Gay

Prepare yourself to know what it feels like to never trust anything that comes out of Brad Pitt's mouth again (because I know that up until this point you hugged every word that came out of Brad Pitt's mouth with warm arms of trust). Brad Pitt has regularly declared before the gay gods (aka a sculpture of Rojo Caliente riding a Liberace unicorn centaur down a flannel rainbow) that he will never slip a wedding band on Angie Jo's bony finger until everybody in the U.S. can get married. Well, the bitch is a teller of lies.

As you and your same-sex partner wait at City Hall until it's legal for you to file a marriage certificate, the asshole who vowed to stand with you until the end will whisk on by with his zombie vampira skeleton bride and cut in front of the line. RIGHT IN YOUR BETRAYED FACE. Because Brad tells The Hollywood Reporter that he's probably going to break his promise by becoming Angie's third husband:

"We’d actually like to, and it seems to mean more and more to our kids. We made this declaration some time ago that we weren’t going to do it till everyone can. But I don’t think we’ll be able to hold out. It means so much to my kids, and they ask a lot. And it means something to me, too, to make that kind of commitment.

I’m not going to go any further. But to be in love with someone and be raising a family with someone and want to make that commitment and not be able to is ludicrous, just ludicrous.”

I'm going to force myself to not get hypnotized by the fact that Brad's goatee looks like an upright grandpa stache and an upside-down grandpa stache holding hands over a soul patch, because there's more important matters at hand (not really). Brad has just proven that he cares about keeping his commitments as much as he cares about finding a shampoo for extra oily hair. (Seriously, Brad, it's not hard. Just ask someone at Sally's Beauty.) If Brad rips the notary stamp off the promise he made to gays and gayelles, how can Angie Jo trust that he won't rip the notary stamp off the marital bowels (Oh, Freud, I love it when you trip me) he makes to her? Oh, wait.

Before I shove my face into a huge bowl of shit stew with generous chunks of Kuntrashian, Bieber and Lohan, allow my eyeballs to get hypnotized by the hand traveling down to Joe Jonas' purity place at Brit Brit's show in London the other night. I love how Joe is serving up a "Guuurrrrrl, where do you think your paw is going? Fish, be gone!" darting side-eye at the lady dancer but doesn't have anything to say about the booty tooching (I hate you for putting that word into my head, TyTy) boy dancer doing the handjob shimmy down to his Magic Kingdom.

This GIF is already a star in the sparkling gay universe, but would it become the Big Dipper of gay constellations (SPOILER ALERT: the answer is yes) if I told you I have that same shirt Joe is wearing? It's the same shirt that some tramp at Duane Reade asked me if I got at Mandee's. Bitch, it's not from Mandee's! It's from Forever 21's men section, thankyouverymuch.

via WOW Report (Thanks Kenny!)

A "Yes, Spock Likes The Cock!" cover of People Magazine and a media parade where he somersaults down the street in a rainbow leotard while shooting glitter our of his b-hole is not Zachary Quinto's style, so he decided to be a little more subtle on you bitches for his big coming out. Yeah, yeah, Zachary Quinto brushing his luscious otter brows against man nips in the early morning hours is a surprising revelation right up there with "sneezing chihuahuas are silly," "anuses are wrinkly," and "Trace Cyrus is scared of snakes," but he said the words out loud while talking about his new movie Margin Call with New York Magazine. Queen Toe talked about doing the plays Angels in America, dropped his thoughts on Occupy Wall Street and then nonchalantly flicked the gay fact into New York Magazine's lap:

What was terrifying?
Just the sheer scale of the play to begin with. And then I just think revisiting that work and revisiting the themes of that work at a time when the political and social climate of the country is shifting so dramatically and so irreversibly, to really come up against the echoes of that hatred and that bigotry and that fear that still exists in our culture, just in a different context now — you know, I feel it was just a really interesting exploration for me.

Doing that play made me realize how fortunate I am to have been born when I was born. And to not have to witness the decimation of an entire generation of amazingly talented and otherwise vital men. And at the same time, as a gay man, it made me feel like I — there's still so much work to be done. There's still so many things that need to be looked at and addressed. The undercurrent of that fear and that, you know, insidiousness still is swarming. It's still all around us. To revisit that world at all, it took a toll on me. It definitely was an incredible experience but it was really daunting at times.

