"You might like it" isn't only the line that John Travolta says after he raises his ass up in the air and rubs his Scientolohole against a massage therapist's crotch. It's also the name of his new Christmas song with Olivia Newton-John. The cover of John and ONJ's holiday album is what you would see if you put a magnifying glass up to a unicorn's fart bubble after it ate all of the Christmas candy, and the video for their first (and last) single is just as special.
In the video that costs less than the shoe polish John Travolta smears all over his head every morning, JT and ONJ two-step, hug and drive together in Ocala, FL. Everything about this gift from Baby Xenu is beautiful from the hairy skid mark on JT's chin to ONJ's face looking like an inside/out rubber cat mask to the chain wallet to the random hugging of policemen to ONJ driving on the sidewalk and waving at nobody.
Yes, this is what has become of Danny and Sandy and I might LOVE it!
I took my gaydar to the Geek Squad yesterday, because the stupid, cheap thing didn't shoot out a stream of sparkly unicorn jizz every time I looked at a picture of Papa Joe. I guess Jessica Simpson was right behind me in line, because Radar says that she was as shocked as me to find out that Papa Joe loves the peen even though the signs were all there (huge example: that Revlon Frost & Glow hair).
Papa Joe and Tina Simpson both filed to divorce each other's ass yesterday and The National Enquirer said it was because he told them two months ago that he's totally and legitimately gay (he denies it, sort of, not really). Ashlee Simpson gasped so hard that her original nose came back and Jessica Simpson couldn't believe it. All those times Papa Joe was away from the house for hours on end, Jessica and Ashlee thought he was flashing young ladies in the park, but he was actually boning boy toy butt with his tongue. Some source said this:
“Jessica had absolutely no clue that her father was gay, not even the slightest inkling. She thinks she has very good gaydar, especially since a lot of her friends are gay, but she did not see this coming at all. It was a complete shock to the system, she feels terribly for her mom who was left reeling by the announcement and her sister Ashlee has also taken the news quite badly. Jessica’s been trying to process the information slowly, but she’s having difficulty dealing with it. She can’t understand why Joe stayed married to Tina for so long, and can't help wondering how much of their life was a lie. Despite that, she’s going to stand by him and support his decision. After all, he’s still her father and Joe’s always been there for Jessica whenever she’s needed him... And not just as a father, but as her manager too."
Poor dumb simple Jessica. Think of all the hours she spent in therapy to deal with the scars she got from watching her dad touch her tits wrong with his eyes and from trying to put on a fake smile while holding up the lace lingerie he bought her for Christmas. But Papa Joe was only checking to make sure her chichi game was in check and only bought her lingerie, because her underwear was homely. Papa Joe isn't a creepy, pervert daddy. Papa Joe's just a sassy gay dad. This changes EVERYTHING.
And my gaydar is sad, confused and hating itself for not ringing for Papa Joe, so I'm going to build its confidence by giving it something easy. Here's the German rainbow Harald Glööckler unveiling the house he designed in Berlin. "Wait, Harald's gay TOO?!" - Jessica Simpson
Why didn't I see this coming? The frosted hair, the chunky silver bracelets bought online at BelloMarc, the obsession with chichis, the wardrobe from Structure circa 1998, the way his hair seems to naturally swoop by itself like he's an albino flamingo dancing in the wind.... Papa Joe Simpson was a peen lover this entire time! Now that I look at him, Papa Joe does look like that late-in-life gay at a Central Florida gay club who always has some kind of sugary green cocktail in his hand and who always dances something extra to the beat of a Cher song, because the last time he danced to a Cher song he was surrounded by the straights and had to keep his fierceness bottled up inside. But now that he's free, he's going to let all his glitter out!
And here I was thinking that he was just your regular straight Baptist preacher from Texas. They're all like that!
The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that Papa Joe's 34 year marriage to Jessica and Ashlee's mother, Tina Simpson, died, because she found out about his natural love for the peen. Papa Joe couldn't keep his gayness a secret anymore, so he finally bulldozed through the closet door, so says some anonymous source:
“Joe got the family together about two months ago and came out of the closet. He told them that he’d tried to continue in his marriage to Tina, but he couldn’t go on any longer and deny the fact that he had these feelings for men. Joe said it wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to him.”
