Emma Stone has always been a non-sexual being to me, like a Care Bear or Gary Busey, and I would've guessed that her idea of a hot night with her piece is playing Mad Libs while eating rainbow popcorn, but I'm wrong. Apparently, Emma Stone does bump wet parts with dudes and she once bumped wet parts with a dude while a camera was aimed at them. That's what Radar says anyway.
Before Easy A and Superbad, 24-year-old Emma did sex with a dude on camera and he's still got the tape in his hands. Some source says that he hasn't tried to sell the tape to the highest bidder yet, but the more famous she gets, the more money the tape is worth. The source went on to say this shit: "She made it long before she started dating Andrew Garfield, and before she really became a household name. She was just young and probably thought nothing would ever come of it."
Superbad came out in 2007 when Emma was 19, so dude could have a piece of child porn in his hands. If that's the case, Sesame Workshop would like to talk to his ass about buying it, because they can pair it with their new movie Elmo Pops In.
I was about to say that I'd only watch an Emma Stone sex tape if Andrew Garfield's ass is in it, but then I looked at a current day picture of him and I changed my mind. That sex tape would look like a skinny Wolverine wrestling with a laughing ghost. You know, when I put it that way, it actually sounds kind of hot.
RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night's MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn't do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn't do it, because he's not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!
You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad's guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren't having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins...
Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a "Where's a strap-on when you really need one?" or "This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!" side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.
If you've ever wanted to gaze deep into Jim Carrey's 49-year-old pores while he spills the crazy out in an open ode to his love for 22-year-old Emma Stone, this is the shit for you. Jim lets all of us know what thinks of when he jerks off by saying that if he was 20 years younger he'd make a bunch of fat freckled babies with Emma Stone. Then Jim says that he wishes Emma joy, and happiness, and above all this he wishes her laaaaaaaaauuuuuuuv. This video has since been recorded onto a VHS tape, stuffed into a manila envelope and passed to Kevin Costner who has been hired to protect Emma since Jim is obviously thisclose to moving into one of her front bushes. No. Jim is just telling jokes (I think). Here's the transcript which is best read with the karaoke version of THIS.
I just wanted to let you know that I think you're all the way beautiful. Not just pretty, but, you know, smart and kindhearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you, and we would have chubby little freckled faced kids. We'd laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And the sex?
Everyday for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I'm not. I'm 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little grey in my beard, and it takes me a little longer to pee than it used to. Those are the only discernible signs of aging that I can find so far. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. You're pretty special, and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfillment, but most of all, I wish you love and contentment. That's all.
We'll also say that Jim is telling jokes when he starts Tweeting about what Emma's toilet paper smells like while he's hiding out inside of her front yard trash can. Emma, the WTF is in your court.
But seriously, what the hell kind of poppers did those penguins give Jim?!
Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are whoring themselves hard for that crap Friends with Benefits movie like everyone's rent is due and everyone's landlord is knocking on the door while his wife is downstairs so a bitch can't crawl down the fire escape. Justin and Mila have given interviews to everybody, sold pieces of their soul and even brought the Marines into it in order to make sure that hos pay $13 to see them have fake sex. And in a last-minute attempt to sell their movie, Justin and Mila pulled out the bright big superstar gun that is JOYCE FUCKING DEWITT! Come on knock on our dooooor, because I WILL take a step that is new!
Miss Joyce came to party as though someone just yelled LAST CALL at the Regal Beagle. Miss Joyce flexed those rock hard neck veins like she's been using Suzanne Somers' VeinMaster for months and can't wait to show her results. Miss Joyce let the blood from her face drain into her hips since that's where the real party will come from when she swishes her shit on Justin on the dance floor at the after-party. Miss Joyce's eyes might look like they're screaming "Did somebody say coke?" but they're really saying "Sexy is officially back!" And Crest Whitestrip sales plummeted into the dirt seconds after Miss Joyce did the cokey grit grin and showed off her I Can't Believe It's Not Butter teeth.
Kris Jenner can pull up her face as much as possible, but she'll never look as shiny beautiful as this. Kris needs to make like Miss Joyce's right nostril and BE GONE!
You probably don't care since you're obviously just here for Miss Joyce, but here's a bunch of others who showed up to last night's NYC premiere of Friends with Medicare. In order: The true star of the night, Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis, Emma Stoner, Irina Shayk, Patricia Clarkson (who is obviously too much woman for JT), Michael Bolton and Fu Manwhite.
Natalie Portman's baby brewing area is going to grow into thousands of pixels before our very eyes in the next few weeks as she accepts Best ActressWhatever at every awards show for her performance in Mother May I Sleep With Mila Kunis? and last night she collected one of her first at the Critics' Choice Movie Awards. (Click here for all the winners)
Actually, let me snatch that back. Natalie is probably not going to win at The Christina Hendricks Awards tomorrow since they will find some way to sneak St. Angie into the Best Actress - Drama category at the last second. They will say that St. Angie's performance in The Tourist is covered with so many layers that she's worthy of comedy, drama and animation awards. They are up on her halo like that. So, Natalie, stay home in your Zac Posen pajama jeans tomorrow, because that shit is not yours to take.
But last night, Natalie wore that shit to accept her trophy. It sorts of looks like a motel bed sheet held up with electrical tape and that sounds like a hot look on paper, but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm too busy slobbering over that trophy to make a concrete decision. Every single trophy resembles a dildo to me and that one looks like it was manufactured by Krypton's most well-respected dick toy makers. Get me one!
Here's a few more pictures from last night's show. In oooorder: Natalie Hershlag,
Yanni Christian Bale, Emma Stone, Jon Hamm, Dr. Kevorkian (????), Julianne Moore, Tilda Swinton, Melissa Leo, Michelle Williams, Ryan Gosling, Senorita Jokerface, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban, Jeremy Renner, Lisa Rinna Helena Bonham Carter and Annette Bening with Warren Beatty.
Emma Stone is playing Gwen Stacy in the Spider-Man redoodoo, so she has taken her follicles from the color of a redbone coonhound (Where the Red Fern Grows shout out) to the hair color of a Malibu Stacy fresh out of the factory. Fun fact: Emma's scalp naturally grows out blonde hair, but she started dyeing it different shades of brown and red a million years ago (give or take a few hundred thousand years).
Emma's new yallw-ish hare-ya sort of makes her look like a trick White Oprah might try to hit up for a bump and an Adderall chaser. Or like Jaime Pressly's younger sister who has great big cholita dreams but gets confused about whether you're supposed to brush a Sharpie over your eyes or around your eyes.
My nipples get the fever for any shade of ginger, so I prefer Emma in her unnatural state, but she went blonde for the right reason: A FUCKING CHECK! Here's more of a newly blonde Emma at the TREVOR Live Benefit in L.A. last night.