The big gossip around the potty training chair this morning is all about Demi Lavatory (or whatever the hell her name is) confirming that she's Joe Jonas' full-time face wig. The two celebrated their love yesterday by going to church.
The truth is, Joe was pouting just a bit, because when Demi invited him to go to church with her, he thought she was talking about the shoe department at Barney's. Joe didn't think she actually meant CHURCH church!!! Getting on his knees to hum is not Joe's idea of a good time. Actually, since I put it that way......
Cue the Charlie Angel's theme song! Or the Sex and the City theme song! Or the Jawbreaker Strut song. Yeah, let's go with the latter. So click play below and let it be your soundtrack while you look at pictures of Joe Jonas defying the laws of skinny jeans while shopping at the Grove in L.A. with his partners in glitter.
You know, I was about to say some shit about the trick on the right, but then I looked down at my current outfit: A Dollywood t-shirt, a navy blue cardigan, white sweats and black socks with neon blue stars on them. Because of this, I'm going to put down the teasing stick and excuse myself from the yard.
This video of two My Little Ponies lip-synching to show tunes will make all your previous acid flashbacks seem inadequate.
Cheryl Cole of the UK girl group Girls Aloud is going through some bad marriage shit right now. Basically, her marriage is currently at the bottom of a toilet surrounded by a bunch of caca nuggets. Cheryl's footballer husband Ashley Cole is currently having a Tiger Woods moment, because mistresses are falling out of his crotch every time he goes in for a scratch. The Daily Mail says that a fourth ho has come forward claiming she did it on the down low with Ashley.
So what's a Cheryl to do? Well, Cheryl took her ass over to Los Angeles and is now crying on the Ken doll shoulder of Dancing with the Has-Beens dancer Derek Hough. The two have been out on several dates, and some seem to think Cheryl is only going out with him to make her husband all jealous and shit. Yes, I'm sure Ashley is crying tears of jealousy (LUBE!) into a hooker's ass thinking about Cheryl going out with a dude who looks like a kept Palm Springs boy toy turned gay porn star circa 1981. That was delivered with zero sarcasm, because we all want to go to lunch at Houston's with a gay porn star circa 1981. Let's be honest.
And here's more of Cheryl and Derek going to lunch at Houston's yesterday.
The new saying is: "You play football like a Jonai." I'm never one to talk, but I know that if I'm going to handle a ball in a parking lot, it's not going to be a football.
Here's more of the Jonas Bros. playing parking lot football on the set of their movie Chasing Butterflies (that one is too easy).
After Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor were named knights in France's National Order of Arts in Paris today, they shared a G-rated kiss.
First of all, I've inspected these pictures with a La Toya-approved magnifying glass and I don't see any tongue! They are not following the popular saying, "When in France, touch your co-stars' tonsils with your tongue."
Second of all, Ewan McGregor has his eyes open. It looks like he's counting Jim's eye lashes. Call me a traditionalist, but I believe you should keep your eyes closed while kissing on the mouth, kissing on the vag and kissing on the peen. Especially the last two because you never know when a rogue genital crab is going to jump into your eye. Try to explain that to your eye doctor (speaking from experience...just joking...I think).
And Jim's lesbian haircut has me convinced that if they ever make a feature film on the life of Peter Pan Dude, he should play the title role. Correction: Jim Carrey should play Peter Pan Dude if only Shelley Duvall is not available for whatever reason (aka alien hunting).
Somebody get the Geek Squad on the phone, because my Gaydar just put its hand on its forehead and passed the hell out all dramatic-like. It got the vapors. The reason? According to People, Tara Reid has signed up for her next role....as this tangy wienerschnitzel's beard.
Since her engagement to a faux blind dude didn't really pan out, Tara figured she would take a page out of Star Jones' playbook.
Tara's rep (aka Tara using a voice modifier) called People up and confirmed that she is engaged to German
gay porn internet entrepreneur Michael Axtmann (that's "Michael Assmann" if you're always first in line at the salad bar). Tara's rep went on to say, "Michael surprised Tara with a beautiful round brilliant cut ring. ara was so happy, and the other patrons clapped and yelled out, 'Congratulations.'"
