Tom Brokaw and Sarah Palin actually have something in common. They both hate-watched the hell out of the White House Correspondents' Dinner last night. As the hos from DC and the hos from Hollywood roasted (although, it was more like a light searing followed by a soothing burn-cooling blow) each other, the White Rain crust on Sarah Palin's hair strands melted off as she clenched her ass cheeks and fisted the TV in disgust. Those ass clowns in DC were drunkenly laughing with each other while hard-working American Sarah Palin was working hard. Drunk tweeting the WHCD in between finishing up your application for the next season of Splash is hard work, thankyouverymuch!
If you're one of those hard-working Americans who was too busy working hard to watch that mess last night, here's President Obama's act which features cameos by Steven Spielberg, Moe Howard's bangs and Tracy Morgan.
Here's Conan's act and if you ain't got time for it, his best line was, "President Obama and John Boehner are kind of like a blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow. In theory, they understand each other's positions, but deep down you know nothing is ever going to happen."
I don't know which image takes me higher: the image of Sarah Palin throwing her Bump-It at the TV screen, because she wasn't invited to the party or the Silver Fox and Rachel Maddow awkwardly scissoring with their clothes on.
I don't approve of the things that come out of Sarah Palin's mouth, but I do approve of the frosted glamour she smeared on her mouth before her appearance on Fox News last night. The Governor of Alaska turned Dancing with the Stars seat filler went on Fox News last night to blab about blah blah blah blah, but I have a feeling she was really on there to show the people of America the kind of glamour we're missing out on.
You won't find a Bumpit at Walmart today, because they're all in Sarah Palin's hair. Those jars of Aziza rouge your mom kept under her bathroom sink in a shoe box are all gone, because Sarah Palin smeared 'em all over her cheeks. (Side note: Sarah Palin's should've called her book Going Rouge instead.)
The next time you're strolling through the beauty aisles of a Walgreens and sneer at tube of frosted bubblegum pink lipstick collecting dust in the Wet 'N Wild section and wonder who in the hell would buy that mess, just remember this picture to get your answer. Sarah Palin has and will continue to buy that tube of frosted bubblegum pink lipstick and I am grateful for it. I can see glamour from my house!
If Sarah Palin insists on working the ho stroll over and over again, the least she can do is work it while looking like GOP Peg Bundy.
I don't know if I want this story about Sarah Palin co-hosting Today on Tuesday to be a tardy-to-the-party April Fool's joke or if I want it be a truth! I'm more than leaning toward the latter, because this could be foolery wrapped in magic wrapped in the spit that will fly out of my mouth while laughing at Joel McHale shading this on The Soup. They should just put Sarah Palin, Kathie Lee Gifford and a box of wine in a studio together and give us enough time to put on a yellow plastic poncho to protect us from all the fuckery that will fly through the screen. TRUE: I hope this comes!
Lil Wayne took a break from overpopulating the planet with his spawn to talk about politics with Vibe Magazine (via MTV). Specifically, the womb-raiding goblin said that Republicans live in a Brady Bunch bubble and don't want to work with black people to make shit better.
"You learn from what the right-wing is doing and you take something from it. I feel like as a people, the most that we can do is better ourselves and learn. Then look at yourself and ask, 'Am I the person they're talking about or am I not?' You have to make the most of who you are because the Republicans are never going to like us."
Meanwhile, Wyclef Jean took a break from overpopulating his personal checking account with cash from his charity to draw a heart around Sarah Palin's name at Donna Karan's party in NYC on Monday. Wyclef said this shit to WWD:
“I have to tell you this: I am a huge fan of Sarah Palin. Cause she’s rad. She’s shrewd. She’s cool. Because at the end of the day, I’m for the people, because this is the United States of America...this is what America’s really about. Anyone should have the right to say, ‘Look I can do the job and this is what qualifies me to do the job.’….Now my wife probably will debate and disagree with me.
I’m not saying she could be the next president, you know, but there’s something about her. Heavy debates in my house. Whenever I say Sarah Palin, people think I’m crazy, but I like her, I do. I can like whoever. This is America, right?”
Somebody please lock Lil Wayne, Wyclef and Sarah Palin in a room together with a Vh1 (or TLC who is quickly becoming the new Vh1) camera crew! But don't put a line of coke, Glen Rice, fertile sluts and Sean Penn in that same room or it'll turn into something none of us want to see. Or do we?
I know I'm supposed to fully hate Sarah Palin since she'd rather watch me slit a baby black bear's throat with a broken Budweiser bottle than watch me marry the dude I love, but how can I when she keeps delivering priceless gifts like this?
