Gay

Seen here looking like the model of a gay escort ad found in the back pages of L.A. Weekly, actor Michael Copon is reportedly the latest dude who is dicking the plastic Caitian that is Kim Kardashian. Michael Copon looks like a wang wide receiver, but he doesn't have a contract with the NFL so file this blessed union of love under: STUNT QUEENS.

Michael and Kim have been friends since 2006 when they played boyfriend and girlfriend in some movie. They've kept in touch over the years, but now that she's shooting her shit show in NYC the two have started humping on each other. This is according to InTouch Weekly anyways. A source (aka Kris Jenner) says, "Kim is dating Michael. They have known each other for years, but he and Kim just recently reconnected. He'll definitely be making appearances on Kim's new TV show. They have been running in the same circles and going to the same events forever, but now they are hitting it off romantically. The timing is right for both of them."

Kris Jenner has got to come harder and pick out more believable leased pieces for Kim. They really want us to believe that this reduced fat Twinkie is shooting his cream all over Kim's extra fat Sno-Balls? Kim might be a big whore, but she doesn't rip her panty Spanx off unless you're wearing a jersey. And wearing your boyfriend's jersey doesn't count either!

Anyways, here's Kim taking her jacked up face and her titty fuck dress to the season finale party for The Spin Crowd in NYC last night. Khloe Kardashian also showed up looking like if GLOW's Mt. Fiji ate Hollywood and Vine. Only this bitch can pull off tiger print!

John Travolta's Scientolohole eats a dick for breakfast, a dick for lunch, a dick for an afternoon snack, a dick for dinner and brushes with a dick before gargling a dick. This is what author Robert Randolph claims. Robert is the one who gave The National Enquirer a few pieces from his book, which claims that John Travolta is the reigning peen gobbling king of the underground gay sauna world in L.A.

Robert is talking to The Enquirer (via Celebitchy) again, and this time he's diagnosing John Travolta with a chronic addiction to dick. Adicktion if you will.

Robert says that ever since The Enquirer ran the story about John's love for gay steam room sex, he's gotten six e-mails from dudes who have admitted to eating Vincent Vega's royale with cheese. Robert expects to get at least 50 more e-mails. Yeah, he's a regular Miss Cleo too. Robert told The Enquirer, “I have no doubt that John Travolta is a sex addict. I’ve heard from many men who have either had gay sex with John or saw him having gay sex in health spas, steam rooms, locker rooms, you name it. I’ve gotten so many emails that I’m writing a second book titles ‘Tracking Travolta’ and I’ve got plenty of material.”

Let's say Robert and these six dudes are telling the truth. Let's also say that Robert's estimate is a low ball figure and John's real number is around 150. If John started rolling on sauna wang when he got married to Kelly Preston, that means he's been at it for 19 years. That averages to around 8 different dicks a year. If 8 dicks a year makes a sex addict, then I'll see most of you at the SAA meeting down in the church basement next week. You bring the dicks, I mean donuts, I mean dicks.

Apparently, Miss Philippines was one of the favorites to take home the crown (made from Donald Trump's taint dingles) at last night's Miss Universe pageant, but then she pretty much fucked her chances in the ass during the Q&A part of the competition.

Mister Chyna Phillips himself Billy Baldwin asked Maria Venus Raj (FYI: That's a really hot name) what one of her biggest mistakes in life was and how she fixed it. If Billy asked her that question again today, she'd probably say that the biggest mistake in her life is the answer she gave last night. Because last night, Maria Venus said that she's never had any major problems and then she babbled on like me in front of a McDonald's menu at 3am.

To be fair, if I was standing up there with my hair so tight that it was making my nipples sore (I don't know what that means either!) and enough make-up on my face to cover a Kardashian for a week, I'd probably give some shit answer to. It also doesn't help when Billy Baldwin is staring at you like you're doing yourself in the bath tub while a UB40 song plays in the background.

AND how was Maria Venus supposed to hear anything when the screech of a thousand gays from her home country filled her ear holes with glitter and made her nerves tingle! This is what I'm talking about (skip to the 2:25 mark):

DAMN! Now I finally know what the inside of my head looks like whenever I see a peen in the flesh instead of on a computer screen. Give us all a Q-tip!

via Boy Culture

Since Lindsay Lohan is unable to fully represent us drunk slutty wrecks out there, Tara Reid has come out of retirement in a big way to take her place. And to show us all that when LiLo was making movies with talking cars and shit, she was the one who was flashing her drunk chocha to the paps and passing out in bushes like it's an Olympic sport.

Here's Tara partying on a yacht in St. Tropez with Dennis Rodman and her on-and-off-again piece Michael Assman. It's like you're looking into a crystal ball and seeing your weekend. But except for sitting on the lap of a glittermeister on a yacht in France, you'll be sipping Boones Farms from a paper bag while sitting on a parking block in front of an IHOP somewhere. It's practically the same thing.

And you know Tara is all sorts of tanked if Michael Assman is actually grabbing onto her titty to keep her from eating floor. Michael must be used to it. He just pretends like he's holding onto ASKars' ass cheek instead. You can see it in his eyes.

This is what Janet Charlton is saying anyway. Janet says that everybody needs to stop calling Jake Gyllenhaal "Jake Gayllenhaal" or Toothy Tile, because she has it on good authority that he doesn't like a hard peen on his tongue. According to Janet, he prefers a bong on his tongue instead. Janet says this is the real reason why his relationship with Reese Witherspoon didn't work out. From Janet:

"At last the truth comes out. An acquaintance of Reese and Jake acknowledges that they were very smitten with each other for quite awhile and seemed perfectly matched. Unfortunately, Jake had a habit that Reese could not live with, and he wouldn’t give it up. He smoked way too much. And we’re not talking nicotine here. Not only did it rub Reese the wrong way, but she worried about her children being exposed to his bad habits. So, regretfully, she moved on. Note: those of you who insist that Jake is gay are NUTS."

