Uncomfortable

The world's only living sun-dried tomato George Hamilton is out pimping his new memoir "Don't Mind If I Do"and he confessed to the cackling hens of "The View" that he fucked his 28-year-old stepmother when he was just 12. There's no reason to get upset about it. George says he was willing and it wasn't wrong. That makes it okay!

George said, "When I was 12 I had a relationship with my stepmother. She was about 28, 30. My father never knew about it. It was very normal. She didn't make me feel bad about it. It wasn't dirty." He went on to say, "I don't think it warped me in my life. It went on for a short time and then, strangely enough, when I was an actor in Hollywood I met her again, she was as beautiful, and we had a sort of follow-up."

It all started when George's father was away and he was laying down in the living room of their apartment. His stepmother June Howard came in wearing a peignoir and laid down next to him. This fucked up bitch then told George she wanted to "cuddle" and this led to them doing illegal sexy times. George said, "What followed was as natural as the birds and bees neither of my parents had gotten around to telling me about." Where's Chris Hansen when you need him?!

During George's lovely story, Joy Behar uncomfortably smiled and then let him know that he was molested. George flashed those Chiclets of his and laughed it off, saying, "Was I molested? Damn, I'm down for it again. But the bottom line is it didn't feel abnormal."

Molestation is fun according to George Hamilton! Ugh. I'm guessing that the reason George is so nonchalant about this fuckery has to do with the fact that his brains are probably like pieces of charbroiled bacon fat. It's okay, George. Just go lay down in the sun some more. I'll send someone around every hour on the hour to stick a meat thermometer in you to make sure you haven't completely roasted.

Below is Georgie making all those bitches uncomfortable on "The View." Skip to the 2-minute mark for the awkwardness and laughs.

Yeah, this isn't strange. David Crosby has somehow found himself as part of the case between Rob Lowe and his former nasty nanny. Laura Boyce (the nasty nanny) claims she was sexually harassed by the Lowes. They're currently going through a bunch of court shit.

TMZ reports that David hung out with Laura Boyce and the Lowes in Hawaii last year. He said in a declaration that Laura kept talking about big dicks. Can we please get audio of David saying this!

David said that Laura openly talked about only dating "black guys because of their cocks." David went on to say, "Laura Boyce was open about her personal life and dating preferences and freely discussed that in front of my wife and me."

A friend of the Lowes also said in a declaration that the always classy Laura talked about jumbo peen a lot. The friend said, "Laura began bragging about the size of her boyfriend's penis. Laura said that her boyfriend was an African American athlete. Laura bragged that her boyfriend's penis was 'the second largest cock in the NBA.'" How big was his wang you ask? Well, the Lowes' friend went on to say that it was so big that Laura "had to wear a 'life saver' so that his penis didn't 'rip her pussy apart."

For the children out there, a "life saver" is a ring you put on your massive schlong so that it doesn't poke out an organ or anything.

First of all, Laura Boyce probably shouldn't be a nanny anymore, right? What the hell kind of nanny talks like that?! They should be talking about spoonfuls of sugar. Not about cock!

Second of all, if her boyfriend has the second biggest dick in the NBA, who has the first? How do they determine this? Do they say, "Welcome to the NBA! We need to measure your dick now"? And where is this list kept? Is it open to the public? Are there pictures as proof? I need to know the answers to these questions! The welfare of my private areas depend on it!

Some things in this world should not exist like Parasite Hilton, the Spongebob ass thermometer and chocolate covered pork rinds. Add this Baby Wee Wee doll from the UK to the list. After watching this commercial, I need Chris Hansen to hold me and tell me it was all just a bad dream.

I mean, you tickle the doll, his peen starts wiggling and then he pisses on your face! NO. Put. It. Away. Forever.

Well, at least you know what to go R. Kelly for Christmas.

VIA Videogum

Are you one of those fraidy cat bitches who are deathly afraid of clowns? Like this bitch? Well, if you are, let the naked clowns help cure your phobia! A group of 16 clowns in San Francisco came together to take it all off for a new calendar. The proceeds from the calendar will benefit MS research.

There's nothing creepy about a naked clown! If your pee hole is dripping a little because you're so scared, then your case is probably worse than you thought. Don't think of them as clowns. Just think of them as naked people baring their genitals for your viewing pleasure. Most genitals are not scary.

A couple of the clown dudes are kind of hot. Don't focus on the scary clown face that looks like it will wake you in the middle of the night and hack you into a million pieces. Think of the peen hiding underneath those silly clown props. Is it fat? Is it skinny? Is it smiling at you? Does it honk when you squeeze it? Does it have a round red nose? Well, if it has that then the clown needs to go get that checked out. The idea of seeing wang rules out the creepiness of the clown face.....

....Okay, I take that all back. I just went through these pictures again and I'm officially a little scared. I also can't wait to buy this shit and give it to all my clown-hating friends for Christmas. They will shit themselves. Literally.