What do you think is gonna happen with Occupy Wall Street? Do you think it’s gonna fizzle or grow week-by-week?
As a left-leaning Democrat, I feel a sense of resonance with their position, but as a citizen of this country, I feel deeply unsettled that people are rising up in movements against one another. It feels like we’re missing the mark. I just think it’s all broken. I think our financial system, so many aspects of our social connections, seem fractured. And I think it’s a really tenuous time for our country. I don’t know what will happen going into this election year. It seems like the Tea Party, Occupy Wall Street — there’s such tremendous disparity right now. It’s like, you have the legalization of gay marriage in the state of New York and three months later you have Jamey Rodemeyer killing himself, yet another gay teenager bullied into taking his own life. And, you know, again, as a gay man, I look at that and say there’s a hopelessness that surrounds it. But as a human being, I look at it and say, “Why? Where is this disparity coming from and why can’t we as a culture, as a society, dig deeper to examine it?” We’re terrified of facing ourselves, we’re terrified of what we’ll find and so, instead, we seem to waste time and energy with small-mindedness and intolerance and with bigotry and with hatred and with fear. And those things are just gonna — no matter if it’s Occupy Wall Street or any other social or political or financial issue, we’re hurtling towards something that is really scary to me.

If a celebrity wants to shout that they're gay on the cover of a weekly magazine, then I say whatever works for them and their publicists. It all helps. I mean, if my teenage self saw Ricky Martin screaming SOY HOMOSEXUALIS!!!! on the cover of a People en Español at the Stater Bros. checkout line, it might've inspired me to be more over-the-top Norma Desmond-ish about my official coming out scene. Mine was totally boring. I just said "going to hang out with my boyfriend," or something like that, when my mom asked me where I was going. I knew that she knew before I knew. But now I wish I would've jumped up at the Thanksgiving table and shouted SOY HOMOSEXUALIS!!! I might not ever get to shout the words SOY HOMOSEXUALIS!!! again.

That being said, I still like the way Zachary Quinto eloquently and casually dropped it like it's not a big deal and isn't breaking news. That's pretty much how you do it.

UPDATE: And for Zachary's own words on this, click here.

And yes, this still calls for a leche party!

If you took Taylor Lautner out of Hollywood, you'd take away 90% of the gay blind items. Taylor Lautner is destined to join Scientology, marry some girl from a show on The CW, exchange her human parts for robot parts, claim the girl baby she made with her ex-boyfriend as his own and name his new daughter Irus. But Taylor says this isn't going to happen. Even though Taylor has a forehead made for a butch top to watch HD porn on while he rides that peen cowboy-style, he says that he's not gay at all.

GQ Australia brought up Taylor's dinner date with openly gay director Gus Van Zant and writer Dustin Lance Black and asked him if they hit on him. Taylor responded with this:

"No, definitely not. I think they know I'm straight. But they're great guys. They're a lot of fun. It's not a coincidence that there was a writer, a director and an actor at dinner."

Oh yeah, GQ Australia. When two gay dudes take a straight (for pay) dude to dinner, they automatically try to footsie him in the crotch under the table. I know that when two straight dudes take me to dinner, by the time dessert rolls around they get me to eat a plate of coochies and cream. And then I'm turned! Before you know it, I'm feasting on poon pavlova and diving face first into pussies jubilee. After I air kiss the straights at the exit door, I turn back into a gay. Yup, I drink the cooze-aid every time I have dinner with two straight dudes.

As for Taylor saying he's straight, this GIF starring one of his relatives pretty much sums up my response:

via Examiner

Thomas Jane plays a Midwestern father who peddles his peen to ladies for cash on HBO's Hung and he tells The L.A. Times (via Towleroad) that in real life he once took a price tag to his saleable bits and turned tricks on Santa Monica Blvd. Thomas admitted that he tasted man for money when the L.A. Times reporter brought up the "I told HBO, the year I end up with a penis in my mouth is the last year of the show" line that caused some of the gay media to light his asshole for free.

