over the Christmas break, I spent ten gazillion hours watching the Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime from my mom's couch. It made me wish I could have these memaws in my life every single day and now it's possible with the Golden Girls dolls! Except, they're sold out. Fuck! My! Dreams!

My friend Guy sent me over this site which features all sorts of dolls of beloved characters from TV and cinema. Usually, dolls make me scream for my mommy, but these Golden Dolls don't. Although, the Bea Arthur doll sort of makes me uncomfortable since it looks like she's coming to tear my head off and stuff it into her mouth. Okay...maybe I do need my mommy.

Click here to see the rest of the dolls including the extremely horrifying Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? dolls. Satan does exist! And the Nicole Kidman Moulin Rouge doll looks more life-like than the real thing.

P.S. - The doll artist also does commissions! A Rojo Caliente doll can finally be mine! They already have a Chicken Cutlets doll!

Okay, if you want to breastfeed your kid until he graduates high school, fine. It's your titty milk, it's your kid, have at it! But don't think that bitches want to hear about that shit. Especially, when your son can talk about it.

Pregnant Kelly Rutherford, aka forever Megan Lewis to me, told UsWeekly (via P6) that she still squirts leche for her talking 2-year-old son Hermes and she loves it. She said, "It's an amazing bond with your child. I was thinner after my pregnancy than before, and I think a lot of it was the nursing."

When you can make small-talk with your son while he's sucking on your nip, maybe it's time to invest in a bottle or two. Actually, I shouldn't judge. At least Hermes can tell Kelly if her breast milk is too warm or rancid tasting. That way she can go stick her titty in the fridge for a few minutes.

And that's exactly what Suri Cruise thinks of this shit! Forbes.com came out with their second annual "Hollywood's 10 Hottest Tots" list and Suri came out on top. I think Pedo Bear co-sponsored this shit. I mean, "hottest"? Maybe they are referring to the fact that Suri's never wearing a jacket, so she must be hot literally. Unfortunately, that's not what they mean.

Forbes came up with their list by looking at each celebrity kid and how much media attention they get. Suri beat out all the Jolie-Pitt messiahs, because she was in more magazines and blogs than them. Only 3 out of the ten thousand Brangelina deities made the list: Shiloh, Pax and Zahara. Forbes will probably be shut down by the "powers above" next week for not including Brangelina's golden twins on that list.

Here's the Top 10:

1. Suri Cruise (daughter of Katie Holmes and Chris Klein Tommy Girl)
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (you know who her parents are)
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt (see above)
4. Pax Jolie-Pitt (see above)
5. Sam Alexis-Woods (daughter of Tiger Woods)
6. Cruz Beckham (son of Posh & Becks)
7. Matilda Rose Ledger (daughter of Michelle Williams & Heath Ledger)
8. David Banda (son of Vadge & Guy Ritchie)
9. SPF (son of Brit Brit & KFed)
10. Sam Sheen (daughter of Denise Richards & Charlie Sheen)

I can't wait for Forbes annual Sexiest Celebrity Fetuses list!

Source

Thanks Heather

Back in September, Helen Mirren gave an interview to GQ Magazine and admitted that she'd been date raped a couple of times. She also made a bunch of people burn their DVD copies of "Prime Suspect" when she said that if a woman goes to bed with a dude and changes her mind at the last minute, the woman shouldn't take the dude to court if she gets raped. Helen believes it's something that should be worked out between them. You know, with a game of rock, paper, scissors. Something like that.

Well, Dame Helen is talking about rape again! She really knows how to clear a room.

In an interview with a female journalist for The Sunday Times, Helen starts off by explaining why she would rather be interviewed by a dude than by a chick. She says, "No, it’s more that I prefer male journalists because there’s a streak of female journalism — the bitches — who are mean-spirited and nasty because you are another woman and want to make you feel crap. It’s very upsetting. I’m more careful when I’m being interviewed by a woman because, from experience as well as reading articles about other women, I know there is a little stiletto knife hidden behind the back."

Point taken. Helen then gets into everyone's favorite subject: rape.

Helen thinks a mostly female jury won't convict a male rapist, because women are sexually jealous of other women. Helen says that the defense team try to get as many chicks on the jury as possible " because women go against women." She went on to say, "Whether in a deep-seated animalistic way, going back billions of years, or from a sense of tribal jealousy or just antagonism, I don't know. But other women on a rape case would say she was asking for it. The only reason I can think of is that they're sexually jealous."

Vera Baird, a British politician, immediately responded to Helen's comments: "This is just such an ignorant thing to say, to suggest that the defense or prosecution have any involvement in the selection of a jury. I do not know what she is talking about, women hating women. This is a vast generalization based on nothing, but unfortunately it is likely to have a deterrent effect."

Please, please, please, Helen! You're making everyone cry with your personal thoughts about rape. If you're going to talk about this shit, then come prepared with years of research you have done, pie charts, Powerpoint presentations, etc...etc...

I would drink a cup of Helen's lukewarm bathwater, so I'm just going to hang my head and file this under: Not Today, Helen. And then I'm going to go watch the PUPPIES!!! They make everything better.

Go here to read Helen's entire interview.