And when Papa Joe was pulled over for DUI over two months ago, his 20-year-old boyfriend was sitting next to him in the car.
I do feel a little lied to. A thick layer of EWWW would cover my skin every time Papa Joe would lay his eyeballs on his daughter's titties and I was getting grossed out for nothing. Papa Joe wasn't thinking about motorboating the Jesus out of Jessica's tits. Papa Joe was simply just paying homage to a pair of magnificent chichis. (Or maybe he was imagining his daughter's chest as the supple butt cheeks of a 20-year-old boy toy. If that's the case, I still had every right to be grossed out.)
If this is true and Papa Joe really is coming out, then I can't wait to witness his non-stop gay party parade. You know he's got a few short-sleeve mock turtleneck Spandex shirts hanging in the back of his closet that he's just been itching to pull out. Show us, bitch!
Pour me a cup of hot cocoa, because I butt birthed out a peppermint-flavored marshmallow just from looking at this cover of Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta's new holiday album of music. This is what it would look like if the meaning of plastic surgery and the meaning of gay became conjoined twins. Everything about this piece of art is a work of true beauty and let's analyze it all:
1. The Christmas tree in the background! That tree dimmed its lights, because it wanted to give all the attention to the sparkly twinkles in John and Olivia's eyes that only show up when they join fabulous forces by touching heads.
2. The teacups, which are pissed off, because they aren't the most precious things in this picture.
3. Olivia's face, which has gone from looking like that of a human's to that of a plastic Thundercat's.
4. The thing on John Travolta's head, which has replaced the pink fairy princess tiara as the gayest headpiece in the world. They must've shot this picture in the middle of a freezer, because I can't believe that Sharpie puddle on John's head isn't melting from the heat he and Olivia are making. I've seen cartoon hair that looks more life-like and real than John's spray-on helmet. How many Caltrans workers did it take to paint that pristine hairline? That hairline might be the straightest thing about John.
AND NineMSN says that my new favorite Christmas album feature a guest spot by BARBARA STREISAND! I love it when the punchlines punch themselves.
(Thanks to everybody who sent this in)
File this under: Shit that reads like the plot of a messed up romcom starring Katherine Heigl and Hilary Swank.
A billionaire property magnate from Hong Kong has offered up a $65 million reward to any man who can successfully lure away his 33-year-old lesbian daughter from her wife. FINALLY, my dreams of becoming a beard AND a successful gold digger can come true. This can really work especially since many a bitch has told me that I look like a middle-aged Chinese butch lez.
Business Insider (via Towleroad) says that the daughter Gigi Chao (on the right and her Facebook is here) married her partner of 7 years Sean Eav (on the left) in France on April 4th, but her father Cecil Chao denies that a wedding ever took place and he refuses to accept his daughter's wife into the family. Cecil Chao is so desperate to make his daughter straight that he's willing to part with $65 million of his own money and he doesn't even care if the lesbian-turner is poor or rich. The only thing Cecil wants in a son-in-law to be is a dude who is kind in the heart and is a hard worker who wants to start his own business. Cecil, my future father-in-law, put it like this:
"[The prize money is] an inducement to attract someone who has the talent but not the capital to start his own business. Gigi is a very good woman with both talents and looks. She is devoted to her parents, is generous and does volunteer work."
I've only been in a Subaru twice, I hate going to Home Depot and plaid flannel doesn't look good on me because it's too busy for my facial features, but I'm willing to change all of that to be richer than Honey Boo Boo (I'm convinced she's a secret millionaire and is faking the poor for maximum media attention)!
But seriously, this could be like the lesbian version of Ang Lee's The Wedding Banquet. I'll move into Gigi and Sean's penthouse and we'll all pretend our way to millions! I'll even do a beard apprenticeship with Kelly Preston for a few months to learn how to be the best beard ever.