Instead of giving the public (read: me) what they really wanted by passing forward detailed stories, Polaroid pictures, sketches, videos and flip books of his man-on-man hooker car sex, Thomas went on and on about how being a gay hustler showed him that dude ass ain't for him. You know, because dicks and pussies are like brussels sprouts, you can't know that you don't like em until you've tried em. And just like brussels sprouts, dicks and pussies are best when served with a little garlic salt and melted butter on top. This is what Thomas had to say about selling ass and sexuality:

You've gotten a lot of grief in the gay media ... here's your chance [to explain yourself].
Hey, you grow up as an artist in a big city, as James Dean said, you're going to have one arm tied behind your back if you don't accept people's sexual flavors. You know, when I was a kid out here in L.A., I was homeless, I didn't have any money and I was living in my car. I was 18. I wasn't averse to going down to Santa Monica Boulevard and letting a guy buy me a sandwich. Know what I mean?

Do you feel that experience had any cost or was it just doing what you had to do?
You're a lot more open to experimentation as a young man. And for me, being a young artist and broke in Los Angeles, I was exploring my sexual identity. And probably because of my middle-class, white blue-collar upbringing, I would have never had the opportunity to confront some of my own fears and prejudices had I not been hungry enough to be forced to challenge myself in that way.

So then it was productive for you in terms of self-knowledge?
Yeah, absolutely. It blew the doors off of my conventional upbringing and thinking and opened up possibilities for me that were akin to World War III. And then you actually have a choice, and I chose to be a heterosexual guy because that's what my DNA dictates and my nurture dictates that I am.

Then is that a choice?
I don't know. I think up to a point it's a choice. But I'll tell you what — it's not a choice until you're open enough to experience both male and female sexuality. Until you've tasted the food, you don't know whether you'll like it or not, as my mom always said.

What Thomas is saying is that it wasn't his choice to be straight, but it was his choice to let a man go throat deep on him for a tuna melt. Right? Okay. But the most offensive, wrong, uneducated and dangerous part of his comment is the sandwich part. Do you know how many first-time johns are going to pick up a twink queen on Santa Monica Blvd. and throw them a wink as they whisper out of the passenger window, "Can I buy you a sandwich?" That poor john's dick-sucking wet dreams are going to be crushed when the twink queen thinks he literally wants to buy him a sandwich and tells him to pull into the Subway a couple blocks up. I swear, Thomas Jane is totally whoring for Subway!

By the way, selling ass for a sandwich is totally my new life motto.

While everybody is whispering about how Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith's contract is about to head for the shredder, the latter is not staying at home weeping into his Scientology-approved cry cloth (aka Tommy Girl's butt). The National Enquirer (via C+D) is keeping one eye on the blossoming bromance (that sounds like the name of an entry Gay Al Reynolds would submit into the Miami Flower Show) between Will and singer Trey Songz. They say this might not be a Big Brothers of America situation and seem to think there's a chance Will is popping Trey's butt pimples with his pelvis. As Scientology audit machines combust and Jada's favorite strap-on makes a sad.....

A source says that last month in Miami, Will and Trey not only sat next to each other at a charity event (Clutch your anal pearls!), but they also went to dinner together the night after (Clutch your anal pearls tighter!). One of Trey's friends, record executive Troy Taylor, kept the flame on that rumor going by telling the Enquirer that his lips are sealed about their relationship:

“I know that Trey and Will have been friends for a very long time, but I can’t speak to the nature of their relationship. It’s none of my business.”

"I can't speak to the nature of their relationship" is a shady gossip queen's way of making the blow job gesture with just words. You know that after those words came out of Troy's mouth, he humped the inside of his cheek with his tongue tip while blowing an air kiss with his eyes. If you put a magnifying glass up to the space between those lines, you'd find this line staring back at you: "They're lapping up each other's ass juices. The end."

Father Andrés García Torres, a Spanish Catholic priest, is in danger of losing his position at his parish in Madrid after Bishop Getafe saw this picture of him hugging on a young Cuban seminarian and declared that some ESCANDALOSO Oh-mo-sex-oo-ahl-ish shit must be going on. If two dudes are side hugging in a picture it must mean that they were just side fucking until the stained glass windows blew out, obviously.