Click here to see more pictures from this shit. Unfortunately, you have to buy the calendar to see the full Bozo.

You are witnessing Tommy Girl and his Stepford wife awkwardly holding each other the first time in days. They save these precious moments for when dozens of paparazzi are around. This is about as passionate as a boiled turnip laying in a pile of crusty oatmeal. I've hugged my always constipated accountant with more affection. Seriously, he's always constipated and lets me know about it. Imagine hugging someone you know is having trouble taking a dump. Exactly. It's still sexier than Tommy Girl uncomfortably embracing Stepford Katie.

You can tell that Tommy Girl is totally "ewwwwwing' inside at the thought of getting that close to a vagina owner. He's trying to picture E.T.'s head on David Beckham's oiled-up body. Obviously, it didn't work.

Here's more of these two alien dykes failing at fooling all of us while leaving Katie's dress rehearsal for "All My Sons." And you know John Travolta is getting off on Tommy Girl's barley sweat stained pits. He likes to lick......I'll stop.

In the new issue of W Magazine, Josh Brolin tells us exactly what he thinks of his father. You can smell the Tequila dripping off of his words:

“My dad is probably one of the handsomest guys ever. I was making a joke and I said, ‘If I was a chick, I’d fuck you.’ He was like, ‘You can’t say that! Shut your mouth!’”

This is not something I would ever say to one of my parents, but this is a Hollywood family we're talking about. Imagine the things Papa Joe says to his daughters? Papa Joe's compliments to his girls probably make Josh's quote sound like it came directly from a Christian family movie.

In the October issue of Britain's Glamour Magazine, Teri Snatcher aka The Botox Grinch has a little advice for her 10-year-old daughter Emerson.

Snatcher said: "Have great sex and eat the chocolate. Don’t sit on public toilet seats and make sure to floss. … Life's too short to stress; you'll be able to get past anything difficult; the sun will rise tomorrow; you are beautiful; you are lovable."

Snatcher must have read Lynne Spears' inspirational parenting book. The pedos of the world are bowing down to her.

And isn't having great sex and eating chocolate the same thing in certain circles? Gross. Snatcher forgot to tell her daughter NOT to ever mix flossing with oral sex. Click here if you have no idea what I'm blabbing about.

Snatcher went on to say that she also keeps a "goal board" with inspirational notes and images on it. She said: "It's basically a collage of images of things you want to achieve in your life – all written, glued or drawn onto a big piece of paper." Some of the messages on the board include "Don't eat after 7 p.m." and "Dance like a teenager."

Has she seen the way teenagers dance nowadays? The last thing I need to see is Snatcher wiggling her snatch like a video ho.

Snatcher's Glamour interview is just further proof that excessive botox use isn't good for the brains.

VIA People

24-year-old Angel Pantoja Medina of Puerto Rico apparently told his family that when he passes away, he wants to stand upright through his wake. Well, his family granted his wish. Dressed in a Yankees cap, sunglasses and a gold chain, Angel was mourned by family members while standing tall in his mother's living room for 3 days.

The funeral home told The Associated Press that they used a special embalming treatment to keep him standing. His brother said, "He wanted to be happy, standing."

The police are currently investigating Angel's death. His body was found underneath a bridge last Friday.

I guess it's not that strange. I mean, I want half of my ashes stuffed into one of Shauna Sand's exquisite lucite heels. I want the other half scattered along Robertson Blvd. That way I will always be with international supermodel Phoebe Price. Oh and save a line of my ashes for Amy Wino. I want her to snort me up, Keith Richards-style.

Okay, I take it back. After going through these pictures, I need someone to hold my hand and feed me a Twinkie. I'm a little uncomfortable

Even with all his problems with that horsey lady with the scaaawy teefs, Mini-Me still manages to get the hot chicks. It's funny that Mini-Me's lady is making that face, because she's going to be making that same face later when Mini-Me's toddler leg is halfway up her chocha. It's okay, girl. Just breathe and think about rainbows and garden gnomes. Well, maybe not gnomes.

Mini-Me is still no match for me. I'd get with that bitch, but he would have to bring his A-GAME. One leg isn't going to cut. I'd have to shout at him, "Bitch! Use two legs. I can't feeeeeel it, bitch! Put a condom over your body and dive on in, because I'm ready to do this!"

Here's Mini with some chick at a Sidekick party last night. This makes me really want a scooter. It would make life so much better.

I thank the Chicken Cutlet gods every day for not giving us YouTube when I was a kid. This would be me. The FresnoBeehive posted this video of 11-year-old Dannyhott, a YouTuber with a small following, singing Mimi's "Touch My Body." He probably has no idea what he's singing about, but it's still not right!

I didn't get through the whole video because the state of the room was starting to bother me. I want to scream at that boy, "Stop singing that shit and clean up!" I also had to stop watching because it was like looking at myself when I was 11. I mean, I would have added some moves to it, but still!

That being said, Chris Hansen, come get this boy!

Thanks Heather