If my father-in-law ever walks into my Hong Kong penthouse and catches me with a peen in my mouth, I'll just tell him that his heterosexual daughter and I are heterosexual swingers and I always test the peens she's about to suck on, because I respect him too much to let his heterosexual daughter suck on nasty-tasting dicks. He'll believe me, this will work and we'll all be rich!
Yesterday, John Travolta's ass lips clapped in glee at the possibility of having a new massage time partner when InTouch Weekly said that JLo's piece Casper Smart is into getting erotic massages and Star Magazine said that he's into putting his mouth over gay glory holes. But a quick second after Star and InTouch's stories came out, JLo threatened to sue both of the tabloids for spreading defamatory lies that could damage hers and Casper's reputations. I would cackle at that last part, but Skeletor is already letting out enough cackles for all of us. JLo's reputation is already floating at the top of a toilet, so a few more drops of shit on it won't hurt.
But wait! Four barbers who work at the Diamond Cuts barber shop in the building next to the peep show say that Casper has an alibi. They told Splash and Rumor Fix that Casper wasn't getting a shiatsu massage on his toot hole and he wasn't tap dancing for dick in a gay glory hole. They say Casper was getting a "skin fade" at their shop. Casper only went next door to the peep show, because he needed to use their ATM since he was all out of cash and used the allowance JLo gave him that morning to buy CZ studs at Claire's.
So there you go. Casper might love some peen on his tongue, but he wasn't getting any peen on his tongue at the glory hole that day. Casper's nipples might get hard when a massage therapist lays into his ass cheeks, but that's not what he was doing that day. He was just getting a fade! You know where he really should've been? Bitch should've been at Elegant Eyebrows, because his eyebrow situation is uneven as shit and could use a touch of elegance.
Vera Wang recently announced that her marriage to Arthur Becker drowned in a pool of white tulle and they were getting a divorce after 23 years. Well, the NYDN says that Vera's unofficial muse, Evan Lysacek, used his ice skate to cut up her marriage. One source says that Vera is the zombie version of Norma Desmond, because she's moved Evan into her multi-million dollar mansion in Beverly Hills and told him he can stay as long as he wants.
Vera and Evan became best homegirls when she designed a few ice swan costumes for him before and during the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Since then, they've been seen everywhere together. One source says that "something is going on" and that Evan Likesthedick must be digging for more gold to go with his gold medal, because he's been driving a Bentley and wearing a fancy Rolex. But a different source says that Vera is just hypnotized by Evan and he's never done figure eights with his peen on her coochie.
I'm sure Evan has fucked a lot of wangs in his life, but Vera Wang ain't one of them. This is just one of those "rich hags keeping her companion pretty" situations. It's the best situation to be in. If Evan could find a way to wrap his butt around Vera Wang's last name, I'm sure he would, but that's the closest they will ever get to fucking.
And when asked for a response, the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir did this:
You know a story is ridiculous when Johnny Weir responds with a cackle AND kick.
The line I've been waiting to hear from Anderson Cooper ever since my irises turned into silver hearts while watching him on Channel One in junior high school homeroom has finally leaped off of his tongue. Actually, let me correct that. The line I've been waiting to hear is: "Michael, here's a one-way ticket to my fox hole, just for you." So is the second most important line I've been waiting to hear.
The Daily Beast's Andrew Sullivan asked Andy Coo about his thoughts on Entertainment Weekly's story about famous gay people subtly coming out without a parade or a People magazine cover. The Silver Fox said the words "I'm gay" and explained why he hasn't totally sashayed out of the glass closet before. I just want to let it be known that it's really hard to type while a tidal wave of puckers takes over my body:
I’ve also been reminded recently that while as a society we are moving toward greater inclusion and equality for all people, the tide of history only advances when people make themselves fully visible. There continue to be far too many incidences of bullying of young people, as well as discrimination and violence against people of all ages, based on their sexual orientation, and I believe there is value in making clear where I stand.
The fact is, I'm gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.
I have always been very open and honest about this part of my life with my friends, my family, and my colleagues. In a perfect world, I don't think it's anyone else's business, but I do think there is value in standing up and being counted. I’m not an activist, but I am a human being and I don't give that up by being a journalist.