Bishop Getafe is so sure that the hot piece on the left made the sign of the father, the son and the holy ghost on Father Andrés' asshole with his peen that the bishop is calling for the father's resignation, a psychiatric evaluation and an HIV test. Father Andrés Unibrow denies the shit that is coming out of Bishop Getafe's mouth and says that his madre is wailing through the streets about this. Father Andrés will travel to Rome to try to prove that he's just friends with the seminarian and that the bishop is pushing him out of his parish without any proof. And then the literary angels cried when Father Andrés said this:

" Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated."

I was about to clutch my pearls with my hands, but one of the lips of my way too dilated anus just reached around, crawled up and did it for me. Let's translate this work of poetry into Google Spanish and see if it has the same effect:

"Vamos a medir mi ano y ver si se dilata."

This time both of my anus lips clutched my pearls! And I thought that Lindsay Lohan's "move that cone" line was the quote of the week, but nope. "Let them measure my anus" is the new "Show me the receipts!"

This reminds me of something one of my friends said. He said that b-holes are sort of like tree trunks: you can tell how long they've been around by how many rings (or lines) they have. Oh, hell, I have probably the mighty oak of assholes. If you peered into it, you'd probably see the face of a wise old woman who would tell you to follow your heart and dance through the colors of the wind. Then you'd bring your white ship captain to meet the old lady in my asshole and ask for her approval. NO GRACIAS. That is why Father Andrés is braver (and less dilated in the anus) than me, because I'd never let anyone closely examine my Grandmother Willow asshole under bright lights.

And Bishop Getafe ain't shit! That shady bitch is up to something. I bet that Bishop Getafe will take Father Andrés up on that offer and show up to the anus measuring ceremony with ruler marks on his peen. I see you, Bishop Getafe!

via Free Thinker (Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)

Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie have said before that they won't put wedding rings on each other's bony ass fingers until everybody can and so he's patting New York state on the taint for opening the chapel door to gays and lesbians. At least, he says he's celebrating it, but I take it more as a big, gigantic gulp. You know, a gulp that translates into: "6 down, 44 more to go and then I have to marry that bitch." Here's the statement Brad released to People:

"It is encouraging that New York has joined the movement to grant equal marriage rights to its citizens. But it is each American's Constitutional right to marry the person they love, no matter what state they inhabit. No state should decide who can marry and who cannot. Thanks to the tireless work of so many, someday soon this discrimination will end and every American will be able to enjoy their equal right to marriage."

Thank you for that, Billy Goat Brad. And another thank you (served inside of a sarcasm terrine) for not warning a bitch to get as high as humanly possible before stepping into the movie theater to see The Tree of Life. For serious. If you haven't seen The Tree of Life and want to see it, learn from my mistakes and take yourself up, up and away before doing so. Smoke ten joints, bathe your nostrils in bath salts or lick the sweat off of a crackhead's nuts! Just do whatever you can to put your mind in a place where watching MAC screensavers for 3 hours while listening to the Catholic Church's hold music is a form of entertainment. I went in completely sober and I'll never forgive myself for it. I had to count my pubic hairs with my fingers just to pass the time. Nobody around me noticed, because they were either: a) smart enough to get high and were mesmerized by the leftover Planet Earth clips or b) they were asleep.

So thanks for the words about gay marriage, Brad! But fuck you for not putting a label the reads "WARNING: Do not watch while in a state of soberness" on The Tree of Life poster.