Tara and Assman began dating last year. They're planning on getting married in a small ceremony this Summer.
Let me step out of the shade for a minute, and say that this is good for Tara. She needs a main gay in her life to tell her the truth (i.e. her weave is parched and her stomach looks like 4-week-old chicken parm). AND Assman obviously threads his eyebrows as often as he bleaches his glitter hole, so he is an excellent choice for Tara.
B. Coop thinks it's absolutely fantastic that people are saying he let Victor Garber tickle him in the pink (he bleaches) back in the day. In case you're just joining us, there was a blind item floating around that many (including this bitch) thought was about Victor Garber and Bradley Cooper.
B. Coop, who is currently starring in Reese & Jakey: The Sequel with Squinty Zelleger, told The Independent (via DS) that he has nothing but laughs for that rumor, "People thought we were dating. It was all over the internet. It was the first time I read a rumor like that about me, and I just thought it was fantastic."
Yes, I'm sure the thought of Victor Garber dick-tapping him on the nalgas made Bradley laugh for hours. Bradley laughed until a wave of saliva poured out of his mouth onto his chest....and then Bradley kept laughing. Bradley had to pinch his nipples to try and stop the laughter, but it didn't work at first. So Bradley continued to laugh laugh laugh away while pinching at his wet nipples. Bradley laughed, pinched, laughed, pinched, laughed, pinch, etc.. etc.. Finally, after Bradley had no more laughs to give, he excused himself to change his panties in the bathroom.
My glitter hole can exhale now, because ever since I first posted this picture of the world's sexiest gay white tiger (aka Before They Were Stars: Lady CaCa) I've been waiting for the right moment to open his cage door again so he pose, pounce and prance for those who didn't get a taste of his sweetness the first time around. Well, the time is here thanks to this Tiger Woods story from Radar. Put a quarter in gay white tiger's cup and read on....
I've been saying to myself that this whole Tiger Woods debacle really needs more dick if it wants to be inducted into the Scandal Hall of Fame. Well, one of Tiger's mistress whores is trying to make that happen. According to Loredana Jolie Ferriolo, Tiger not only likes to putt poon with his tongue, but he also likes to putt peen with his tongue. And if you want all the popper-scented details, you will have to stick a roll of a million $1 bills into Loredana's cleavage. That's how much Loredana wants for her story.
A source claims that Loredana is working on a tell-all book, which will describe Tiger's his "healthy appetite for arranged sex, threesomes, girls next door (MK note: MARY, how could you?!!!), girl-girl, and an answer to all the rumors surrounding Woods' sexuality."
Loredana's rep says she is in talks with several publishing companies regarding her tell-all.
There's a good chance that this Loredana trick is just sprinkling foil bits on our head and calling it glitter. The bitch's name is Loredana Jolie Ferriolo. Don't trust anyone who sounds like a third-rate villainess in a Jackie Collins novel. That being said, I will stay in my seat and patiently await the appearance of Tiger Woods' first gigowhore.
Marc Jacobs and his boyfriend Lorenzo Martone weren't only in St. Barts to take topless pictures for their Facebook pages, they were also there to get married! Guest of a Guest reports that after being engaged since March of last year, Marc and Lorenzo became husband and husband in a private ceremony. There's no picture of the actual ceremony, but I'll be disappointed if they didn't wear matching dick huggers. Let's just say they did...
After the ceremony, Marc and Lorenzo celebrated their new marriage at a reception hosted by fancy art person Larry Gagosian. And of course, even Marc's wedding topper had his nipples out.
You better believe that after the premium Andre started flowing, ho after ho took pictures of themselves doing nasty raunchy shit with Marc's topper. They turned that topper into a versatiler. The places that topper has been! But I would've done the same thing, which is exactly why I never get invited to weddings anymore.
UPDATE: Marc Jacob's spokeswhore said they aren't husband husband just yet. This picture wasn't from their wedding, it was from their engagement party. There's still hope that they will wear matching speedo tuxedos at their real wedding.