And he goes on:
In my opinion, the ability to love another person is one of God’s greatest gifts, and I thank God every day for enabling me to give and share love with the people in my life. I appreciate your asking me to weigh in on this, and I would be happy for you to share my thoughts with your readers. I still consider myself a reserved person and I hope this doesn’t mean an end to a small amount of personal space. But I do think visibility is important, more important than preserving my reporter’s shield of privacy.
Yes, I hoped Anderson would come out this July 4th by painting the words "I PROUDLY LOVE PEEN" on his naked body in silver glitter paint before shooting himself out of a cannon over the Hudson while white fireworks spell out the message "THE WORLD CAN END NOW" in the night sky, but I'll take this.
Happy Silver Fox Coming Out Day, everyone! Let's all join hands and skip through the forest as baby silver foxes giggle together in happiness!
There really is someone out there for everyone even if that everyone is five hundred layers of insane, has 14 screaming kids at home, is freshly bankrupt, has lips like stale gummy worms and wears pigtails out in public. (Nothing is more tragic than a grown ass woman wearing pigtails and not in a "role playing as a slutty schoolgirl" kind of way. Okay, even that is tragic.) TMZ just happened to be at LAX yesterday when the bombshell of the San Gabriel Valley got picked up by her 15th kid: a 23-year-old amateur bodybuilder named Frankie G. Yes, OctoMom's got a man. Somewhere, Jennifer Love Hewitt is vagazzling the words "FUCK MY LIFE" onto her crotch while deep throating a Pillsbury cookie dough roll.
Apparently, Octo met her new piece Frankie G at church and they've been dating for around two months.
I want to be happy for Octo that she's finally letting peen into her dusty octobox after 13 years of swearing off dick, but something about this isn't right. Who in the hell could take Octo's soul-killing maniacal cackle as you tickle her octopussy in her bedroom while outside the door her band of unruly kids burn the house down and tag their gang name onto the walls. This is obviously a stunt and I want to say that the only one in that duo who's getting good dick is Frankie G. But I can't fully say that, because I don't know any self-respecting gay dude, even a straight-for-fame gay dude, who would sit in the same car with a grown bitch wearing pigtails. (Nina Hagen not included)
Here's Octo pursing her mouth pillows at The Chio Morning Show's celebrity pillow fight (I can't with ANY of that) in King of Prussia, PA over the weekend.
I'll wait here as you wipe away the glittery hummingbird juice that secreted out of your nipple slits after you laid eyes on that picture on the left. All wiped up? Okay, so I've never gotten a vibe from Casper Smart that he loves to gargle on peen morning, noon and night. Never. But now everything has changed thanks to this picture which is as gay as a unicorn getting DPed by a rainbow and a pink toy poodle named Mon Cherie. Radar points us to the Twitter page of Joshua Lee Ayers, a dancer who has worked with Casper in the past and claims that JLo's bought-and-paid-for piece sucks L.A. dick on the down low. To back up his claim, Joshua tweeted this picture of Casper making a "your peen goes here" pose while working a kaleidoscope in his shorts. That's the only receipt I need! via Radar:
"Check out Ur boy… And his low key homo ways," Joshua wrote on a photo of Casper that he posted on his Twitter account in March.
In the photo, Casper is shirtless, wearing shiny gold short shorts obviously stuffed with something, a sparkly bejeweled belt, a scarf and a deer hunter hat while surrounded by other shirtless men in their underwear.
On May 24, Joshua posted another photo of Casper showing off his cheekbones with the caption: "I know what I know, Not love, a lot of business and public relations."
JLo's rep denies that Casper is gay and says that it must be a slow news week. I resemble that comment!
But seriously, that pic doesn't prove anything. How many straight dudes have gotten drunk on malt liquor and ended up giving sugar to the camera while wearing a rhinestone belt? Entire frats wouldn't exist if shit like that didn't go down on the regular. Casper could scream for peen, poon or both. It doesn't matter. There's only two things that matter: 1) Casper is representing hard for the gold digger community and; 2) That duck-faced bitch looks hotter in a pair of gold shorty shorts than JLo does. Werk it, guurrrrrl.