In case you missed it, here's Sarah Palin explaining the midnight ride of Paul Revere the same way you'd explain it after 12 sake bombs, a couple of bong hits, a concussion and a bump of crushed Benadryl. To be fair, if someone asked me about Paul Revere, I'd tell them that I loved his work in The Pee-wee Herman Show.
via Animal NY
The eldest Palin son, 22-year-old Track, married his high school sweetheart, 21-year-old Britta Hanson, in an intimate ceremony in Hatcher Pass, Alaska today. After the young army reservist and the nursing student were married, their families immediately wrapped this statement in seal blubber and sent it to the office of People via a carrier falcon:
"Our families couldn't be happier! These are two hard working, humble, active, studious young adults who grew up together. We're tickled that after two decades of friendship we proudly witnessed their marriage, knowing their new life together will be blessed.
They will have a larger wedding celebration this winter at Alaska's Alyeska Ski Resort when extended family and friends from the Lower 48 can travel north for a long ski weekend.
The Hanson and Palin families are ecstatic and proud that Britta and Track married in one of our favorite spots in America, spectacular Hatcher Pass, Alaska. It's a site we've all shared fun memories of skiing, snowboarding, hiking and snowmachining."
You know, there's something very familiar about this whole thing. Having a surprise wedding on a weekday afternoon... The bride wearing a smart casual blazer from Dress Barn with a slimming black t-shirt from The Limited.... A bouquet covering any evidence.... I KNOW! This is just like the wedding my cousin had when she didn't want our abuelita finding out that she was 3-months knocked up! Ho tried to put a silencer on the shot gun! This is just like that.
However, in this case, instead of worrying about an abuelita finding out, they're trying to keep it from the publicist who handles Bristol Palin's pro-abstinence speaking engagements.
Here's Julianne Moore all dressed up in Sarah Palin drag for HBO's Game Change, which started shooting today. Game Change is all about John McCain's 2008 run for president from when he plucked Sarah Palin out of a bear rug's mouth to when he lost against Obama. Ed Harris is playing McCain, Woody Harrelson is playing McCain's senior campaign advisor and Melissa Farman is playing Bristol.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only thing I care about is who is playing my favorite pill-popping Republican ice queen goddess Cindy McCain?! I swear, if they screw up that casting... They better have cast a magnificent stone cold beauty with sparkling sapphire eyes like that of the silver-plated dolphin bracelet my third grade teacher always wore. You don't know how many times my third grade teacher said, "Oh, my great aunt left it to me when she passed." Ho, was your great aunt named Claire's, because you know that's where it came from!
Come to think of it, my third grade teacher's dolphin bracelet should play Cindy McCain! Or Sandra Lee. One of those.
We're so obsessed with whatever H&M dress Michelle Obama wore this week when the fashion industry should really be lowering their Blue Blockers at the real style icon of this country: SARAH PALIN. The Governor of... The vice presidential... The reality star... The leading cause of question marks... The um... Oh, it doesn't matter that I have no idea what the hell Sarah Palin does anymore! The only thing that matters right now is that I can see GLAMOUR from her wrist! Sarah Palin was at an event on Long Island (could this be anywhere else?) yesterday and she proudly pledged her allegiance to beaded patriotic cuffs!!! That is the kind of cuff you'd wear to stomp into The Fudge Palace and declare that every American has the right to TEA BAG!
One would think that you'd pair a cuff like that with red and white rubber boots or gladiator sandals made out of torn Nascar t-shirts, but Sarah flipped the fashion world upside down by Siegfried & Roy-ing all of us:
I didn't know there's such a thing as leopard printed moose (or meese, as someone I knew calls them)! Leave it to Sarah to keep shooting us with new trends. Normally you'd only see a pair of shoes like that standing on a puddle of barf at Karma during an episode of Jersey Shore or kicking at a pimp on the corner, but Sarah has proved to us that they can be as classy as a beaded patriotic cuff!!
If you ask Tracy Morgan if he'd rather Tina Fey or Sarah Palin, you just know some Family Shield shit is going to come diving out of his mouth. But when TNT's Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley asked Tracy that weird question during the Knicks-Heat game last night, his answer wasn't that bad. TNT still apologized for it. I won't give away Tracy's answer in case you haven't seen it, but if someone said that about me, I'd stitch that quote into all my clothes like Laverne, add it to my tombstone and probably ask the court to legally change my first name to it. The white dude in the clip knows what I'm talking about (no, he doesn't).
via USA Today