In honor of gay pride month, Our Lady of Self-Absorption Fishsticks Paltrow pressed pause on preaching to her GOOPers about the importance of having wood burning pizza ovens and $500 summer socks made from an alpaca's pubes to ask a few spiritual leaders what the other bible (the first being, GOOP) truly says about homosexuality. Yeah, when Fishy gets deep she always sounds like she's lived in a Baccarat crystal bubble in the middle of an Evian sea her whole life and has barely washed up on the shore of the real world. Like she's the Little Mermaid or some shit and is using GOOP to ask, "What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?" But I think Fishy's GOOP is in the right place this time and I actually learned something! Here's Fishy's intro:

Homosexuality in the Bible

A few months ago, in the heat of the tragic teen suicides that came about from intolerance of homosexuality, I saw a man on television who was apologizing for wishing death on gays from his facebook page. This member of an Arkansas school board was contrite for the violence in his words, but maintained that his values pertaining to homosexuality would remain, as he felt homosexuality was condemned in the bible. This concept, while foreign to me, is interesting, as it used to justify so much judgement and separation in our society. When my daughter came home from school one day saying that a classmate had two mommies, my response was, "Two mommies? How lucky is she?!" What does it actually say in the bible that will cause some people to be upset by my line of thinking?

Happy pride.

Love,
gp

Fishy really said "How lucky is she?", because she pictured herself as both moms. Now on to the shit that GOOP opened my mind to. Cynthia Bourgeault, an episcopal priest, wrote this about what the Old Testament says about gayness:

"How you answer this question depends hugely on what you take the bible to be. IF you believe that the bible is a single, timeless, internally consistent teaching on matters of human morality dictated by God himself, then yes, the Old Testament book of Leviticus is definitely uncomfortable with homosexuality. But it is also uncomfortable with menstruating women, shellfish and pigskin. (And for the record, it has some very harsh words to say about lending money at interest, a prohibition that even Biblical literalists seem to find it perfectly permissible to disregard!)

The only instruction manual on life I follow was written by Jackie Collins, so I've never really cared what the New and Old Testament had to say about how I should live mine, but PIGSKINS?!!! If they're talking about the football team, okay. But I have a feeling they're talking about pork rinds! And here I was thinking that the rest stop between here and heaven only carried pork rinds, Slim Jims and strawberry Shasta! I guess I have to bring my fucking own if that's where I'm going. Note to you: Bury me with a bag of pork rinds.

Click here if you want to read the rest of GOOP's long ass expose on homosexuality in the bible.

Those of you who guessed "Don Lemon" for that "Which TV personality is coming out?" blind item can give yourself a pat on the taint this morning. But you know, you should always start your day with a pat on the taint no matter what since it's the body part that barely gets any love. It's always getting splattered with all kinds of bodily fluids from our genitals and b-hole and we never thank it for that. We basically treat it like a back alley. It gets no love! It's like the Marlon Jackson of body parts. So we should all pat our taints to let it know that we care. But I'm digressing all over a post again. Let's move on to DON LEMON'S COMING OUT PARTY!!!!!

CNN's prime-time weekend anchor Don Lemon, who is Liz Lemon's ninth cousin once removed, made the decision to come out while writing his autobiography called Transparent. Don already admitted that he was child touched by a bishop, so he was a little wary because he didn't want people to think that's the reason why he loves the peen. Don also tells The New York Times that being gay and African-American is a totally different game.

“I’m scared. I’m talking about something that people might shun me for, ostracize me for.

It’s quite different for an African-American male. It’s about the worst thing you can be in black culture. You’re taught you have to be a man; you have to be masculine. In the black community they think you can pray the gay away.

You’re afraid that black women will say the same things they do about how black men should be dating black women. I guess this makes me a double minority now.”

I'm not even touching that one with a Tyler Perry joke, so moving on. Don also says that he wishes more famous people would come twirling out of the closet (Geraldo Rivera's stache just twitched).

“I think it would be great if everybody could be out. But it’s such a personal choice. People have to do it at their own speed. I respect that. I do have to say that the more people who come out, the better it is for everyone, certainly for the Tyler Clementis of the world.

I think if I had seen more people like me who are out and proud, it wouldn’t have taken me 45 years to say it,” Mr. Lemon said, “to walk in the truth.”

Good for Don! Being an out gay definitely has its perks. You can openly make out with a dude almost anywhere you want AND when you're listening to the Best of Aqua on the subway, you don't have to hide your iPod screen from prying eyes. It's a non-stop party! However, I will say that the real headline here should be: DON LEMON COMES OUT AS A 45-YEAR-OLD!