NUTS? Kind of like what Jake likes on his.....Okay, I'll shut my fingers about that already! No more of that shit. Janet would never tell a lie, so I will update my files to say that Jake is straighter than a quick trip to the outhouse (copyright: some hillbilly who said that to me outside of a gas station in Tennessee)! And if Jakey ever needed a quit hit, I'd gladly let him take one off my bong. Anytime!

A few months ago Tara Reid lifted her head up off the toilet and wet burped something about how she's no longer engaged to entrepreneur Michael Axtmann (that's "Michael Assman" if you own a jar of anal fade cream). At the time, Tara didn't give any details about the split, but mostly because she was still trying to figure out if she hallucinated the whole thing in a drunken haze.

There was a rumor that Tara wouldn't sign a prenup. Well, it looks like those prenup issues have cleared up, because here's Tara and Michael in St. Tropez today looking happier than ever!

And by that I mean Tara is trying really hard to defy the laws of gravity by not passing out on the ground ("But the ground looks so comfy!" - Tara Reid). And Michael is busy trying to make out the penis print on the dude taking the picture. See, happy happy! I knew these two would make it.

Here's the forever mess Mischa Barton arriving at an airport in Nice, France yesterday looking like SHIT. Well, it's all over her shirt so she's practically advertising it. Mischa is also looking a strung out lot lizard who just found a pair of fancy tap shoes in the dumpster outside of a children's dance school. Mischa brought along a new boyfriend she snatched directly out of the Hipster or Gay tumblr. Seriously, I don't know whether to ask him if he's on Grindr (SPOILER ALERT: The answer is DUH) or hand him a PBR.

Since Mischa needs a check like Mel Gibson needs a blow, she probably went down to the job placement agency and applied to be a professional Renee Zellweger. They dropped this piece in her lap and the rest is history. To be honest, I'm not entirely convinced that dude's no-no stops for peen. Any true gay friend would tell Mischa that she needs to work on her relationship with a hairbrush.

Here's more pictures of Mischa and her buttery baguette at the airport. I love the picture of them kissing. Do you think the dream bubble over dude's head has Seth or Ryan's picture in it?

Chace Crawford is as fragile as a baby unicorn's first coo and as precious as a bunny in a bubble bath, so you can't expect him to hold his own umbrella! Besides, it's impossible for Chace to hold his own umbrella. He might smudge his freshly polished nails or smear the foundation on his palms. Blake Lively and Leighton Meester can hold their own umbrellas, because their ancestors were vikings or miners or some shit. They are built for hard labor, but not Chace.

Fun Fact: Chace's umbrella was originally white, but he accidentally farted and his multicolored butt fumes waltzed through the air before landing on it.

When Vienna Sausage started crying zig zaggy tears (You know, because she's wonky eyed....womp womp...I know) about how Jake Pavelka of The Bachelor didn't want to fuck her, many made the assumption that this must mean he only gets thirsty for peen. Because what straight dude wouldn't want to go dizzy while trying to gaze into Vienna's cross eyes during sexy times? Well, Radar asked several professional experts about Jake's sexuality and they do believe that his no-no probably chirps for dick. And by "professional experts" I mean some losers from The Bachelor and Bachelorette. Let's read what these assholes farted out:

Paul from The Bachelorette 4: “I definitely think he has gay tendencies, not only because of the way he dresses but also because he didn’t want to have sex with a beautiful girl and never really tried with the other girls on the show. Nothing personal, Jake!

An unnamed bitch from Jake's season of The Bachelor: “I think he has gay potential and definitely gay tendencies.”

Richard from The Bachelorette 4: “I’m not sure if he is gay, but it seems he just has no experience with those types of women that are on the show.”

An unnamed bitch from The Bachelorette 4: “I couldn’t tell you if the guy is gay but I do have one word for you -- goober! Jake always struck me as a phony, he never was really himself. He always trying and trying and trying to impress.”

Thank you, experts! Yes, the closest you've come to a gay person is the time you stopped to watch Will & Grace for a few minutes while channel surfing, but your expert opinion is still appreciated!

Paul is right, by the way. The Gay Tendencies Store (which is right next to The Montenegro Style Boutique) is always out of grey t-shirts and fugly washed jeans. But seriously, you know what makes me think that maybe just maybe Bachelor Jake isn't gay? The cell phone strapped to his pocket! No self-respecting gay does that! You either carry it like a clutch or stuff it between your nalgas.

Rachel Bilson (that girl from The OC) and Hayden Christensen (the worst actor on this side of the Universe) have decided to sit on opposite sides of the table with their lawyers to try and renegotiate their contract. A source tells UsWeekly that Rachel and Hayden, who got engaged last year, are taking what they are calling a "break." Queef. They call it a "break" we call it sitting in a conference room under fluorescent lighting for a few hours.

Rachel and Hayden's spokesbitches didn't comment on this, because I don't think even they give a dick. But at some event on Wednesday night, UsWeekly noticed that Rachel didn't have her ring on. When they asked her about her wedding plans, she said, "No, no plans. No nothing." The same can be said for her career plans too.

The source went on to say that they are going to take a month off from each other and then revisit the relationship. So basically, she's going to revisit putting her lips on a peen that actually gets hard when she touches it, and he's probably going to do the same. That sounds like a good idea.